"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

Thread opener here: webaunty.co.uk/mumsnet/
You may need to right-click and 'unblock' it after downloading it.

It's January 2013, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/440839-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes-a-thread-for" target="_blank">original thread here</a> (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/angry/hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/lifetime experiences of being hurt/angry etc by our parents? behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's. 

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn?t have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/or current parental contact has left you feeling damaged falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth. 

You might also find the following links and information useful if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0553814826/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0553814826&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1650915-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.</a>

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect you feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defenses that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly us it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behavior. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get," or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ....

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Alice Miller</a>

<a class="break-all" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Personality Disorders definition</a>

Follow up to pages first thread:

I?m sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don?t claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support.

Happy Posting (smithfield posting as therealsmithfield)

I have cut and pasted this because I think it is fab. Just in case anyone misses the link.

More helpful links:

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Daughters of narcissistic mothers</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://outofthefog.net/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Out of the FOG</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">You carry the cure in your own heart</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.havoca.org/HAVOCA_home.htm" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Help for adult children of child abuse</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.pete-walker.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Pete Walker</a>

Some books:

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0749910542/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0749910542&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1650915-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Homecoming</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1439129436/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=1439129436&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1650915-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Will I ever be good enough?</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0060929324/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0060929324&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1650915-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">If you had controlling parents</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0385304234/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0385304234&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1650915-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">When you and your mother can't be friends</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1572245611/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=1572245611&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1650915-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Children of the self-absorbed</a>
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0671701355/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0671701355&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-1650915-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Recovery of your inner child</a>

Sounds like you doing really well choc !

Biddy -well done, being practical can be very helpful can't it.

patches and snow your posts are so sad, you are both incredibly strong to move on from such traumatic experiences.

There is a lot of good advice on this thread and a great deal of it seems to come from FairyFi you always seem to know the right thing to say - thank you

Latest update.

My mum and sister have been mean to me for a long time. I usually spoil little sis at birthdays, xmas etc. always have. And also throughout the year eg meals out, nice teas at mine, taken her on hols in past, cinema, bowling. Etc But she doesn't appear to appreciate any of it.
Had big argument with mum last week and she joined in. Always siding with mum over me,though it's quite obvious mum is being unreasonable and wanting to be the boss all the time.

Anyway Mum asked everyone if they wanted to come out for a meal, everyone has to pay for themselves accept shes paying for my sister and her new bf for sisters birthday after many changes to plans it was agreed tonight. my older sister would be coming up from south and seen as it was a family meal she asked if she could bring the gran kids. My dads coming with his new partner. Mum didn't seem to want the gran kids coming. Just because older sister asked if they could come to the family meal, when I saw my mum her response was " im sick of sister being the centre of attention " I thought what cause she asked if the gran kids could come.
After all this messing around with times and inviting everyone mum then cancelled by text saying young sister preferred to go out with her friends instead to Manchester. I was like annoyed really.
So I thought well we will still go to meal anyway with my dad tonight etc

I normally spend a lot on sister go a bit overboard on her birthday, but after the way she's been and our falling out last week I've had enough of her joining in with mums nastiness and she doesn't appreciate things. I posted a card with £20 in it. It was her actual birthday yesterday.

Anyway so fast forward to today also night of meal out with dad and his partner ( not sure if we are still going because of snow) but I got a text off mum this morning saying " I am very disappointed that you didn't contact your sister on her birthday. That was very mean of you "

It has now upset me, I haven't spoken to mum in a week because of falling out. My sister has been awful too , I did send a card which said happy birthday etc in it and money even though we have fallen out.
Do you think I'm mean and awful? ( mums words all the time) also do you thnk I should keep sending lots of gifts when she's not nice rest of year. I mean £20 is a good gift.

My sister uses the lines whenever she feels like it " you said you are always here for me and would do anything for me" so basically she uses this whenever she wants something or to get her own way basically abuses what I said to her in a supporting capacity. I love her dearly but this type of abuse of my kindness can't really go on can it. She expects the earth but never gives back to anyone in love or kindness.

Also it was something my older sister pointed out to me. What do you think? My young sister is now 19. Mum has never celebrated our birthdays and took us out for a meal. Maybe once on my 21st. Young one gets this every year. Tries to get all family together to celebrate it ( makes a massive deal ) and she wants to pay for my sister and her new boyfriend. She never asks to take us out on our birthdays. In my husbands family each one gets taken out for their birthdays it's all equal.

not stopping ladies, but bedtime its very wrong and inequal, but bloody typical tbh! Who's being awful frankly? I hope you all have a lovely family time together without her!

Thank you Perfect a lovely thing to say, cheered me up after just having to sit through supervised contact with ExFW, so pleased if something helps; I have found so much that makes sense in these threads too.

Choc hope the 3 of you having a lovely w/end doing stuff together take care x

bedtime stinks of all the meddling in others affairs my NarcM does (right at the centre of Dbro divorce most recently ) nothing to do with her, right?

Grrr because mil can't upset dh as he hardly sees or speaks to her no more, and he has told her his phone isn't working properly. But as usual she can't help herself and had left a miserable, half farted voicemail wishing our dd a happy birthday-why oh why does she do this.
I know why, to upset dh & therefore ruin my dd birthday.

He is dealing with it well for now, i just hope this doesn't put him on a downer

She never liked my dd anyway as she isn't her blood grandchild, the whole reason i & dc are nc is because of her continually insulting my eldest! Waiting to recieve the enevitable usual "if she wants her present, its here" manipulative shit...

Now the phonecalls are starting again.... Dh has given his phone to me for the time being, i think he knows only miserabledom follows if he answers it.
So angry she is trying to ruin our dds birthday again

pumpkin your DH is doing well though, isn't he? He's figuring things out and getting you to act as his gatekeeper - breaking the cycle. Bit pants for you because you still have to see her name come up and feel your blood pressure skyrocket, but sounds like quite a promising step for him?

She can't ruin things for your DD, because I bet your DD knows through and through that her mum doesn't put up with any crap being directed at her, ever.

When my mum tries to be extra-specially poisonous because she feels thwarted and sidelined, I sometimes try to see her as the nasty, pointless, shit-encrusted tail of an old, foul-tempered sheep.

ha ha! WhiteP that is hilarious and I can see it working well

I got from yours pumpkin that 'she's trying' - she can try all she likes, makes no odds to the fun your DD will have on her bd.

Watched awful film last night called 'jealous mother' - hmmm.. lots of narc behaviour, don't know why I did actually.

Hopeyou are keeping the strength and had good weekend Choc ?

My Sis who lives at home rang last night as I was trying to make lunches and get cleared down to go to bed at 9pm. DD is out of sorts so in an effort to stave off a massive meltdown (as the mini one was going on), I ended up abandoning my dinner, and had gone off the idea of it even once she was in bed. So I was clearing up and trying to get organised for the week ahead. DSis rang on mobile (crappy coverage so I couldn't hear her) and when I rang back, put me on to mum (turns out they were between starter and main at their dinner) who started sounding sorry for herself in the tone she asked about me. So I let her have it. DD's meltdown, all my staff out and major major deadlines to meet (would be under pressure if all were in, but 4 of 5 out on various sick leaves), being literally exhausted, DH away, bad weather and consequent terrible traffic, the whole 9 yards. "We all have our troubles to bear, we just have to carry on with them" was her response, followed by something about scouting and keeping going (that's my usual line - "A Guide smiles and sings under all difficulties"). So I just told her that normally I really do, but occasionally I just have to say it how it really is, and the strain I am under - but that I AM keeping going. I told her that this is the reality of my life and I live with it every day, I just rarely tell others about the amount I have to keep going. I VERY nearly said that what she has always wished on me, (that I would have a kid who'd treat me as badly as I treated her - and really, I was a LOT milder than I could have been) had come true. But that would have been stooping to her level too much.

She had a small "poor me" about her Bro (my other sis had already told me the current update on Fri - Mum never rang back after I had rang home on Tues). But then handed over to my Dad. Who nearly made me cry being nice in a gruff sort of way. My sis never came back on the phone after all.

I actually don't know if it helped. I was calm, I was blunt (ish), (I could have been even more truthful about things), but hopefully I have actually made her think just a little. (She always seems to think that our life here is always sunny and no problems, being jealous - eh no, I just don't burden her cos her social calendar is so much more important than her family, and her friends are more important too than her kids lots of the time, or at least, that's the strong impression she gives).

But it may at least have made her stop and think.

Gotta ring MIL back - she rang as I was cleaning my teeth Sat night to catch up and I never got a chance to ring back yest.

Well the f.o.g has well and truly descended
She has missed called him 5 times in total today and even interupped our meeting at our dd school.
So he gave in and phoned her, now he is on one of his moods he gets...

I have also had him shouting me down for stopping pil seeing the kids and that its my fault & its time for me to forgive because he is sick of being in the middle, he isn't in the middle and deep down i think he knows it, well atleast i hope he does.

Apparently I make him feel guilty, and i'm the one causing problems...nice

She only phoned to ask about dds birthday apparently, so why keep phoning if it wasn't important??

It's amazing how he can forget how fucking awful they are because he can't stand the heat so thinks me starting up contact again will make it better i despair i really do

biddy that sounds good, that you managed to rise above the lack of sympathy and tell her how it really is, maybe a little of what you said will sink in and make her think.

pumpkin I agree with fi it does sound like your dh is making progress and as galling as it is that she still keeps ringing at least you and dh are 'in it together' as such, which must be good.

Well, I didn't reply to mother's text and so got another text on Fri to inform me that she'd sent me an email. It was dh's birthday on Sat so didn't read it until yesterday because I knew it would spoil my happy mood.

It was as expected a 'request' to see the dc, she said that she knew I was doing this to hurt her (NC) & that she had survived before and would do again. Also that she knew the dc loved her and if they had any say at all they would want to see her.

Hmm, firstly, I am doing NC to protect myself and my dc emotionally, and because I seem to have had an epiphany of sorts this last few months, that I don't have to have people in my life that make me feel bad, since going NC I have been more centred and happier with myself, and I think the children are being parented more kindly and consistently.

I have no idea what or even if I should reply to her email. Do I tell her, that actually, I am not doing this to hurt her, but that I have realised that her parenting of me when I was a child/teenager wasn't good, that I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I feel worthless, unhappy and crippled by selfdoubt due to my upbringing, and that I want better for my dc, I want them to be happy, confident people, able to express opinions (even if they are different to mine ) and for them to have high self esteem?

Sorry pumpkin crossed posts. I know exactly where you are coming from, mil stopped all communication with me about 18 months ago, and for a while things were easier with dh and I being in agreement, but when we separated for a couple of months in the summer mil got back in contact with dh and now he sees and speaks to her. The dc and I are still NC, but I had the same from him before we split up, why can't you just forget it and move on, this is just what she's like... (I.e. sweep it under the rug again as he's done all his life!)

I don't know what the answer is, but I sympathise, as I'm there too

He may love them and be blinded to it, but i'm an outsider and i see the way things are clearly in my head.
His parents are manipulative bullies who want everything their way, and if they don't get it they go through others to gain control.

Difference is i've woke up & after all these years i have added up all their behaviour & wrong-doings and realised they should play no part in mine or my dcs lifes.
I can't stop him having a relationship with them, but i sure as hell won't be allowing them contact with my dc anytime soon, whether he likes it or not is questionable.

I have told him in no uncertain terms, i will not back down. He may be weak but i won't fall for it.
We have been down that road too many times before, pil behaved for a month or so then back to upsetting my dc and dh allowing it..

He thinks mil has changed, i basically told him that this isn't the case, especially with her behaviour around birthdays and christmas.
I sent her an email a few months back basically saying, if you do this and do that, maybe one day you can slowly be introduced back into dcs lifes but she chose to completely ignore what it said and go about things as she normally does, by denying any wrong-doing.

She has been given many a chance on passing in the local supermarket, to have her say & apologise etc and she could have wrote a letter.
But the womans only redeeming feature is to continually harass.

Actions speak louder than words, pil cant make the actions or be truly sorry so i don't want them in our lifes anymore. 5 months after nc i thought things would get easier but everytime a birthday comes up we go backwards again and i become the bad guy.

These are people that insult young children, trip kids over on purpose, beat their son as a child, try to take my baby for a nap with fil in bed,treat dhs siblings better than him and ignore the fact their other gcs need help....awful awful people.

no pumpkin not awful people... absolutely dispicable people!! I so feel for you, it is dreadful when all this happens and comes between an otherwise happy couple - I think I said further ^thread that my narcM was right in the middle of dbro recent divorce. Its terrible, she always said nasty things about her, turned the other dbro against her, tried to veer dbro's actions in the marriage and thoughts towards her. She came in between them and succeeded in having her boy on side whilst drive his wife away, big ol wedge.

When I was reading your post I was shouting 'do her for harrassment'! Maybe you can block her number? email her and tell her that normal people don't behave like this, that in excess of 5 calls is crazy behaviour and she needs to accept that neither of you wanted to speak to her.

could happy throttle yours biddy with her 'we all have our troubles to bear' your post made me want to ask if you need some extra staff to step in for some days (me)! I know we've no idea where we all are geographically, but I imagine that to be a more usual response, than a denial frankly. I'd be offering some childcare maybe, or helping out around the house to support you getting through, what sounds like, a huge mountain to climb! Cold and heartless she is, and I'm sorry to hear of the huge disappointments they bring daily in addition to our own struggles.

'take your baby with with fil in bed'? ! pumpkin my MIl used to get my DD up earlier than I and take her into her bed (with the guy she was living with). It mattered not that I asked her not to. She carrried on regardless (I was only her unreasonable mother cos I didn't agree with her ) I asked her to stop taking DC to the loo, to leave them to manage themselves, but I would find them locked in the toilet together with her going to the loo at the same time! Freaked me out. Most freaky thing, she would look in on her son, after he'd gone to sleep, butt naked! Nothing I haven't seen b4 she would say! What is it with people?

Am feeling pretty low don't help with having the dreaded 'flu' but still I have to get on wiv it.My bf is working hard also worked on Sunday as he has a deadline to meet at work.So I have no help with my baby while I'm feeling so crap! It times like this were I'd love 'parents' to come and give me a hand.:-(

Oh dear Fi sounds as though your mil is just as deranged.
Fil trying to taking baby to bed i thought was very weird, we'd be round pil house and at teatime my baby used to go off for a nap in her pram, but fil used to insist she went for a nap in bed with him (just him & dd). I used to find it very weird, as it wasn't a typical get in gps bed in morning kinda thing.
Of course i found it weird and never allowed it after the first time as my instincts told me not to.
One time at boxing day in 2011 the whole family including dhs sisters & aunty aswell as pil argued with me for about 10mins asking why couldn't dd go and nap in with fil.
Strange, strange family and the worst part is my nieces stay over there every weekend.

Strange you should say about your dbro getting divorced due to your dms actions as i'm sure my mil would take great delight in that happening to us both.

Sorry to hear you are feeling low choc.
Try to rest whilst baby rests.
Hope you start feeling better soon x

hugs and wishes for your rest and to get well soon Choc - good to hear from you. Stay strong. I know its at times like this they let us down the most when we really need some help. It is tough going it alone (I use to get really angry at them - in my head - because it was such a disappointment, but I think I already said, when we stop expecting anything but the behaviour they continually demonstrate, then we accepted) It is torture in the meantime to continually expect and of course then continually not get!

Wish I could pop in and give you a hand! Take care.

Thanks pumpkin & fairy think I'm a lil run down and that always makes things worse don't it! X
I am a little sad coming to realise that my parents were using me and will probably only want me for 1 thing and that's money I remember being out for the day and when I looked at my phone I had phone calls and txs because there electric had rAn out! They would always drop hints saying they havnt got this and that and I will always run 2 the shop and fill there cubords..stop gambling and drinking I always said.I always went over the top at birth/Xmas ect...but yet in there eyes and my brothers eyes I'm the villan.
No nice memorys from Xmas I remember rows and it was all fake and full of lies- lies I got kicked out of my house at the age of 15 because my dad was having an affair and I seen them but I was 'lying' the affair went on my mum believed my dad! It came out later and to this day I havnt had an apolligy...oh well makes me a stronger person..I'm hoping

Thanks folks, I am not expecting any massive changes but even if it makes her stop and think, and realise that while I put on a coping face most of the time, it's actually pretty darn hard keeping all the balls in the air, that would be positive.

They live a couple of hours away from me, effectively it's me and DH (when he's not travelling) and the au pair (who has language class 2 nights/week (condition of her stay with agency), aqua aerobics another, joined a soccer club a 4th night (plays in a club at home) and then tends to go out with other APs at the weekend). So when DH is away, I really am tied to going to work, racing home to be there in time for AP activities, and not being able to do anything except try to keep DD on an even keel and get her to bed, then start into whatever housework/office work I have to do. And it's too full on at the moment, I know that, I just can't change it.

Sorry to hear about all the families who won't respect the boundaries you are putting in place. It has taken me a few years to get to this point, and still most of my siblings are afraid to offer their own alternatives to plans put in place by our parents - whether those plans suit them or not. But there is a slow dawning of understanding going on, and little things are starting to happen like agreeing plans with siblings first and THEN saying it to our parents as a fait accompli. Sometimes it works. But it does help if all, or at least all directly involved, agree it first before even mentioning anything to parents.

Starting to think there should be an 'outrageous but outwardly-innocent texts that narcs send' thread.....the first contact from mother for a month is a text saying her (only) friend has invited her to go shopping in my town (are there no shops where they live?!?) and can they call in at 3.45?

Wanted to reply "what a coincidence! I take it you haven't told (friend) what a nasty abnormal weird bully I am then, if she still wants to visit! GET BENT."

Actually replied: "We're out."

Which sadly will be true. I will be taking the dcs straight from school and hiding in a cafe just in case.

I'm wondering if I could ask you all for some advice? I'm 34 and coming to the sad realisation that my mum is not normal.
I am the eldest of 4 dc, during my childhood I never felt wanted or loved by her, she never hugged or kissed me, I've never had a bedtime story from her, she chose her dsis as my Godmother and I spent a lt of time with her during school holidays and my mum would laugh and say horrible things about my aunt when I came back.
She also made me do a lot of housework I'm talking cleaning up dog mess and completely blitzing a kitchen most days.
I was responsible for my siblings aswell she worked nights and if my dad was doing a day shift I would have to keep the others quiet. I remember her flying into a rage and really hitting me for putting sugar on my little brothers dummy in an attempt to stop him crying :( I would have been 12.
Sorry this is so long!
She never did anything fun with us my memory of Xmas eve is always of me sweeping stairs and we have a home video where we are opening presents and I am trying to show her stuff and she's basically sat there with a face like a slapped arse giving one word answers and saying no I don't want to when I'm trying to make her smell some bath stuff I got.
When I first got a job she would take a lot of money from me or give me the silent treatment if I objected.
When I got pg she forced me and dp to split up and he missed the birth of his son.
There is loads more but I would be all day.
Thing is I thought it was just me and I have always tried to buy her and please her but I have more recently been talking to my sisters and they have their own horror stories, she is also blanking both of them at the moment, my brother and me are the favourites right now.
I don't know how to feel she's my mum but she's so hard to deal with and rude she never says hello when you ring just what do you want. She refuses to have her grandchildren saying she done her bit despite the fact she dumped us off every weekend at grandmas.
I'm stressed because I'm sick of the act she puts on on places like Facebook, she will say things like give Dgd a kiss from me and get loads of likes but in rl she isn't that bothered. I realise that sounds petty but it annoys me.
My bil has to,d my sister in the 8 years he's known her she's always not been talking to someone or having a row. And he's right but we all thought it was normal and it's not normal to always be in conflict and extending so much hate to even your own children it's crazy.
She blanks her siblings, her children, her workmates and makes my dad stay away from his relatives.

Sounds awful, not petty in the least, any of it. I'm sorry you went through that and are still suffering. It's good that you've come to the realisation that's it's not normal. It's not you - it's her! This took me ages to realise.
First off, don't have your mother on FB. The act she puts on is indeed sickening. I would limit phone calls too. You don't deserve to be told 'what do you want?' Maybe say ' I will call back later' when she says that. Or don't call at all, depending on how stressful that would be for you. Does she live nearby? (hope not)
Sorry to be nosy, but are you back with your dp now?

Thankyou creepy. I am back with dp we went onto have more children. I got pg with ds when I was still living at home and despite the fact she had known my dp all his life she decided she was going to make things as awkward as possible. She is blanking him again at the moment. Tis all very odd.
I hide her on fb, If I deleted her the would be no end of trouble.
We've all been invited on holiday by an aunt and mum rang yesterday to pass the message onto my dsis as she's not speaking to them and I thought great maybe she's trying to build bridges. My dsis both were reluctant to accept as mum is likely to cause an atmosphere but I sat there like a numpty and said that she was looking forward to it and I think she was realising she was acting like a loon by ignoring them so they accepted.
Now mum has just said to me "I didn't really want them two to come but I knew J would ask them why they didn't so I had to get you to ask them"
So now my sisters are going thinking one thing and my mum has no intention of speaking to them. :( and somehow I will end up feeling bad about it all.