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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel so guilty

44 replies

Ilovechorizo · 04/01/2013 14:10

I need to get this off my chest and get some friendly advice, please don?t flame me.
I am a 36 year old SAHM with 3 LO?s. I thought my marriage was fairly strong, stable but not particularly exciting. I suppose the usual day to day routines of a having a young family. Recently I got chatting to one of the dad?s at the school drop off, he is funny and charming and married but I got a real thrill out of the obvious attention he was paying me.
He started coming over for morning coffee and last week we ended up having sex. The whole thing is so surreal but at the time felt so right I feel so guilty but so very excited at the same time, more alive than I have felt in years.

I know its wrong and that I need to stop. Has anyone else here been in the same situation and is able to offer me some advice, does it always end badly?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 14:15

It's definitely going to end badly if you live in the same place, shag at your house and meet each other at the school gate. Sorry, but you seem to be doing your level best to be caught at it...

Here's the score. If your life/marriage etc. is dull and you want to change things and stay married then talk to your husband, spruce up your relationship, spice up your life and commit yourself 100%. If your life/marriage is irretrievably dull and you want to end the marriage... end the marriage.

Either way, drop the school Dad until you've decided which of the above you are going to do. Otherwise you are heading for disaster.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/01/2013 14:19

Neither this thread nor the situation is going to end well.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 14:23

Does School Dad have a partner as well..... ?

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 04/01/2013 14:29

It will not end well. Decide if you want to continue your marriage or not before you find somebody else. You are going to hurt a lot of people!

Original poster

Ilovechorizo · 04/01/2013 14:38

I know you are all right. We are being quite careful but it is risky.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 14:42

He doesn't have much respect for you does he? School Dad, that is

Lucy411 · 04/01/2013 14:44

Think about your kids.. Your husband... Instead of showing this other man so much attention and concentrating on sneaking around for your next shag deal with the real issues you have which are at home and either end the marriage or sort it out, its just selfish!

porridgelover · 04/01/2013 14:59

Ooops. There is no good ending to this for anyone involved. Except perhaps School Dad who may be the type to get his fun, then move on to the next one.

I'm sorry OP. I dont want to judge anyone, as we are all struggling with life. But this is'nt a solution to anything.
You cant deal with any of the issues that must be bubbling underneath to cause this if you continue with this 'relationship'.

ErikNorseman · 04/01/2013 15:13

Yes, it always ends badly.

Sugarice · 04/01/2013 15:33

End it before too much hurt is caused to everyone else!

Your relationship will be noticed soon enough by someone, then gossip will start and spread, blah blah blah.

It won't end well.

Original poster

Ilovechorizo · 04/01/2013 15:37

we are being very discreet and meeting in a car park some way from home.

OP posts:

Beaverfeaver · 04/01/2013 15:38

Once you start getting that 'alive' / 'excitement' feeling from the sneaking and risk of getting caught, going back to your DH will end up not fulfilling you and you will be looking to fill that void that school dad filled (as he won't be filling it for long) they never do.
He will eventually get a conscience, or get caught. (More than likely he gets caught before you do)

Beaverfeaver · 04/01/2013 15:40

Meeting in car park not very discreet. With modern technology there are so many ways for people to be checked up on once suspicion arises.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 15:41

You're shagging in the back of a car?

Sugarice · 04/01/2013 15:42

Don't bank on distance and discretion being enough to keep it secret!

There is always someone, somewhere who you didn't expect to see but who will see you.

Beaverfeaver · 04/01/2013 15:45

Your said it yourself in your OP - you are feeling guilty . No amount of excitement will take the guilt away.
And that will be how you get caught.

People when stressed/tired sometimes sleep talk and if your feeling guilty, your conscience will want to get it out

Lueji · 04/01/2013 15:46

So, it wasn't even a one off and you are pursuing this affair?

I think you owe it to yourself, your children and your husband to finish the relationship with him.

What if you get pregnant by him or catch an STI?

The devastation of finding out about an affair will be worse than just separating.

And how do you expect it to finish???

Ra88 · 04/01/2013 15:47

Bitch . End of .

Slippersox · 04/01/2013 15:47

You are being 'quite' careful but you know it's risky.Too right it is.Dont delude yourself no-one else at the school gates hasn't noticed as you've obviously been flirting/ dancing around each other for some time.
Essentially you say you have a solid marriage but life has got a bit dull.Well it won't be dull when your poor DH finds out.Prepare for the fireworks, a broken marriage and home for your children,or at very least spending months / years trying to repair the damage.If your marriage has got so stale work on it ,or leave it,but it doesn't stand a chance with this OM clouding the issue.
Sorry to sound harsh, but I've been on the other side of this situation and will never forget the phone call that exposed my DHs cheating, and the realisation that there was another woman in the background who found my DH fascinating because it was exciting and her life had got ' a bit dull'.And it all stared with a bit of ' harmless' flirting .

MirandaWest · 04/01/2013 15:48

How did you do this last week? Aren't the children on school holidays?

Sugarice · 04/01/2013 15:49

Miranda good point, it was still Christmas break, how did you arrange your shagging?

Slippersox · 04/01/2013 15:58

Just read your post about discretion and meeting in a car park.Don't think you feel guilt, just a massive sense of self- entitlement.Do you want someone to say you deserve some excitment and go for it?!This isn't a situation that has got out of hand and a one off as a result of him coming around.This has been planned and you a going some way from home to meet him.

worsestershiresauce · 04/01/2013 16:01

Oh god - can I just say this.... you total idiot. A dad from the school? Are you insane? Of course people will find out. Do you honestly think the other women at the school gate haven't noticed the 'obvious attention' he has been showing you. I'd put money on the gossip having gone viral already.

Think of all the people this affects - your DH, your DCs his DW, his DCs. My DH had an affair, we got through it... just. At least he had the good grace to keep it overseas away from my home turf. You've brought him home to your house - that is like a double betrayal. If I were your DH I'd probably kick you out, and then go round to his and punch him.

I know it is flattering to have someone pursue you, but you stand to lose everything here if your DH finds out. Your marriage, and your lover. When the sh*t hits the fan he is likely to drop you and go home to his wife. Most men do.

If you really must have an affair, keep it away from your home and your DCs.

Original poster

Ilovechorizo · 04/01/2013 16:03

You are all right..I know that I am am going to break off contact with the OM..its just not worth the risk

OP posts:

Jellybellydancer · 04/01/2013 16:06

My ex did this to me. Shagging another mum at my DS's school. I found out and left him.

I walk into that school every morning not sure if I'll see her or not. It's torture. We argued about who could go to the nativity play because I could not bare to be in the same room as her. Apparently I'm the selfish one.

Clearly you posted for a reason. You know this is the wrong thing to do. How would you feel if your children knew ? They found out you behaved like this whilst they were there? You really need to consider the consequences of this coming out. How your H would feel. Parents & teachers knowing. Then how you hold your head up high every time you take and collect your children.

Are you ready for that? Will a cheap thrill be worthwhile then?

I left and I'm 100% better for it. My H - not so much.

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