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Original poster

Please help me resolve this disagreement over holidays

78 replies

Kitsilano · 04/01/2013 14:05

My DH and I are incredibly lucky enough to have been able to buy a small apartment in Europe last Spring. It was something we both wanted to do and we are both very happy about it. He works very long hours in this country, I work and study very part time and flexibly. I grew up not in the UK (the apartment is where I spent a part of my childhood) and find the weather here, especially in recent years, very difficult to cope with - have suffered depression and been on anti-ds - often comes on in the winter months. If it weren't for the limitations of my husband's job I would be pushing very hard for us to try to move to somewhere with a better climate.

We have 2 DDs who are at school (youngest just started) and they have 8 week summer holidays. Last summer I spent a total of 6 weeks in the new apartment with the kids (where the weather is lovely, there are local swimming pools, mountain hikes etc) and we had an amazing time. My DH came for 3 of those weeks and several weekends commuted to see us.

It seemed great to me (though I realised it obviously wasn't as ideal for him) and I was assuming this would be the pattern going forward.

But now he is saying it was hellish for him and he really isn't happy about us going there without him for an extended period (we haven't discussed exact timings). We seem to be really on opposite sides on this point. My point of view is that he doesn't get home until the kids are in bed anyway so all he is missing is a couple of hours adult company a day for a few weeks, whereas he wants me to stay in rainy England, finding ways to entertain the kids over the long summer break - when we have an alternative that we are already paying a mortgage on....

Am I being really selfish? I can see where he is coming from, that it's not ideal for him and I realise how lucky I am and that I am getting the better end of this situation. But it seems silly to not use the place when it makes me and the kids so happy to be there. It's only a matter of a few weeks. And in a way I see this as one of the perks of my not going back to work properly after the kids - I have the freedom to travel during the holidays.

I know this is a problem I am lucky to have but my husband and I are increasingly at loggerheads about it and I really would appreciate an outside perspective.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 04/01/2013 14:09

does he want to keep the apartment and just not use it for more than 3 weeks a year?

tzella · 04/01/2013 14:09

Why was it 'hellish' for him?

Original poster
Kitsilano · 04/01/2013 14:13

ZZZen - I gues he sees us using it for a few weeks in the summer and the odd weekend, maybe a few days at Christmas. I'm not sure he had thoughts it through.

tzella - he did use that word which made me a bit Hmm but I think the issues for him are 1) loneliness when he gets home and 2) we were burgled about 3 years ago and since then both worry about the house being empty during the day. He cited this as one of the major anxieties with me and the kids being away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitsilano · 04/01/2013 14:13

Sorry for typos

OP posts:
Lueji · 04/01/2013 14:20

I can understand that for him flying (?) over at the weekend, after a busy week can be quite tiring.

Could he go out more with friends during those weeks, or do something else?

What if he was single? Would he not have to be alone as well?

nkf · 04/01/2013 14:24

I can see that working hard and returning home to an empty house is very different than working hard and returning home to dinner with your wife and a peek at your lovely sleeping children.

Four weeks? Two on and two off? A whole summer without your family doesn't sound much fun.

TinyDancingHoofer · 04/01/2013 14:36

I don't think it is fair ono him to take the children and yourself away for that amount of time whilst he is working. Could you maybe shorten the time? the whole summer alone with his family away sounds pretty grim. And the weather here isn't that bad, you can still go outside/ walking/ swimming.

Apocalypto · 04/01/2013 14:39

Did you not talk this through before you bought the place?

HeyHoHereWeGo · 04/01/2013 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZZZenAgain · 04/01/2013 14:46

I don't think 6 weeks in summer is an extravagant amount of time to use your apartment.

You could leave a week ahead of him, so he is at home and working for a week, then he comes out to join you for 3 weeks, then you stay on for another two. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect someone who works full-time to be ok being alone for 1 week and then for another two weeks really.

Maybe it was the commuting at weekends he found hellish

Original poster
Kitsilano · 04/01/2013 14:48

LOL!! Heyho you have summed up exactly how I feel but am trying not to express cos not diplomatic

Also, to be clear - the total time we were there and he was here without us was 3 weeks - and he flew out for 2 weekends during that so not talking about abandoning him for the whole summer.

OP posts:
fromparistoberlin · 04/01/2013 14:58

this summer I am sending my DP and my 2 kids to the Island DP is from

I am not happy to not see my DC for 3 weeks tbh, but I think its for the best for them and they will have a far better time than festering in a London suburb for 3 weeks

so...I think he is BU

but I also think people are being tad harsh. its not ideal to mot see kids for 3 weeks

go softly

goodygumdrops · 04/01/2013 15:10

I think I am with your husband. Sorry. It doesn't rain everyday here in the summer, that is being melodramatic. It sounds like he is working long hours. You have two kids at school and dont by your own admission work very much so have plenty of 'you' time. Could you not take two weeks out there together and week maybe on your own, and the other 3 weeks here as a compromise?

fiftyval · 04/01/2013 15:13

I suspect that the aspects he found 'hellish' were having to source/cook his own meals and ensure he had clean clothes etc - ie he is probably used to the Op doing all these things for him and has been getting a reminder of the more mundane tasks that have to be done on a day to day basis which the parent working out of the home tends to take for granted.

nkf · 04/01/2013 15:18

And if you suffer from seasonal depression, you might find a week in October or the February half term more beneficial.

cestlavielife · 04/01/2013 15:25
  1. loneliness when he gets home sakype - set up dongles or broadbands or buy phones with facetime so you can skype every night

what hobbies intrests friends does he have? can he reduce hours or compress them in summer to have several long weekends ?

  1. we were burgled about 3 years ago and since then both worry about the house being empty during the day.

it was three years ago! get local police advice on securing the property , burglar alarms etc

He cited this as one of the major anxieties

if he is prone to anxiety then he needs maybe quick course of CBT and some strategies to deal with anxiety

camaleon · 04/01/2013 15:33

My husband hates with a passion staying alone at home and being away from us. I do not understand this very well because I cherish loneliness and enjoy things like business trips that give me a couple of nights in a hotel with nobody sharing my space.

When he travles (he does quite a lot) he goes to incredible lengths to avoid any extra hour away from us. He has done things like travelling nearly 24 hours to get back in the plane a few hours later avoiding any night in a hotel abroad several times.

However, he would never dream of depriving the kids of holidays in a warm place and every year the kids are sent for 6 weeks with the grandmother while I can normally only afford to be with them 3/4 weeks and he can hardly manage more than 2. He hates it but he understands how selfish it would be for the full family to stay around him when kids are happier elsewhere.

I think your husband has to think a bit more of you and the kids and a bit less about himself here. All of you suffering for a couple of hours with you in the evening is not rational

MrsLyman · 04/01/2013 15:38

It's a bit harsh to suggest that all he misses is his dinner on the table.

OP how would you feel if the tables were turned and he went off with your DCs for 3 weeks whilst you went to work and came home to an empty house everyday, and I mean how you would really feel, don't just claim that you would selflessly want him to take the opportunity and enjoy himself because it's clear from your OP that you're not really that selfless.

Onezerozero · 04/01/2013 15:49

I would hate to be without my children for six weeks every summer. Can't you go for two fortnights?

Original poster
Kitsilano · 04/01/2013 18:10

Thanks for all your thoughts - clearly some different opinions which is probably what's got us into this state of disagreement to start with.

Firstly to be really clear - the amount of time I am talking about apart is 3 weeks total (not 6). During that time he would fly out on the 2 middle weekends - so would only go the 5 working days at a time without seeing the kids. So I don't think it's fair to assess this as if I were disappearing with the kids for the WHOLE summer.

Mrs Lyman - you are right - I can say I'd be fine with it but that's as a mum who sees her children the whole time and to whom a bit of peace and quiet sounds blissful. I don't know how I would actually feel if I were him. Probably a bit cheesed off that I was working while my wife and kids were somewhere nicer. And I'd miss them. But I'm not sure I'd stop them going given the parameters I have described.

It's not like I'm asking for time off. I'm just asking to do my job (ie looking after the kids through the holidays) in a nicer environment that doesn't incur us any additional expense.

Oh and I honestly dont think it's about his dinner being on the table - he isn't that kind of guy despite our fairly traditional set up.

OP posts:
dequoisagitil · 04/01/2013 18:16

I dunno, maybe I'm selfish but I wouldn't want to be working full-time while my partner swanned off for the entire summer holidays and I was left on my own.

I'd see a holiday home as somewhere we went as a family.

LessMissAbs · 04/01/2013 18:22

Hes possibly thinking he is paying for most of it and simply wants to be with his family, rather than being left on his own to pay the bills.

You would still be getting two or three weeks there as a family holiday, which is more than many families are gettin gin the recession.

Also, 65million most of us do manage to live through the weather here, its not fun but its not exactly life threatning either.

You are very fortunate to be in a position to contemplate 6 weeks in a foreign holiday apartment, but I don't think you are fully grasping the reality of what most people's working lives are like, including your DH's.

Mum2Fergus · 04/01/2013 18:25

Surely you must have talked all this through before getting the property?!

SaraBellumHertz · 04/01/2013 18:28

Both his reasons for it being "hellish" appear to be pretty lame on the face of it. I think you need a better explanation as to what actually bothers him.

I live in a part of the world where it is the absolute norm for mums to pack up with the kids during the hols and jet home/more pleasant climes.

His basic argument is that because he can't enjoy the flat none of you should. Shockingly selfish

Shinyshoes1 · 04/01/2013 19:24

I'm with the OP on this one and yes the weather is shitty here middle of June last year for the jubilee it was pissing down when it should be sunshine . I was speaking to a fella from Romania and he's lived here for 4 years . The weather is forcing him to leave . He hates the weather here and he said if it was proper seasons like it should be he'd stay but he can't get used to rainy weather in the summer and raining when it should be proper chilly in December . He said its very difficult to adjust to the weather so I know where the OP is coming from .

I'd go otherwise what's the point in having a place you can't enjoy just sitting there . You can't entertain the children for 6 weeks in the summer with shitty weather continuously you just can't . Give the kids the sun and a pool and job done .
Do you think he might be resentful about you being able to go as much as do when he can't ?
What was "hellish ? "