Please help me resolve this disagreement over holidays

[Kitsilano]

My DH and I are incredibly lucky enough to have been able to buy a small apartment in Europe last Spring. It was something we both wanted to do and we are both very happy about it. He works very long hours in this country, I work and study very part time and flexibly. I grew up not in the UK (the apartment is where I spent a part of my childhood) and find the weather here, especially in recent years, very difficult to cope with - have suffered depression and been on anti-ds - often comes on in the winter months. If it weren't for the limitations of my husband's job I would be pushing very hard for us to try to move to somewhere with a better climate.

We have 2 DDs who are at school (youngest just started) and they have 8 week summer holidays. Last summer I spent a total of 6 weeks in the new apartment with the kids (where the weather is lovely, there are local swimming pools, mountain hikes etc) and we had an amazing time. My DH came for 3 of those weeks and several weekends commuted to see us.

It seemed great to me (though I realised it obviously wasn't as ideal for him) and I was assuming this would be the pattern going forward.

But now he is saying it was hellish for him and he really isn't happy about us going there without him for an extended period (we haven't discussed exact timings). We seem to be really on opposite sides on this point. My point of view is that he doesn't get home until the kids are in bed anyway so all he is missing is a couple of hours adult company a day for a few weeks, whereas he wants me to stay in rainy England, finding ways to entertain the kids over the long summer break - when we have an alternative that we are already paying a mortgage on....

Am I being really selfish? I can see where he is coming from, that it's not ideal for him and I realise how lucky I am and that I am getting the better end of this situation. But it seems silly to not use the place when it makes me and the kids so happy to be there. It's only a matter of a few weeks. And in a way I see this as one of the perks of my not going back to work properly after the kids - I have the freedom to travel during the holidays.

I know this is a problem I am lucky to have but my husband and I are increasingly at loggerheads about it and I really would appreciate an outside perspective.

Exactly you on your own with two dc, albeit in a nice place.
He is working LNG hours and you barely see him mon to fri so for two months in summer you spend sme time elsewhere.
Does the absence make the hearts grow fonder or not ?

I am sorry but I can totally see your DH's point of view. I used to live overseas as an expat and would come bak to the UK over the summer while my DH worked. We tried to keep the time the family were seperated to an absolute minimum as I thought it unfair on my DH. He Really really missed us when we were away. It wasn't that he jealous of us having fun it was just that he missed us. My DH and I are both independent and happy to do things seperately but he would still miss us.

A few days here and there is ok but a few weeks is too long.

I'm with you OP. I wouldn't begrudge my DH doing exactly what you are suggested if that ever is an option in our lives. I think children benefit greatly from these experiences too and to have the apartment just sitting there seems such a waste.

If we had nice summers here in the UK I'd only want to go abroad for culture not for weather but I too need a good dose of sunshine.

I think 'hellish' can be defined as many things here. Jealous it's you that gets the benefit in the main. Probably having to fend for himself for a bit too.

It's a toughie to suggest how to make him see your point of view so the compromise of you going out a week earlier / coming back a week later seems fair.

I'm with you OP.

What you do and propose to keep doing is not unreasonable.

'He is earning the money while you enjoy the proceeds'

Sorry but that is BULLSHIT.

OP is a SAHM. Her financial contribution is in saving the family the (generally huge, especially for more than one child) cost of childcare.

And, as she says, doing just about everything else in the home.

OP has already commented that her earning power is a lot less than that of her H. So in fact she is probably making a greater net contribution to the family finances by SAHM-ing than working out of the home right now.

That's before you even get started on the longer-term financial and career sacrifices she's shouldering, like compromising her future earning potential in favour of his (leaving early because one of the kids is sick? - not Mr. OP!)

She's 'paying' the mortgage on their family asset just as much as he is.

OP, I do have some sympathy with your H. But it does rather sound as if he wants you home with the kids, as long as you don't have too much of what looks like fun doing it, because its not fair. Well both jobs are different, and for me personally I think the staying at home on the never ending childcare cycle is, mentally, much harder.

Perhaps you should reply by saying, ok, I won't go, but I want in return for you to promise me not to talk to your colleagues, have a laugh, go for coffee etc. no adult conversation in the daytime, because I can't have that and it's not fair. I wonder what he'd say.

I would ONLY SAHM if I were able to take advantage of the one single freedom it offers - not to have to be somewhere at 9am every day. So I don't think you're being unreasonable. And it's also for your children, and presumably why you bought the apartment in the first place.

Some compromise on timings should be reached, but fundamentally he needs reminding that there's a hell of a lot you're sacrificing to stay at home with the children, and no, it is not all made ok because you get to be at home all day. Quite the opposite in fact.

vivienne you would be looking for a divorce?

My parents have a house on the continent, which we use. Once the boys are a bit older, then DH has suggested that I go out there with them for 3 weeks or so over the summer, with him joining us for a week at the beginning and then a long weekend before we all go home.

OP - I expect that what has riled your DH is your attitude, which comes over here as very no compromise 'this is what I'm doing regardless of you'. You need to get to the bottom of exactly what it is that is upsetting him, and then discuss from there.

I have 1 DS, I'm a single parent.

Going on holiday is exhausting tbh, I came home from a week with friends in mallorca shattered! No snoozing on the beach, sun cream, food, stuff. Being at home looking after DC is exhausting, long days, pressure to do stuff, housework, OP is working her arse off all day everyday, but is healthier and happier in sunnier climes. She's still doing the same things, just without the godawful weather.

Op, balance the time off a bit better, and make sure he pulls his weight in childcare when you are together.

YANBU.

Kitsilano this is an interesting one that DH and I have dealt with over several years, under lots of different scenarios e.g. him unemployed, me a SAHM, DDs getting to school age, me back to work in a school with the flexibility of holidays that allows, DH's new high powered job, health issues of mine, health issues of my parents, blah blah. What I am trying to say is that you don't actually have to out a huge amount of pressure on yourselves to Solve This Problem Now For All Time IYSWIM.

My experience tells me that your circumstances and lives will change, probably every year, especially as your DC get older. So every year, you can sit down together and map out how and when you want to use the apartment that year, maybe both making some small compromises?

I think the previous posters talking about "swanning off" are being quite harsh!

And I just have to ask - is your name inspired by the Vancouver neighbourhood?

Oh and very importantly - if you haven't already, please check into light therapy for your seasonal affective disorder. I suffered dreadfully from depression (part of my I'll health referred to above) and having a light box in the winter practically cured me.

OP - please, let me emphasise, I do not think you are 'swanning off' at all, I can see your pov. But wonder if part of his resistance is that HE sees it thus. And if he does, 2 days with sole charge of the kids during Feb half term would enable him to see your position with instant clarity, IMO!

You haven't really said what exactly it is that he doesn't like about the arrangement.

WellI expect I'm just too selfish a person to think I would be happy if my partner enjoyed a long summer break abroad while I was at home working. But Alibaba if it suits you both then fine. But I would object if I was the one at work.

I've been in both the OP's shoes and the husband's and I can confirm that in my view, looking after children on my own even in a lovely climate, was much harder work than returning home from work to a house that was just as I left it, where I could have what I wanted for tea or I could accept impromptu social invitations. But we missed eachother terribly and whoever was at home missed the kids desperately, so we never did this for more than a week at a time. However, it was absolutely standard in our holiday home community for the SAHP to come for the entire school summer holidays. In some cases, the WOHP didn't come at all or only for the odd weekend and the most they came for was a fortnight.

There are some compromises you could consider:

Rent out the holiday apartment at other times of the year and use the proceeds to fund extra holidays/flights throughout the year. This will help with the SAD too, especially in February!

Compromise. You could stick with the 3 weeks in the summer, or go out 4-5 days before him and come back 4-5 days after his return. This would give you all a longish break and the smaller chunks of time will be more manageable in terms of separation/loneliness/needing the other parent to help with the kids.

I think this would be better than the current set-up and having done this myself, I agree that flying off for a short weekend either side of two busy working weeks is incredibly tiring. We both did this once apiece and said never again, as the one who'd had the kids all the time was desperate for a break and the tired traveller was expected to launch into 'fun mum or dad' straight away, when in reality all that person wants to do is crash on a sunbed!

Because I really can see this from both sides, compromise is the way to go with this one.

Thanks everyone for your input and thoughts. It's been quite an eye opener! It is very helpful to get my head around the fact that we don't have to agree an answer now that is "forever", and that I come across as "no-compromise" - which if I am honest is pretty much how I feel but I thought I was hiding it better!

For those who have asked - the reasons he says he finds it "hellish" are: missing us, hating coming home to an empty house with the kids empty beds and the worry about security after the burglary. Last summer one of the cats got ill too and he had to deal with that - he cited that as a disadvantage of us being away too - if something goes wrong he has to deal with it whereas normally I would.

I will talk to him in the spirit of genuine compromise, try to understand where he is coming from and what he feels and see if we can find arrangement we are both happy with.

Oh and HeartsTrumpDiamonds - yes - I used to live in vancouver so thats where the name comes from!

There is a lot to be said for having a partner who misses you

Nice way of looking at it NotOn

OP I ask because my DBro & his family live in Van and would still live in Kits if they could afford it now with 2 kids plus dog!

Yes Kits is lovely but very expensive for families!

Thanks also TalkativeJim - I do feel like I have made a sacrifice as you describe. I'm happy with my choice and it has been my choice but I definitely don't think it is always the easiest option.

In your position I would be going for the whole eight weeks! I teach so have all the school holidays with the dc. We spend every summer on various trips away. Sometimes DH comes with us, more often he doesn't. It's not my fault or the dc fault that I get more holiday than him. Stick to your holiday, it sounds like your DH just resents that you can have a lovely time while he works.

I can see it from both sides. I can see why he'd miss you all, even be justified in feeling a little jealous. But also thought he might value a bit of alone time 5 working days isn't a long time really.

Can totally see you side, sounds amazing for you and the kids. Wondering if you suffer with SAD wouldn't it be better to split the time for Winter Breaks too though?

You'll have to come up with a comprimise.

So let me get this right.

You will all be going for three wks, dh as well.

Then he would come home but would visit at the weekends.

As you say there would be 12 days he isnt with you?

You are not going off without him for six weeks he will be there for at least half of the time.

I think it sounds perfrctly reasinable tbh and its not like you will be living the life if riley you will have the children to look after and usual household responsibilities.

If you stayed at home he wouldnt sre the kids when awake anyway due to long hours.

I can see why he is a bit grumpy about it but i bet its more because he has to cook and clean up after himself and heaven forbid take the cat to the vet!

I spent last summer in the alps so I'm very .

I don't think that you are being unreasonable in wanting to stay out there. I would love for my children to spend summer in such an environment

Could he go out for the second week, home a week, out for the fourth week, home a week and then spend the last week together. When we had an apartment in Majorca we went for a month but my DH came for the last two weeks.

That might work deste. The logistics are complicated by the fact that we drive out and back so him coming for the middle chunk and me having an extra week either end would mean me doing the 14-hour drive each way with the kids on my own .

Oh God don't do that Kits whatever you do!!

It would have been really helpful if you'd said before that you drive as a family there and back, but you did say your husband flies over at the weekends so why isn't that a possibility for you and the children? Especially if it allows you to achieve a compromise as a family? I'm presuming you're okay with flying with them on your own?

Where does the cat go when you all away ? Cat place or people come in ?

The worry about sick cats and burglaries seems out of proportion.
Is he an anxious person ?

Of course he should be the one single person Flying back and forth not the person with the kids . That makes no sense. ok so he has to then work but he has evenings free can go to bed early recover etc.

Years ago with now ex I would go out with him and youngest dc, by car, to his european country. spend couple days, come back.on plane and alone or with oldest ds .
Repeat in reverse at end of summer. That is how it was. I was working. Was best for dc.

Things might change as dc grow up anyway. If its best solution for dc for this summer do it.