Please help me resolve this disagreement over holidays

[Kitsilano]

My DH and I are incredibly lucky enough to have been able to buy a small apartment in Europe last Spring. It was something we both wanted to do and we are both very happy about it. He works very long hours in this country, I work and study very part time and flexibly. I grew up not in the UK (the apartment is where I spent a part of my childhood) and find the weather here, especially in recent years, very difficult to cope with - have suffered depression and been on anti-ds - often comes on in the winter months. If it weren't for the limitations of my husband's job I would be pushing very hard for us to try to move to somewhere with a better climate.

We have 2 DDs who are at school (youngest just started) and they have 8 week summer holidays. Last summer I spent a total of 6 weeks in the new apartment with the kids (where the weather is lovely, there are local swimming pools, mountain hikes etc) and we had an amazing time. My DH came for 3 of those weeks and several weekends commuted to see us.

It seemed great to me (though I realised it obviously wasn't as ideal for him) and I was assuming this would be the pattern going forward.

But now he is saying it was hellish for him and he really isn't happy about us going there without him for an extended period (we haven't discussed exact timings). We seem to be really on opposite sides on this point. My point of view is that he doesn't get home until the kids are in bed anyway so all he is missing is a couple of hours adult company a day for a few weeks, whereas he wants me to stay in rainy England, finding ways to entertain the kids over the long summer break - when we have an alternative that we are already paying a mortgage on....

Am I being really selfish? I can see where he is coming from, that it's not ideal for him and I realise how lucky I am and that I am getting the better end of this situation. But it seems silly to not use the place when it makes me and the kids so happy to be there. It's only a matter of a few weeks. And in a way I see this as one of the perks of my not going back to work properly after the kids - I have the freedom to travel during the holidays.

I know this is a problem I am lucky to have but my husband and I are increasingly at loggerheads about it and I really would appreciate an outside perspective.

Maybe I'm selfish, but if I was working ridiculously long hours in a stressful job, I'd be a bit pissed off if DH and DC went away for the whole summer while I was slaving in the office

It's not the WHOOOOOLE summer!!!! (How many times do I have to say this?)

Though I do understand the general points from those who disagree with me.

It's clearly quite a polarising issue.

It IS the whole summer. But he can come and visit and spend some weekends or a couple of weeks. The rest of the time he's working and coming home to an empty house.

I wouldn't like it, in his place.

No, I know you're not away on your own for the whole summer, but you are away for the whole summer. I know DH would miss me for socialising - going out for dinner, gigs, theatre and meeting up with other people

My boss and his family have arranged that his DP and DC go to a holiday villa for the whole summer this year. He's going to 'commute' for weekends (& I'm going for one too!). Boss owns the company and can work from anywhere (with Internet) and does so very hard; 24/7 & he'll answer the phone at 4am. He's not prone to anxiety though. Maybe that's the real ishoo?

You are right of course - I am away for pretty much the whole summer (6 weeks out of 8). But we would go away for 3 weeks as a family anyway. So the bit that is the issue is only 3 weeks. And he would visit on weekends just as many parents who work away during the week do.

Yes, I know he will miss me and the kids during the 12 DAYS in total that we are apart....

I think a fair compromise would be you away 1 week, him out for 3, you stay a further week. I wouldn't do 2 and 2 as people are suggesting as you have to pay for and 'survive' 4 flights instead of 2.

Actually; thinking about it my boss probably will start to feel a bit lonely going home to an empty house every night... He'll certainly use it as an excuse to booze more
Sorry, don't know why I posted. I'm slightly worried about him now [shocked]

Six weeks sounds like the whole summer to most people because that's the length of a state school summer holiday.

I think you can discount the weekends he came out to you. They were probably quite tiring. Leaving the office on Friday, flight, short weekend and then back to the office on Monday. It sounds okay but the reality is probably a bit wearying.

I think, on balance, I'd try to compromise. And use it in winter months too if it helps with the depression.

Maybe that is a fair compromise redandwhite. Agree that it's expensive to fly all of us home and then back out again.

nkf - apartment is in the Alps - so good to use in the winter months for skiing (when the kids are a bit older) but not that helpful for the depression in November/Feb. In summer the weather is lovely! But I do take your point as to that being the best time for me to get some sun to help deal with the whole dark, cold, wet and bleak issue.

I work long hours. There are times when DP, who studies, has packed up the kids for long trips to visit the grandparents for 2-3 weeks. I understood it was best for the kids but I would be lying if I said that part of me wasn't resentful and wanting them to stay with me. On the other hand I knew the children would have a far better time there (as would DP). I thought that it was fair for them to go but was annoyed by the automatic expectation that they could swan off while I stayed on with 14-hour work days. We talked at length and found a schedule that worked for us.

OP: if you force this issue you will only build up the resentment, especially if you start getting the idea in your head that you "deserve" to go on holidays while your other half is paying for them. Sit down with him, try to understand his fears and frustrations (which are certainly more complex than you've stated here) and see what compromises you can find. Try to emphasize you will miss him too and want him to be around him as much as he wants to be around you (which I hope is true?)

HTH

I don't think weekends he comes out are restful or non-stressful, 'though. Doing the travelling is a pain in the arse. Redandwhite's idea does seem better.

Have you tried light therapy for your SAD?

Thank you thirdfromleft - that is very helpful and I will absolutely take it on board.

Thanks for the suggestion dequoisagitil - yes I have a "lamp" - and it does help a bit when I can be disciplined enough to sit in front of it.

I know it sounds silly but this is something I genuinely struggle with, have felt desperately, close to dangerously depressed in the past and one of the things that kept me going and vaguely sane this year past was the knowledge that if I just hung on I would be in the sunshine for the summer.

What kind of things do you do with your h. Eg social get babysitters go out ? During The week usually ? He doesn't see the dc anyway you say ? Plus you have the apartment and you still lookmg after dc on your own . Why not do it somewhere more pleasant ?

You have decided mutually you will care for the dc during the long holidays . You decided to buy a flat in alps. Seems daft for him t be so anxious over eng alone when he gets home late anyway. Maybe there is more to it. Does he like his work ? Could he change jobs ? Work less hours?

It is really that hard to commute short flight to alps every week ? Does he work in the city? Short hop from city airport ? Does he enjoy time in the alps with your?

When he goes out there does he enjoy it ?
Surely many city workers do this in the summer ? Someone takes dc t the second home in the country (in this case yes another country) and the working parent commutes on weekends ? Doesn't he like the apartment and the chance to get fresh air himself ? Surely he can see it better for you and dc ?

My dc father is foreign and at their school this is really common . The one parent goes back to the country me urge the whole summer and the other goes when they can. Or if both parents work the dc go off to grandparents the whole summer . It really isn't that unusual. Whoever works go when they can . And enjoy time alone without the dc responsibilities

"And in a way I see this as one of the perks of my not going back to work properly after the kids - I have the freedom to travel during the holidays."

Does he see you swanning off enjoying the perks of his income while he stays in rainy old blighty, nose to the grindstone? From his perspective? (I'm not saying it IS like that).

Let him look after the kids for 3 days during the Feb half term.

If it is this, talk seriously about adjusting your whole life-work balance. Ask if he would like to work less and you to work more, so that HE could do 3 weeks away with the kids.

Why, from his pov, is it hellish? We are speculating, but has he articulated why? Does he miss the kids? Feel resentful that you are swanning about enjoying the perks of not going back to work, is he lazy domestically, or imagine you sipping wine with some European Lothario while he is away?

I'm not sure you can claim long holidays is a perk of working less - working less, is a perk of working less!
I travel a lot for work - trust me, working all week then flying out is pretty draining.
It does sound a bit rubbish for him, having his whole family upsticks for the summer.
Can you reduce the summer break and go half terms instead? Makes more sense if you're avoiding the weather, too.
Is he resentful that you get to "swan off" all summer? I know he should do what's best for the kids, but I'll be honest - I'd be resentful if I were him. That may not make me the world's nicest person, but it's better to be honest with feelings if you want to deal with them.

NotOnTheBeach - cross posted re swanning off! Love that expression!

Hmm. The working less thing is not as clear cut as it might seem. I would be quite happy to go to back to work at this point. But my earning potential is about 1/10 of my husband's. And he already works crazy hours so doesn't contribute to the housegold really apart from working - I do most everything else. So we have decided that the most sensible thing for all our sakes is not to add complexity, stress and extra negotiation. And it is a decision I have made - though have to justify to myself occasionally.

And one of the justifications is the freedom to travel with the kids over holidays.

I'm not sure about "swanning off" either. Would you say that if we had a cottage in Wales, say, and I took the kids there? To me, it implies an incredibly carefree, responsibility-free escape. The reality is just carrying out all the domestic and child related responsibilities I have anyway, but in a sunnier environment where it's easier to spend time outside in the fresh air doing active stuff. It's not a hotel - and not like I don't still cook, clean, do laundry, pay bills, organise maintenance, organise day trips etc etc for the kids.

I think "swanning off" is harsh.

LOL at "housegold" - clearly he DOES contribute to that! Meant "household"...

Well I can see why he isn't happy with this arrangement. He's earning the money and you enjoy the proceeds while he spends the summer alone. If I was him I'd be applying for a divorce. Sorry but this is just simply not on.