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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex husband dilemma

59 replies

WaspFactory · 04/01/2013 13:35

I split with my husband last summer after 5 years, there were lots of reasons but mostly because I'd fallen for a work colleague and wanted to be with him. My ex was studying full time for 4 years and I supported him and today, out of the blue, he just handed me a cheque for £5k, which he says is part of the inheritance he recently received from his grandmother and he wanted to help me in paying off my debts.

Can I accept it? He doesn't know about my new partner and there was a bit of 'overlap' so I feel awful. He's such a sweet person, and I don't know if it's in some way a bid to get me back (although he's never begged me to come back or even asked me why I left).

OP posts:

Sugarice · 04/01/2013 13:37

Do you have dc's with your Ex?

purplewithred · 04/01/2013 13:38

Top of head - tell him the truth about your new partner and then if he still wants to give you the money because you supported him when he was studying (I assume this means financial support) then accept it graciously.

Sugarice · 04/01/2013 13:38

I would feel very guilty accepting such a gift knowing Ex isn't fully aware of the other bloke.

Itwillendinsmiles · 04/01/2013 13:39

Are you divorced yet?

Snorbs · 04/01/2013 13:42

So you had an affair and subsequently dumped your husband but haven't yet had the guts to be honest with him about why you left him?

There's an easy way to resolve this particular moral conundrum. Tell your ex-husband that you are now with the man you had the affair with that ended his marriage. Then ask him if he still thinks you deserve the £5K.

Llareggub · 04/01/2013 13:42

I think if you supported him for 4 years then you should accept it without saying anything.

Original poster

WaspFactory · 04/01/2013 13:43

No kids, and not divorced yet.

I've been trying to tell him about my new partner for ages (we're still in touch quite regularly) but I couldn't do it.

OP posts:

tzella · 04/01/2013 13:45

This is a purely monetary transaction, right? You happily supported him financially and now he's in the position to pay you back. It's about the money, not the relationship or your guilt. I'd leave the new partner out of it.

Sugarice · 04/01/2013 13:45

Does Ex now have a job and could he do with the £5000 more than you?

It's such a generous offer but I feel a little about whether you should accept it.

Original poster

WaspFactory · 04/01/2013 13:46

I do feel guilty, but I ran up £15k in debts during the time we were together. I'm also currently renting because he's still living in our house and can't really move out so my outgoings are so high I can't afford to pay the debts off.

OP posts:

Original poster

WaspFactory · 04/01/2013 13:48

Sugar - no, he's in and out of work since he graduated so he's not that well off. But I'm so skint atm and it would really help - hence the quandary.

Other thing is, my Mum died a year before we got married and I used the money she left me to pay for the wedding and honeymoon.

OP posts:

namechangerforaday · 04/01/2013 13:50

Take it if you ended up with debts supporting him and pay some off

tzella · 04/01/2013 13:50

Take the money! £5k sounds like a drop in the ocean after supporting him, paying for wedding etc etc. and it's his 'free' money - not out of his precious savings.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 04/01/2013 13:53

I'd say thank you and accept graciously. He wouldn't offer it if he didn't think it was fair.

MulledWineAndScully · 04/01/2013 14:01

Take the money - it's purely about the finances and not about the morals of what you did. If you 'fess up he might not see it quite that way though.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 04/01/2013 14:02

Take the money. He owes it to you for your financial support while you were studying. Don't worry about him finding out about your new DP, you are entitled to have relationships with anyone you choose and it is not XPs business now you are separated from him.

Intothefire · 04/01/2013 14:08

I completely agree with Snorbs

SarahBumBarer · 04/01/2013 14:56

Well I would not be able to take it knowing that I had not been honest with him. Feels like obtaining cas by deception.

Not sure what relevance your inheritance is - presumably had you been faithful you would still be married and you would not feel that you had wasted the money.

Original poster

WaspFactory · 04/01/2013 15:04

I think I will take it, most of you seem to think it's the right thing to do and I needed some impartial advice so thanks :)

OP posts:

maleview70 · 04/01/2013 15:08

Morally I'm not sure you should as you know the full story and he doesn't.

You supported him because he was your partner at the time. He is not under any obligation to pay that back.

I supported my now wife when she took a year off to study. If we split up I wouldn't expect her to give it back.

If he knew the full story and still wanted you to have the money then fine but he doesn't.....

dequoisagitil · 04/01/2013 15:09

Hang on a sec, if you're still married wouldn't you be entitled to some of this money if it came to financial settlements from the divorce?

Check out what this means for you legally before you accept.

maleview70 · 04/01/2013 15:15

Deq....are you suggesting that someone who has an affair, leaves her husband but is not divorced should make a claim on money left to him by his grandmother?

If so then it's no wonder some people don't want to get married with attitudes like that.

dequoisagitil · 04/01/2013 15:20

I'm suggesting that marital assets and debts should be shared. That the marriage failed for whatever reason shouldn't leave one party deep in debt and the other sitting pretty.

maleview70 · 04/01/2013 15:42

Even if the grandmother (on his side) died after the decision was taken to leave the marriage....very fair that seems. What is legally right and morally right are two very different things

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 15:51

I don't think I could take the money in the circumstances. Especially if, at any level, you think it's an attempt to win you back. If you're in the process of getting divorced then go through that process properly, consider debts you've both taken out and divide up the assets fairly (including this £5000 from his inheritance if he still wants to include it) but with everyone in full posession of all the facts..... clean break, no secrets.

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