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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex husband dilemma

59 replies

WaspFactory · 04/01/2013 13:35

I split with my husband last summer after 5 years, there were lots of reasons but mostly because I'd fallen for a work colleague and wanted to be with him. My ex was studying full time for 4 years and I supported him and today, out of the blue, he just handed me a cheque for £5k, which he says is part of the inheritance he recently received from his grandmother and he wanted to help me in paying off my debts.

Can I accept it? He doesn't know about my new partner and there was a bit of 'overlap' so I feel awful. He's such a sweet person, and I don't know if it's in some way a bid to get me back (although he's never begged me to come back or even asked me why I left).

OP posts:

Original poster

WaspFactory · 04/01/2013 16:03

Actually, as we're not divorced, I probably am entitled to half but I would never pursue something like that.

OP posts:

Lueji · 04/01/2013 16:06

From what you say, this money can be used to pay up debts that you ran up when you two were together, so it's joint debts anyway.

So, he benefits as well.

Is he paying you anything for still being at your home? Who pays the mortgage? Is there any equity?

Can you get divorced quickly and arrange a fair split of your assets and debt?
He could cite adultery, instead of waiting.

dequoisagitil · 04/01/2013 16:08

Fair enough (and I approve your choice as well, actually).

I don't think it's necessary to feel particularly grateful or guilty about accepting the money, because he may well be aware himself of the possibilities of division during divorce and may be doing this to prevent that happening. I may be being cynical. But he might have had cynical advice himself .

Original poster

WaspFactory · 04/01/2013 16:28

Lueji, he's paying me a lump sum each month to help me with the mortgage. Yes there is some equity in the house, we're planning to split that 50/50 as he put the deposit in so the money I've paid plus the increase in value means we should both get a decent amount.

Interestingly, he said in an email earlier "I know you've moved on" which may mean he knows now, or has worked out, that I'm with someone else.

OP posts:

Ahhhcrap · 04/01/2013 16:36

If you have debts but haven't split any money then these debts will be taken into account when doing the 50/50 split, take the money and pay off the debt, that way this will be taken into account when you split the assets.

Original poster

WaspFactory · 04/01/2013 16:40

I'm not planning on using a solicitor for the divorce, the only asset we have is the house.

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 04/01/2013 16:44

You are currently still married, so it's joint assets and joint debts. I'd accept and pay off your debts.

As for telling him about the new man, what reason did you give him for ending the marriage? Personally I'd keep your new relationship quiet, if you have managed that so far. The 'moved on' could be he's heard you've got someone new, or it could be that he sees you've moved on from the relationship emotionally, who knows, but there's no reason adding extra hurt. It's not like you are going to work on this marriage and so need to be honest with him about that. This assumes you don't start telling the world when you and new man are together that you started as an affair...

Original poster

WaspFactory · 04/01/2013 17:02

thanks DontmindifIdo, that was my thinking too, no point in hurting him if I don't have to.

I didn't give him a reason really, I said I wasn't happy and that I wanted to leave. He's never asked me why but he did know I was very close to my current partner (ex work colleague) as we were friends before my and my husband met so maybe he just figured it out.

OP posts:

akaemmafrost · 04/01/2013 18:05

You supported him for 5 years while he studied. Something that he will benefit from the rest of his life. This money has nothing to do with the way you left the relationship. I think you should accept it and not worry.

Snorbs · 04/01/2013 18:30

Let's just try this out as a thought experiment:

I'm a woman and my husband left me last year as he said it just wasn't working between us. He'd supported me through a university course while we were together so when I subsequently came into an inheritance I gave him some of it to help him as I felt I owed him. I've now found out that he actually left the marriage because he was having an affair. AIBU to think he should have told me that before accepting the money?

Given that scenario, any bets on what the general Mumsnet opinion would be of the ex-husband?

VBisme · 04/01/2013 18:38

Of you can live with yourself then take the money.

I left my husband, and I did everything in my power to make sure that he was okay financially and could remain in the fmh. I certainly wouldn't have taken money off him.

Isn't your new man supporting you?

allnewtaketwo · 04/01/2013 18:41

I completely agree with Snorbs

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 04/01/2013 18:49

Oh FFS this monogamist bullshit is tiresome. People are not financially penalized in divorces for having had exit affairs, so there is no reason why they should be penalized in informal arrangements. If the poor wickle betwayed XP had owed the OP money in a more straightforward way (ie he had borrowed a few grand from her/ taken out a loan with her as guarantor or used her inheritance to set up a business which then failed) would her having an affair mean the debt ought to be cancelled? I don't think so.

allnewtaketwo · 04/01/2013 18:51

She's not being penalised FFS. It's hardly a debt if a loving financially supports the other is it

VBisme · 04/01/2013 19:12

How is the fact that she supported him during a marriage a "debt"?

Jesus Christ the double standards from some posters are just unbelievable.

I don't see many posts on here suggesting that wives who've been supported at times during their marriages should repay their ex when he's run off with the OT.

But then that's different isn't it?

dequoisagitil · 04/01/2013 19:14

The debt is the £15,000 she owes which was accrued during their marriage while she was supporting him through his course?

dequoisagitil · 04/01/2013 19:15

So - an actual monetary debt.

tass1960 · 04/01/2013 19:20

Depending where you are, in Scotland inherited funds are excluded from matrimonial assets - so OP would not be entitled to half - have no opinion as to whether you should take the cheque or not ...

VBisme · 04/01/2013 19:26

But that's a martial debt, it's not a debt that he owes to her........

Snorbs · 04/01/2013 19:31

SGB, it's "monogamist bullshit" because they were married. They had made a promise to each other not to fuck around behind each other's backs.

If they were in an open relationship or other form of polyamory then fine, you would be justified in calling this debate "monogamist bullshit". But they weren't.

I personally think it's selfish and spineless of the OP to take the money without at least being honest with her ex about the primary reason why she left. It might make a difference to the ex, or he may still feel that despite the reasons why the marriage failed he still owes her a debt for the support. Who knows?

But I think it's only fair and reasonable to treat the poor sod with at least enough respect to give him the truth before taking the cheque.

dequoisagitil · 04/01/2013 19:31

But she's the one paying it. That's the point.

allnewtaketwo · 04/01/2013 20:49

Presumably the DP was studying with the intention of improving his career prospects. The OP will have known this in lending him the money, as I very much doubt she got do far into debt unless the study was to benefit financially in the future. So it was hardly selfless. And that she then choose to, as someone so eloquently put it "fuck around" then it's her own hard luck that she's saddled with the debt that she willingly took on

NotThoughtOfMy2013NNyet · 04/01/2013 20:59

My first thought would be yes, take it but only because you are struggling finacially too and supporting him came at a real cost to you.

My second thought is that if you think he would change is mind because he's not fully aware of why you left the marriage then the money is tainted and you would always feel guilty for accepting it.

cuillereasoupe · 04/01/2013 21:11

I think you'd have to have a brass neck a mile long to take it without telling him why you left.

Jiddle · 15/01/2013 15:51

OP you sound like a real piece of work! You had an affair with a married colleague, you ditched your H and your lover ditched his wife leaving her with a 4 year old DD last summer. By Christmas you were asking him about having a child together and he wasn't keen as he was concerned about his ability to continue funding his DD. You think he shouldn't be paying more than the CSA minimum towards DD (which currently he does) and that his STBXW is conning him into doing so.

You didn't fancy waiting a millisecond longer than you wanted for a decision on the baby so you unilaterally decided to stop taking the pill in order to "trap" him into getting you pregnant as he "hates condoms".

All information gleaned from your other threads.

I feel sorry for the exW, the DD and even your partner. What happened to you in life to make you so utterly self-absorbed?

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