Ex husband dilemma

[WaspFactory]

I split with my husband last summer after 5 years, there were lots of reasons but mostly because I'd fallen for a work colleague and wanted to be with him. My ex was studying full time for 4 years and I supported him and today, out of the blue, he just handed me a cheque for £5k, which he says is part of the inheritance he recently received from his grandmother and he wanted to help me in paying off my debts.

Can I accept it? He doesn't know about my new partner and there was a bit of 'overlap' so I feel awful. He's such a sweet person, and I don't know if it's in some way a bid to get me back (although he's never begged me to come back or even asked me why I left).

Jiddle that isn't accurate as a representation. I was all set to tar and feather the OP and went to look at the threads in question, and yes, she is very serious about her partner and yes, she does want a baby, but she is planning to try next year as the maternity package will be better and it will be more affordable, and she is also extremely fond of the SD. I agree it is unreasonable to want the partner to reduce the payments in any way - he is not paying what it costs to raise a child, even with the additional amount - and the OP needs to step back and consider that. It's pretty horrible to do that to a 4 year old, especially when you are also the reason she no longer lives with her dad.

We don't know what the situation is here with her ex. She supported him financially and accrued 15k of debt doing it which she regards as hers and not theirs. She left him living in the marital home and is paying most of the mortgage on it even now, despite their being equity in it, half of which is hers. Yes, she should have been more honest with him on why she left, but that alone doesn't make her the wicked witch of the west. It makes her an all too human fuckup.

OP in all honesty the person you are considering screwing over here is the stepdaughter you are so fond of, and I would think long and hard about why you are expending a lot of emotional energy worrying over how fair you are being to him, while being really rather cavalier about financial responsibilities to a vulnerable toddler. The ex, and really I would examine how much of the debt was taken out when you were putting him through uni and ask that that amount be halved and then the amount set against your share of the equity. He can pay it as the 5k now, or he can pay it with the equity division. That way you're being straightforward over the finances, which is the subject at hand.

Just to clarify - any debt accrued because you left, and needed to set up a second rented home (which you share with the lover he does not know about) is obviously your own responsibility, not his. The debt I think it is reasonable to divide between assets you have in common is debt created when/because you were supporting him financially.

I don't think your relationship should come into it. If you give a gift, it should be given freely with no strings, or it's not a gift. I would be hesitant about accepting this if I thought it was a gesture designed to win me back, as it could get difficult. Otherwise I'd view it as a decent person wanting to return some of the financial support he received while studying.

My DB gave his ex and her DH a large sum of money when his 'ship came in' in payment for a debt he decided he owed them. (Through no fault of his own and to cut a very long story short, he did not pay maintenance for their 3 DCs for some considerable time. My SIL worked over time and juggled stuff to make ends meet - she knew it was not his fault.
When he offered the money she refused, saying that time was a long time past (several years) and they had all got through it. Instead, he paid for his ex, the DH, his DCs and DH's DCs to have the holiday of a lifetime.

I think you have to be careful that the money is offered in the right spirit and accepted in the right spirit.

Mushroomsoup, what a lovely story. It's so wonderful when adults can behave that way, especially when kids are involved.

Jiddle I totally agree with everything you say. Perfect I'm afraid you're being far to kind to the op, I think she needs to let the dust settle from the consequences of her (and dp) actions before bringing another child into the mix.

Is the 15k debt entirely yours, or has he got 15k debt as well because you've already split a 30k debt down the middle?

Split all assets and debts. Leave the inheritance out of that as it came after you split. Once you've done that, then take his 5k if you please (if it's still on offer). That is the fair way to end the marriage financially for both of you. Affairs are neither here nor there.

Take the money, you supported him, and please DO NOT tell him what ended his marriage (though he might guess).

That kind of knowledge brings a pain and sense of worthlessness the agony of which outweighs the principle of 'honesty'.

That's YOUR guilt. You carry it. Don't tell him, its over.

Haven't read the whole thread but if it were me, I wouldn't be able to rest easy knowing what his late Grandma would've thought if she knew her cash was lining the coffers of her adulterous granddaughter in law.