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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh says I'm lazy - am I?

72 replies

Tethering · 04/01/2013 11:17

I've namechanged for this because I'm a bit Blush
Ok, so relationship is quite rocky.Anyway on NYE dh was all 'let's make our relationship better this year, etc, etc'. I said my preference would be for relationship to work but my priority is to be happier as I feel sad and drained a lot. I'm starting counselling this month.
Anyway, since NYE dh has called me 'a lazy bitch' every single day.
Now, I'll admit the house is pretty untidy because we got into a stand-off about dh not pulling his weight. Plus we have little storage but he insists on buying dc toys all the time. (you may say 'buy storage' - I have bought some but when I try to buy larger pieces of furniture I ask him to contribute financially and he freaks out and says it's his house and that I can't decorate it . . .(just realising how pathetic that sounds Sad )
I work in our business whilst dc is at nursery. I also work freelance. I do all the shopping, cooking, washing. Dh does own ironing. He has recently started to wash the dishes. I'm the one who washes, dresses, plays with dc, reads to him, etc. I did all the Christmas shopping,etc. DH watches cartoons with dc and occasionally (about once every 3 months) will take dc out for a few hours so I can get some time to myself. Dh will also occasionally give dc breakfast.
When dh comes in from work. He is either on the computer or straight upstairs to listen to the radio in the bedroom.
I admit I'm tired a lot - more so than I feel I should be and I do seem to struggle with getting on top of housework- but I've never really thought of myself as lazy . . .so I guess I'm looking for a kick up the backside because I might respond better to one from mn than I do to dh's!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 12:08

Tell me.... did your husband grow up in some exotic land with servants? Did/does he have indulgent parents that never let him lift a finger at home? Where does a man in 2013 still get the idea that women exist simply to do their bidding?

Fairenuff · 04/01/2013 12:10

I'm glad that you are reaching the end of your tether actually, OP. Perhaps you can now start to admit to yourself how bad it has got.

None of this is your fault. None of it. You could be exactly the same person doing exactly the same thing with a different partner and you would not be treated like this. It's not you, it's him.

There is nothing you can do to please him. It will never be enough. Happiness is not about how tidy the house is, or who does the washing up. It's about mutual respect, love, trust and support. If you don't have that, you have nothing.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/01/2013 12:12

Huh, you lot are no use, I'll have to link it myself.

And then think how much less cooking and tidying you'd have to do if there were one fewer in the household.

happygolurky · 04/01/2013 12:16

basically, he wanted to be in control of all the decisions (from colour of cushions to moving furniture) but I could be responsible for doing most of that stuff. I didn't see the point in pursuing that kind of list.

Marriage should be a partnership, not one person calling the shots and another doing the shitwork.

Even if your friend does 99% of housework, I bet she is allowed to make decisions on decorating, have her own belongings in the house, and isnt repeatedly called a lazy cow?

I feel so sad for you putting up with this :(

Reaa · 04/01/2013 12:20

My DH called me that once so I did nothing but basic stuff (feed the DC) for 2 whole days, he soon realised how much I did everyday after that Smile

sue52 · 04/01/2013 12:26

Please howyour DH the responses to your question. That should show him who is the lazy one

EuroShagmore · 04/01/2013 12:33

Cogito I said that I wouldn't be with this man. I wouldn't be with anyone who treated me with so little respect. But for some reason the OP is. Therefore I was coming up with a constructive suggestion to try to move things forward.

Yama · 04/01/2013 12:34

Dear God, of course you are not lazy.

I do far, far, far less than you. I wouldn't tolerate the person who is supposed to love me calling me any name. Don't normalise this behaviour, it's really not acceptable.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 12:38

@Euro... I understand. :) But I think the only constructive way forward for Mr Crown Prince Of All I Survey is down the hall and out of the door with a very large boot up his backside.

jessjessjess · 04/01/2013 12:39

He should not be calling you lazy or a bitch.

I am currently feeling very wiped out by various things and getting over some back problems. DH is doing the majority of the housework - no kids yet as we are TTC - including cooking, washing up, laundry and hoovering. I keep thanking him. He shrugs and says I'm his wife and he likes taking care of me.

Am also v concerned about him saying it's his house and you can't decorate - you live there with your child!

Please LTB. He sounds horrible.

PostBellumBugsy · 04/01/2013 12:41

How about you make a list of all the things you do & then write in big capital letters on the bottom - DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME A LAZY BITCH AGAIN.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 12:45

How about sending the divorce papers and putting 'DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME A LAZY BITCH AGAIN' on the envelope... ?

ImperialBlether · 04/01/2013 12:58

I am really shocked, OP. I just couldn't stay in a relationship where I was being called names, particularly on a daily basis. I just couldn't.

The thing is, for him, that he feels it's his house and that you are lodging in it. Therefore he sees that you are the one making the mess as I'm sure before he was married with a child the house wasn't a mess. Most people's aren't, because they're out at work all day, out for a drink in the evenings then home to bed. There's not really much chance to make it messy.

He doesn't feel you are a family, OP. You are the interloper in his mind. He wants his home back to how it was before you all arrived and he won't make any effort to do anything about it.

I wouldn't put up with it and I would leave. If he once, just once, called me a lazy bitch I wouldn't forget it. If he said it repeatedly then I would go. You can't make someone respect you. You can't make them be a decent person. You wait for them to reveal themselves and if they show they are nasty then you go.

I wouldn't normally say this, but I would take that fucker for everything you can.

ImperialBlether · 04/01/2013 12:59

Oh and don't worry about him having 50-50 care. Tell him he can have his radio in part exchange. The fucker. I really don't like him!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2013 13:08

Yes - you need a kick up the backside that's for sure.

HIS

I don't even know where to start there are so many issues. Bottom line is that I would LTB and be happy with your DS.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2013 13:09

You aren't actually married are you?

Original poster
Tethering · 04/01/2013 13:16

Thanks everyone. I'm a bit Shock tbh and a bit tearful. I guess it's possible to see situations more clearly from the outside.
I'm not sure I'll update about this because I don't see him changing . . . the only change can be my response to it and whether or not I'm in this relationship, and that's what I'm going to work on.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 04/01/2013 13:27

Calling you a bitch even once is unacceptable.

I'm so sad for you that you have spent even one second considering whether he might be right about the "lazy" part, considering how little he does and how much you do. And his entitlement re: himself as decision-maker, and you as shitwork-operator is just Shock

This man is controlling, nasty, entitled, verbally and financially abusive.

You deserve better.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 04/01/2013 13:29

the only change can be my response to it and whether or not I'm in this relationship, and that's what I'm going to work on.

You are extremely perceptive and wise if you're able to see this. I'm so glad to have read this, and with that amount of perceptiveness I think you will do fine. You can be proud of yourself.

ouryve · 04/01/2013 13:32

Even if you were sat on your arse all day doing absolutely nothing, he has no business talking to you like that. It doesn't matter whether you are lazy or not - calling you a "lazy bitch" is not on and is downright disrespectful.

NaturalBaby · 04/01/2013 13:34

Name calling is pathetic and childish. Calling you names is not going to help anyone or achieve anything. Tell him if he has a problem with the housework then you can have a discussion about the facts - i.e the lounge needs tidying, the laundry needs doing. If he feels like he's doing more than his fair share then discuss the facts i.e who's done what jobs that day.

Personally, in our house neither of us sit down to do our own thing until the house is tidy, the kids are happy and quiet and busy, dishes have been tidied/washed after a meal.
My DH comes in from work and doesn't get to sit down to do his own thing till the kids are all in bed (all under 5) and the dishes are done.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 13:39

"Name calling is pathetic and childish"

Name-calling is Domestic Abuse.

NaturalBaby · 04/01/2013 13:50

Hmm I call DH a grumpy *%^&$ when I'm really exasperated, is that really domestic abuse?!

HecatePropolos · 04/01/2013 13:54

He's an arse.

He wants to split the jobs into him being the decision maker and you carrying them out?

If it wasn't so revolting that would actually make me laugh my arse off.

Who does he think he is?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 13:56

In the OP's context, being repeatedly called 'a lazy bitch' is certainly Domestic Abuse. It is the tip of the iceberg.