Where does the love go?

[debtherat]

20 years of marriage, two DS and a Xmas revelation! My OH behaved badly at Xmas and NY - shouting at them, snapping at me and constantly wanting to be away from us; also like an addict with his mobile.

Anyway told me that he has met and developed a relationship over the past few months with work colleague - just strong emotional and spiritual not physical but they are/were both sexually interested. She called a stop to it because he is married with kids (so he says) - she has left his workplace but he still has number .. not sure about level of contact.

Says he would have left if she had not ended it (for reasons above).

He wants to take stock and consider options and nurse his lost love (seems genuinely upset). Options might be trial separation (being a single man again), living together separately and maybe working on relationship with me. He is very keen to minimise impact on DS.

I haven't slept properly for 3 nights, feel (emotionally) sick and weepy.

Feel like I am waiting for a) a change of heart from OW, b) OH to decide how to move forward...feels like I have no option but to wait and see - uncertainty is making me sick.

Anyone been here? What did you do? What was the outcome?

Will you really be any more lonely in a house on your own or staying in a house with this man? Wondering every time he goes out if he is going to meet another special, spiritual connection or two or three?

You can develop new friendships, new hobbies or some old interests you can re kindle?

Single parenthood is surely, surely to be preferred over being this man's unloved housekeeper, washing his pants so he can go leave them on someone else's floor? Waiting on tenterhooks for the next time he meets "the love of his life" and leaves you?

He no longer loves you. I'm sorry, but he checked out of this relationship months ago, and has no interest in checking back in; the world of single bloke sex is way too inviting.

For the lowdown on the lonely world of 'single bloke sex' see my response of Sun 06-Jan-13 07:44:11

Your h is so going to enjoy his new life as a single twat bloke not

Whichever way you tell your story the ending as you put it is not going to be what you hoped for. This man is not the man you married and without a cold hard shock is unlikely to ever change.

From what you've said it does not sound like he is the type to see outside if his own head or look to improve his behaviour.

Lots of people have said the same thing. Here it is again. Being on your own is not awful like you are making out. What would be awful and a complete waste of life would be to squander the rest of your relative youth and your precious years of raising a family on this selfish faithless lying twunt. Doing it alone would be preferable to having your self confidence trashed and your spirit broken by someone who sees you as second rate.

Your strategy when I look back at this thread seems to be to hold on and wait for him to accept you as a consolation prize when he realises that he can't get anything better. You don't seem to object to settling for a man who has freely admitted to keeping a roving eye out for his 'true' love. You have treated this like a phase and not like him taking a wrecking ball to everything your relationship was founded on. Seriously. Why?

I can't promise that you won't feel lonely, but the feeling won't last. You will be fine.

How old are the children? My 14 year old has become a very willing babysitter. I don't go out loads of course, but if I want to go out in the week, I can do.

You need to get some space from him now. I can understand the initial willingness to forget about it all, put it all behind him, allow him to stay and carry on as before. But it isn't as before, or rather it will be as before, you just didn't know what "before" really was.

The less time you spend around him the more you will realise that you don't need him. Whilst he is still there there is a sense of 'normality'. He is taking the piss.

Are your children at school? Do you work? Could you go to college for interest or for work? Could you join a local daytime social group? Is there anything you'd always wanted to do but felt your H wouldn't support it?

This isn't what you wanted, it isn't what you planned for but this is your time now. Embrace it!

Read what Xales wrote again.

put it all behind you

Izzy and Xales: keep talking! I am listening!

For the lowdown on the lonely world of 'single bloke sex' see my response of Sun 06-Jan-13 07:44:11

Such a sweet image!!

Hi Deb, I'm new here... A lot of this - not all - sounds familiar to me, especially the 'neglectful' wife bollocks. I stood my ground and pointed out i had no choice but to prioritise the defenceless children as he was away/prioritising drinking and exercising. I was ready to end it and actually was quite looking forward to time alone, to complete the children's upbringing my way. It was the idea of 'the story ending with such bitterness and rejection' that turned him round. With such a back story he couldn't do it. It was two years of pain and confusion but I just kept my head down and steered a steady course of 'normal' life while he sorted himself out. As a result it seems i still have a DH, one I still find funny and exciting but who I can't confide in and don't rely on. Once DD3 hits 18 this year I will review the situation.

Don't know if this helps you... I guess I'm saying the dramatic 'lock him out' stuff is not the only way...

Oh well OP, let's hope the pair of you grow old together in love, trust, happiness and mutual support, eh? I wish you the best of luck.

I've just read your contribution on another thread, deb, and it's time to update your own.

So that'll be a 'no change' then, will it?

It changes from day to day... he is still looking v. sorry for himself - adding details to his diaries about the few times they spent together - a walk, a drink, a curry... and massively protective of his phone.... also sites being closed down quickly when I enter the room. She has definitely called an end to it but she has him on a thread - he would jump if she called? Sitting next to him on sofa, he angles the phone away from me. I asked to see what he was looking at on the phone the other evening and he said nastily "none of your business" - he seems to feel I have violated his privacy by finding out more about the OW he told me about - as if I am not paranoid about this! Wonder if he is stalking her via her daughter's facebook page or someone else she is in regular contact with? Also, his work blackberry is completely off limits - just ridiculous - I KNOW HE TOLD ME, HE'S STAYED AND I NEED A PROPER RE-COMMITMENT!! He's off to Relate soon - on his own - doesn't want to do it together... doubt he will tell me what is happening. Just wish he could talk more about the whole thing ... although I think it would be about his feelings of rejection. I know we need to discuss how/if we will move forward... but children/work/ housework/life keeps getting in the way and he is so closed down. I have had an apology - by text... but that's it.

The wrecking ball analogy is so true. I'm not sure about being second rate - do feel we have aged differently. I have grown old gracefully - without benefits of hair dye, liposuction, etc. I'm middle aged,overweight - he has aged better - is it as simple as this and maybe he perceives this disparity and feels he could do better? Also bear in mind he spends lots of time through athletics etc around fine female specimens (relatively speaking) - in physical terms I am more of an East German swimmer!

He's still taking the piss and you're still letting him?

So, 'tis as I thought, no change.

Do you not realise this state of affairs will not undergo any alteration until you kick his sorry arse out?

As for violating his privacy, tell him he can have all the privacy he wants in his bedsit elsewhere, but you fully intend to discover everything you can about his lady love with a view to naming her in your petition to divorce.

Oh for FFS.

He doesn't love you. Never will again. Leave him. Give your children the chance to develop a proper of how relationships work, and don't let them grow up thinking this is what they can expect and should put up with. If you won't leave for you, do it for them.

Are you still sitting waiting like Cinderella for him to realise he loves you and put you first?

Never going to happen.

Your house is a convenient place for him to live until he finds somewhere he prefers to be and then it will be see ya deb without a backward glance.

He spends time adding details to his diaries about the few times they spent together

Is the ow's name Barbara Allen

OP there is hope. Because the GOOD thing about this is that at least you know how little he thinks of you, how far down his list of priorities you are, how far he is prepared to go in shagging anything that moves 'finding himself' and how it's all going to end for you.

You're lucky. If my exH hadn't been so good at lying through his teeth for so many, many years I'd have divorced him long ago. Instead I can't find a point at which I knew he was honest which rather makes a mockery of our 20 year marriage and the family we made.

So if you think you've got the stomach for it, keep it up. Let him cocklodge until he's found himself another shag.

Or do something else.

Hoping for a valentine .... But nothing , although thanks for his and my 2 ds loved theirs. Am I not worth it? Why is he here?
Seems interested in sex but won't talk - does his head in! He's been to relate but it's private. Says I should go and then decide if worth going together- my decision not his - feels like he's giving all work to me (bit like child care and housework). I want honesty, openness - he should be doing much more to reassure me. I am back on his case with iPhone (constant companion) tomorrow. Hope you all got lots of love today!

When are you going to face up to the fact that you're not going to get what you want from him while you allow him to stay under the same roof, deb?

Apart from using you as somewhere to park his dick now and again, he's checked out of your relationship and the time is long overdue for you to tell him to check out of your home.

If you do nothing else at least get yourself to a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and, if you have any reason to suppose that you are entitled to legal aid, make this a matter of urgency as the rules are changing at the end of March and you may find yourself stuffed if he decamps for the same or another ow which, on present form, would seem to be inevitable.

Best day of my life when I told XDH it wasn't his decision to make. He'd only met her three times but something in me suddenly felt empowered. I'd had 30 yrs of depression and breakdowns, He was away working for a couple of days and I found place to rent. I have taken control of everything, selling house, forming settlement etc etc. It really is the only way to go. Sounds like the only way things will change is if you do it. Please don't fear the unknown, it is fantastic!! I had tears and lonliness but slept like a log from the 1st day I left !!! Please be pro active Make choices that are good for you. Staying together at the moment doesn't sound like a good option for you now.find strength to seperate.

How are things now debtherat?

Still together ... Comfort of daily routines,trips out with DS but lack of emotional connection still v. hard. We are in such different places. He is remorseful but unable to talk and I am still very upset, intermittently v. angry with him and with OW (she has just fucked off and left me to pick up pieces -would love to give her a piece of my mind). He talks about our future together like what has happened has passed. Tried to get him thinking about things (relate book) but untouched. Was hoping for small gestures - Easter egg, some flowers but no. He is lavishing money on DS - premiership tickets, expensive days out but feel he is holding back from me & I hate, hate, hate his use of technology with a vengeance - it just robs us of communication during waking hours - I know I am here in cyberspace too but as usual sleep evades me. I have aged so much the past 4 months rapid weight loss and insufficient sleep and (horror) hair is thinning! Dawn chorus is starting - need to try and sleep, gather strength for return to school & work.

Oh dear

Why is he still under your roof??!

Deb, sorry to say it, but this situation is doing you no good at all and allows him to assume that should he repeat his actions, there will be no consequences for him.

It is a very male thing to draw a line / box things up and refuse to discuss further. That might be ok if he turned a load of white washing pink with an errant red sock, but not when he betrays you, your relationship and family by his behaviour. His refusal to discuss allows him to ignore the enormity of his actions. His defensive and injured reactions when you justifiably question show he is still more concerned for himself and has no concern for you. Tis all part of the script.

Are you having any counselling, either on your own or as a couple?

What you deserve is for him to commit to you, and which he blatantly is not doing. This does nothing to rebuild the trust, erodes your self-esteem and living with the stress is having its physical effect on you.

If he had shown genuine remorse, openness, gone tech free, allowed you free access to his texts / emails, was going to relate with you and had shown any shred of feeling for what he has put you through, then there might be hope that a new relationship could be built.

Can you tell I have walked this road, along with many others? The thought of life as a single parent was much scarier than the reality. The only difference is I don't spend my time investing in another person who does not invest in me.