Where does the love go?

[debtherat]

20 years of marriage, two DS and a Xmas revelation! My OH behaved badly at Xmas and NY - shouting at them, snapping at me and constantly wanting to be away from us; also like an addict with his mobile.

Anyway told me that he has met and developed a relationship over the past few months with work colleague - just strong emotional and spiritual not physical but they are/were both sexually interested. She called a stop to it because he is married with kids (so he says) - she has left his workplace but he still has number .. not sure about level of contact.

Says he would have left if she had not ended it (for reasons above).

He wants to take stock and consider options and nurse his lost love (seems genuinely upset). Options might be trial separation (being a single man again), living together separately and maybe working on relationship with me. He is very keen to minimise impact on DS.

I haven't slept properly for 3 nights, feel (emotionally) sick and weepy.

Feel like I am waiting for a) a change of heart from OW, b) OH to decide how to move forward...feels like I have no option but to wait and see - uncertainty is making me sick.

Anyone been here? What did you do? What was the outcome?

I understand why you're digging around for more facts deb. It's very normal behaviour when people are still in shock after finding out that their life has not been quite what it seemed.

It's odd that he's casting his net wide while still apparently hung up on this other woman, with whom the relationship sounds very much alive and kicking and contrary to what he has said, incidentally. Maybe he's told her that he has ended your marriage and it's back on again with her now, hence the tickets? I also presume that's who he was with last night?

What sometimes happens with affairs is that a person gets addicted to the whole enterprise of having new relationships. If she at some point backed off, then the dating sites might have been his way of keeping that buzz and thrill going.

Either way, it further reinforces that he needs to be doing this away from your home and your relationship, so please grab your courage and your dignity and put an end to this.

Deb from one who was as paralysed and in shock as you are and who made all the mistakes you made and 5 years later is still hurting over the disrespect, please do what I should have done and throw him OUT.

Protect yourself from his crazy. This isn't about you. It isn't about your marriage. It is about him running away from himself. PLEASE don't damage yourself by witnessing this. When he comes to his senses and says 'it didn't mean anything' you won't forget.

Get away from his devaluing crazy. The whole dating thing tells you it isn't OW either. Step away from his madness. Make him feel some losses.

I know you won't listen I didn't but I hope you do.

Deb if you witness this you won't forget I am warning you.

Save yourself. Surround yourself by people who are normal. My H tries to talk to me about his depression and his giving up on himself? All that I have burned in my heart is his passion for OW the ultimate AD and his contempt for me. He has forgotten all that, I will never forget. Kick him out and do not have anything to do with him, please listen.

The other thing: we are sent things to learn. Now is the time for you to learn that you ARE more than a wife, and you CAN live on your own, and you WILL NOT die. All things learned the hard way - embrace this lesson. The more you cling, the more you freeze in disbelief, the more you will be hurt.

Do what he doesn't expect: throw him out. He needs saving too from his distorted thinking not just you. You can't miss what you take for granted.

Deb: my paralysis and disbelief enabled two years of his addiction to OW. Don't make the same mistake I did.

Chuck him out ASAP . Also should have and didn't - although I did move rooms and stop speaking to him.

Look what is happening here - he plans to stay, save on maintenance , have all his domestic needs met, whilst treating you and the kids as though you are nothing .

Then if OW wants him at any time he will run after her and drop you like a hot brick, kids too. It is imperative that you get your self respect back , by showing him the door. Every single infidelity book on the market makes this clear, let alone all of our combined experience .

Other posters are quite right

Abitwobbly, when did you throw your husband out?

I didn't Dig. I refused to believe the love of my life blah blah, I believed him when he told me he was depressed and working hard, I swallowed the red herring that I was the evil one, and I begged and pleaded.

Hence the urgent warnings (Warning: stupidity causes deep pain). My clinging and lack of protectiveness caused me a lot of suffering that can't really be forgotten. It hurts so bad so see the person who is supposed to be trusted and loving, mooning over someone else.

Back to work and school routine has pushed everything underground a bit. .. but last night .. I was sleeping downstairs as I don't want to disturb anyone else (and not sleeping with DH BTW) .. he came downstairs at 2ish and woke me up and basically just f**ked me. I was a bit out of it - obviously - only just managed to get to sleep. Afterwards - he didn't stay long - felt massively confused. No kind words - just demanding but I quite enjoyed it - any physical intrimacy is welcome given how fragile I feel. We haven't spoken about it .. but he seems less angry. What is going on?!!

Really? ... Rape made it all better?

Deb. I'm finding your posts increasingly upsetting and confusing.

Abitwobbly, you could heed your own advice and LTB now.

That is appalling behaviour on the part of your OH. I think you haven't yet realised quite what he has done to you.

That is rape and abuse Deb. Take care.

Dig - I am on a plan. . Never be in a position of dependency - well, that position takes time to resolve. (Especially when one poster said the sol cost over £300 for one consultancy ... you can't suck that kind of money out of your thumb you know)

OP, have you read your thread. Change the names around and imagine what you can see. This is a distressing story.

Abitwobbly, just because you say you are leaving, doesn't mean you are. Take good care as you are obviously devastated. Do you have realistic leaving options?

That's my feeling, it's all too confusing and non interactive.

Hi all,

Many thanks for all of the reports about this.

Can we please point you all over to our We Believe You - Rape Awareness campaign.

Can we also ask that folks please report to us rather than post their doubts about and OP on the thread. As far as we can see this OP is all above board and has been around for a while on MN.

Please do take a moment to remind your self of our Talk guidelines

Cog deleted?

Please don't see the fact he, effectively, sexually assaulted you in the middle of the night as any attempt on his part to regain or reinstitute the physical intimancy that is inherent in loving relationships, Deb, nor did he assert himself out of desire for you.

He merely used your body to evacuate the contents of his balls and, insodoing, he has reinforced his current belief that you are acquiescent to his irresistable will.

Sorry - I'm not taking the mick - just how things have panned out. Thanks to moderator. It is all confusing - nor sure what non inter active means? I am not a regular poster - just putting down how I have been feeling and what has happened because it calms me to write it (and I have felt v. agitated, had problems, sleeping - I have never posted so much and in the early hours).

MY OH is not violent... it wasn't rape... I could have stopped him. I thought it was reaching out for physical intimacy with me but may be not with me? He is quiet and withdrawn - like nothing has happened over the past week... but he has unsubscribed from No Strings Attached (made a point of telling me) and created passwords so I can't look at what was on our shared system. I want to talk to him but he has just gone to bed - I also don't want to talk to him because he is uncomfortable doing so... does not go anywhere for him? Men can be such emotional retards.

And some women (and men) can be exceptionally emotionally needy and refuse to believe what's before their eyes.

But you wouldn't fall into that category, would you?

Hi - I don't think I am needy - independent, professional job, quite intelligent. I don't have brilliant self esteem but most woment I know don't.

This has just all overwhelmed me to be honest and I am trying to rationalise what to do for the best.

An update on my life which is turning into a cliche.

I have reached a level of accommodation with DH. The OW has withdrawn - letting him down gently -don't think she was as keen -and he had a wobble when he said this).. he's not sure what he wants now. I want him to stay and work through the issues which caused this - mainly lack of communication he says and him being my third priority (after kids and myself). He says I have changed and all seems to go back to birth of 2nd son (v. traumatic birth - obstructed labour)...may be a part of myself did go then - I don't have that level of insight into myself. He also says I keep raising the issue of his EA and it doesn't go anywhere - I explained that I feel a need to talk/communicate and that this is quite normal - he gets quite nasty and I give him some back. He seems to come back to me and my faults which I think are fine to air/discuss/work on as a start...but feels that this approach is pushing him away. I suggested Relate but he said he wasn't convinced it was worth the effort for him... and that he has changed - wants something different but wants to stay and work things through... for himself... and then maybe us. Wondering about the chances of a positive outcome - feel another bad night's sleep coming on.

Do you have a kindle? If so download Shirly Glass 'just good friends' immediately.

If not order it.

If you are contemplating staying together at all then you need to read that book, as does he.

I will say again, thaat this is not about you or what you did or did not do, who you priorotised or any of that, it is about him and his choices.

Thanks - downloaded to my son's IPAD and have dipped imto it - but in a bit of an emotional blur at the time - need to read more systematically. I will suggest that he reads but 'm pretty sure he has never read a self-help book in his life.

I am truly hoping this is just a rough patch... other posters have said they have worked things though but majority are saying that their ex's behaviour becomes progressively nasty and distant which really worries me for me and more so for our two DS.

Look, this bloke's only staying put because the OW wouldn't have him.

He's prepared to do fuck all to repair your marriage, when he should be on his fucking knees begging forgiveness - not blaming you for why he was fooling around like a lovesick teenager. You might not see what he did to you as rape, but I do. The very best spin on that you could give is that he used you as a wanksock in the middle of the night.

You'd be bonkers to agree to this arrangement. Where the hell's your self respect? Is this all you think you're worth?

He must have no respect for you at all to think you'll want to stay with him after all he's done.

Seconds badinage.

Now we have a probable explanation as to why he found it necessary to sexually assault you a week ago.

The ow finally made it crystal clear he wasn't in with a chance and the poor diddum's wounded ego caused him to reinforce his masculinity by having his way with you.

Where's the contrition or the romance in that?

No contrition re me that I can see. He is justifying his behaviour as sort of payback for my neglect and distance. He is still wrapped up in his emotional loss and thinking about his future... but not able to see very clearly. Some of his attitude about this is surprisingly hard .. makes me doubt that I know him v. well at all. ..worried for his commitment to our 2 DS and other practical/financial commitments. Is this normal change for 45+ man? He even mentioned the house as being something he paid for (forgetting that I paid the deposit on this and our previous home and that my salary has paid for holidays, food, stuff for kids and house... can honestly say none has been spent on me - certainly not £600+ Xmas pressies he spent on his v. short lived romance with OW.