Where does the love go?

[debtherat]

20 years of marriage, two DS and a Xmas revelation! My OH behaved badly at Xmas and NY - shouting at them, snapping at me and constantly wanting to be away from us; also like an addict with his mobile.

Anyway told me that he has met and developed a relationship over the past few months with work colleague - just strong emotional and spiritual not physical but they are/were both sexually interested. She called a stop to it because he is married with kids (so he says) - she has left his workplace but he still has number .. not sure about level of contact.

Says he would have left if she had not ended it (for reasons above).

He wants to take stock and consider options and nurse his lost love (seems genuinely upset). Options might be trial separation (being a single man again), living together separately and maybe working on relationship with me. He is very keen to minimise impact on DS.

I haven't slept properly for 3 nights, feel (emotionally) sick and weepy.

Feel like I am waiting for a) a change of heart from OW, b) OH to decide how to move forward...feels like I have no option but to wait and see - uncertainty is making me sick.

Anyone been here? What did you do? What was the outcome?

[izzyizin]

I want him over the OW and thinking clearly

That isn't going to happen, deb.

What you are experiencing is the 'hysterical' need to sexually bond with him after, in your mind, so nearly losing him to an ow but, as evidenced by the lack of meaningful dialogue between you as a couple, he feels no such need and is merely taking advantage of your resurgence of sexual desire for him.

What is happening to him is that his wounded ego is causing him to turn to you for sexual healing, but within a short time he will crave the sense of revitalisation and rejuvenation, the sense of 'wholeness', that he found in the ow and he will seek to replace her with another ow.

If you wish to be in with a fighting chance of saving your marriage and having him restored to the faithful man he was before his affair, real or imagined, with the ow, you will tell him to leave so that you can regain control of yourself and use your logic to question whether you are prepared to compromise your personal integrity in order to stay married to him.

When he is out in the cold he will begin to appreciate the warmth he had with you in the marital home. Before you can give any consideration to taking him back, he has to see his marriage to you as being infinitely more desirable than any ow and he has to understand that his ego, in the form of an ill-considered desire to re-live his lost youth, has caused him to throw away all he holds dear.

In short, he has to want nothing more than to grow old with you before you can give any consideration to allowing him this privilege.

But, by the time he reaches this conclusion, your logical and practical talents may have enabled you to make life without him preferable to life with him.

[MerryCouthyMows]

Well take some control.

If one of your friends told you that her husband had had an affair, what would you be telling her?

If she told you that he blamed her for the affair, what would you be telling her?

If she told you that he had sex with her while she was basically asleep and unable to consent, what would you say to her? (I class this as rape too btw).

If she told you that he had said he was actively seeking other women, and she had found evidence if this in dating site profiles and messages, what would you say to her?

If she told you that her husband was mooning over the OW instead of trying to fall over himself seeking her forgiveness, what would you say to her?

If she told you that he was saying things like he had paid for the house etc, what would you tell her?

If she told you that he wanted to be put first, above his DC's, above anything else, and have his wishes met all the time (sexual, domestic and free time), ignoring everybody else's needs, what would you say to her?

If she told you that both her DC's were behaving unusually, being more cuddly and tearful, because they were picking up on the atmosphere, what would you say to her?

Seriously, do you want to live the next however many years of your life waiting for him to chest again, trying to not make any domestic demands on him, putting yourself aside to fulfil his every whim, allowing him to have as much free hobby time as he wants while you get none, standing by whole he has affair after affair, shag after shag and then puts you at risk of STI's by having sex ON you while you are not even awake enough to consent?

Do you want to be continuously wondering what he is doing so secretly on the computer now that he has set up passwords - NOT the actions of somebody who is going to be faithful and trying to seek forgiveness?

Do you want to turn yourself inside out, and crush whatever self respect you have left by letting him treat you like this?

And as this will be your DS's role model of how to conduct a relationship, do you want your DS's to grow up thinking that it is ok to cheat on your partner, ok to expect them to do all the shitwork while they go and do hobbies and screw around?

This is NOT a good environment for you OR your DS's.

The ONLY person this is currently suiting is your husband.

Why do you feel you don't deserve better than this? Because you DO. Everybody deserves better than a cheating, lying scumbag as a partner, who is refusing to stay faithful, is open about the fact that they are looking to cheat again, and as well as being unrepentant, is even trying to blame their partner.

You DO deserve better than that.

[izzyizin]

Bravo, Merry

[madgered]

hear, hear! Well said.

[Springdiva]

I'm out too.

[Xales]

He's in love/infatuated with the OW. he is not necessarily going to get over that for years.

He hasn't even told you he wants to be with you. He thinks so little he would have and still would be off after her, dumping you without a second thought if she said yes.

Google hysterical bonding. You think him having sex with you shows he cares? It doesn't it shows he is using you for sex and you are desperately thinking sex really equals love/affection.

He spent all day in front of you and your DC feeling sorry for himself without a care as to how much that upsets you.

He has no interest in fixing your marriage. It exists as a convenience for him to have freshly washed pants.

When will you fight for yourself?

[debtherat]

Had a shit day. He looked this morning so sad I gave him a hug - told him it would all be OK one way or another. He was apologetic saying he wanted to keep my friendship and then, after some more comforting from me, he simply reiterated that he wants to move out to signal to the reluctant(?) OW that he has definitely left the neglectful wife (not his words)... hopefully get her, otherwise take his chances - be available for other potential true loves.,... having wasted 25 years with me obviously. He said he will do his best to spend as much time with kids and stay local- I asked him had he thought about choices he might have to make what with the all the plans he has to take her to Prague, cosy evenings in, going to concerts or all the ttime he will need to spend internet dating - might be a clash with other DS activities? Shit, he might have to reduce his exercise from 15 hours a week. If the neglects them, I will make his life a misery.

I told him to get on his bike, estate agents are open on Sunday, not to put anything on facebook until I have spoken to my family (my parents will be devastated and worried for me and DSs). Manically de-clurred loft, took old clothes to charity collection. I got back and he was watching the f**King football. I asked why he was still here and he just looked hurt. I took one of sons swimming - got back - he'd been exercising and started watching Man Utd.. with older son. Kids went out to play in snow - I was hoping he might play with them but sport not finished so not a priority! He then emptied bins quickly (his weekly chore) and has now gone for sports massage.

For a man with so much definite intent about exiting this marriage he seems remarkably inert!

[debtherat]

"If she told you that he wanted to be put first, above his DC's, above anything else, and have his wishes met all the time (sexual, domestic and free time), ignoring everybody else's needs, what would you say to her?"

It all boils down to this doesn't it? I know we are all selfish but this is bare faced entitlement and because I haven't met his sexual needs in the small wiindow of opportunity he allows I am cast aside for someone who seems more responsive

[wewereherefirst]

No Deb, you're being taken for a mug. A place of convenience for when someone else comes along.


Kick him the fuck out now. Before he causes you and your children more harm than he already has.


Listen to every person on this thread.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

deb - when are you going to listen to our advice? He is taking the PISS out of you. Stop pandering to this man and his whims FFS!

bangs head on wall and exit thread

[Skyebluesapphire]

I agree. Pack his bags NOW and kick him out. He will stay there using you until he wants to go. Make the decision for him, he has treated you like dirt.

[wiseoldowl]

looked this morning so sad I gave him a hug

WTF Deb - tell him to get the hell out of your life and stop taking the F*ing Piss.

[izzyizin]

FFS. You're comforting him?

Every time you see him ask 'Why are you still here?'. Every time he comes home, register surprise and say 'What the fuck are you doing here?'

If you're still sharing a bedroom with him, sling pack all his belongings into black bags, pile them by the front door, and tell him he's sleeping on the sofa until he gets his act together and fucks off to his wonderful new and exceptionally lonely life.

[debtherat]

Feels like he is in denial. Trying to keep a lid on my anger - kids are around - but comments come out - are you still here? found any good dating sites? I emailed him as dispassionately as I could during the day explaining hard for me to be in the same room as him... but he hasn't responded... not even an acknowledgement - this from someone who cares for me still deeply. He has said he might go to relate but on his own - to work through his own issues - not sure what will happen here and he has said that at the weekend he will look for somewhere else to live... watch this space. I keep thinking that in his last few evenings with kids in family home he might like to engage with them a bit more - sitting in from of TV drinking stella, watching sport and the listening to music on his Iphone (music from the concert he never got to go to probably). He said the tickets were a gift to OW and her 20 yr old daughter.. he is such a kind and giving person.

[tallwivglasses]

Oh god deb, get him the hell out PLEASE - for your own sanity and self worth. Bloody hell, he thinks he's God's gift, doesn't he

[izzyizin]

Aw bless his stinky little cotton socks. What an exceptionally generous soul he is and what, may I ask, has he gifted his dc with of late by way of tickets to their favourite activities/events?

Tell him that, as you can no longer countenance looking at his impression of a lovelorn swain ugly mug, he can check into a Travelodge or other budget hotel until such time as he can get his arse in gear and sort out alternative accomodation for himself.

Think of it this way: in booting him out encouraging him to find himself in a sparse hotel room free from the hubbub of the marital home he'll have a head start on his proposed Relate sessions as he'll have fuck all else to do except relate to himself.

May we take it that you are no longer catering and laundering to his highness's needs in any way? If not, stop now - he might as well get in training for his new self-catering life.

Apropos of nowt much, I wish I had £1 for every time I've mistyped 'martial' for 'marital'

[debtherat]

Not catering to needs no. Suggested travel lodge but no movement there (maybe lack of funds - £600 of Xmas pressies for OW and £20k redundancy all spent). He has said he will START looking this weekend. I hope he is preparing an honest script for the kids... wondering how honest it should be - not the mummy and daddy don't love each other anymore but daddy doesn't love mummy and feel loved by mummy and wants to live away from mummy so he can see new female friends. How much honesty can children take or do they need? Should I pretend it's mutual and hide my upset/not show emotions - doesn't that just push so much underground and cause confusion?? breed emotional secrecy. I've got an appointment on my own with Relate - wish it could be earlier - and cheaper! Hope he is doing the same because I think he is hurting too for different reasons. Suggested a friend of his but he said no because "he is such a family man???!!"

[tallwivglasses]

Stop engaging, trying to understand - it'll exhaust you. Tell the kids you're very sad. Why pretend? They'll see through it. You won't be protecting them, just him. And why would you want to do that?

[izzyizin]

Tell him he can STOP living in the marital home as of this weekend otherwise it will effectively become martial a warzone which will not be of any benefit to the dc who have, no doubt, already picked up on the tension between their dps.

How old are your dc? Are they young enough for you to access more affordable/free counselling through a Sure Start centre?

[debtherat]

They are 8 and 12 - not good ages at all I suspect as they love their dad (I think) and can understand much more than if they were younger. I think their schools have something to help with family issues/emotional issues.

[Concentrateonthegood]

So sorry for you, OP. one of the most painful things I witnessed was the love of my life mourning the loss of his lover when he came back to me. I set him free as I couldn't bear it. Hope you are ok. Agree with izzy, let him go and take control over your future x

[postmanpatscat]

Many high schools have v good counselling services...as for the youngest, tell the class teacher when you feel ready and you will find they will do anything they can to help.

[Abitwobblynow]

"And some women (and men) can be exceptionally emotionally needy and refuse to believe what's before their eyes.

But you wouldn't fall into that category, would you?"

That's me, 2007 - 2010 ...

Deb you are in utter numb paralysed shock (remember it well). I am sure you will start seeing that he was always selfish, and you were the one to make allowances.

Good luck, I am not going to tell you what to do, you will do what you are able to.

How are things now?

[debtherat]

Oh God - just had call from his GP saying the results of his blood test are back but they don't have a number for him - why did they call me/his home number? did he ask to be contacted on his mobile number (forgetting they had an old one)? Apparently he has an infection and needs to pick up a prescription - please God don't let it be what the worst cliche could make it be!! I texted him to pass on message asking if I needed a test too. He ignored the question. The surgery won't tell me what is wrong but will let me collect the prescription so I'm off!

[izzyizin]

Go gal! Get that 'script and we'll work out what type of infection he's got.