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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm so lost/confused i really need some help :(

58 replies

charlieexox · 03/01/2013 21:18

So much is going on i don't know where to begin...

I'm 18 and have a nearly 4 month old and have an up/down relationship with my 21 fiance. My fiance started changing in the start of my pregnancy and it's progressively getting worse. He constantly made me feel rubbish and would watch porn in front of me, leave his porno mags out and left me to pay for everything alone. I was working as a waitress getting around £400 a month and he's an electrician on nearly £2,000... but me being stupid stuck around. When my precious boy was born Daddy was great.. whilst i was in hospital. But refused to do night feeds as he had to work. After a few weeks i decided i wanted to leave but he said to me if i wanted to leave him i had to leave my baby behind. Scared i stayed. Now it's worse than ever. He stays up between 2-7am playing xbox and watching porn waking me up when he comes to bed (i am a very light sleeper) my lo has numerous minor health issues so i'm still up with him. I can't leave my boy with him for more than an hour as Daddy will play with him for 10 minutes then stick him in a bouncer and play games on his phone. He does nothing for my baby apart from occasionally doing his bottles. He plays with lo for around 5-10 mins daily then leaves it to me. And if i don't have sex with him he gets really moody and whenever we go to bed it's so creepy he's all over me trying to have sex with him. He's occasionally started whilst i've tried to sleep. I haven't slept properly in weeks. My lo was waking up every hour and Daddy was getting grumpy so i 'slept' downstairs. He never once took over and has never said thank you. I'm just at a lost. I want to leave but i'm scared. I love him but he treats me and my son so badly and my son doesn't deserve it. I'm petrified of him taking him away on weekends as i know my baby will be neglected, but i know he will fight for this. I'm so scared/ confused/ lost and upset. I've pretty much cried all day. I really need some advice!

OP posts:

Sunnywithshowers · 03/01/2013 21:24

Hello lovely
I don't have any specific advice, but wanted to give you a big hug.
I'm sure someone will come along soon with some good advice, hang in there xxx

buildingmycorestrength · 03/01/2013 21:27

You will get great advice here.

Sounds like you are having a terrible time.

You are allowed to leave. Do you have family nearby?

If you have nowhere to go call Women's Aid and talk things through with them.

Others will have more to add, I'm sure.

Original poster

charlieexox · 03/01/2013 21:30

@Sunnywithshowers thank you for your kindness, it truly means a lot xx
@buildingmycorestrength i do my closest is my mum who lives 2 hours away but is on holiday at this minute, she wants me to move back and has even found a place for me to go. But if it gets to much i will give that a go, thank you

OP posts:

flatbellyfella · 03/01/2013 21:33

This immature individual has a lot of growing up to do. Can you not go home to your parents for support, at this traumatic time?

HappyNewHissy · 03/01/2013 21:39

Darling, it already is too much!

He's abusive, a porn fiend, has tried having sex with you when your asleep.

You don't have to agree to contact, get to your mum's, chill out a bit and then work out what you want and need to do.

You can get help, try the CAB for starters.

Original poster

charlieexox · 03/01/2013 21:39

I can go home but my parents run a bnb so i feel so guilty as i doubt guests will put up with a baby. They are away at the moment and are back next Wednesday.

OP posts:

ErikNorseman · 03/01/2013 21:43

What on earth can you possibly love about this disgusting, lazy, abusing dickhead? Seriously, what? I think you just believe you love him because you are used to him or something. I bet if you really think you will discover that you don't love him at all.

Original poster

charlieexox · 03/01/2013 21:49

@ErikNorseman I don't know, i truly don't know. I've asked myself that for days. All i can say is that he gave me a lo who is truly amazing and makes every day so amazing. I think i tell myself that so i'll stay, i'm truly petrified of him taking my wonderful boy. He's my world and the thought of him being treated like how he is whilst i'm not there kills me. But when my 'oh' is nice, he's really nice and i stupidly think he's changed. Those nice days are getting less. I'm silly i know but i just want my boy to be safe and loved.

OP posts:

NotSpartacus · 03/01/2013 21:52

This sounds a very lonely situation.
I think you should go to your parents when you can. Get some space to work out what you want to do next. You and your baby deserve to be somewhere happy. If your mum wants to help, let her.

LapsedPacifist · 03/01/2013 21:54

He can't take your baby away from you. The law will not allow this to happen. You will not be forced to leave a tiny 4 month old baby with him overnight either.

Sunnywithshowers · 03/01/2013 21:56

What Pacifist said.

Your mum sounds lovely and the fact that she's found somewhere for you to stay is great news. You and your LO don't have to put up with this man. xxx

garlicbaubles · 03/01/2013 22:00

He sounds horrible. You deserve to get along with your life normally, and so does your baby growing up.

i wanted to leave but he said to me if i wanted to leave him i had to leave my baby behind

They all say this. It's a lie.

Whose name is on the lease or deeds of your home?

izzyizin · 03/01/2013 22:00

Your boy is NOT going to have the childhood he deserves if you stay with his father.

Make plans to move back with your dps as soon as they return. It's highly unlikely that your ds will disturb guests in a B&B and it's more probable that he'll be spoilt to pieces become a great favourite of regulars.

HappyNewHissy · 03/01/2013 22:03

Your baby needs you, the stress of this situation will already be affecting him.

Go to you mum's, then get somewhere else. WA can advise you, CAB can advise you on benefits, help and support.

Original poster

charlieexox · 03/01/2013 22:08

I never thought about that but you're truly right. My boy won't have the childhood he deserves he'll probably be as i am, waiting for the next thing to happen. You have made things so clear my and my boy need to escape. Might see about getting my brother to get us early or should i tell him to leave until i am ready to go? We are both on the lease.

OP posts:

TisILeclerc · 03/01/2013 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotSpartacus · 03/01/2013 22:13

If you tell him to go will he comply?
If not, I would be inclined to just go (when you are ready).

Allergictoironing · 03/01/2013 22:15

If you can't leave him for yourself (though goodness knows he's treating you badly enough) then leave him for the sake of your baby. This "fiance" can't be trusted to care for the baby for more than 5 minutes, he's addicted to porn, he's abusive to you - someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I think forcing sex when the other doesn't want it classes as rape even in a marriage? You admit that the only reason you are still there is that you are scared because of his manipulative threats. He doesn't even pay his share despite being on a very good wage. Is this really a person you want to have around to teach your son how to behave?

Your baby is not a toy that can be passed from one person to another, or put down when you get bored, but this seems to be how this so-called fiance is treating him!

EleanorCuntBucket · 03/01/2013 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

charlieexox · 03/01/2013 22:17

@TisILeclerc I just wanted to say well done for leaving, you should be proud you stood up for yourself. It's so refreshing to hear you don't have to agree to overnights yet, it's going to take a long time for me to trust him. @Spartacus no he won't, tried that before but no harm in trying!

OP posts:

Allergictoironing · 03/01/2013 22:18

Ah x-posted, I see you have decided to leave .

You may need to do something about getting your name off the lease of where you are living, as I can just see your fiance defaulting on the rent & leaving you liable to pay it!

Original poster

charlieexox · 03/01/2013 22:29

He owes my Mums around £1000 so if he wants to play nasty as i'm sure he will do he'll probably need to deal with that first! Our lease is up in March so fingers crossed by the time he tries to do that it will be too late.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2013 22:37

Please call your brother and also tell your parents what's happening. They will be heartbroken to think you're there, enduring abuse, frightened and alone, and didn't want to bother them. You're only a kid yourself and you're in a horrible situation. Get your stuff together, get out and don't look back. You need nothing he's offering and neither does your baby.

Original poster

charlieexox · 03/01/2013 22:48

My brother has been contacted but think he's asleep :( Will get up early and ring grandparents so we can wait there, just praying he has nothing planned!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2013 22:52

Who has nothing planned? Your brother? If he's anything like my brother he'd cancel anything to help me out. The arse you're living with might not care if you're alive or dead but I'm sure your family think you're special

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