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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm so lost/confused i really need some help :(

58 replies

charlieexox · 03/01/2013 21:18

So much is going on i don't know where to begin...

I'm 18 and have a nearly 4 month old and have an up/down relationship with my 21 fiance. My fiance started changing in the start of my pregnancy and it's progressively getting worse. He constantly made me feel rubbish and would watch porn in front of me, leave his porno mags out and left me to pay for everything alone. I was working as a waitress getting around £400 a month and he's an electrician on nearly £2,000... but me being stupid stuck around. When my precious boy was born Daddy was great.. whilst i was in hospital. But refused to do night feeds as he had to work. After a few weeks i decided i wanted to leave but he said to me if i wanted to leave him i had to leave my baby behind. Scared i stayed. Now it's worse than ever. He stays up between 2-7am playing xbox and watching porn waking me up when he comes to bed (i am a very light sleeper) my lo has numerous minor health issues so i'm still up with him. I can't leave my boy with him for more than an hour as Daddy will play with him for 10 minutes then stick him in a bouncer and play games on his phone. He does nothing for my baby apart from occasionally doing his bottles. He plays with lo for around 5-10 mins daily then leaves it to me. And if i don't have sex with him he gets really moody and whenever we go to bed it's so creepy he's all over me trying to have sex with him. He's occasionally started whilst i've tried to sleep. I haven't slept properly in weeks. My lo was waking up every hour and Daddy was getting grumpy so i 'slept' downstairs. He never once took over and has never said thank you. I'm just at a lost. I want to leave but i'm scared. I love him but he treats me and my son so badly and my son doesn't deserve it. I'm petrified of him taking him away on weekends as i know my baby will be neglected, but i know he will fight for this. I'm so scared/ confused/ lost and upset. I've pretty much cried all day. I really need some advice!

OP posts:
CailinDana · 03/01/2013 22:54

This loser does not have automatic rights to your son. It is perfectly right for you to leave and make him fight for every second of contact time that he wants. If he won't look after him for an hour what makes you think he'll want overnight stays? I'll bet any amount of money that if and when you do leave he just won't bother to maintain contact, which, while sad, is a very good result for your son who doesn't need a shit like him in his life. Your partner is only threatening you because he knows you want to leave and that your son is your weak point. He is using your baby as a weapon to keep you under control - the threats are totally meaningless and will go absolutely nowhere, believe me.

If he does start bleating about visitation then let him know that you will have to be entirely honest with social services about what he was like as a partner/father. Having sex with you while you sleep is rape darling - make it very clear to him that you will have no problem telling the authorities that he is a rapist if he ever tries to threaten you or get access to your son. Strongly hint that you will bring charges against him for rape (even if you have no intention of doing so) - that'll make him change his mind pretty fast.

Don't choose this life for your son. He deserves better.

flatbellyfella · 04/01/2013 09:13

I hope you have gained confidence from the good advice other posters have given you. We are all concerned at your wellbeing. Best wishes.

Original poster
charlieexox · 04/01/2013 09:53

An update: I left our house at half 7 this morning as i was a scared all night. Izmir couldn't sleep, couldn't stop shaking and thought every car that went past was him and he was going to catch me. I'm currently at my grandparents but i'm so scared he's going to come here :( waiting for my brother to give a time i've never been so scared before :( He's due home in 10 mins so I'm expecting some abuse. I can't wait to be away though, thank you all for your concerns

OP posts:
Original poster
charlieexox · 04/01/2013 09:55

Opps sorry my phone is on T9 should read * i couldn't sleep

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 09:57

Glad you've got yourself away. If he threatens you in any way shape or form, call the police. It's important for your future and the future of your child that you start building up an official record with the authorities of your STBX as the unstable & abusive man he clearly is. Domestic Abuse and Violence are taken very seriously these days.

rysmum · 04/01/2013 10:10

Hi,
I know its very hard to do but you need to get out, contact the swindon woman refuge on 01793 536447.....tell them what is going on and the will do everything they can to get you and your children out of this horrible situation.

I know what your going through ive been there and the refuge are great...they will help with everything from sorting out benefits to arranging help with solicitors to protect you and your children from your so called "partner".

The refuge is open 24/7 for you to contact them and it is woman and children only!
I know its not what you wanted for you and your children but its 100 x better then how your living now.
It is safer there then with family because he will not be allowed near the place and a member of staff will be around with "quick dial" to the police etc.

Goodluck love and if/when you can get on line im here if you have any questions or help.

Be Strong, Be brave,Be safe and YOU CAN DO THIS x

Allergictoironing · 04/01/2013 10:38

When he tries to call you, don't answer. Don't respond to any texts either. Just don't engage with him in any way. If he does guess where you are and turn up at your grandparents place be prepared to call the police right away and do NOT let him in the house or even open the door to him for any reason.

If you are that scared of him, there has to be a good reason for it.

Original poster
charlieexox · 04/01/2013 10:46

The reason i'm scared as when i've tried to break up before i would never know how he would act. I've been with him pretty much since i was 15 and when i tried to break it off then he threatened to strangle himself with barbed wire. Then there was when he told me i couldn't leave, then numerous abusive texts. When he's upset he seems to fly off the handle hence why i"m scared. But i think ignoring him will be my best bet until he gets his head round things.

OP posts:
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 04/01/2013 10:56

Hi charlie, i'm so sorry your going through this. Its very very hard. I had my DD when i was 20, my Ex was physically and emotionally abusive. He would also watch porn loads even though he knew it made me feel bad, and would demand sex.

He told me if i left he would take my baby and move home. I was terrified.

We split up in June this year. I knew he would never let me leave, so had to wait until he had had enough.

Now that i am out the other side i have realised that there is no way he would have been able to take my baby away from me. Its a threat they use to scare you, but in effect they would not get full custody.

I understand your apprehension about leaving, but i can tell you it really is freeing not having to live in the same house as someone like that.

I really hope you do manage to get away from him and remember, all the horrible things he is doing is not a reflection of the person you are. You have not made him this way, and the way that he treats you is his fault not yours. It took me a long time to realise that it wasn't me that made my Ex hit me.

KatieScarlett2833 · 04/01/2013 10:58

You are a wonderful mum sweetheart x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 11:01

"when i tried to break it off then he threatened to strangle himself with barbed wire"

'If you leave me you are responsible for my death' is just another, sadly very common, form of abuse.

This is the time to fight aggression with intelligence i.e. don't get mad, get even. Ignore him now in so far as you don't personally respond to any texts, mail, phone-calls etc. But keep hold of anything like abusive texts and give them straight to the police. You don't want this man anywhere near your baby and physical evidence of abuse, threats and so on will be treated very seriously by the courts and Social Services.

Sunnywithshowers · 04/01/2013 11:10

Hello lovely

Well done for getting out, I hope your brother picks you up soon. Big hugs xxx

mammadiggingdeep · 04/01/2013 11:19

Well done :) your beautiful son is a lucky boy to have such a great mummy. You have put his needs and safety first. Good luck, keep safe xxx

ShamyFarrahCooper · 04/01/2013 11:19

Oh OP well done for leaving! Stop for 2 minutes and realise that you've just made the best decision for you and your son.

My ex when i fled sent messages/left voicemails that would swing from pleading and lovely to scarey and abusive. It DOES stop, you just have to stay strong.
The longer you are away, the clearer you will be able to think. Good luck, keep posting. I think you are marvellous! x

Original poster
charlieexox · 04/01/2013 11:39

Thank you for all the lovely messages they have made me feel so much better. Anything i can do about a surname? He kicked up such a fuss when i wanted mine i was so tired i gave in. Is it stuck for life?

OP posts:
dequoisagitil · 04/01/2013 11:45

Day-to-day you can use whatever name you like. You may possibly need his agreement to change surname officially. Don't worry too much about this right now.

You're doing brilliantly to have left. Keep strong and please be prepared to call in the police if he tries to harass you in any way.

Having sex with you against your will or while you're sleeping is rape. Keep safe.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 11:47

Your baby's surname? It depends on whether he has parental responsibility because, if he does, he has to agree to the change. But the details of what's involved are here

Allergictoironing · 04/01/2013 12:08

he threatened to strangle himself with barbed wire
Oh dear, how melodramatic and childish of him Grin. Not content with saying he'll kill himself, he's invented a really gruesome method that would be virtually impossible to carry out.

He does seem to be following The Script pretty closely, the only one I haven't seen is the sobbing pitifully one.

Original poster
charlieexox · 04/01/2013 16:41

I'm away now been an emotional day and heard nothing from him. Thank you all for your support, it has all been really appreciated

OP posts:
garlicbaubles · 04/01/2013 17:25

Oh, well done! What a day you've had. Please do rest as much as you can, and eat properly. I'm so glad you're safe.

Your ex sounds like a piece of work who follows the 'script' more or less - it's likely he'll try begging, being lovely, emotional blackmail and threats. Keep seeing him through our eyes as it'll help you stay strong and get the right support.

Wishing you a calm evening. xx

HappyNewHissy · 04/01/2013 18:48

Wrt the surname, your baby is 4m old, it might be worth checking if there is something that can be done. I have no idea, but there might be a cooling off period, or some kind of legal court led thing that can help.

Otherwise, just use the name you want, get lots of proof of it and it maybe that you can get passports etc in the preferred name.

My ds is 7, and although I registered him in accordance with his birth cert, he's always had a known as surname (mine). I've applied to the Junior school only giving his known as name. So far, so good.

rysmum · 05/01/2013 13:20

Hi charlieexox
hope your doing ok today, i hope some of the contact numbers i gave you helped.
you should be so proud of your self for getting you and your family out of that horrible situation
well done again.
x

goonyagoodthing · 05/01/2013 19:04

Well done charlie, you seem like a level headed young woman, and you have made a huge, sensible move and your and your babys life will improve. Wishing you the very best of luck

Sunnywithshowers · 05/01/2013 19:50

Good luck Charlie, I hope you've had a good day today xxx

Original poster
charlieexox · 06/01/2013 11:10

Thank you everyone finding it emotionally hard. I'm used to just putting up with everything and acting like it never happened. Just frustrating my emotions are all over the place but feeling better today. Haven't had any contact from him, not even to see how little one. But he had time to comment on some nightclubs post on Facebook! Little one is happy and laughing again and getting lots of fuss! xxx

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