I need to talk please, really low.

[sparklyjumper]

It's me from this thread

I've started a new one as I could really do with talking right now.

My plan to dump him didn't go to plan and instead it's him breaking up with me. Well first he wants space, then he wants to brak up as it will never work, then he wants a trial seperation to get some space for a few days. He says it's because I hate him, I'd be happier with someone else, I'm not nice to him but I know really it's because he doesn't love me but doesn't want to say it.

I'm devastated, I'm sat here literally sobbing I can barely see through the tears, my heads pounding I 've not eaten much today I actually feel like I want to die because it would be easier than feeling like this. I don't know why this is so painful, breakups in the past have never been but I love this man so much. I'd built up a future in my head for us he's the type of man I want to be with. But he doesn't. Yesterday he was saying he'd be back before the weekend because he couldn't bear to be away. When he's with me he's so loving how can he just be faking all of that. When he goes he's so cold.

I feel like stamping all over my phone so I don't have to hear it anymore. I really don't know how I'm going to get out of bed in the morning.

He's just attacking me telling me all of my faults, all the ways I annoy him

Just accept your relationship is over. You are upset because he is turning the tables ? No matter...the outcome is the same.

Move on. Let him think what he wants...he was always going to.

you were going to dump him. So he's saving faceand dumping you. If that's what makes him feel big and makes it easier for him let him think it. Try as best as you can not to take it under you notice.

And it's proof if you needed it you will be far better off without him.

Stop letting attack you! Turn your phone off!

Boy he is doing a number on you isn't he?

Please don't answer any more of his texts/calls/abuse.

Put your phone in a cupboard somewhere and forget it for now and focus on you.
He has you doubting yourself at every turn. You don't need this guy sweetie and if he hadn't twisted your head you'd see you don't even really want him. He isn't a nice person he is fucked in the head!
If you were all of the things he says why did he stay with you so long??
You don't love HIM, you love the person you thought he was. And that person doesn't exist. The person he is, is a nasty, manipulative arse hole.

So firstly put your phone somewhere where he can't abuse you and go and eat something, even if it's just a piece of toast. You have a DC and you need to be strong for them.

I'd built up a future in my head for us he's the type of man I want to be with

No he is not the type of man you want to be with. He's horrible to you.

Accept that the pain you feel is normal , but you are grieving for a relationship that was really based on hope.

I don't think he's trying to save face. He always does this when we've spent a lot of time together like after Christmas or after a holiday. That's why I got ratty the day he left because I was expecting it. He didn't know I was thinking of ending it but had already said he needed space which usually leads to he might want to break up.

Why am I like this I'm a blubbing mess. I'm due back at work on Monday and don't even know how I'm going to face that. What am I going to say to ds long term, he calls him by his first name but refers to him as 'my dad'. But he won't be keeping in touch with ds I'm sure. Even though he's been around since ds was a baby, that's the most soul destroying thing about being with someone who is not your childs father.

You are like this because he has behaved like an arse. Your son will get over this but by keep going back to this man you are not teaching him about healthy relationships.

Oh I really don't know what I think or feel. I know it probably seems so trivial to anyone who's been married 10 years with kids and a mortgage together.

I can't work out whether I truly love him, or am just scared of being alone. I think in a way I'm scared for the future. Scared I won't meet someone else and won't be able to enjoy being single. I know being single isn't a bad thing, and is what I need right now, but I'm so used to being part of a two. Also in a way and I think this is where my insecurities come in, I always felt he was too 'good' for me, I'm not talking in looks or personality, but status, family background, and this has almost just proved that.

He's basically told me I don't really love him I'm just scared to be alone and actually I hate him. He's tried so hard and tried to make me happy but it's not good enough and I take advantage of him because he's a wimp. He's said I knew he would go funny with me if we spent the week together all I had to do was be nice to him and let him do his own thing I knew what I was doing and now I'm playing the victim.

He came to stay with me Xmas eve and didn't go home until New Year apart from when we went to spend boxing day with his family and when we went over to his to take a bed apart which he'd asked me to give him a hand with, how am I supposed to read his mind? It's almost as though he wants me to tell him what to do yet that's the exact thing he's accusing me of doing. He never once mentioned anything I asked him everyday 'what are you doing today' and it was always 'oh nothing planned shall we do this or that'. He's got one friend who he plays pool with every other week I even asked are you meeting him and he said no he's busy with his family and son.

I know he does a lot for me he will pretty much do anything for anyone but he's hard work I have to constantly ask 'are you sure you're ok with that' as I'm scared he'll go in a mood about it afterwards. Like he won't go swimming because he thinks he's fat and everyone will be looking at him. I really would like him to come with ds and I and I try to reassure him that he's gorgeous, and anyway noone cares what anyone else looks like and to him that constitutes as me bullying him. Maybe that's what it is because we went to the splash pool. I swim on Sunday mornings and I've said to dp that we could all go as basically dp keeps saying he wants to lose weight. He won't go but he said we could in the Christmas holidays. Yet when we went to the hotel he was fine using the pool there.

He's so bloody confusing and frustrating. He doesn't seem to see fault in anything he does. Last year he didn't even bother to tell me his sister got engaged, I even asked him after I saw her ring Christmas day and he said 'no it's just a ring'. It wasn't until a few weeks later she told me herself and he said he didn't tell me as didn't want to upset me after the ring under the tree engagement that never happened. About two years ago we were planning a holiday for my birthday, he played up to it right up until about a month before even saying it's best we book a last minute deal. Then he admitted that he was going away with his parents and it had been booked for 5 months but was too scared to tell me. My consolation prize was that I could go with them. So I booked two weeks off work, bought new clothes and he dumped me about 3 days before we were due to go because we bickered about something and he said he didn't want all that on holiday and then told his family I couldn't go because I couldn't afford it.

I feel even more sick because we had sex the night before he left for work. I just knew he would do this. Everytime we spend a lot of time together or if we go on holiday or anything his answer is to end it because he's not happy. Ask him why though it's because I said this on such and such a day.

I said to him, are you going to do your usual thing of finishing with me when you get home? He said no way, how he'd had a great Xmas with us, even said he'd probably be back after work as he couldn't bear to wait until the weekend as he'd be missing me. He instigated sex and I said, don't do this if you're going to fall out with me. And he's done exactly that.

I know all of this is pointless really as it has the same outcome but it helps me to clear my mind writing it down.

Oh dear, he's really done a good job on you hasn't he.

First thing to consider is I always felt he was too 'good' for me, I'm not talking in looks or personality, but status, family background, and this has almost just proved that. Honey we live in the 21st century not the 19th, there is no such thing as being "too good" according to status or family background. He isn't "too good" for you, he's an evil manipulating shit and however much money he has won't change it one bit.

He's basically told me I don't really love him I'm just scared to be alone and actually I hate him. He's tried so hard and tried to make me happy but it's not good enough and I take advantage of him because he's a wimp. He's said I knew he would go funny with me if we spent the week together all I had to do was be nice to him and let him do his own thing I knew what I was doing and now I'm playing the victim. So he's telling you what YOU are thinking, and you believe him? this is part of what's called "gaslighting", basically trying to alter your perceptions of reality. You start out telling us how much you love him, so why are you believing that he knows better than you what's in your mind and that you really hate him?

Start looking at everything else in your posts in that light, and you will start to realise that he's seriously fucking with your head.

He does whatever HE feels like, then still manages to somehow turn it round into you being a bitch & trying to control him. He sees no fault in anything he does, expects you to be a mindreader, accuses you of bullying him whenever you suggest anything he doesn't feel like right at that moment.

And he blames YOU for everything!

OP it sounds exhausting.

Irrespective of who said/did what, the relationship isn't working. Free yourself of it and give yourself some peace of mind.

It will be painful at first but get much better after that, which has got to be better than going round in a vicious circle.

Your problem is insecurity. Because you don't value yourself highly you think that no-one else does or will. So you accept filthy treatment from this man, you tip-toe round him and you're anxious to please because a) someone like you doesn't deserve better, b) he's as good as you're ever going to get and c) you still believe that if you could just do/say/be the right thing, it will flip a switch and he'll be nice to you again. That's why you had sex with him and that isn't love, I'm afraid, that's desperation.

BUT... BIG BUT.....The reason you're insecure is because he's deliberately worked on making you that way. He knows you very well. He knows how to push your buttons. He knows your fears and anxieties. So it's not your fault - what they do is a form of brainwashing, like a snake hypnotising a bird before it kills it. Horribly common

So please stop crying. Every day you are away from this man's influence you will regain some of that lost confidence. Every week you are out of his control the hypnosis gets weaker. In six months you'll look back to today and wonder what the hell you were so worried about.

Good luck

Gaslighting is the name for what you're going through, honey. You don't stand a chance of anticipating what he wants because what he actually wants is to keep you guessing, and to have a ready-made excuse to wander off when he gets bored with playing happy families. You cannot win with a man like this because he keeps moving the goalposts. Meanwhile you're constantly trying to second-guess him. When you're with him you are anxiously seeking to keep him happy so he won't feck off again. When you're not with him you're waiting for the call, to see whether happy families is on again or whether it's going to be your fault you've split forever - again. All your thoughts revolve around him, and that's exactly how he likes it. A little time apart thinking about things that aren't this on-off lover will do you the world of good.

Feck, cross-posted with Allergic. Well at least I got the link in.

Cogito puts it excellently.

You really don't need this man in your life, or any man that makes you feel like this.

I know I am very insecure and I do think now's the time to seek some kind of talking therapy even if I have to ask a GP specifically.

He likes to remind me I'm insecure, but I think, it's no bloody wonder with all of the lies, finding you chatting to other women on dating sites, the constant breaking up, the empty promises that never deliver.

I know status sounds like a daft thing to say. But it's this whole thing that goes back to the whole upbringing I had, but it's how you view yourself and how you think others view you. My sister and I have discussed it in depth, she has similiar but about different things. Like she hates going in really nice shops and nice restaurants because she feels they know she doesn't belong in there. Even though she's an adult now with an entirely different life, it's being unable to escape.

I'm a bit different, but I get insecure about other things.

Thank you for all of the lovely posts. A lot of these posts really hit home and put into words how I'm feeling and what I think.

I'm feeling a bit better today, but I keep going from being ok to thinkng of something and getting really sad. And the nights are horrible.

I know, that I can look back from this one day and probably think I had a lucky escape. One decent piece of advice my dad gave me is however bad you feel, whatever's worrying you now, one day it won't be, it may be something else but it won't be this. But it's harder to see that now.

It's just such a crap start to a new year. We'd been getting on so well for months, talked about so many things, he was being so loving, doesn't seem to take much for it all to come tumbling back down.

Two things I will say that I think are important.

It is ok to be single, a relationship does not define you.

Love doesn't make you feel bad, if it does it isn't love.

Good luck Sparkly

The best way to increase your self-esteem and improve your security, besides talking and other therapies, is to be independent. When you are the #1 person in your own life, making all the decisions and taking all the responsibility, with no-one else challenging those decisions or making you doubt yourself by whispering 'you're useless' in your ear..... you'll be amazed at what you can achieve. To start with it's the small stuff that gives you a feeling of triumph. As time goes on and your confidence builds, you can end up doing practically anything.

I don't know your about your upbringing but this is 2013. Anyone belongs anywhere now. Maybe you need a personal mantra to keep repeating to yourself.... block out the negative thoughts put there by your STBX and others.... 'I'm as good as anyone else'.... 'I deserve the best treatment'.... 'I don't waste time with people who want to bring me down'

"keep going from being ok to thinkng of something and getting really sad"

That's normal and it's just something you have to go through short-term. When you have good days, make the most of them. Make plans, do something contructive, take two steps forward. When you have bad days look after yourself, take it easy and treat it as one step back. What you'll find, as time goes on, is that you will have far more good days than bad days.

Thanks you lot have given me some good advice, I've just got to accept that I'm likely to feel crap for a while and also to have no contact. He normally texts me after a few days asking if I'm ok, or saying he misses me and he wishes things could have been different, or he misses ds and asking how he is.

I think that there may have been warning signs that he was the wrong type of guy for me. Me and him have had an online/texting relationship for years, we met on a chatroom when we were both about 17 so over 10 years ago. We wern't on there for dating or anything but sparked up a friendship, we'd talk for hours about anything. I always found him quite rude but as I wasn't emotionally involved or even planning to meet I found it quite funny and almost endearing. Then he had this girlfriend who he was with for around a year and he'd often text me saying she was doing his head in or she was really annoying. We both split up from our exes at the same time and decided to meet about 6 months later. I asked him what had happened with his last girlfriend and he said she tried to control him, wouldn't let him do his own thing, he couldn't think for himself. She was using him for money (another thing he's accused me of). She was nasty to him. At the time I thought well that won't be a problem for us as I'm not like that. What did I know huh?

Sparkly, this is a brilliant start to 2013! You dad is right, and I bet by the time the weather gets better you'll look back and feel relived the drama is over

"At the time I thought well that won't be a problem for us as I'm not like that."

Lessons for the future there. Never date/chat a man with a girlfriend that 'doesn't understand me'.... they are rats. And always regard men who want to blame others for their inadequacies or bad-mouth people generally with suspcion. One day they'll be blaming you.