I need to talk please, really low.

[sparklyjumper]

It's me from this thread

I've started a new one as I could really do with talking right now.

My plan to dump him didn't go to plan and instead it's him breaking up with me. Well first he wants space, then he wants to brak up as it will never work, then he wants a trial seperation to get some space for a few days. He says it's because I hate him, I'd be happier with someone else, I'm not nice to him but I know really it's because he doesn't love me but doesn't want to say it.

I'm devastated, I'm sat here literally sobbing I can barely see through the tears, my heads pounding I 've not eaten much today I actually feel like I want to die because it would be easier than feeling like this. I don't know why this is so painful, breakups in the past have never been but I love this man so much. I'd built up a future in my head for us he's the type of man I want to be with. But he doesn't. Yesterday he was saying he'd be back before the weekend because he couldn't bear to be away. When he's with me he's so loving how can he just be faking all of that. When he goes he's so cold.

I feel like stamping all over my phone so I don't have to hear it anymore. I really don't know how I'm going to get out of bed in the morning.

She wasn't like that either, it turns out. It's all him.

In a few months time, if you stay away from this guy, you will feel a different person, happier & more self-assured.

so, sparkly, when he calls in a few days, you are going to go back to this headfucking weasel

Are you ?

I can honestly say I want a fresh start, to get to that place where I look back and think 'phew, glad that's over'. Not going to pretend it will be easy but that's my aim.

Dear sparklyjumper,

I used to go out with someone who could be your man's double. Some of the things you have described about the ring, the holiday, the promises happened to me, almost word for word.

I would get excited thinking things were going well, thinking he was committed, only to find the promises were empty. Things he promised never happened. Why? Because he would say I had said / done something that had ruined it all. I single-handedly would ruin every holiday, every Christmas, every birthday. He would promise me a lovely present but then never get it because I had managed to upset him in some way. He would start arguments about nothing and threaten to leave. Then afterwards say the argument was all my fault. One minute he was saying I was the love of his life, the next he hated me. I didn't know from one day or the next whether we would last the week let alone the year. Even when he did do something nice he would later tell me that he resented doing it!

Does any of this sound familiar?

Fact is, sparkly, you can never win with a guy like this. Whatever you say or do it will be wrong. You will walk on eggshells and still get it wrong. He is a control freak. He wants you to beg him so he can feel powerful. He wants to have you dangling on a thread as it makes him feel strong. Oh yes, sometimes he will make you feel cherished and loved...but can he sustain it? No. And what replaces it is cruelty and hard-heartedness, unreliability and back-handed threats. You will never know where you stand with a guy like this.

Please do not let this man ruin another year. Please stay away from him. You have given him every chance to change. He hasn't. He will never be able to meet your needs because he is fully occupied meeting his own.

You can do so much better than this man. Switch your phone off. In a few months from now you will feel worlds away from where you are now. You will get strong again, I promise you. You will find someone else who is not inconsistent, doesn't play mind games, says what they mean and means what they say and who keeps their promises. Someone who will make you feel secure and happy, not just fleetingly but for days / weeks / months at a time! Imagine that! How lovely would that be?!!

Oh how we always think people can change...and while we give them every opportunity they destroy us until we are on our knees!

Ignore your telephone. Focus on yourself and try to do something nice at the weekend. Have you got any friends you can spend time with?

Sending heartfelt hugs your way sparkly.

Thanks for sharing that mudcity did actually feel like a real hug. Not that I'm happy to hear anyone else has gone throught his shit, but also comforting to know I'm not the only one who has and that I'm actually not going mad.

The resenting doing nice things rings true too. Like he'll buy me an expensive gifts or pay for a night away then complain and throw back all the things he's ever bought/done in my face.

I've got a few things planned for the weekend to try to salvage something out of the holidays.

Bear in mind that the way he and Mudcity's ex behaved was specifically designed to keep you wrong footed, confused and even doubting yourself & your own sanity.

Not only are you not the only one, but there are so many out there that we can almost write The Script that they follow. there will be some differences - some don't physically abuse, some do it in a more passive/aggressive way etc - but in general they all follow the same pattern. Can't remember if anyone said this on your previous thread, but get hold of the Lundy Bancroft book & read it. If someone has written a book all about these behavior patterns that should tell you how common they are!

Good...I am glad you have got some nice things planned. Nice times without him are exactly what you need at the moment even simple, nice things...a nice walk, a nice cup of coffee, meeting up with a friend for a bit of window shopping...anything that does not involve him. In time, you will not miss him at all. You will be so relieved.

You have been with this guy for four years. It will take time for the wounds to heal. Be kind to yourself and find positive things to do that will make you feel strong again...things outside the house...not virtual chat room shenanigans (MN excluded!) You need real people and real experiences not any 'land of make believe' stuff! Going back to work will help fill some of the space won't it?

You are not going mad. However, stay with this guy and you might. Men like this should come with a health warning! They will spend the rest of their lives doing the same thing to some other poor unsuspecting woman. That is the tragedy of it all. And not everyone will get out. Escape while you have this opportunity. You will move onwards and upwards.

Take good care of yourself.

In terms of 'gaslighting' is this the sort of thing people mean?

Like for example he will say things like 'you never like doing x and y or going to z', I'll say 'I do, we did x and y last week, and the week before we went to z'. Then I might say 'what makes you say that, I really do like those things/places'. And then he'll get all snappy and say 'I never said you didn't did I?' To which I'll tell him that he just said exactly that. And he'll then tell me I'm going on/causing an arguement/bullying him.

Or once I said something like that we should have a barbeque next week. And he told me there was no point as I don't even eat meat. Now I really do eat most meats and have meat probably 4-5 times a week and am partial to the odd macdonalds so I found this completely crazy. But when I asked him why he was saying that as he knows I eat meat he start saying oh stop going on does it matter what I said you take things too literally. Leaving me baffled and frustrated.

This week he got a Jamie Oliver recipe book for Christmas, so I said we could use that next week, and he tells me 'oh you won't like it it's all cabbage', honestly that was his exact words. So again baffled I ask what he means and I'm sure there must be something in there I'll like. Again I'm going on, he's only saying, he hasn't even looked in it yet.

It's like he says the most random things that aren't even true but I'm not allowed to question him or I'm causing a row. He tells me I'm being aggressive when I'm sat in the corner of the sofa, curled up under a blanket, just because I ask him to explain what he means.

Thinking back to an incident we had at some traffic crossing once. We were crossing at a really busy junction. Where cars come from 3 different directions. Ds was with us so I always wait for the green man, but it does take ages. There were no cars coming but I know that cars do turn right and the view is blocked so safer just to wait.

He basically said I was being stupid waiting and we should just go, I said I'd rather not setting an example to ds etc. Anyway we waited, then ds dropped his comfort teddy right in the middle of the road as we were crossing. He snapped that's that why I shouldn't let ds walk around with it everywhere so I said no that's why we should cross safely. And he threw ds swimming back across the pavement and stormed off. Leaving me standing there like an idiot in the street. That's not right is it?

Then when he got back he wouldn't apologise and said that I belittle him all the time.

You hit the nail on the head sparkly...it isn't right. If you said the sky was blue, he would argue that it is green. If you then respond to that, or ask him why he said that, he would say, for example, that you were being aggressive...then the argument begins and he would say it is all your fault. And so it goes on.

They come out with random stuff like "You never want to do this" but as you say, when you respond and gently correct them, they don't like it. You're getting at them, having a go at them, being difficult...which then can expand onto, "You're a nightmare to be with...I shouldn't have to put up with this!" All designed to make you feel rubbish and question yourself. Usually by this time the argument will have become heated anyway and you may have said a few harsh words. They then focus everything on the few harsh words you have said, completely forgetting the nasty things they have said! It all becomes your fault! And of course by this time you are feeling bad because you have exchanged harsh words and there is part of you thinking..."I shouldn't have said that...that was nasty of me...if I hadn't said that he wouldn't be angry. It IS my fault."

Any of this ring any bells?

I'd like to think that people like this can change but I am not convinced. Their behaviour serves a purpose for them, makes them feel powerful and often gets them what they want. Their behaviour works well for them. THEY become the victim for having to put up with YOU!

It is very sad that some people are like this but it is not your responsibility to rescue them. You are young enough to build a new life for yourself and your dc. Opt out of a lifetime of being on an emotional rollercoaster...you deserve so much better than that.

Reading your account above I would also say that he is a master at turning thing around, twisting things. If you dare contradict what he says, he will say you are belittling him. You can't even disagree with him because you will be causing an argument.

You can't live like that sparkly. You would have a miserable life. Your life, and that of your ds, is way too precious for this.

As you have said, one day you will look back on all this with relief that you got out. The challenge will be not to find yourself attracted to similar people...we get used to a certain kind of behaviour from people and it quickly becomes the norm. We start to feel comfortable with it. So much so that when someone treats us well we find it difficult to handle...it feels a bit weird and we end up thinking the person is a bit strange!

I notice you mentioned in one of your posts about possibly seeking counselling. Go for it. It will help you recognise the signs if it happens again and will help break those patterns by which people's bad behaviour towards us becomes our comfort zone.

I definitely realise that while I have my faults and I'm sure my part to play I don't think I could ever win with him unless I just completely kept my mouth shut and had no opinion on anything, and developed psychic powers.

What I've also noticed is that each time he breaks up it feels worse, the first few times I was a bit like 'ye ok whatever' and just got on with it until he begged me back at which point I wanted to believe him. And eventually it turned into me begging him back and him being colder and colder. To the point that I hate to admit I've felt as though I really don't want to be here anymore. I've exhausted all avenues of talking to rl people because they're sick of it and give the same answers each time, so I'm almost becoming more isolated in it too.

And while I have to accept responsibility, it's impacting on ds. Yesterday I moped and we had a 'dvd' day, today he went to his cousins despite the fact I had things planned I truly couldn't face it. Tomorrow I'm going to get out to the park and get some fresh air, do a few things. But yes, it's making me ill and I can't afford to get ill.

Begging him to take you back is just a sign that your self-esteem is getting lower while he gets all the more powerful. You want him to be warm and loving again. He knows you want that. Instead of having a straightforward conversation with you, the games kick in. He punishes you instead! Makes you feel that you're worthless (and oh so lucky to have him). In the end he takes you back (which you feel relieved about and even grateful). This keeps repeating and repeating itself. It becomes normal. Horrible becomes normal and you become grateful for any scraps he throws at you. Little bits of affection he tosses your way. A few promises that you then base all hope on...

I am sorry you have become more isolated from friends...that is really sad. It is good you have recognised this though. It is what this sort of relationship does...you can end up letting your life revolve around him because you are waiting for those scraps...

Definitely go to the park. Have fun with ds on the swings and slide. Make a timetable and STICK TO IT. Make a list of things you enjoy doing so, when you are feeling a bit lost, you can refer to your list and do something nice. Doesn't have to be anything huge...might be a walk, a swim, a run (if you are that way inclined...exercise is really good for taking your mind off stuff) or even reading a book / magazine over a cup of tea. Play your favourite music on the stereo and dance to it...alone or with your son! That can really have a positive effect. Set some goals. I don't know how old your son is so maybe get involved in something with him at nursery / pre-school / school. Make some plans to see people you haven't seen for a while. You don't want to lapse into depression so try to nip this in the bud now. Returning to work next week may help with structuring your day. It will help give you a focus that is not HIM. Speak to your GP too if things don't improve...ask for some therapy / counselling.

This is a bit of a rubbish time of year in some ways but in other ways you can start this year as you mean to go on. Don't waste another day of your life on someone who is making you ill. Seriously. If you are worried that you may go back to him (because he may well beg you to) make a list of all the things he has done that have upset you. Read it when you are feeling vulnerable. Re-read this thread, and your previous one. Put written affirmations on post-it notes around the house to remind yourself of the precious things in your life, that you are a worthwhile person, the things you like about yourself.

Most of all, make a life without him so you don't miss him any more. I can assure you that one day you will move on from him if you choose to. You will forget his telephone number and you won't care less that it is his birthday.

Yes Sparkly those are typical examples of gaslighting - they try to make you doubt everything you believe is true even your own thoughts.
Blaming you for everything and turning things around to make you seem to be at fault always means that eventually you start to think that maybe you ARE to blame.
Blowing hot & cold is specifically designed to mess with your head, and the nice phases are there to make you think that maybe YOU are imagining the bad phases.

Please hold on & don't go back to him even if he begs. If he does ask you back & you find the strength to turn him down, expect behaviours ranging from saying you'll never get another man (not true), he'll take your DS away (he can't), sobbing down the phone then threatening suicide if you don't go back to him (he won't), then to threatening you or even your DS.

Remember that everything he says & does is according to a standard script that all abusers seem to follow. And just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean it isn't abuse, it is.

Allergictoironing has summed it up perfectly.

Do stay strong sparkly. You need peace and calm in your life, and your son's life. Living on a rollercoaster is no life at all.

Take care of yourself.

I wish I had mumsnet years ago when I went through very similar to many of you. I guarantee you that life will be so much better without this man. It will take a bit of heart break but you will be stronger in no time at all. You deserve better op. Good luck and stay strong.

Just back for a bit of perspective/reality check, and to let off some steam.

So I've ended up changing my number. My weekend didn't go to plan at all, Friday night when I went to bed I ended up having a really bad stomach ache, I went to bed with it and woke up at 3am feeling like I did when I was going into labour and in a cold sweat shivering. Head pounding. Didn't get back to sleep until 6am and then only had 1.5 hours until ds was up. I felt terrible in the morning like I'd come down with a really nasty virus and had to drag myself out of bed. I don't know if I've come down with something won't give tmi but I always end up getting a bad stomach too if I'm very upset about something.

I was planning to do my shopping Sat then go to the park, felt too bad and was on the last bit of milk etc. Pathetic I know but I ended up texting ex saying I was ill and could he help out or at least take ds out for a bit. I knew if was a stupid move but I think in a way I was just testing to see if he did care even a little. Response I got was cold, that I should go to the doctors, on a Saturday? And he was busy and had told me he wanted space, he'd come Monday but would leave me a bag outside the door?

Well I ended up sending a ranting essay about how if I was too bad to get to the shops I wouldn't be going to the doctors (not that that would help the immediate situation of getting some essentials), how everythings always had to be on his terms. How one minute he loves me the next he doesn't want to know and it's no wonder I'm such a wreck with all his on/off.

He then says he'll never not love me, he just wants some space and how if I'd been nicer to him this would never have happened. Then he said the problem is I can't forgive him for asking me to have an abortion and for going on dating sites and I should find someone who's perfect and doesn't do all of the bad things he does. He doesn't like my town so will never move (even though he's said 100 times he will). He might aswell have just gone whole way and said 'it's not you it's me'.

You're probably wondering then why I've changed my number it's because if the pattern goes anything like all the other times, sometime during the week he'll start sending texts at around 10.30pm when I'm just dozing off saying 'miss you', 'love you', 'u ok', or sending me sad faces. He repeats that for days until I end up responding and we start all over again. He can still ring my landline but he'll be far less likely to do that as it involve actually speaking and he's not brave enough for that. He even texts my landline.

Change your landline as well. Honestly.

Change all your numbers . Work on yourself until you realise you DESERVE better.

The man is useless.

Oh he said something about how we probably should split up but he will find it hard and doesn't know if he can do it, is that translation for; if I want you back sometime I can pretend it was too hard to split?

I just feel cheated, like he's robbed 4 years of my life. I know I should have woken up and smelt the coffee a long while ago. But I feel like he's fooled me. Keep thinking back to our first year together, I didn't go intot he relationship expecting anything but he'd go on and on about getting a new job and moving in with me, getting married, he'd talk about the future like we had one, long future things like passing ds on his car (classic sports car). Moving to the countryside, we'd go for drives and look at places we'd like to live. I know and accept that things go wrong and people fall out of love, but I think he's known all along it was all bull. Because as soon as I felt ready and tried to move things forward all the excuses would come. He never point blank said no, but delayed, he's not quite ready, no jobs out there, I'm preventing by doing this or that. But he'd do other things like book a holiday for us as if to keep me sweet.

Problem is I can't change my bloody landline, I tried once before when all this happened and they said they can only do it with a crime number for nuisance calls. Even if you pay they won't do it.

Other thing I've noticed is he never tells anyone we've split, as though he doesn't want his family to know incase we get back together which makes me wonder does he know the splits not permanent, he also often asks me back when there's a family meal or something he wants me to attend.

I know I need to work on myself, I'm going to GP in the week, I'm basically going to specifically ask for counselling or some kind of talking therapy. I'll explain I feel it will be beneficial for the reasons I've said and see what they say. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes again. I am taking this pretty hard and thinking too far ahead is a bit scary at the minute (other stuff going on too like job security) so I'm just going a day at a time and enjoying the little things like playing with ds, and my dm making me a trifle!

How do get rid of that feeling of everything reminding you? Right now it feels as though everythings tainted, all the places I like to go, all the things I like to eat, a lot of the things I own he's been, with me, bought me even. The laptops full of photos of us all on holidays, days out I don't want to delete them as they are ds last 4 years, and he's in all of it. How am I even going to explain it to ds, he keeps asking when he's coming over, then says he must be still at work. He sort of understand that ex isn't his dad as I've explained but as ex has been around since ds was a baby he just refers to him as 'my dad'.

I remember it when I split with ex I couldn't watch The Bill, or certain films as they were a reminder.

Of course you can change it. Tell them you will take on another distributor if they don't.

I have been meaning to look at other providers actually as think I'm paying over the odds to Sky.

Feel a bit stupid and ott changing numbers really as he's not harrassing me, but it makes it feel more final to me.

Final is what you need, like it or not.

Have a chat with Women's Aid, see if you can get on the Freedom Programme. That's specifically designed to help women who have had abusive partners and this man is very abusive. Also, by the sound of it, you have had other abusive people in your past, which unfortunately makes you attractive to abusers in general: a woman who had always been treated well and had good self esteem would have told this knob to go and fuck himself with an axe handle after about a fortnight.

I am not saying that it's your fault that this has happened, but you need extra help to overcome the effect other people's mistreatment has had on you. Help is there. You can do it. In a while, you will be able to look back on this man with a kind of amused contempt. Good luck.

Thanks SolidGold, I definitely realise that I need to stop this from happening again as there is a pattern emerging. Not heard of The Freedom programme so will look into that too.

I think the only thing I'm still struggling a bit with is seeing him as abusive, my ex, definitely yes as he hit, shouted, name called.

I can now see how he seems to 'gaslight' which I hadn't heard of before, but think I'm still not seeing abuse as I understand it.