So it's not all in my head then:( (long)

[MerlotforOne]

Can't quite believe I'm writing this, but need to get it written down before I minimise it again.
This morning, DH and I both a bit tired, DS (3) acting up a bit. DH offered to take DS and dog for a walk so I could get some peace. DS was being difficult about getting his coat on and DH was acting as though his temper was getting strained. He muttered 'I don't work hard all week to come home to this!' And then pinned DS on the stone floor and wrestled him into his coat. DS was sobbing and I wanted to comfort him, bu DH snarled t me to go upstairs and let him get on with it. I would normally retreat at this point so as not to provoke him, but today I decided not to and stood m ground.

He asked me again to go and I said if he was upset he should take the dog out and clear his head, and leave DS with me. He said 'you really don't want to push me just now' and I asked why he was threatening me? He walked over and shoved me really hard through the doorway into the next room and onto the floor. DS saw this and ran over to me. We both somehow ended up upstairs and DH followed us up and stood there saying I was over-reacting as it was only a shove had provoked him so i deserved the shove.

I was crying and DS was upset and brought me his muslin and dummy . I refused to let DH touch me and he told me again I was overreacting and denied the comment about me deserving it, said I had made that up. He then took DS and went for the walk. I haven't been able to send being in the same room all day, but daren't leave in case he gets really angry and does something worse.

He has only physically assaulted me once before, 8 years ago on holiday, and was so drunk at that time that he passed out and claimed no memory of it. He can be grumpy and I feel I walk on eggshells and that I have to justify myself a lot. Since the incident 8 years ago, I've always backed down before he lost his temper, and fooled myself that he'd changed, but I discovered mumsnet 6m ago and have been reading a lot on this board and feeling increasingly uneasy that quite a lot f it applied to me.

He is not at all financially controlling, but was very jealous and quite controlling of my social life (back when I had one) and can be quite argumentative after a drink (not that he drinks much these days). He can also be loving and affectionate and we have long periods of time where everything seems fine, but I've been excusing his behaviour for a very long time and now there are really no excuses left.

Don't know what to do really. Thoroughly miserable and very confused.

I've fallen in a heap this morning . I thought I'd be able to sleep last night but if anything was worse. I didn't get to sleep until after 2am, then DS came through at 5.20am.

I've now realised that I don't actually have any really good RL friends. All the 'couple friends' are being very kind but ultimately want the status quo. Of my 3 'own friends', one has just lost her dad and is in no fit state to hear about this, and besides that is a relative of H's, one has not been contactable and the other has made it clear that she is enjoying her new husband and baby and doesn't really want to know. They're all used to capable, gentle, listening Merlot and are very uncomfortable with angry, sad, ranting Merlot. Even my lovely parents are relieved that we're 'working things out'.

I saw the GP yesterday. She was lovely, but another one saying that she thought he really wanted to change and she hoped we got through this, although she did admit there were 'significant differences' between his version of events and mine, so at least that confirms that suspicion.

I'm still in bed, hiding from the world. The whole situation feels scary and overwhelming. H is being lovely and understanding and I feel terrified that I'm having to rely on him so much at the moment.

Merlot,
you will discover through this who your true friends are and more about your family relationships than you ever wanted to know.
The situation is scary. The temptation to 'give in' and go back to what was before; because while it was not safe or happy, it does have the advantage of being familiar and you know what your 'role' is.

These are days to not think about long term. Focus on getting through today.

Is H still back in the house with you? Could you focus on taking the support you need from him, but maintaining very clear boundaries? Such as he comes to take DS out for the day to allow you to get what you need re sleep, personal time, grieving etc? But he does not live with you for the time being?

Thanks Porridge,

I've taken your advice and feel a lot better after a shower and some food.

H is still here but sleeping in the spare room. The travel distances and times involved would make it difficult for him to be much help if he went to live at his mum's.

I think I need to maintain clear boundaries as you say and try to concentrate on myself a bit more rather than thinking about 'the situation' all th time.

Porridge speaks sense, for now focus on you, gather your strength.

'Significant differences', as the GP mentioned, that's illuminating, and bears out what you thought.

I don't see any point in going through the motions ie 'working things out' with H if you are unable to feel he is taking responsibility and genuinely acknowledging your feelings. I can see how it looks like stalemate and something has to give. I can utter things like, take all the time you need, but I'll be honest I don't know how to develop this, other posters will come along. Not much traffic on here at the moment Merlot being Saturday but we are still here for you.

As for friends in rl, people aren't used to others reaching out, they either hope you'll sort it out yourself or worry they'll be seen to 'take sides' if they know both parties. I don't think it's just our British reserve. I'm no saint but I hope I'd listen to a friend if she (or he) told me something like your experience had happened. Listen, and keep supporting.

Oh Merlot, I'm sorry you've got such crap support IRL. This is one of the worst things about crises, they suddenly show up poor, one-sided friendships on top of everything else.

I'm with Donkeys here, I'm at a loss to know what to do next, other than recognising the essential wrongness of the current position. Basically I'm just very sorry you're there with him. It sounds to me like every instinct is screaming at you that you don't want to be there.

As I think I wibbled sometime earlier, you followed your instincts to remove yourself and DS from a dangerous situation - and somehow you haven't ended up with clarity, safety or a way forward. "Working things out" is the language of solving problems that have developed between people. This is not such a problem IMO. This is a problem with your husband. This lack of clarity over what's going to happen next, and your being saddled with a whole load of expectations about "working it out" cannot be right, can it?

so he lied to the GP - minimised and cast himself in the role of poor him presumably - just as he's doing with you

i thought marriedinwhite wrote a lovely post on thursday - def one for re-reading.

friends are tricky when the world is coupled up. i'm a single mum so i really do get that.... unavailableness that married/partnered people can have. i've tried making new friendships with 'wives' before (and i say wives because actually it turned out that was their prime identity/priority/role) and they've never lasted long before i've realised how superficial it was - how it had to be only at certain times re: when hubby was at work. anyway! that said i also have a fantastic friend who happens to be married and good friends dotted around the place in various states of single/coupled malarchy.

i'd imagine when your friends have been made whilst or long used to you being a couple they are different to friendships you make and have as an individual - dunno and maybe a bit off topic but honestly when life moves on and you are back in the 'stream' rather than in a stalled layby you DO start making new friends who fit with who you are now.

i hope you're taking lots of space. i do agree that your husband's statement the other day plus the gp confirming he wasn't honest just proves he hasn't changed at all or taken any real responsibility.

Merlot -- it is time to make some new friends, and fast. We're all real here for starters.

It is also time to report what happened, to the relevant authorities.

And you need to look into alternative sources of help -- I am assuming you mean with your DS and general housework, etc? Look at your local college for older teens who might be willing to babysit, or CMs who could help with taking to or from nursery, etc., or look for a cleaner or whatever practical things you need help with.

It's a paradox, but the longer the H stays under the same roof the more lonely (and lost and utterly invisible and isolated and mute, and powerless to reach out to others) you are going to feel. If he were gone you might be surprised to find your head clearing and the ability to handle things replacing that feeling of being drained and listless and weak.

But report what happened. Go to your police station and ask for the DV officer.

And please get in touch with Women's Aid.

Merlot, I have re-read your whole thread, nearly two weeks since that incident took place, the advice very early on when it was perhaps too fresh and shocking to take it all in still stands true. math has reiterated some of it, maybe you're ready to take another step.

maybe you could give a vague idea of where in the country you are? if you were in my area i'd be happy to meet up for a coffee or glass of wine.

i work part time and raise ds (nearly 6 alone). i am either at or travelling to/from work whilst ds is at school then doing the school runs etc. i work one longer a day a week and ds goes to his granny's house. it's all doable. if i earned more i'd consider using childminders even though i don't strictly need it so as to have a bit more breathing space. although you're panicking about money i'm sure on your salary and with his child support you'd be more than able to manage. plus you'd just organise things the way they work best for you and ds. i guess what i'm saying is that it honestly is all doable and personally i'm pretty happy if a bit knackered sometimes but looking round at married mums they don't seem any less knackered or to have any less to do tbh.

whatever decision you come to has to be yours and positive - not through fear of unknown or better the devil you know or for the sake of appearances. this is your life you know? no dress rehearsals and all that

Your GP has not acted in your best interests, Merlot. Is she a partner of your DH or are you registered elsewhere? Strictly speaking I don't think she should have even hinted at what he told her, although I accept there is a little wiggle room on this when a GP is treating both spouses (as is the case with me and my DH). The fact is whilst you are in front of her, you are the most important patient she has. You should treat her comments as having the weight of a friend's, not a healthcare professional's.

I think I would let your parents know that as far as you are concerned, at the moment you are not 'working things out', you are merely living together because of a set of circumstances outside both of your control. I would not let complacency creep back in if you can, you may (although hopefully not) need them to react quickly on your behalf. DEFCON 3 I think.

Real life friends Merlot know the parts of you they want to see and thosse parts are generally not based on ones problems now becuase old friends/good friends know and remember the girl/woman of 20 years ago and new friends know the girl/women at a point on her journey. I can't quite find the right words for this so will give an example. It's personal and not meant to hijack your thread but I can't think how else to explain.

15.5 years ago our second son died a few hours after being born at 27 weeks. In rl even my closest friends saw the married who carried on putting on her hair and makeup and didn't make a fuss and didn't cry in public and who sensibly got pg again straight away and as soon as dd arrived 51 weeks later no-one ever spoke of Alexander again. I have never got over it; I have gradually and incrementally come to terms with it. Nobody in rl knows about the dark days and the consultant led care with dd because the pg was such high risk. It is only on here that I can talk about it and it is only on here that others have been through similar and can understand.

You do have friends in rl and they are dear and special but just now they can't relate. Also things happen for a reason - I don't know why - but if ds 2 hadn't died I wouldn't have dd and I cannot imagine a life without this adorable 14 year old or the family dynamic we have now. If it hadn't been for that shove OP, you might still be walking on eggshells and feeling miserable. It is all very new but in a year, or two or three - you will be in a different place and it is likely to be a better and a happier place and you will look back on this as part of your journey and when we chose to revisit places we go to the ones we liked not the ones that made us unhappy. Crap - I hope that makes some sort of sense.

Sorry about the typos - please ignore but if I proof this I will delete it or not share what is in my heart.

And if you need some friends even mnet friends - come to a meetup . I will pm you about the next one if I can go.

marriedinwhite, very sorry to hear of your loss of Alexander.

marriedinwhite. I am sorry to hear of your loss of Alexander. You write beautifully of his impact on your family. A lovely post.

I think your point is about friendships, and how many people who are wonderful friends in every other way, just dont know how to cope with crises outside their own experience.

Precisely Porridgelover - they are friends but they don't have the skills to deal with some of the big stuff and are scared of getting involved. Thank goodness for Mnet.

marriedinwhite, Sad for you, but how lovely it must be to have your own special little angel.

I feel your loneliness in all this Merlot. You must be very disillusioned with family and friends right now. So many people live in their own little bubble, and don`t want to hear anything negative, in case it bursts.

My concern at the moment is that you are sending out the wrong signals, by being in the same house with H. I feel that he thinks he just has to do a bit of penance, and grovelling, then all will be back to the way it was. Unfortunately, "the way it was" was wrong on all levels, and it has to be dealt with. Also, what is the little one picking up on? There must be a strained atmosphere, at the very least. Then daddy suddenly giving him lots more attention than he is used to. He is going to be very confused. For as long as you stay in this limbo state, you have no chance of moving on. For your own sake, and that of DS, I hope you are able to face making some decisions very soon. I do know how hard that will be for you, and you are constantly in my thoughts.

Yes married The Fear.

I used to think 'feel the fear and do it anyway' was in relation to big things like visiting a foreign country or going parachuting.

But day to day, it's things like seeing a friend in pain. While I may not know the right thing to say, or be afraid to say the wrong thing, I can still ring for coffee or send a text.
Or the fear of doing the 'wrong' thing with my DC can paralyse me from doing a better thing than I am doing now. (IYSWIM)

Sorry to sidetrack Merlot. But I think married has made a good point about friends. They wont carry you through. But the good ones will cheer from the sides whichever direction you go.

only read OP so apologies for the simplistic response but FUCKING BASTARD!

HTH

Married thank you for sharing Alexander with us. I am so sorry for your loss, but your story completely captures how I feel about my friends at the moment and makes me feel less lonely. Also, thank you for your lovely post on Thursday, I was crying reading it and you did remind me that I'm still young in the grand scheme of things, even though I feel about 1000 years old at the moment.

After I finally climbed out of my pit of despair today, I went out for coffee with a friend who has known us both individually and as a couple for years. She's very blunt and honest, but loves both of us dearly. It helped enormously to hear her perspective.

H feels different today somehow. It's as though he's been going through the motions of good husband and dad for the past few days and has now discovered that he actually enjoys it. That he may actually prefer this to being high flying career man. He's stopped with the melodramatic declarations (thankfully), but the few comments he has made have had a ring of truth about them. I don't know. I'm watching and waiting, but something has shifted.

Thank you lovely internet people

Autumn, DS is loving the time with daddy. I swear he's grown an inch in the past week and his speech an behaviour have both improved .

Merlot you yourself are a doctor as is your H. Is it still the case in this day and age, that some outsiders regard certain professions as immune to problems like substance abuse or relationship troubles?
That could account for some people's slowness in grasping your dilemma.

Back to today, I'm glad you were able to talk openly with your friend.

And at last, something's shifted. I hope you feel better - cautious, alert, but no longer that enervating numbness.

DS is still young enough to live in the moment, his dad is his hero.

Unfamiliar as I am with Buddhist thinking would I be far off the mark to think that a marriage would be valued as a partnership of equals, that gentleness and supportiveness would feature strongly? I think H forgot that before and his memory needs jogging, if he'd allow himself to recollect.

PS marriedinwhite an exceptional post thank you.

Yes, you're right about Buddhist thinking Donkeys. H's problem (in his own words) is that he got so caught up in the theory and meditation that he wasn't actually living the principles, that instead he was using it to make himself feel superior. He's given up the regular sessions that were taking up so much time and says he could be a better Buddhist by never going to another class again if he uses the time to put DS and I first instead, which I think I shall hold him to!

I've told him that all this sounds great, but talk is cheap and it's how he behaves in the longer term that will affect whether there is any way forward for us.

Also, virtually all of our friends are fellow Drs, and the medical profession has stupidly high rates of depression, burnout, substance abuse, suicide, marital breakdown - you name it really.

One thing that's really been startling is just how much support there is within the profession in terms of Occ Health services and counselling. Both of our bosses have been very supportive and helpful.

To answer a couple of earlier questions, neither of us know any of the GPs at our practice either socially or through work - we deliberately registered as 'out of area' patients for this reason.

H is not my first 'serious' relationship, I lived with a previous boyfriend for 18 months before I met him, but I've never had anything that would qualify as a healthy relationship, and I ignored some things that made me uncomfortable about H early on because there was so much about us that felt right.

I have no doubt that he has some deep seated values and beliefs that are wrong and cause EA, but I do believe he has it in him to address these things and I do now think that I want the relationship that we could have if he does address them, but also that I could be happy without him if he turns out not to really want to.

Merlot and now I really do feel 100 years old (I'm 52).

Even when there are no problems it is still hard work to make a marriage work for a life time and every life time comes with challenges - some which at the time seem insurmountable - and there is often a need for compromise and understanding and forgiveness on both sides. I also know that the more others are damning and critical of relationships the harder it can be for people to leave them because it isn't just the leaving but admitting that others were right if that doesn't sound too contrary.

Any way good luck and do what you think is right in your heart and what will make you happiest in the longer term.

And sorry didn't want to make your thread about me and didn't expect that sort of response.

merlot , I've been following your story and thinking of you.

I have not long left 'D' P (2weeks) and like you, I have gone through the motions, wavered, thought about slipping into 'all I've known' , heard friends say they don't understand it, how fantastic we are, and how I need to support him.

Posters have made the important comment here that only you and DH know what really happened. Perhaps like me, you were concerned what people would say, about how we should follow the status quo? And it's hard, you love this man, he's stressed, so we instinctively look our for then, right? I did it too. I saw red flags, I ignored them. I thought I was to blame for being chaotic (see name!) when the emotional out downs started.. I was to blame when the violence started 'I got in the way'...

It's taken me 2 weeks , and I dare say a lot longer too, to start really seeing things for what they were. I've stopped the rose tinted glasses and started to remember the aggression, the temper, the excuses, and the emotional excuses for behaviour, which is frankly, inexcusable. I am very sorry for your loss in all of this, please don't misunderstand me. What am saying is there will always be an excuse , a reason, for the OP to lure their way back in, if we let them.

I do not have DC involved in my situation, and I acknowledge the stress and emotional tug that puts in your situation to 'make it work'. Think about what you would say to anyone else in this situation? I appreciate that's hard, and like me you're probably thinking ' this kind of thing doesn't happen to women like me'.

I knew deep down that it wasn't right, but I was prepared to settle because I was broken down to the point that I couldn't see beyond it. I guess slowly and surely I've realised that I am better thsn this, and that my life will progress forward , hopefully with love and respect, and because i made the decision.

Sending you all the love in the world, here for you, as are so many. These are the darkest days, but in many ways the most enlightening too.