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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To those who've been in abusive relationships - when did the abuse start?

77 replies

russianreubles · 01/01/2013 16:12

Just read the post at this site: www.kveller.com/blog/parenting/a-letter-to-my-daughter-about-fighting-back/

I'm not 100% clear about the time scales in her relationship but it sounds like a nice man turned abusive almost overnight and after 2 years or possibly longer.

I've always thought that men who are abusive by nature can hide this pretty much completely but only for a limited amount of time. Is this story unusual? To all the women out there unfortunate enough to have been in an abusive relationship, for how long was the relationship non-abusive to begin with? Is there any way of not picking an abusive man?

I am early thirties and still single but want a family so will not have years and years to get to know someone. Is there any way to "screen" for someone who will become abusive?

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 01/01/2013 21:29

In answer to your question first abusive incident was 4 days into our marriage having known him for a couple of years before. However I can only see this with the benefit of hindsight and 12 years of "fixing him", paying for him and a load of DCs with him....but if I had paid attention he was a "blamer" and overly entitled from the start.

ladyWordy · 01/01/2013 21:34

Well.....If someone is very charming, and very keen to get married, those two factors alone ring a warning bell.

As Dr Joe Carver says, most men take their time when they make a commitment, because they need to know what they're getting into.

Abusers want you under their control as fast as possible, so you hear plenty of early, flattering talk about 'you're special', 'why wait when you know it's for real', 'I've never met anyone like you'... Anything to get your commitment, and to get you down the aisle ASAP. Or get you pregnant (which increases your dependency immediately).

  • Charm: Gavin de Becker describes charm as a verb, a tool to get something. The charming men I knew had hidden problems, and would have made awful partners.
  • If you're being flattered and romanced and think all your dreams are coming true, well... if it looks too good to be true, it probably is...
  • If he behaves differently in public from how he is in private, that's something to note. If you have Mr Life and Soul of the party, or Mr Neighbourhood Great Guy, or Mr Pillar of the Community... but at home you see shades of a less moral, more self centred, even unkind person - step away.
  • And absolutely, watch who he blames. Do things keep happening to him? Is it always someone else's fault? Then he takes responsibility for nothing. The only person he will look after is himself.
  • Finally, and this is just an impression I get ... Look at how he is with money. Does he spend to look good, yet drive hard bargains with people? Does he penny pinch, yet like the accessories of the big impressive man? Does he owe money, or has he lost money? Thats potential trouble for you.

The thread most of these things have in common is the public vs the private image, and control.

There is a big emphasis on looking good, or seeming impressive, rather than truly caring, in the everyday way that actually matters.

SirSugar · 01/01/2013 21:37

I left him after a couple of years as I knew something wasn't right however he pursued me and said 'all the right things' and I fell pregnant.

Six days after DD was born he said if I didn't learn to look after her properly he would send her away and I would never see her again ( he was from Middle East )

I did a total of just over 12 years of hardcore marriage with that man, had another DC and then suddenly he got sick and died.

My DM has a macabre sense of humour and about two months before he got sick she said to me ' What are you going to do?, you're smart; can't you put something in his tea?'

Another friend of mine upon me telling her he had died paused for a moment then asked me if I had done it

topknob · 01/01/2013 21:38

I hope so, I have no respect for him, none, but dealing with the fall out is hard thing to think of..we have children together.

topknob · 01/01/2013 21:39

This is the first time I have publicly admitted to this.

garlicbaubles · 01/01/2013 21:43

I'll add to ladyWordy's excellent post:

  • Putting other people down. Starts small, with a few 'witty' backhanders about other people, grows a little bit with offhand rudeness to a waitress or somesuch, escalates with a horrible rant at or about a third party. This is the trial run: he's showing you what you'll get.
  • Weird boundary-breaking: turning up at your place unexpectedly; walking out of an event that revolves around your family & friends; getting behind the wheel of your car without asking; opening your purse for some cash. He's showing you who calls the shots on your turf.
SirSugar · 01/01/2013 21:43

you should start a thread topknob and discuss your options, don't waste anymore time

foolonthehill · 01/01/2013 21:44

Then well done topknob because it is the hardest thing to look at your relationship full on and admit that you are in an abusive marriage.

There is a wealth of expertise and care here to help you if you want.

maybe start your own thread.
Be careful on the computer.....private browsing, delete histories etc.

garlicbaubles · 01/01/2013 21:45

topknob, this board gives excellent support to posters making a much-needed break. I hope you'll feel able to call on it :)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 21:45

There's already fall-out topknob, sorry. DCs can be suffering in a broken home even when you're all under the same roof. Brave of you to admit there's a problem.

topknob · 01/01/2013 21:46

I will do one day Sir sugar, it will be long x I am well educated on internet history etc..but thank you for the advice x x

SirSugar · 01/01/2013 21:47

I am now with wonderful DP, he hasn't got it in him to be abusive but if I wasn't and some bloke thought he had the right to fuck with me now I would take great delight in telling him where to get off; he would probably get the full force of my rage felt towards my late DHs treatment of me in one hit

flippinada · 01/01/2013 21:48

Good question.

My XP was an emotionally abusive bully who drove me to a nervous breakdown yet at the start of our relationship he was Mr Wonderful, couldn't do enough for me (this in itself is a warning sign of course but back then I was young and very naive).

IME it starts off small, pushing boundaries to see what you will put up with. And women are taught to be nice and accommodating, and so often ignore their instincts so red flags are dismissed, explained away etc.

Lets face it, if a man said to you "hey, I may seem like a nice bloke but actually I'm planning to destroy your self esteem, erode your confidence, alienate your friends and reduce you to a quivering wreck" you'd be off like a shot.

I think if you have decent self esteem and trust your instincts you won't go far wrong.

topknob · 01/01/2013 21:49

He is working tomorrow, so hopefully I can give you all a full run down, it will take a while...I know the kids suffer already to some degree, I hate it, I know if it was just me and them things would be so very different. Thank you all x.

flippinada · 01/01/2013 21:51

Good luck and much sympathy to you topknob.

SirSugar · 01/01/2013 21:56

All the tears I shed when H died were tears of relief. How fucking sad is that that I was freed by his death and have never grieved him. Even now almost three years on I feel relief.

I often come on this board and read womens stories of terrible treatment and abuse at the hands of some bastard and think if only they too could be set free in the same way as me - terrible I know but these men are so awful and treat their women so badly.

The sad sad thing is these men are not even happy, they are generally fucked up bullies that cannot understand how to love

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 01/01/2013 22:01

The signs were there from the very beginning, the psycho ex, the decelerations of love, wanting to have a baby almost straight away.

He first slapped me when I was pregnant - that was only a few months after we'd met.

dippyDoohdah · 01/01/2013 22:01

sirsugar..your late h sounds just like my stbxh..middle eastern and the alluding to taking first child..nice! I have contemplated staying and riding it out, but oddly have imagined him then dying and me having lived my life for him.your post reinforced that fear so thanks for sharing.
cog thanks for link..blamer in one!

dippyDoohdah · 01/01/2013 22:03

sir sugar cross posted..wow, what you say is so powerful to me..I can see that as my future and I don't want it..you are so right about the bullying

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 01/01/2013 22:06

Some of the above are familiar to me. He always had a bad temper, but I excused it saying he was stressed travelling long distances to see his dc from his first marriage. It got really bad after I had my first baby and it went through the cycle of abuse ever since really. So glad I left. I will never regret it for a second.

SirSugar · 01/01/2013 22:07

dippy, I lived with the threat that he would send children away, even go himself and after he died I found evidence that it could well have been a possibility.

The case over christmas about the woman whose daughter was returned after three years sent shivers down my spine.

SirSugar · 01/01/2013 22:10

dippy, I'm sure you know all about the measures you can put in place regarding your stbx and the possibility of children being taken

MissPricklePants · 01/01/2013 22:16

my ex became abusive when I was pregnant with dd, we have been split up for over 3 years now and he still attempts to emotionally abuse me but I have become increasingly detached. He also sexually assaulted me when dd was a few weeks old (and I was ill with a severe uterine infection). I do find this hard to discuss but there is a thread somewhere on here that is useful for red flags.

dippyDoohdah · 01/01/2013 22:18

sir sugar..it gave me chills too!
stbxh us not that hugely interested in DC to ever want to take them and, tho he its getting his home country passport at present, he knows that out DC will never go to his home country..not until they are 18 anyway! like this, its just another thing for him to feel hard done by..you know, i've wrecked his life by giving him a broken family..

SirSugar · 01/01/2013 22:31

Everything was always my fault, even when he knocked a plate off the side and broke it ( I shouldn't have left it there ).

I've seen it a lot on this board that these men spend a huge amount of time critiquing dishwasher stacking/tidiness/cleaning/childcare etc etc. You run round trying to get it right then they find something else to keep you on your toes. Stop; you can never get it right and thats the point