Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Big row - perspective required

85 replies

NewYearWoes · 01/01/2013 12:51

DH and I had a big row last and I'm trying to figure it all out.

Friends round, iPod was on and good friend of ours said to my DH "oi Jim your music is shit". This is an absolutely standard exchange between the two of them and something of a running joke.

DH got in a strop, grabbed his iPod and retreated to kitchen with a mate where he proceeded to bitch about situ whilst rest of us were left without music on having just been dancing. Bit awkward. Friend realised DH was pissed off with her, words exchanged and she left.

I'm furious that DH ruined a lovely evening that I (and the friend concerned) had put loads of effort into. When I said same to DH he complained that she had ruined the play list he'd created. Cue angry exchange between us about him being precious about playlist and valuing that above a what had been a lovely evening with friends and him saying I was BU to not stand up for him Confused

Neither of us speaking today. Happy fucking NY!

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 01/01/2013 12:57

Were you all a wee bit merry? tempers flare.

FWIW I don't see the point of dredging it up this morning.

Primadonnagirl · 01/01/2013 12:57

Seems both just over reacted..if your DH had spent a lot of time creating the list he might have felt a bit hurt..sometimes running jokes do get underneath your skin esp if you've had a drink...but it was a bit childish of him to snatch his toy away and stop the fun..It's not worth falling out about though so I would say you hate not speaking, you like his music and that's what matters..

HollyBerryBush · 01/01/2013 12:59

The friend was also rude commenting

yohohoho · 01/01/2013 13:06

she was rude, he over reacted, you over reacted.

What were 'the words' your dh and yout friend had before she left.

Original poster
NewYearWoes · 01/01/2013 13:21

In terms of the words she asked me if he was pissed off with her, I tried to smooth it over and say oh I dont know... I asked him to put the music back on, he refused, she asked him if he was pissed off with her, he told her she was fucking out of order, she left.

I'm gutted. I spent all day yesterday cooking, organising, decorating made loads of effort. I appreciate DH did the playlist but it barely compares to my juggling the DC's, "working from home" and the party prep.

Lots had been drunk - least by me - but admittedly I was already pissed off with him for mocking my dancing.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewYearWoes · 01/01/2013 16:10

He's still ignoring me, it's now been a rubbish day after a rubbish night.

I'm so fed up but rally don't feel like apologising for overreacting when frankly he started it.

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 01/01/2013 16:16

I can't stand the not talking thing. Perhaps you should just say to him, let's just put it behind us and make friends, and have a hug?

That way, you're not apologising but are leaving the way clear for a reconciliation.

Lueji · 01/01/2013 16:32

Actually, was it a running joke for her, or really between them?

Or something he says but doesn't like it in reverse?

Tbf, she should have apologised immediately, even if he over reacted a bit.
And he may well feel bad that you didn't stick up for him.

You are complaining that HE ruined the lovely evening you and the friend (your friend, or his?) and he complains that SHE ruined the lovely music he had put together and everyone had earlier been dancing to.

I'd say it's the friend that needs to show more consideration and at least recognise where she went wrong.

simplesusan · 01/01/2013 16:33

I would do what mumblechum1 advises.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/01/2013 16:37

It'll be better once you all get past puberty... don't worry. Hmm

JustAHolyFool · 01/01/2013 16:39

I agree with mumblechum . Like you say, last night was ruined. OK, that's shit, but why ruin today as well?

It all sounds like everyone was a bit fraught, which often happens this time of year. I'd just go and smooth things over, take him a cup of tea and ask if you can make up.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/01/2013 16:41

You are all teenagers, yes ?

pictish · 01/01/2013 16:43

I think he was being precious, if he and the friend normally get on well.
Huffy puffy. He overreacted.

It's not worth staying mad over though.

Original poster
NewYearWoes · 01/01/2013 16:52

Always pleasant to be on the receiving end of your charming responses AF.

We're all 30 something professionals and I'm genuinely upset.

I'm not staying mad over his overreaction I'm staying mad at the fact he thinks an acceptable response to ruining an evening that I'd worked rely hard to organise is to shout at me and say it's all my fault for not standing up for him.

I'm so bloody fed up and miserable

OP posts:
Original poster
NewYearWoes · 01/01/2013 16:54

really hard.

OP posts:
pictish · 01/01/2013 16:54

So would I be.
He's basically asking you to accept however he chooses to behave, on default. If you're not for him, you're against him...and that is a very selfish pov.

If my dh had done this I'd be disappointed and annoyed too.

Original poster
NewYearWoes · 01/01/2013 16:56

And yes she is both our friend, one half of a couple we see regularly, have been on hols with and have been considering asking to be our youngest's godparents.

OP posts:
Hassled · 01/01/2013 16:57

I'd be really pissed off too.

Is this the latest in a long line of squabbles or do you normally plod along together reasonably calmly? Is there some underlying reason for why he's overreacting, do you think - something else on his mind?

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 01/01/2013 16:57

He's a terrible host and I wouldn't be surprised if your friends didn't want to come round again! Your friend was out of order (although dies he say the same kind of things to her?) but as a host his reaction should not have led to te party falling apart. I would be pissed off with him for that.

As for his reaction, does he feel guilty but is incapable of accepting any blame?

izzyizin · 01/01/2013 17:05

Why is the only source of music in your home his iPod?

Next time you have a party, get him doing the preparations while you sort the sounds out and make sure you've got some back up in place (maybe a guest can bring their iPod?) in the event your system goes down.

Apropos of last night, why didn't you do a conga, hokey cokey, knees-up mother brown, or other oldies that don't require musicians - not even on the old joanna - so the dancing could continue while your dh sat sulking the kitchen?

Numberlock · 01/01/2013 17:07

We need to know what was on his playlist so we can judge whether his taste is shit or not...

Lueji · 01/01/2013 17:08

You haven't yet said who normally does that sort of comment.

If it's her, I can see that it would grate and that he might feel hurt.

I once told off MIL for saying that the music I had put in the car player was bad, as she may not have liked it, but nobody gave her the right to say if it was good or bad ( and I always bit my tongue at their appalling taste ;) ).

If he usually says it, then it served him right.

If it's mutual, then why did he get upset?

I hope it all goes down to the amount of drinking, because in all this could easily been solved very quickly then and there.

And have you managed to talk properly about it?

Original poster
NewYearWoes · 01/01/2013 17:09

everybody DH has said exactly the same to friend in past. It is honestly a longstanding, usually good humoured joke. Affectionately termed "iPhone wars" as whenever we are at each others homes they will try and swap the others iPhone out of the stereo to listen to their own playlists - which are ironically pretty similar.

In my mind this is just another incident in a chain where he has drunk too much and then got stroppy with me. In his mind I expect he is adamant that I was unreasonable to be upset with him when in his mind the friend started it.

My issue is whether she was unreasonable or not, and it's a moot point given the aforementioned "iPod wars" he could have chosen not to escalate it.

OP posts:
Tortington · 01/01/2013 17:10

he sounds like a petulant child.

to be honest i'd have put the radio on and told him to sulk out of sight

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 01/01/2013 17:11

Sounds to me like this 'running joke' finally wore thin.

You said that he started it.

I disagree. You friend started it. She might not have meant to. But it's clear that he was really upset by her remark.