Why do some women RELINQUISH all responsibility for family FINANCES leaving the control with their Man???

[drosophila]

I know of two women (both are related to me) who have had no idea what was going on financially in their own home until the bailiffs came knocking.

Maybe I am a control freak but I cannot imagine being in a relationship where I do not know what was coming in and to a large extent what was going out.

Both of the women I know were married to self- employed men so it was easier for them to hide the financial mess they were getting into but surely in a relationship finances are an open affair even if you don't have joint accounts. Even after the bailiffs came knocking neither women took an interest in the financial affairs of their husbands.

I know another woman who is the only breadwinner yet her DP decides what the money should be spent on and goes mad if she overspends even slightly. I worry that we have not come very far since the days of women’s lib.

Oh my, DominiConnor, how I love your tale of mice.

Here in the bear cave, the male goes out huntin' for fish, I do the sums.
I am slightly worried that if I ever drop down dead, DH will not know the online banking passwords, and our finances will be in tatters.

I think administratively, it is easier if one partner takes primary responsibility for finances. That could be the man or the woman, depending on who is more inclined. My dh and I maintain sole and then joint accounts. I don't really know the ins-and-outs of his sole account or his personal investments, though I have a fairly good idea because I have listed our assets for the purposes of making wills. I decide how much he must contribute to the joint account every month. I tell him what we can afford and which account a cheque should be written out of. He meekly toes the line because he doesn't want to be involved in the details.

I think for safety sake, a woman should always keep one toe in the finances. My mother drummed that into me and to this day, I can never feel secure unless I know the financial lay of the land. My MIL and SIL have no clue or desire to know. That is how my FIL can get away with telling my MIL for 20 years that they cannot move house unless they win the lottery. Ha! I could tell her now that is a complete fib. Would never allow anyone to pull the wool over my eyes.

I am in control of our finances. the house is in my name, all the bills are in my name, all direct debits go out of my account. Dh pays in his share when he gets paid but everything is paid out from my account.

I'll admit that I'm a bit controlling when it comes to money, I have to know that everything is paid up to date and all bills are covered. I think if it were left up to DH some things wouldn't get paid on time and that worries me immensly.
I really do have this huge fear of getting into debt.

My mum brought my brother and I up herself and I learnt from her that you have to budget your finances and to be careful with your money.

I haven't much of a clue what is happening financially...but dh is a financial adviser so I trust it is in safe hands.

Our financial affairs are also hugely complicated (read boring and dull too)with joint personal account, business account, lots of investments etc. Can't be arsed to get my head around it really.

Must just add that dh tries to engage me in discussions about the finances but it bores me rigid so I 'umm' and nod disinterestedly. He certainly doesn't try to keep me in the dark.

Also, must make the point; the complexity of people's financial affairs varies very markedly, so it is disingenuous to make generalisations and say "I do all the finances in my house...can't comprehend why other women don't" or words to that effect

If we just had a mortgage, pension and a few other bills and outgoings every month then I'm sure my attention span would just about last the course....

DH had total control of all the finances until we moved to Cornwall. He was on three times as much as me and so paid all the bills and my wages were my money. Thats what suited us - now I earn about the same as he does, I pay the rent (very high down here), and the childcare expenses and he covers everything else - which means that we actually spend about the same money each month. However, I have total control of the large savings account and I intend it to stay that way as it contains our deposit either for a house or a business when I have completed my course.

So how 'in the dark' is 'in the dark'? Knowing how much is in your partner's account to the nearest thousand? To the nearest hundred? To the nearest pence?
Can't quite get why so many women are so freaked out by the idea of other women who leave it up to their partners.
If, by leaving it up to my dh, I am not being a real woman, but a girl, does that mean that he is not being a real man but a boy if he could not efficiently locate the washing powder in Sainsbury's?

jennifersofia, it would freak me out (though I appreciate not every woman) to not know about finances. I know I don't like to think about such things but if my husband were no longer around for whatever reason (divorce, death, mental incapacity), then it would fall to me to keep the family ship afloat. I don't think not knowing or not wanting to know or delegating finances to partner is any reflection of feminity/masculinity. Certain bridges never need to be crossed.

I do because I am crap with money and would buy that really nice pair of shoes before paying the mortgage whereas DP would pay everything that needs paying first - and he has all the time in the world while he is in his nice comfy little office watching the world go by (well after 2pm everyday!!) to pay bills and other stuff!! (am jealous of him going to work at the moment as you can see!!) - In fact I don't have any responsibility for anything financial whihc is the way I like it - I don't know how much the mortgage is or the bills or anything!!

Pre dh I used to own my own house ands do all the finances.

However am SAHM now and dh usually does the bills etc as we use internt banking - I do it sometimes if he forgets. We have full access to each others money via the internet banking.

I have all the saving in my name though as I don't pay income tax and he can't get his hands on my share portfolio

I just let him get on with it as he is the earner and I am terrible with money - however, turns out he is worse!

dh is the bread winner, but asks me for money! he is pants with it. He doesn't know how much any of our bills are, or what goes in and out. I just sort it and say yes or no when he asks for something.. if not we'd be living in a cardboard box

Bit of a big sigh, to all those of you who choose to stay unaware of what the exact state of your family finances are.
If you DH/DP had a serious accident, died or ran off and left you - it would be another steep learning curve at a time when you least need to worry about these things.
Nobody needs to be hopeless with money, it is just a question of what is coming in, what is going out & what is being tucked away.

agree ks. Isn't there a Russian saying "trust but verify"? It is certainly true for me in areas of finance - though in other areas of our relationship, I am much more relaxed. I never sign anything without reading the small print, even if it something my dh waves under my nose.

Also, what you said about ferretting out the best deal is also true for me: I will find the most cost-effective mortgage, insurance, builders. Leave it to dh and he will just pick the first one out of the Yellow pages. I chose the ISA, Child Trust Fund investment, decide pension investments, responsible for short-term, medium-term and long-term financing planning, organised the will. Not everyone's cup of tea. But I derive great satisfaction from it, even if I don't always made the right choice!

i'm the main breadwinner and the accountant in our house. DH pays in majority of wages and so do i into a joint account every month and i keep an eye on the direct debits, bills, nursery, stuff for DS etc. i am a bit controlling coz DH is crap with money and likes to buy useless gadgets so we either discuss luxuries (at the mo it's a new flatscreen PC monitor)or he buys them out of what's left of his wages. i'm far more sensible but i suppose my money gets frittered on clothes, occassional nights out, magazines and fags so in the end i suppose it balances out. i once left the council tax payments in DH's hands and got a court summons! he moans (and we have had some crackin' rows!)when i put the brakes on buying useless luxuries but then does admit my slight meanness and his slight tendency to overspend balance each other and we never go into debt

saying that, i think our situation is unique to us and based on our personalities, everyone should do what they're comfortable with, i don't think it's wrong to leave it to your man if that's what you're comfortable with and trust him.

Bit out of order re the comment on financial advisors ks so soon after my post...I do know what we earn as a family and have sight of the bank statements...but that's where my interest ends.

Bugsy - re your point about what if dh snuffs it (since I don't know the boring minutiae of our financial affairs), as it happens we've covered this. I will ask a close friend (and fellow financial advisor) to step into the breach and pick things up

IMO, it's one thing to be comfortably off, and relinquish financial control to your partner. Quite another matter if you are struggling financially and expecting one partner to take most of the stress.

It is one thing to be in a position to choose what pensions, savings plans, mortgages and investments you will have, quite another thing IMO to be the one fending off creditors, bialiffs and court orders.

Quite so...

its the other way round in our house .. DH doesn't have the slightest idea what goes on .. all his wages go into our joint account .. I deal with everything .. but then I'm good with money

My dh is like one of those women you're criticising. He has no interest in finances and is lousy at it, and a terrible proscrastinator on some things which is a bad combination with financials... I don't know if he knows how much our mortgage is. He was certainly shown the docs at the time, and he would have read the figures but it wouldn't have meant that much to him, really. I discuss 'broad' financial issues with him (should we spend on this or that?) and I'll let him know when we need to have a frugal few months. He always tells me of large/unusual purchases to check that it's OK (in the sense of we can manage it, rather than my approval per se). Joint bank account, but he has no idea what's in it, never pays bills, and rarely sees statements as I try to reconcile and file bank statements the day they arrive - ie usually sorted before he gets home. They're in a folder marked 'bank statements' in my study, so not hard to find if he wants to see it. He doesn't have a chequebook and runs an extra credit card on my own credit card account, ie I am cardholder.

He's just not interested. Could not be bothered investing time into forcing him to participate in something he doesn't like, is no good at and that I don't mind doing. Would rather invest that in getting him to do things I hate doing myself...

We have an excellent relationship, hide nothing and he has full access if he wants it. He just doesn't want it. Bottom line is, we trust each other.

That's okay ks. I tend to skim read threads too. Sorry to be over reactive!