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Original poster

Why do some women RELINQUISH all responsibility for family FINANCES leaving the control with their Man???

99 replies

drosophila · 16/04/2006 21:20

I know of two women (both are related to me) who have had no idea what was going on financially in their own home until the bailiffs came knocking.

Maybe I am a control freak but I cannot imagine being in a relationship where I do not know what was coming in and to a large extent what was going out.

Both of the women I know were married to self- employed men so it was easier for them to hide the financial mess they were getting into but surely in a relationship finances are an open affair even if you don't have joint accounts. Even after the bailiffs came knocking neither women took an interest in the financial affairs of their husbands.

I know another woman who is the only breadwinner yet her DP decides what the money should be spent on and goes mad if she overspends even slightly. I worry that we have not come very far since the days of women’s lib.

OP posts:
Original poster
drosophila · 17/04/2006 20:08

It seems to me there are many women who hand over the admin side of managing the money to their partners but this does not have to cause a problem. I find the woman who has NO idea what is going on in the family finances a complete mystery as opposed to the woman who would rather not be involved with the filing and such like.

Both of the women I know whose husbands got into so much debt that the bailiffs came calling had to remortgage their houses (one had to remortgage to get 100k and the other 70k) and even now both women have NO idea what is going on. Both I think are afraid that the men will feel emasculated if they started nosing around.

OP posts:
LittleSarah · 17/04/2006 21:11

It is a mystery to me I must admit, am with Winnie on this one...

Sakura · 18/04/2006 03:13

Hi ssd,
I dont bother with the finances, and it is because I am lazy in some respect (although it may also be because my Japanese just isnt too great Grin. Its just like other men leave it to the woman because they can`t be bothered.

But its not because I want to play the "little woman", as you put it, although there may be women out there who are like that. Its just because I trust him, and hes so good with money so if we need something, the moneyS always there. I can`t honestly say it would be if I had control (same when I was single). Thats just a personality trait I have.
If he was controlling with the money, it would be different and I would be very stressed.

nightowl · 18/04/2006 03:38

ex p had my name put onto his bank account. i soon found out what a prat he was with money and i controlled it. (as far as possible, he still went out and spent money we didnt have at times). luckily he never asked for details of my bank account, the one i was saving in slyly for when we split up. (if ever...which we did). he would take the last penny out of my purse some days so i figured i deserved it. i cant imagine not knowing about that side of things, it would worry me stupid.

Tutter · 18/04/2006 06:58

maybe a couple of you can put down your blazing bras. when some of us say that DHs 'do' the finances it's not akin to saying they hide all things financial from us. i have a rough idea of what's in our accounts, how much we owe on our mortgage etc., and if the feeling takes me (it doesn't, very often) i have a look at a bank statement.

maybe it's clearer to say that DH and i are joint treasurers, but that he is also financial controller...?

anniemac · 18/04/2006 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oliveoil · 18/04/2006 10:24

We used to have a joint account and separate private accounts but when we went travelling, we just had the one joint account and didn't change from that when we came back.

My money goes in at the end of the month and I set all the direct debits for all of our bills to go out on the 1st, so my wage is then gone Shock.

I then spend what dh earns if I want to go shopping etc, as does he. We both have similar spending habits so he is not bothered if I spend £30 on some 'crappy cream' (his words) and he can peruse HMV all he wants.

We are moving house this year and I have done all the budgets etc, I sort out insurance and all that stuff, dh just signs where I tell him!

I am a control freak and would no way hand over the financial side.

HappyDaddy · 18/04/2006 11:52

My mate has given all control of finances to his dw. He says that if he hadn't they'd be destitute by now as he's so useless with money.

When I gave my ex freedom of my account she literally spent it all and moaned when we couldn't afford food.

DaddyCool · 18/04/2006 11:54

i'm the same HD. DW does all the finances. i'm just so sick of doing all that rubbish during the day, i don't want to face it when i get home.

i don't buy much stuff either. i don't really care about the money side of things.

bourneville · 18/04/2006 12:09

i am a single mum with a boyf, we have talked hypothetically about what it would mean to live together, so i have thought a little bit about this subject, interesting to read how other people sort it out...
I used to worry that my boyf, who is a very independent person (me too), would be possessive over "his" money etc esp if he was earning more than me, but he agreed when i was clear with him that both our incomes would become "our" money.
The way i would like it to work is for there to be a joint account into which both our salaries would go into. All expenditure to be budgeted (bills, house, food shopping, money for children/child care etc) and managed from that account, and any left over to be divided equally between 2 separate personal accounts by standing order for us to spend individually as we wish. Haven't suggested in such detail to boyf, for those of you with partnerships, can you see that working? I too would NOT relinquish complete control to boyf and tbh it would more likely be me to sort out the nitty gritty as he has little patience with such stuff and has enough of it to do already sorting out his own taxes etc.

Original poster
drosophila · 18/04/2006 14:51

The issue I was drawing attention to is where the (typically) woman has NO idea what is coming in our out. SItuations where one partner does all the admin stuff is NOT the same thing. I just can't understand a woman (or man) not knowing the financial position of their household.

I was really wondering how common this is or is it just strange that we know a few women who have done this.

OP posts:
desperateSCOUSEstrife · 18/04/2006 14:53

either because they are lazy bastards who cant be arsed

or doormats that like to be trod all over

cod · 18/04/2006 14:54

ill be lazy then

ProfYaffle · 18/04/2006 14:58

I'm deffo lazy. DH also read maths at Cambridge so far more able to decipher financial stuff than me and I'm more than happy to let him do it.

It's more a case of each of do what we're good at in terms of household stuff rather than some kind of gender divide.

LadyTophamHatt · 18/04/2006 15:13

I find it so incredibly boring.

I just sign whatever DH asks me to sign and he does it all.

I spend it.

bonkerz · 18/04/2006 15:16

Dh and i have separate accounts. He pays all the bills and mortgage and does the freezer shops, i pay the water bill and do all the food shopping as well as clothing kids etc etc. We both take responsibility for a car each (have 2, i drive his he drives mine!) Works really well for us!

bourneville · 18/04/2006 15:18

oh and just want to say re the nappy thing, i get the thinga bout each partner taking on what they are skilful at or whatever, but i am one of those who got "het up" about Gordon Ramsey refusing to change a nappy. I'm sorry, but, it's one of the unpleasant things every parent has to get used to, and more importantly, what about the mother's need to have some time to herself? Even my boyf (I'm a single mum) has changed nappies and he is always very unwilling but recognises if he wants to help me out he just has to change them! (I'm talking now about if he is babysitting for me).

sunchowder · 18/04/2006 15:27

We have a joint account, we both have our checks automatically deposited and I pay all the bills. I believe my DH used to take care of all of this in his first marriage, but I am a bit controlling, so it has been left to me. All of the bills are paid via my check and his monies go toward all of the day to day food, entertainment and extraordinary expenses during the month. He is aware of what is going on--it is not like he is in the dark about it and he can go to the cash machine whenever he likes to get spending money for the week. It seems to work for us.

Issyfit · 18/04/2006 15:38

We have a joint account and we are both in standard PAYE, big corporate employer type jobs, although I happen to earn more than he does. I have delegated all our financial affairs to DH and by all I mean all. DH opens my payslips (until they went electronic), pays my credit card bills (I don't even bother to look at them) and manages all our household bills, insurance, investments, pensions, mortgage etc. I'm involved in any big "strategic" decisions and DH and I tend to look fairly regularly at where we are with our mortgage, savings and spending, but he does all the detail. Why? If both of us did it, something would probably fall between the cracks. Managing our financial affairs absorbs a good chunk of DH's time, time which I spend doing other stuff that keeps the show on the road. He's way better at this stuff than me. And it's very very boring.

DominiConnor · 18/04/2006 16:28

I've delegated everything to my wife, does that count ? Presumably she's not squirreling it away somewhere.
My very old fashioned view is that I trust her, wouldn't have married her otherwise, and since she's much better at it then me, is an easy decision.

As for Mr. Ramsey refusing to do nappies, I don't have a lot of sympathy. That being said, it could be compensated by him doing more than a "fair share" of something else.
For some reason we've had an influx of large mice from the forest. I deal with that, and although most of my portfolio are "humane" traps, that still involves handling occasional dead and decaying corpses, and getting up at 3AM to hunt down a pair who'd found some conkers to feed upon noisily.
As it happens I do more nappies than DW these days, but I might regard micing as a fair trade.

Blossomhill · 18/04/2006 16:39

Dh earns
I sort out finances and do all spending :) xxx

cod · 18/04/2006 16:42

"we've had an influx of large mice from the forest. I deal with that, and although most of my portfolio are "humane" traps, that still involves handling occasional dead and decaying corpses, and getting up at 3AM to hunt down a pair who'd found some conkers to feed upon noisily.
"

lol

Original poster
drosophila · 18/04/2006 18:25

The two womwn I know trusted their husbands too. I'll say it again it's not the people who simply give over the organising to their partner and are perfectly aware of what goes on financially it's the people who are in the dark about their finances either because they have allowed it to happen or their partners have ensured it.

OP posts:
Tutter · 18/04/2006 20:34

indeed that quote has to be contender for most random MN post of the day Wink

Tutter · 18/04/2006 20:36

don't want to drag thread off in another direction too much, but still don't get the furore about mrs ramsay(ey?) - she doesn't seem too distressed about being the one who looks after the nappies. i think he seems to have a great relationship with his kids. i don't see a strong correlation between poo and love Wink

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