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Original poster

Why do some women RELINQUISH all responsibility for family FINANCES leaving the control with their Man???

99 replies

drosophila · 16/04/2006 21:20

I know of two women (both are related to me) who have had no idea what was going on financially in their own home until the bailiffs came knocking.

Maybe I am a control freak but I cannot imagine being in a relationship where I do not know what was coming in and to a large extent what was going out.

Both of the women I know were married to self- employed men so it was easier for them to hide the financial mess they were getting into but surely in a relationship finances are an open affair even if you don't have joint accounts. Even after the bailiffs came knocking neither women took an interest in the financial affairs of their husbands.

I know another woman who is the only breadwinner yet her DP decides what the money should be spent on and goes mad if she overspends even slightly. I worry that we have not come very far since the days of women’s lib.

OP posts:
cod · 17/04/2006 09:49

re tessa jowel - well its not on that league but he often funds trans atalntic flights out of his own pocket so it s hrd to work out whats oging on

Tutter · 17/04/2006 09:53

haven't read the thread, but don't understnd why this would be abig deal. pre-DH i used to organise my finances to a minute detail - spreadsheets and the lot - but i'm perfectly happy for him to look after that particular aspect of our lives. just like i look after holidays for example. surely it's up to every couple to decide which partner looks after whatever aspect of their lives.

this is similar to people who get het up that gordon ramsay hasb't ever changed a nappy. he and his wife are perfectly happy with their division of resposibilities - no-one else's business as far as i'm concerned.

lockets · 17/04/2006 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ssd · 17/04/2006 09:53

I recently had this conversation with some friends, about who has most "control" of the finances and I was amazed 2 of them siad they hadn't a clue about tai finances in their house. One of them even siad she was a real "girl" and left it all to her dp.Shock

Here we share everything, although I do most of it! TBH I think it's just laziness on the part of the one who takes the least interest, whether it's the man or woman. I'm a control freak when it comes to money and lived myself for years before meeting dh, so controlling the cash comes naturally to me!

ssd · 17/04/2006 09:55

true cod.

I don't like to hear of a man having all the money control, but think it's normal for the woman!!

Didn't know I had such double standards!!Blush

Tutter · 17/04/2006 09:55

ssd Shock no i don't think it's laziness that stops me getting involved - i'm plenty busy with getting on with the rest of our lives!

Tutter · 17/04/2006 09:57

and yet i would be considered prime candidate for being bothered - 12 years in banking and am a complete control freak - but tbh it bores me, and DH is very good at things financial

edam · 17/04/2006 10:04

Aquaintance of mine who is a SAHM told me after the London bombings her dh told her that he'd organised all the financial paperwork and put in in a particular place for her in case anything ever happened to him. Apparently she doesn't have a clue about how much money they've got or where it is or what life insurance he's got. I thought it was rather sweet (the sorting it all out for her). Couldn't live like that myself but did feel a momentary pang at the idea of not having to take any responsibility for all that tedious stuff.

eidsvold · 17/04/2006 10:07

have no desire to deal with it - I do the physical bill paying where it can't be done online but it is his forte. I know the bills are being paid, loan and mortgage are being paid and roughly how much we have in savings but if he wants to do it that is okay. He has been doing it since we had dd1 and started having a joint account.

ssd - I resent your statement regarding laziness - I have a 3yo with sn - I organise all of her therapy, hospital and outpatient appts, kindy and sn kindy things, attend the team meetings and take care of all of that .... as well as care for dd2 and other things like that.

Dh taking care of the finances is one less thing I have to worry about. He really is good at this and so let him do it. That is his contribution ( along with other things to the household)

We both know our budget, financial plans, I have access to all the bank accounts and info if I want it, we discuss huge spenditures ( outside our pocketmoney) and so it works.

For me - whatever works for your family is what is fine. Nothing to do with woman's lib or not. I am better at organising the stuff I mentioned and he is better at the finances.

suzywong you are so right there.

Greensleeves · 17/04/2006 10:07

I think dh and I have the perfect arrangement - I make all the decisions, he does all the donkey work Grin - he does the actual paying of bills, dealing with the bank, setting up direct debits etc, I tell him what to do and when to do it. And if any stiff letters have to be written, I write them.

eidsvold · 17/04/2006 10:08

in fact I know I could do it if I had to - did it prior to being with dh BUT why do it if you don't have to.

suzywong · 17/04/2006 10:10

I'm alwasy right Wink

suzywong · 17/04/2006 10:11

apart from when small boys are nagging me to go on the computer then my spelling goes tits up

Bugsy2 · 17/04/2006 10:20

Surely there is a difference in a couple deciding that one of them will manage the household finances from a drudgery perspective to one of them having control of the finances.
It sounds to me as though most of the posters on here who have no real interest have chosen to "opt out", rather than that their DH/DP has seized control and give them a specific amount of "housekeeping" each week!
As a divorcee, I would say that its a good idea to have a rough idea of what is coming in & going out, and have a sift through the files from time to time. Given the statistics of every third marriage ending in divorce, you never want to be too surprised by your financial situation.

lucykate · 17/04/2006 10:25

i think that some people are good with money, and some people are not good with money. regardless of who earns what, it should be the person who is good with money that is in charge of the finances.

in our house, dh earns the money, but it goes into a joint account which i manage. its not that he's bad with money though, he essentially has 2 jobs so just doesn't have the time.

winnie · 17/04/2006 10:27

Tutter, I think it is a big deal because if one has no financial control, if one doesn't know what is coming in/going out, what savings there are etc, etc in the unfortunate event the relationship breaksdown, or the other party dies the person with no control is left high and dry! Money is power and many women in the past and even now are controlled by money. I have raised my dd to know that she needs to be able to earn enough to keep herself and not be dependent and she should always have 'escape' money. It may seem extreme, it is not a judgement on other peoples way of doing things but imho I see handing over the financial control as makinf myself very vulnerable and very dependent.

Original poster
drosophila · 17/04/2006 11:29

So if you leave everything to your DH and if you suddenly thought you wanted say a new sofa or something fairly big. Would you have any clue whether you could afford it or not? Also if you were bored one day and felt the need to do some figure work would you know where to look to see how you were doing financially.

I think it is fine that one person manages the finances but there should be no secrecy. If having read a thread like this, and knowing that some women have had bailifs knocking on the door,would you be able to check out how healthy your finances were?

OP posts:
lockets · 17/04/2006 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Enid · 17/04/2006 11:33

we have a joint account and morgage account that all bills go out of. I don't have access to dhs private account nor he to mine Wink

SaintGeorge · 17/04/2006 11:38

DH earns, I control, we spend.

He has access to all the accounts but isn't the slightest bit interested in what is going on as long as I make sure he has cash when he wants it.

Blackduck · 17/04/2006 12:45

I find it worrying that women allow their partners full control of the finances - but know there are those that do - a friend has recently been divorced - she wasn't even on the mortgage and she knows that he had shares and stuff which he never declared (hence the reason that despite the fact he's not working he's managed to buy a brand new BMW and a new house...) Essentially she has lost out big time because she didn't know exactly that they had.....
You aren't being a real woman by not knowing and leaving it to your dp/dh - you are being a girl (ie a child!)

ssd · 17/04/2006 13:09

eidsvold, apologies to you. You are obviously in a way different situation to the woman I know who can't be bothered dealing with anything financial and leave it all to their partners. Even though they have plenty of time to get involved they like playing the "little woman" card and sticking their heads in the sand. as usual on this site I was referring to my own experiences, not trying to make a generalization about EVERYONE.This was what I meant as lazy.

So sorry if you are offended.

eidsvold · 17/04/2006 13:17

dros - I have said I can access our accounts online anytime I like. I know what we can and can't afford and what we will be buying when - major decorating and such going on here with the house. I know when our car loan will be paid off, when the credit card is paid off.

Hey even knowing about finances doesn't stop bad things happening. When ex dh left me he stripped our bank accounts and left me with nothing but a mortgage and credit cards to pay ( or so he thought) then cried poor cause he had resigned his job. I was the one looking after bills etc and that did not stop me being ripped off.

Littlefish · 17/04/2006 13:29

My DH is self-employed and until recently paid himself a very low salary. He's always been honest about what he earned (and so have I) so that we could make decisions about our spending based on the true picture. However, we also each have our own private account and neither of us knows how much is in there! We each put an agreed amount each month into a joint account for all household and child expenses. I would absolutely hate not knowing our exact financial position.

My only difficulty comes because I have an amount of savings which came from an inheritance. Is this now "my" money, or "our" money? I'd be really interested to know what you think. DH obviously knows I've got it, and I use it to offset against our mortgage interest, so we are jointly benefitting from it at the moment.

Bugsy2 · 17/04/2006 13:44

Littlefish, I'm not sure what the legal rights are within a marriage but if you were to get divorced - all the money that you both have would be put in the same marital pot and then divided between you - according to who would be housing the children, primary carer etc etc
There can be ways of ring-fencing assets but it is quite tricky. I had an inheritance but it still had to be included in the divorce settlement.

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