Hopefully getting back together...any ideas?

[Benolly]

My DP of 20yrs and I split up nearly 4 months ago, we have 2 DSs 16 and 13.
I moved out after one argument too many but made sure I was still near so I could see the children as much as they wanted. The kids were upset but have been very good and coped as well as they could have. Luckily there are no other parties involved.
I regret leaving and wished I'd tried harder to work things out before taking such a drastic move......blah blah blah
Today we talked and both admitted that we still loved each other and hoped that we could sort it out, but that it would have to right for both of us and not to rush things. We kissed and have now arranged to meet tomorrow and go for a coffee.
Anyone out there who has any advice on what to do when trying to repair a relationship that has broken down so much?

Just take things really slowly. Talk about the things that were wrong in the first place and how you will both work to fix them. Don't tell the kids you are trying again as it may confuse them.
Most of all, if at any point either of you feel it's really still not working, don't be afraid to admit it.

Good luck.

Me and dh split for 6 month when we had been married for 6 years.

We didn't intend to get back. But like you after a heart to heart we realises we still loved each other.

we had lots of discussions. Talked very frankly about why we split. It did us good. There was nothing festering away.

We both made it clear what we wanted from the marriage and took it day by day. 5 years and another dc later we are happier than ever.

Its like a different marriage. We don't argue, we talk and discuss things. We are more open.

We are happier than we ever were before. But we took it slowly and day by day. It was hard but worth it.

Don't rush it. Date, don't move back in too soon, go to relationship counselling.

Talk, talk and then talk some more. Genuinely wish you well and hope you get the outcome you hope for.

We've agreed to just tell the kids that we are now talking to each other, which is something we've not managed to do really till today. Wouldn't want them to get their hopes up.
To hohoho, sounds like a dream! So pleased for you. We didn't have a argument for the first 18months, so we can do it. Agree about taking it slowly. Can't say how relieved I am, as I'd thought I'd ruined any chances of getting back together. I now have something to look forward to!

Not intending to move back straight away, though obviously that is the ultimate hope. Not sure about counselling as went about 15 years ago but am willing to try anything to make it work. Can't explain how much I'm looking forward to spending time talking.

A bad habit of 20 years standing ... which is what you're suggesting the constant arguments are... is not going to disappear quickly, even with counselling. Be especially conscious of trigger words or subjects because they usually result in taking the conversation/argument down a well-worn path. Also be conscious that the solution doesn't end up being you always capitulating. It shouldn't be 'hard work' at all to be civil with your life-partner....

Thanks for the advice everyone. Most of the arguments would end up in us not speaking to each other, which could go on for weeks at a time. I didn't do this to start off but it's such a good weapon I started to do it as well.
I know it'll take months of us working things out but am more than prepared to do that.

Any ideas on what we an do together, something that allows us to enjoy time with each other?

Dancing?

You definitely need to talk about the silent treatment etc so you don't ever go back to that sort of thing. You need to learn good communication. And for goodness sake don't start off by pointing out your partner started it!

Rather than asking MN for ideas on things to do together why not make this the challenge you set yourselves? i.e You come up with some thoughts and get him to do the same. You're more likely to stick with a plan if you own it and you're more likely to own it if you BOTH take the initiative.... not one person (you) making all the running and the other sitting back doing nothing.

good luck OP, I mean that!

just had a 2012 of massive fights, so reading with interest

hope it works out, and agree to go very slow and look for the triggers x

I would second the dancing. Its a fun way to spend time together.

I would definitely not move back in together for a while. Act like your starting from the beginning e.g.. dates etc. to rekindle the magic. Also consider having counselling together to learn how better to communicate a disagreement.

Wishing you all the best, i really hope it works out well for you both.

Still talking, which is good news, though not much and we have been out a couple of times. Once for a coffee and a walk, the other for a meal in the evening. Both were enjoyable but not very relaxing. Got the impression that she wasn't enjoying it that much either. We didn't even talk about our relationship either.
Just wished she'd have enjoyed herself and smiled a bit. Instead we spoke about the kids and our friends, talking about their problems etc. Not the best of subjects really.
Think we both felt uneasy about it and aren't sure what's happening between us. Its not like a new relationship where everything is exciting. Feel very down about it all and we haven't arranged anything further. Would like her to come up with something to do but don't think she will, which was something I used to have a problem with. :(

Both the coffee & walk, and the meal in the evening, meant you HAD to talk about something and there was nothing in particular about where you were that you could talk about. So you ended up talking about the mundane stuff that would have been daily fare when you were still together.

An idea might be to go somewhere & do something that needs you to concentrate on it, so you can get used to having fun while in each other's company & without the stress of having to make small talk. Obviously this needs to be something you both fancy the idea of, and if she won't come up with any ideas of her own then maybe give her a list of a few things for her to choose from. If you do this, be exceptionally careful to NOT to show any preference at all - otherwise she will go for the one she thinks you want.

This is difficult because you've got history together. With the best will in the world, you can't make it 'date nights' where you have fun because the unspoken elephant in the room is 'are we getting back together or divorced'. Until you've discussed that at least to some meaningful degree, having 'fun' is just going to feel forced.

One of you needs to take the initiative and start the discussion. You could agree a pattern where you have a discussion 'date' followed by a fun date where nothing heavy is on the agenda, so that you both know what the score is before you meet up, taking off the pressure or giving advance notice that x night is the night to talk about (just as an example) division of domestic labour, etc.

If you're too passive about this, it will run away from you. As long as you listen to what you get told in response, there is nothing wrong with being proactive about talking.

Why don't you set yourselves a number. Like a number of dates that you will go on before you are allowed to ask 'are we getting back together'
Make it reasonable and in that time don't focus on your relationship but just having fun with a woman you have known for a long time.

Take the pressures off yourselves.
Get to know each other again before you get disheartened that it hasn't all gone to plan.
You have lost each other in a mess and you may just need to find out who you both are again.
Try and do things that you didn't do as a couple as well