Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DP didn't come home - its 7.10am

66 replies

siucra · 30/12/2012 07:17

he has a problem with drink. Once he starts he can't stop. It has been so awful living with that - the stress and strain on me has been incredible. He is trying to cut down by promising to stop the all-nighters, ie passing out on sofa. But he has never not come home before. I hate all this drinking.
How do I 'punish' him? By that I mean, how do I let him know this is totally unacceptable?
He is not - I think - with another woman as he really loves me. We have a Dd aged 4.7.
Any advice? Thank you!

OP posts:

ohcluttergotme · 30/12/2012 07:23

I would get dd ready and go to friends, relatives so that you are not there when e comes home stinking of drink and hungover. I would then wait for him to contact you & tell him you & your dd can not live like this. That unless he is prepared to accept he has a problem with drink & do something about it that you will not be around to pick up the pieces. It is not fair on your dd to see this cycle of drunk/hungover dad. It sounds like you have some hard choices to make. If you can't leave til you know he is home & safe, then I would have mine and dd's bag packed & as soon as he comes in leave. Say I'm too angry to speak to you just now, I'll speak to you tomorrow when your not pissed and hungover then leave. Good luck

FergusSingsTheBlues · 30/12/2012 07:23

I had a bf who was the same, and i swear the more i nagged the more he drank, the later he came home. I understand your worries. Nothing I did changed anything, so have no advice to give apart from your refusal to accept this...be firm. I ran away for the weekend, he tightened up his act a bit. It shocked him, but not enough and i left in the end. sorry youre going through this, its so draining.

susanann · 30/12/2012 07:25

I agree with clutter. Its no place for a child, or for you for that matter. good luck

Original poster

siucra · 30/12/2012 07:31

Thank you so so much for your advice. He is downstairs now. Thank you. Totally at end of tether. The strain of this has been unbelievable. Plus no one knows but me.
Thanks.

OP posts:

VBisme · 30/12/2012 07:35

I'm glad he's home safety, don't try and talk to him until he's sober.
Go out for the day and talk to him either this evening or tomorrow.
He needs to understand what a problem this is.

tribpot · 30/12/2012 07:40

Start by letting other people know. You have nothing to be ashamed of. By suffering in silence and colluding with him in hiding his problem you are (a) not helping him and (b) compounding the stress upon yourself.

I'm afraid it's unlikely that anything you say or do will be enough to make him stop, until he is ready to stop. So you need to be thinking practically about the best way to protect you and your dd. It is always worth a conversation with Al-Anon (don't try and persuade yourself he's not an alcoholic - he is - but the label isn't as important as you accepting that he has a problem with alcohol that you can't solve).

My other recommendation is this book. I read the one for problem drinkers after I quit drinking last year. It is sensible, non-judgemental and wide-ranging in its advice.

Breaking the code of silence is the most important thing you can do for yourself this Christmas. Good luck.

PenisColada · 30/12/2012 07:45

My dh used to do this. I begged and cried and pleaded for him to stop. He did not.

I told him that if he went on a bender I would leave him.

He went on a bender . I took the children and left him for a week. He promised never to do it again.

He did it again a few years later. I took the children and left again. We got as far as seeing solicitors but we are together again.

He does not go out to the pub now. Ever .

You have to make him realise that he will lose his family and he needs to choose which he would like to keep in his life.

PenisColada · 30/12/2012 07:46

I was ashamed and told no one but my friends were really supportive when I told them.

GiveMeSomeSpace · 30/12/2012 08:07

OP I feel for you. It's totally unacceptable. Time for him to make some choices - and if he won't then you'll have to.

If he can't see that he's been totally irresponsible and needs to sort out his issues, then I think you will have your answer.

Good luck

lolaflores · 30/12/2012 08:17

You cannot change him. All the threats in the world are meaningless until you make it clear you will see them through.
Do not attempt to talk to him. Agree with everyone who has said that nagging (which is what he will see it as) makes no impact.
Look after yourself first, let him make up the space between you. This is his problem, so he must find a solution.
Support his efforts to change, do not enable his opportunities to continue being a disruptive influence in your house.

ledkr · 30/12/2012 08:24

My xh did this. The strain was awful. I dreaded social occasions Xmas, birthdays etc. he used to piss or puke everywhere and it drove me mad . I could never relax when he or we went out.
He once left me sat at the hospital with. Ds2 who had had an accident. He didn't come back for the baby so I couldn't stay with ds2.
We split over an affair in the end but during his attempt to justify his behaviour he whined "you used to count my drinks"
I can't tell you the relief of being with a man who can go out and behave normally.

DorisIsWaiting · 30/12/2012 08:37

^ This^

He is an alcoholic whether he or you see it as such it is very much what he is. Drink is affecting his life and relationship with you and he is still proritising it. It is very unlikely he will manage to stop this without help.

Original poster

siucra · 30/12/2012 08:38

Thank you all. He came home and was still drunk. It's amazing, really. I am going to take myself and Dd off for the day. He is asleep, of course. It makes me sad for him (as well as angry).

OP posts:

ohcluttergotme · 30/12/2012 08:47

And sad for your dd What must be going through her little mind. How is her relationship with her Dad. And sad for you that now you have to bugger off for the day and he gets to sleep off his hangover in peace. I hope that your situation improves OP. I was in a relationship like this with my now 13 year old dd's dad. He wasn't willing to accept that he had a problem so I threw him out. Best decision I ever made. I am now married to a man who puts me & our children before alcohol & I'm not on edge as to how a night out is going to go.

Soila · 30/12/2012 08:57

Cannot say more than what ohcluttergotme and tribpot have said.

tribpot · 30/12/2012 09:29

Don't feel sad for him. He has made a choice. You need to think what is the right choice now for you. And having to go out for the whole day just to get away from him is not viable in the long term.

fortyplus · 30/12/2012 09:38

Alcoholism is an illness. If he's an alcoholic rather that just some twunt who goes out and gets rat-arsed once a week then he needs love and support to deal with it.

I've had several alcoholic friends and inevitably it takes time to face the problem. If you love him then you can't just heap blame at his door and expect him to change overnight. Even stopping drinking isn't necessarily a 'cure'. You have to address the behaviours that cause it. AA talk about 'the thinking behind the drinking'. There's usually low self esteem/self loathing lurking somewhere.

I have one friend who hasn't had a drink for 8 years but still exhibits 'alcoholic' behaviour.

Clarabell78 · 30/12/2012 09:41

My biggest piece of advice to you is don't let your child grow up in an alcoholic home. My father is/was an alcoholic and only stopped drinking when I was 32. As a result it has left me with multiple issues mostly revolving around my own relationships with men. Althoughy father was never violent his other alcoholic behavior damaged myself, my 2 sisters and my mother in irreparable ways. Remove yourself or remove him from the home until he is clean and sober. It's not worth the wreckage it will leave behind and the pieces that your child will be picking up for the rest of their life.

fortyplus · 30/12/2012 09:45

Btw some of the other comments on this thread are perfect illustrations of why alcoholics prefer to remain in denial. It's seen as shameful. An alcoholic can't just get a grip and choose not to drink. Or rather - they can deny themselves a drink for a while but their thought process will still drive them obsessively towards the next bender.

He has to face up to this. OP you would do well to contact Al-anon - they support relatives/friends of alcoholics.

Alcohol is such a destructive force and yet people getting blind drunk is seen as funny and to be encouraged. Most of those I know who have admitted an alcohol problem were always seen as great fun, the life & soul of the party etc. Actually the ones who've survived still are despite staying off alcohol! Unfortunately three others managed to drink themselves to a premature death.

lolaflores · 30/12/2012 09:47

Disagree with illness analogy. Just do. If it is an illness, why address behaviour? If it is an illness, why does loathing and self hatred come into it....surely it just "IS"?
Love cannot overcome alcoholism. Only the drinker can.
Only the drinker can accept responsibility

lolaflores · 30/12/2012 09:49

forty is it an "illness" or a *though process"?
Make yer mind up!
AA clap trap

ohcluttergotme · 30/12/2012 10:02

forty don't think any of the comments said for the OP's dp to "get a grip" Think all the comments have been helpful, honest and looking at it from all sides.

Bunbaker · 30/12/2012 10:10

Don't pick up the pieces after him. If he falls with his face in the dog bowl or whatever leave him there. By helpinh him get to bed etc you are enabling his behaviour. Ditto other comments about changing his behaviour. Nothing you can do will change him. It has to come from him.

SIL's excuse for an arse a husband is an alcoholic and her life lurches from misery to misery. Quite frankly the best thing you can do for a hopeful future is to leave him or kick him out.

Clarabell78 · 30/12/2012 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Letsmakecookies · 30/12/2012 10:22

You've have some sound advice and no one living in the situation cares much whether alcoholism is a disease or thought process. It damages families. Your thinking needs to stop focusing on his needs and onto your own. You have one life. You child has one childhood.

I lived in a marriage like this. And I wish when these situations first started that I had packed my and DCs bags, left and made him face the consequences of his behaviour - because it only got a lot worse, and he knew I would stay. What I would recommend is not keeping it secret (alcoholism thrives on secrecy), think about your own boundaries and decide what you are willing to put up with and set down consequences (you are allowed to do this), Al Anon can help you get your head round that, don't enable him (don't make excuses for him).

Eventually (after therapy - would recommend that too) I was honest with myself about what I could and could not live with. I could not see myself living like that, I felt my self esteem was floor bottom and despised myself and my life, I had met a lot of adults who had grown up in alcoholic households and knew I could not do that to my children. I set down boundaries and eventually left when he ignored them.

It was the hardest thing to do, stopping trying to save the marriage, but the primary relationship in our marriage was my ex and a glass of beer.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread