Dating - where am i going wrong and do i just resign myself to being alone.

[notsuchaspringchicken]

Having just spent my 5th christmas on my own, being on my own forever seems more and more likely.

Im 34. Im divorced and have one child. I work, if part time. I have interests and hobbies and am not unattractive, if on the curvey side.

I go out, though its more meals and activities than clubbing, which i hate. I have not had one sniff of interest from any man in the 5 years ive been single.

Ive done online dating for years and never got anywhere with that either.
Having had a break from it i signed up to several sites yesterday, and ive had no messages, not even from the free sites where its known for being a bit of a meat market, where a while back i was beating them off with a stick. Any views i have had have been from men over 40 who look like there are actually closer to 50. Its depressing.

I dont understand where im going wrong and how come i seem to be so unattractive to men. A new girl started at work, shes not pretty, but is thin. And is just 20. Within 2 days she had been asked out by 4 men. I dont get if its my age, or the fact im a size 16, or am a lone parent? or just not what men want????

Ive read through the first 100 or so messages. And I reckon you are just too full of how wonderful you are. Honestly you ask 'where am I going wrong' and you systematically reject every suggestion , are very defensive, and post photos to show how attractive you are. I expect you are just too arrogant.

learn some humility and try again ...

I think you're lovely, OP. Strangely I can see why people are suggesting you come across as arrogant, and that that might put men off. My attitude is similar. Take No Shit; set your own personal bounderies; nurture self respect. If men aren't comfortable with that, they are not men who should be in relationships. Particularly with you.

Advice - not much unfortunately. You're pretty (and your daughter looks adorable), you seem intelligent and successful. The one thing I picked up on - are you quite picky? Not suggesting you lower standards, but take another look at what your criteria are, and which of those aren't quality-based, but more quirks? i.e. I used to have a penchant for men who played stringed instruments - don't ask, the folly of youth. Perhaps yours are to do with age (older or younger!), hobbies, or whatever, but looking outside your particular box might be a thought. Just a vague thought.

I think you misinterpreted what the previous poster meant by arrogant OP. nobody is suggesting that you shouldn't insist on being treated with respect by men.

Having taken a peek at your photos I think you look very attractive in the first photo from the waist up but it looks like a very short slip dress that you are wearing which imo isn't a helpful look. Sorry if this offends but you seemed to want to identify what potential problems might be.
I'm not a fan of the second photo either as I think you look prettier in the first one.

the dress wasnt short, it was just above knee lenght, i think its because i was crouched down.

I am going to be defensive when the advice is to overhall parts of me that dont need overhauling. I dont agree with having to pretend to be something im not to ' catch' a man, and can only see that long term, that would lead to an unhappy me, which is not something i want at all.

If thats arrogant, then so be it :)

and yes, i do think im pretty great. its taken a long time to feel that way. Im sure if my self esteem was in tatters, the advice would be to be single and work on that until i felt good about myself........ cant win really, can you. I dont harp on about how good i think i am, im a bit self deprivating in real life and am the first to make jokes at myself.

I could maybe re look at quirks i like, because i do have some, and might be guilty of looking for those, when really they are by the by and not important at all.

i go to lots of gigs and festivals, its not worked so far, im not going to stop going though as i love it. Im going to work more on local pubs i think.

and lemontree, i posted pics of myself, as i was being told that making a little effort with make up and hair goes a long way.
i do do those things, they arent an issue at all. I posted pics to demonstrate that. Not be be arrogant, not because i think im think im stunning, or anything else that this might be being misinterpreted as.
Mind you, ive been told in the same thread that i have a negative attitude and need to think more of myself, just shows that people view things differently.

Please! You don't sound arrogant. Ignore the haterz. The sad truth is that almost all men are lame, selfish, uncouth misogynists whose mental age is stuck at 13 and who are used to getting away with being awful simply because they happen to have been born with a penis. I blame the patriarchy, innit.

By the way, when I did internet dating I got a cheap PAYG sim card so I had a separate phone number to give out - I would never give an internet man my real number - and I also used a separate email address. I think it's very unwise to give someone your real number until you have met them several times and are confident they aren't a weirdo/pervert/stalker. Dating websites, by their very nature, objectify the people who use them, and this can affect how said people treat each other.

Random thought, but might there be single dads at your DD's school or at any activities she does?

OP was "where am I going wrong" just a rhetorical question so you could offload? Nothing wrong if so, but get thee to the dating thread. It's full of women who know full well what kind of stunted weirdos lurk on dating sites. Otherwise I think well-meaning people will continue to try and answer it.

Some of the posters here seem to have a blissfully naive rosy view of the dating world, or are prepared to compromise huge amounts in pursuit of a man. Nothing wrong with not compromising, but as I said above that can only be done in the understanding that it will likely lead to fallow spells.

OP Haven't read all 8 pages- life's too short!

BUT a few thoughts based on your initial posts.

Flame me if you want- but " a bit curvy" and a size 16 may be too curvy for lots of men. Yes, I know you have a lovely personality but TBRH men are attracted initially to how a woman looks. If you are 6 ft then size 16 might look great- if you are 5 ft and a bit you will look overweight. Sorry if this is not what you want to hear but you did ask.

The other thing is- do you give out " available" signals without being overtly " Come on"?

If you appear disinterested, arrogant, head down looking at your desk or the floor, then you won't look like the sort of person men want to approach.

When i was single which was decades ago, I met men easily- some through work, but others through either friends of friends, or sports. Joining something like a tennis club, golf, squash etc etc where you meet men and women is the way to go- if you aren't sporty then substitute a drama group, choir, volunteering , etc for the above.

In other words, get out more and make your social cirle wider without looking for " a date". I'm sure you'll be more successful.

You misinterpreted what I said, which doesn't matter what you posted afterwards really spoke for itself.

in your eyes everyone else is the problem, 60 dates? woah so you have no problem attracting its the keeping that is an issue, fair enough if they are not for you but then maybe changes could work,

I mean I envy people like you who can just attract anybody, I'm on the opposite side I have only ever been with one person, I look like uglys favourite child...but I have a really nice, agreeable personality and that what keeps.
So I'm just following logic lines here if you can nab but can't find someone to settle on they may be arseholes but equally you must flawed in your approach somewhere.

There is a line between confidence/arrogance, and dismissing someone based on text speak is ridiculous btw. You seem ok looks wise and from what you get you get a lot of sleezy attention, so this 'I'm wonderful' attitude is still attracting shitty men, being a bit self deprecating shows humility which is attractive. being confident is owning your flaws as well as your attributes.

I dismiss based on text speak as well. OP is by no means alone... But then I'm single as well, I'm obviously far 2 picky. LOL

Having healthy self esteem is not the same as being arrogant- I am amazed that based on what the op has said that she's been accused of that. Why should she pretend she's rubbish at things if she isn't?

Hi OP, my suggestion is to make sure you capitalise your i when you refer to yourself and to ensure your sentences start with a capital letter. You can refer to yourself as smart and outgoing till the cows come home, but if you don't get basic grammar right you're going to look a bit thick to all but the most undiscerning gent.

I dismiss on text speak.

And YerMaw "keeping" isn't really the issue either if OP is the one doing the rejecting. The issue seems to be that she's not meeting and attracting the kind of men she is interested in. Which raises the questions of whether she needs to be looking in new places; has unreasonable expectations of the type of man she does like; or just needs to bide her time and carry on having a great life by herself in the meantime.

OP, you sound just fine to me. I too would rail at some of the advice on here . I think a few posters have hinted/suggested as to the real reason you're struggling. Age and having children. It's not that you're old, it's that most decent men are starting families by the time they're in their mid-30's. Men still single are, largely, going to be after eternal youth or be a bit weird. The pool of available, decent men is going to be small. If you were 8-10 years older or younger I'm sure you would have found many more men by now.

I do think you should be a bit more open to dating older men - there's only 6 years difference between DH and me but that pushes him into the 40-50 bracket.

Well fair enough but its still pretty shallow, tbh.

she's rejecting the ones that date her but how many are turning away due to over confidence/arrogance? you not gonna know are you?.

If you have to tell people how amazing you are its generally because they wouldn't know otherwise.

What? The OP is narrowing the age range? Barmy. I had a long relationshipwith a man 15 yrs older.

IMO at 34 you should be able to attract men aged say 27/28 to mid 40s . Easily.

To a degree though, age is an issue. Men around your age might be thinking about 'settling down' having children, they might already have children and not want more. (Shrugs) Do you want more children OP?

Ooh yermar, honestly if you haven't done online dating, you can't imagine how soul destroying the text speak messages are: lol u r hot etc etc

Good advice from lebfg.

I'm a long time lurker but this thread has forced me out of the shadows and made me feel compelled to post.

I have no advice on the dating front, having been very happily single for years.

However, this thread has depressed the feck out of me in terms of how posters have reacted to the OP's confidence and high self-esteem. God almighty.

I think you sound bloody great OP, and I totally agree with the previous poster (sorry, I don't recall who it was) who commented on how there are endless threads on here from women who are suffering in bad relationships with awful men and putting up with all kinds of shit and losing their identities in an attempt to please a bloke.

All the 'change yourself to attract a man' advice has shocked and depressed me. Because it's not about the OP making positive changes, like improving her self-esteem and learning to value herself, it's all about compromising herself. What the feck is the point of attracting a man to someone who isn't really you anyway?

Are we so unused to women having confidence that we take healthy self-esteem for arrogance? If women aren't putting themselves down, we start telling them off for being too full of themselves? Christ, how depressing. I know I keep saying 'depressing', but that's because it's just so frigging depressing.

I'd say you're just fine - more than fine - as you are, OP, and the best thing you can do is just carry on being confident and happy and maybe you'll meet someone who's worth it, and maybe you won't. But to me, that's a much better plan than changing yourself in order to meet someone who's attracted to the false version of yourself. Women have been doing that for far too long.

And with that I'll crawl back under my stone. Merry Christmas.

Applauds oldminnie

I think it's an age range thing too. I can't remember exactly what age range the OP said she was looking for, but men in their mid to late 30s may well be wanting to start a family with someone without any 'baggage' from previous relationships - i.e. someone with no children. Younger men, in mid-late 20s, may not want to get involved with someone who's tied down by a child. Older men, late 30s to mid 40s, may be more willing to accept someone with young DC already, especially as they may have DC themselves.

So OP if you're the one who is rejecting the men who you've dated - what were generally the reasons? Nose picking? self obsession? Weird flatulent noises? I read through the thread last night and didn't see the reason why you're rejecting them (sorry if I missed it)

As others have said, it's not that you can't get dates obviously, so glamming yourself up with a fake tan and lashes is just pretending to be someone you're not. You're happy in yourself, and deservedly so. It's not that you can't get a first date, or even a relationship, it's just that they don't generally pan out into longer term things, and that seems to be your choice.

So.. why?

OP- did you post about this a few months back? It all sounds so familiar. I won't out you but there was an almost identical post from a professional woman your age with a DD who posted a pic of herself and said the same things as you- started off saying she couldn't find a man then it turned out she had loads of single dates but no follow up. Is this you again?

Do you live in a small area? I think it's always going to be harder to find someone if you do.

FWIW I think it's harder to find decent single men than the other way round. I know several attractive, funny, slim, intelligent etc single women in their 30s, but I don't know any single men that fit the same criteria (sorry!).

A good friend of mine has tried lots of internet dating site and has just met weirdos and unsuitable people. I don't think it's her, she's really lovely, I genuinely think she's just not met a decent guy yet. Hopefully she will, and you will too.

I think it's a numbers game, and putting yourself out there is all you can realistically too. Definitely don't change your personality to make yourself more acceptable to men, that's ridiculous.

Honey it can be a long slog , but with determination on your part you will meet some one or a few guys they are out there , you just have to sort the wheat form the chaff if you see what i mean, and be proactive take the intiative , I find men quite like to be approached on the online dating thing I mean , keep it light and I am sure you will strike gold, good luck to you!.

i have been. i went with friends... it was ok, but full of old men and 40 year old divorcees.

OP you said the above a few pages back. Honestly- it took my breath away.

Just who are you excluding?

Are you looking for a man who is exactly 34? Or a year or so older or younger maybe?

if so you are being incredibly ageist.

Get real.

At 34 you should be looking at men your age, a few years younger if they are mature, and up to 10 years at least, older than you are.

Let's face it- men aged 30-35 are likely to be single if they are gay, weird, commitment phobes, divorced and looking for " fun" for a while- and there may be the odd one who has not met Miss Right.

You meanwhile are 34- still fertile to give a man a baby- but you have the baggage of a child and some men ( don't agree but there you go) will not want to be a step-dad, and you are divorced.

REALISTICALLY- you are going to attract older rather than younger men.

If you are focusing on meeting men in their early 30s and excluding anyone older it seems to me to show a certain immaturity on your part, because for whatever reason you are pre-judging people simply by age.

I have a friend who is late 40s and she has just married for the 1st time, a man aged 70.

Age is just a number- and you'd do a lot better to have a more open mind.