Dating - where am i going wrong and do i just resign myself to being alone.

[notsuchaspringchicken]

Having just spent my 5th christmas on my own, being on my own forever seems more and more likely.

Im 34. Im divorced and have one child. I work, if part time. I have interests and hobbies and am not unattractive, if on the curvey side.

I go out, though its more meals and activities than clubbing, which i hate. I have not had one sniff of interest from any man in the 5 years ive been single.

Ive done online dating for years and never got anywhere with that either.
Having had a break from it i signed up to several sites yesterday, and ive had no messages, not even from the free sites where its known for being a bit of a meat market, where a while back i was beating them off with a stick. Any views i have had have been from men over 40 who look like there are actually closer to 50. Its depressing.

I dont understand where im going wrong and how come i seem to be so unattractive to men. A new girl started at work, shes not pretty, but is thin. And is just 20. Within 2 days she had been asked out by 4 men. I dont get if its my age, or the fact im a size 16, or am a lone parent? or just not what men want????

i have been. i went with friends... it was ok, but full of old men and 40 year old divorcees.
You know what, id bloody love it if i went to one or anything for that matter, and it was full of great, fun people. i do go to stuff, im the enternal optomist, but it rarely seems to be the case.
I joined a social group in my area. it had 2 men in it, both who i had rejected online dating. and then 70 or so women, all fresh out of marriages, most attempting to be orange and attract a man, all moaning about the lack of men joining the socials, and trying to organise ' manly' activities to attract them, like bowling i dont fit in with that.

I agree Sailorsgal I made friends with a couple of women from salsa dancing (and also ceroc dancing), and the women were of a rather higher standard than the men. But the men...they weren't the sort of men I would choose to socialise with in real life. Some of them were fairly pleasant, but clearly using the dancing as an excuse to touch women other than their wives in an acceptable form. I found them either annoying or creepy. Some of them were just gropers. You're not telling me that middle aged men suddenly develop an interest in for the purity and beauty of the motion of dance?? And boy, does the difference in numbers between men and women give some really very ordinary men ideas of attractiveness above their natural entitlement!

Oh yes, and MrsMargos comment reminded me, dancing is all about letting the man lead, cue endless repititive smutty references to letting men take the lead for once throughout the night.

I find it amusing/depressing that not wanting to date an unemployed guy counts as "gold digging". Does badger assume all single women are unable to earn their own living and are just prowling the bars looking for a man to write cheques for them? Perhaps it's more about dating someone we are equal to, have something in common with and can split a bill with?

I also met dh online. I agree with the previous poster that luck and both been in the right place/ right time mode. Brings to mind the Sex in the City episode when Miranda says that guys have to have their light on.

i do agree mrsmargo. and tend to take that approach myself now, i let them do most of the legwork, while being encouraging and nice ( if i am interested)

OK, holding out for the Porsche-driving millionaire who not only looks like [insert fit sleb name of choice] but is sweet-natured, honest and happy to do his share of the housework might be setting your sights a bit high unless you, too, are a millionaire filmstar lookalike with a perfect temperament. Really beautiful, wealthy, successful, charming, goodnatured people are unlikely to be on dating sites because they can generally get dates/sex/partners whenever they want.

However, it's not unreasonable to refuse to date anyone who smells/is dishonest/lives by petty crime/has a face like a welder's bench.

Ok I could have gone out with a charming very well off man recently but he had BAD HAIR ....now THAT is shallow!!!

SGB have you been dipping your toes in my pool?

i think sgb has some kind of secret dating pool - please share sgb, its mean not too :)

Have you tried speed dating? Massively fun if you take a couple of mates along. I am 34 and just married, I met dh when I was 32 on a blind date set up by a couple of members of our respective families, another good idea to get family/friends on the case!

there isnt any speed dating in my area, ive looked already. i dont live in a big city.

34- you are a young woman! You make it sound like its all over for you. You look lovely in your photos.
The only advice I have is that single men do go to bars, that's where single girls go too. . Think what type of man you want and where does he go? And you go there, mountain bike club or whatever. Join the rugby club as a volunteer.

I also think you should mention to people you would like a boyfriend and hold a few dinner parties, inviting new friends with new interests.

In which case, why dont you start one! make money and meet single men at the same time!

Sgb, millionaire and share of housework?
Surely pay for housework?

Otherwise what's the point of being a millionaire?

I am thinking of joining The Air Guitar Players Appreciation society or or The Odd Hair Club. Used to be Hunt Sabbers when I was younger ..oh I dunno Vegetarian Soc?

CND???To 80s...

Ok, first I should say that I work at a gym as instructor. As a result I see, and talk with, many many women who have separated. It is often what causes them to join a gym in the first place, I. E., losing weight, meeting people, etc.

As a result I have people hitting on me regularly, mostly middle age males, but the occasional middle age female too. So it's a great place to meet people, but a lot of the people you'd not be interested in for a relationship (I confess I met DH here!).

Friends, friends of friends, seems to work better for meeting people than most fitness or dance clubs; at least based on what I've seen.

Op. roughly where are you?

I am 34 and have interest from much YOUNGER men. Don't let age be a barrier op. Get out there and follow YOUR interests.

I think suggestions that the OP should lose weight, spraytan and false eyelash herself up to get a bloke are nonsense.

1. She is absolutely fine as she is :)

1. I lost 5 stone last year have since put a lot of that back on. I fake tan, I own more pairs of false eyelashes than anyone I know. I wear high heels and am often described as glamorous. After losing all that weight, was I inundated with dates? Was I turning men down? Not in the slightest. I have been single since the end of 2008, and in those 4 years have only got beyond a 1st date with 1(!) man (and that was in October this year). I've turned down a couple of others. The rest (30 maybe, who knows?) I never heard from again after date 1.

So size makes sod all difference. To further prove the point, I have an old friend who is short (under 5ft), and generally hovers around a sz 16-18. She almost never wears make up, and usually dresses very casually. She is getting married next year to someone she met through OD. Prior to him, she had several longterm/short term relationships also through OD, and has only ever met 1 man who she didn't see more than once!

RL is better than OD. But only if you're interested in cycling, or rock climbing or mountain biking or yoga. If like me your interests are shopping, TOWIE and wine, the chances of ever meeting anyone are miniscule.

Erm, Could you come across as a little *ahem, arrogant?

just something I picked up from your posts.

I'm not trying to be harsh just offering another POV.

Do you know what, im sure thats it!

Last night i was chatting to a man on match, graduate degree, seemed nice, said he was looking for a relationship etc. He asked for my number, which i gave him. Then the texts asking my boob size, if i had a shaved fanjo, and the size of my bum started. I humoured him and made up shit. To which he told me he was ' almost tempted to visit me'
But yes, i can now see its my fault for being too arrogant.

I was also asked out by a man that types in text speak with no punctuation at all and wants to take me to see a film and then see what happens. If the text speak wasnt bad enough, hes not even asked my name nor anything about me. Again,i can see how its MY fault for being too arrogant or not thin enough.

The ' hai sexi', ' you lot hot' ' inane compliments' that i havent replied too.... probably my fault for being too up my own arse to give them a chance....

fucks sake.
Im sorry, but damn. I was in an abusive marriage, all my pervious relationships prior to that were abusive. Its taken hell and all work to get my self esteem up, to be confident to know my own mind and know i dont have to accept shit. That my views count and dont have to be discounted in order to keep people happy.
And i get told it must be my fault because im arrogant?

I have a daughter. I would far rather she was accused of being arrogant that put up with any kind of shit from men/ women. If thats the kind of message we are still telling women, then no wonder women stay and put up with all kinds of shit, to their own detriment.

ike I reckon something like Transition Towns or anti-cuts groups? Lots of men reminiscing about the days when they had dreadlocks AND chained themselves to trees!

OP, I'll add my voice to all those who say you're doing absolutely fine. 2 relationships in a year and loads of dates? You're the one doing the selecting- you're the one doing the rejecting- it's going to happen for you, hopefully soon.

Now punch me.

To be fair, if you ask 'where am I going wrong' you are likely to get some suggestions relating to yourself. I think you seem nice.

FWIW I reckon you need to look in other places. Online dating doesn't sound like any fun at all. Gigs with mates, festivals, football, and yy to making it clear to everyone mates that you are looking.