Dating - where am i going wrong and do i just resign myself to being alone.

[notsuchaspringchicken]

Having just spent my 5th christmas on my own, being on my own forever seems more and more likely.

Im 34. Im divorced and have one child. I work, if part time. I have interests and hobbies and am not unattractive, if on the curvey side.

I go out, though its more meals and activities than clubbing, which i hate. I have not had one sniff of interest from any man in the 5 years ive been single.

Ive done online dating for years and never got anywhere with that either.
Having had a break from it i signed up to several sites yesterday, and ive had no messages, not even from the free sites where its known for being a bit of a meat market, where a while back i was beating them off with a stick. Any views i have had have been from men over 40 who look like there are actually closer to 50. Its depressing.

I dont understand where im going wrong and how come i seem to be so unattractive to men. A new girl started at work, shes not pretty, but is thin. And is just 20. Within 2 days she had been asked out by 4 men. I dont get if its my age, or the fact im a size 16, or am a lone parent? or just not what men want????

[orangeandlemons]

...and IME women quite often have a lot more to offer a relationship than men. The amount of men I dated who still lived at home! It was unreal..........

[orangeandlemons]

So it was OK to use her for a free shag then?

[SevenSnapespearesSwimming]

Do you think there is any compromise on this springchicken? Do you have a 'want' list and you might be able to let a couple of points go? For instance, I don't especially want to date someone in their fifties, don't really find men shorter than me attractive, but if it's the 'right' person can let the work status go if it's a temporary thing (I work full time have three children to support sinle handed, add a non working bloke into that equation, I'll probably feel resentful if it goes on too long...)

Could you maybe write down your top ten or twenty 'wow' things for a potential partner and then sleep on it and maybe cross out five? The problem (one of many!) with Internet dating is if someone is truthful, we tend to look at the one 'deal-breaker' in a sea of potential greats...eg, smashing profile, witty, charming, he likes Sci-fi/salsa/Plantagenet history too! amazing photos. Oh. He's a couple of years older than I think is acceptable/smokes/collects eggcups...

[badgeroncaffeine]

Sex isn't something that is charged for other than by prostitutes...are you having trouble getting this orangeandlemons?

[LessMissAbs]

Honestly OP, I think its the online dating thats the problem. Its full of awful men that no-one else wants or players/timewasters/serial daters, with about 1% being decent. When I was single, I tried it briefly and found it much worse than real life for getting dates. Don't hold out your hopes for salsa dancing either - I tried that too and it was just like an online dating scene transferred to real life - full of older men looking to cheat on their wives/get attention/serial date. Just dire.

Sports clubs, mountain biking, hill walking, seem to be much better.

[TurnipCake]

"...and IME women quite often have a lot more to offer a relationship than men"

That has been my experience too. My single male friends seem to have the higher expectations though

[orangeandlemons]

It appears he was using her for sex and sponging off her. So should she just do it for his benefit? What was she getting out of it if he was using her? Or is this expecting something in return and therefore means paying for it

[notsuchaspringchicken]

i dont see sex as something to be paid for in any way shape or form. i like sex a lot. I dont see it as sometihng to give or hold over men.
but i do expect it to be a two way thing, and then one i was seeing, who saw fit to go out with his mates, not invite me, come round to mine at the end of the evening, get laid and then get breakfast in bed the next day, as a waste of space, and i do deserve more than that.

i would rather be single than accept that, and thats probably why ive been single for so long, because i wont accept that.

i dont even have a long list of things i want or that he has to be, i dont think people work like that. but job/ car/ not living at home and social skills are things i just cant comprimise on, and dont see why i should. these are surely basic things for a mid 30's man.

[sailorsgal]

I have to disagree about salsa dancing. Not a meat market at all! Lots of different ages and backgrounds. Even though I am married now I still go. I always find people friendly and normal.

[LessMissAbs]

Perhaps it was just the city I live in sailorsgal but it really was dire for meeting eligible men. There was hardly a single one under 50, the two that were had dated their way round most of the pretty girls and really knew how to lap up attention. Apart from that it was mainly married men wanting to flirt with other women or men with no social skills. I got some wierd retired man stalking me, tracked me down to my work and found out my email address, and the organisers would not do anything about him and I gave up.

[ike1]

yoga??

[asfarasitgoes]

As other posters have said, you sound a bit set in your ways. Have you thought that this might be putting men off?

[notsuchaspringchicken]

im not set in my ways, im sorry, im just not. Im the most easy going, relaxed person there is. I cant see why im being thought of as set in my ways.
I only discounted the fake tan thing, and the personality thing, as i know those arent issues.

Im open to any other ideas.

[sailorsgal]

LessMissAbs thats a shame about your experience but I have danced in quite a few places and loved it for the fact I could go by myself and not feel threatened. Slimeballs everywhere though.

[sailorsgal]

ike1 As a yoga teacher I quite agree.

[SevenSnapespearesSwimming]

absoutely yoga. Fit as hell, remarkably bendy and you've already got the involuntary carting issue out of the way.

I think a bit of it is the time ofnthe year as well. Kids going off to ex partners, all the adverts are full of women wearing themselves ragged to make Xmas happy couples, the conspiracy of not being a real or full person less you are half of something else is very seasonal. Still, it's almost over. Then we have valentines day to look forwards to...

OP, nothing wrong with you. Nothing wrong in liking sex. Don't compromise you to be in a relationship, it seems you don't do that anyway; I think the only thing to do is keep on hoping or drop a bunch of IQ points, slap on some tinted moisturiser and giggle at cocklodgers. If you're not willing to compromise your principles to be with someone that you migh mt like that much really, then you will have moments of self doubt or disillusion with the dating world. That's fine and human and a good things think compared to being uncomfortable with yourself.

[SevenSnapespearesSwimming]

at carting... farting involuntary carting sounds less embarrassing and rather good fun.

[stubbornstains]

"Lawks-a-mussy! How did I come to find myself on this rustic cart with yonder smock-wearing peasant? Was it the tequila slammers? Hello Dobbin!"

[JulietteMontague]

I think those of you who think Springchicken has some sort of personality/body/style/attitude problem just don't get it. The online dating successes are the ones you hear about. We all know someone who knows someone who met someone on the first date etc. It is very easy to get a date, it is not easy to get a quality date and this is what Springchicken, me and others who are still at it are looking for.

How many times do we hear on MN watch the red flags, don't settle, you don't need man to complete you, better to be single that put up with a twunt. Above all, know who you are, have your inner confidence and you will find someone you deserve.

Except when a woman comes on here and epitomises exactly that, knows her worth and likes herself as she is. She gets told to loose weight, get a fake tan and eyelashes, be more amenable and stop knowing her own mind being set in her ways .

Springchicken you sound lovely, I suspect you are scaring some men off but you wouldn't want those ones anyway. When you do finally meet someone who appreciates you, however many that takes, he is not going to be average is he .

[MariahScarey]

I'm sorry. SALSA DANCING? To find a normal man ?!

[MariahScarey]

I'd get mates to have parties and invite lots if people . Trust them. Even if mr right isn't there you might meet his mate etc eye.

It's all through people you know

[notsuchaspringchicken]

juliette - thank you :)
very, very much.

and no, he wont be.
:) he will be as awesome as me ( despite being too fat, not orange or giggly enough)
if im scaring off some for being myself, then frankly they need to man up, and arent for me anyway. I need someone with confidence, passion, something about them. A shy, quiet, reserved man is not going to be for me. And to those that say im stuck in my ways, ive tried dating that type too. it doesnt work.

and no, salsa dancing is not going to find me a decent man. come on, really?
it will be full of over 50's slime ball men, trying to pick up the mid 30's divorcees who have been told by well meaning friends that salsa dancing is the place to find men.

[sailorsgal]

If you have never been to a salsa club then you would be very surprised. I know many people who have formed very good relationships/friendships there. Don't have a closed mind as it limits one's meeting potential.

[SevenSnapespearesSwimming]

Salsa! Salsa! Salsa! Salsa! Go on springchicken

Salsa!

[MrsMargoLeadbetter]

OP - you are indeed attractive and come across well in your posts. Sorry that you find yourself in your situ.

I have a DH who I met online.

What astounded me about online dating was how it seemed to bring out the "traditional" roles in men as I think that is how they liked it (yes sweeping generalisation I know). They liked the doing the chasing, didn't like you to offer up too much info about yourself at first etc.

In fact a friend and I came up with our own set of "The Rules" which we were going to start following (don't volunteer too much info, don't text/comms too much before a date, don't contact them, let them lead) after a number of unsuccessful dates. However, I first decided I needed to meet the man who became my DH first as he'd been hanging about (online) for ages and I wanted to start afresh. So whilst I didn't get to use my "rules" on any new dates it did make me think about my behaviour with him when we first started going out.

This might all seem a bit depressing and be like the intellectual equivalent of getting Fake Baked when you don?t want to but I know that I can come across as arsey ?a bit strong? so felt I wanted to ?present? myself in a way that enabled all my good qualities to be seen rather than just the most domineering ones etc IYSWIM.

I do also agree that a lot of it is luck, you and your future DP need to be in the right place (on or offline) at the right time etc.