Dating - where am i going wrong and do i just resign myself to being alone.

[notsuchaspringchicken]

Having just spent my 5th christmas on my own, being on my own forever seems more and more likely.

Im 34. Im divorced and have one child. I work, if part time. I have interests and hobbies and am not unattractive, if on the curvey side.

I go out, though its more meals and activities than clubbing, which i hate. I have not had one sniff of interest from any man in the 5 years ive been single.

Ive done online dating for years and never got anywhere with that either.
Having had a break from it i signed up to several sites yesterday, and ive had no messages, not even from the free sites where its known for being a bit of a meat market, where a while back i was beating them off with a stick. Any views i have had have been from men over 40 who look like there are actually closer to 50. Its depressing.

I dont understand where im going wrong and how come i seem to be so unattractive to men. A new girl started at work, shes not pretty, but is thin. And is just 20. Within 2 days she had been asked out by 4 men. I dont get if its my age, or the fact im a size 16, or am a lone parent? or just not what men want????

[Alittlestranger]

There's nothing wrong with setting the bar high if you're prepared to have fallow periods.

I'm frequently told I'm intimidating, by men and women. I do think, however, that it's a bit of a red herring. I think if I was super hot men would find a way to overcome the fear . It's probably been a bigger barrier to forming friendships with women.

I get a bit baffled when people argue that weight etc shouldn't be an issue. We're all dating to find a sexual partner and we all have specific things that we are attracted to. I am very, very unlikely to be attracted to an overweight man so would be unlikely to respond to a message from a man who looked overweight in his pictures. It might be different in real life if something else about them was a fantastic turn-on, but in the sweetshop which is OD, why actively chuck chaff in with wheat? Does this make me shallow? I have plenty of physical attributes that will be a turn off for some people and I wouldn't take it that personally if someone wasn't attracted to me because of them. I also get annoyed with people who complain that weight is their problem as weight is the easiest thing to change!

[LessMissAbs]

I agree with you Alittlestranger. I don't see why men having preferences about certain attributes, such as weight, makes them shallow.

If I were looking for a man, I would have certain requirements beyond which I wouldn't consider - preferably a graduate in employment, not overweight, interest in sport - if that makes me shallow, then I guess we should all go out with the first person of the opposite sex we ever have a fulfilling conversation with!

[FromEsme]

First of all - OP, you are beautiful. You are not old and you sure don't look chubby to me.

Second, men are intimidated by me as well. I am grumpy, independent and often disagreeable and that puts a lot of men off. My partner is not intimidated by me and I'm glad I held out for someone who isn't. I don't want to go out with someone who is insecure in that way. Fuck 'em. I know a lot of people say you have to be relentlessly positive all the bloody time to get a man, but I am a grumpy person and I'm not going to pretend I'm not.

Being into outdoorsy stuff could be a good way of meeting new people. Could you try another realm of outdoorsyness? Canoeing, climbing, hiking, biking? I find a lot of people who are into that kind of stuff generally pretty genuine and accepting.

[overbythere]

With respect, it is almost impossible to have 50 or 60 dates and only 4 or 5 men want to see you again and you would only see a few of them again. Presumably you have chatted online long enough to know there are no red flags or alarm bells going off before you arrange to meet. Out of the 7 or so guys I have met the only reason I did not see them all again was because it was getting complicated and I didn't have enough free time to keep seeing them all. Only one guy was a definite no and even then if he had pursued things more strongly I might have met him again as he was still a nice guy, just not my type. You build a kind of relationship with a guy before you meet so you can hardly go wrong really. I can't believe how lucky I have been to have met such great guys and as I said before I am nothing special and 'old' compared to you.

[notsuchaspringchicken]

i am chubby, or according to bmi - overweight ( i was obese, but have lost a stone since sept) I AM a size 16, the dress in the pic is a size 16.
I have listed myself as adverage body in the past, but thought that maybe i was turning up and chubbier than they were expecting, so thought id be more truthful and say curvey.

My user name on any dating site is nothing negative, i name changed for this and couldnt find anything that wasnt already taken, the spring chicken in a long standing joke, it came to mind, so i used it.

I dont have pics of my child on my profile, i dont mention my child, only in the ' has children' bit. Im of the view that my child is nothing to do with dating.

I also dont mention my size, nor anything negative on any dating profile, or when im chatting with someone, im nothing but light, carefree and interesting.

And yes, i have had that many dates, to be fair, its not that ive discounted them all, i would have seen many of them again, to give it a chance, its just they havent been interested in seeing me again, for reasons unknown.

Im not a grumpy person at all, but i am a real person, im not always happy and smiley and i wouldnt want someone who expected me to be so. Its not nice if you arent allowed to be more than 2d prettyness.

I dont even think i have high expectations, i just want someone nice, who has a job/ car/ doesnt live at home, and has social skills. you wouldnt think it that hard......

[notsuchaspringchicken]

Ah - just realised my profile wasnt actaully active on any of the sites, but was in fact hidden, or not activated yet. Which explains why i was not getting anything at all. phew.

[overbythere]

That's the whole point then, isn't it. Why have you had that many dates and almost all the guys don't want to see you again? You say 'reasons unknown.' If you could identify the reasons, you would know why you are still on your own. But would you change or even want to change, even if you knew?!

[notsuchaspringchicken]

i think some are/ would be/ include

• they arent ready for a relationship, they just just got dumped/ divorced/ whatever - and just want to date lots of people
  
• they are married or in along term thing and are trying to cheat
  
• they have no interest in a relationship and just want sex
  
• they dont contact you if you dont have sex with them. but dont if you do as they have already got what they wanted
  
• they are just interested in ' dating' and not in a relationship
  
• its a ego boost for them.
  

Ive had lots of the above, and lots of them have admitted thats the score. It does not follow that just because someone is on a dating site saying that they want a relationship, that they actually do. or that they want one with you.

i realise that sounds terribly jaded, but it is the case.sadly.

[tawse57]

The brutal reality of relationships is that if we keep choosing bfs/gfs who turn out to be awful people - and we keep on doing this - eventually we all have to look inside of ourselves and, truthfully, ask ourselves why we are ending up with such people again and again.

I have a female friend who is a serial dater on the dating sites. She will ring me up one week and tell me how she has found this wonderful guy. Within 5 to 6 weeks she will be on the telephone telling me how he has abused her and her emotionally. On one occasion she ended up in A&E after being beaten black and blue by a man she met via a dating site... broke up with him for about two months... and then went back to him only for... well, sadly, you can guess the rest.

I have talked with her for hours and days and weeks on the telephone giving her advice and counselling her. The hard cold reality that she will not admit to is that she chooses these men. She likes men who are, for want of a better term, complete bstrds who womanise and use people. She gets a kick out of it. You can meet plenty of such men on dating sites - and she does.

Sadly, she will happily ignore all the 'nice guys' and go for the bstard each and every time.

So the only person who is responsible for hurting her is actually herself - she ignores the good men and goes for the nasty ones. She clearly gets some sexual kick out of it but is doing herself no end of emotional harm.

So, to get back to my point - we are all responsible for our dating choices.

[badgeroncaffeine]

Interesting but predictable thread. I'm male, mid 30s and in a relationship. For quite a while I was single, and can honestly say that the problem with the majority of (single) women is that they want much more from a partner than they can offer themselves. Also, a surprising number seem more concerned about whether you work and if so in what job (ie how much money you have) than is reasonable. Gold digging tendencies are a definite red flag to men, especially those stung previously.

[LuluMai]

badger- I wouldn't date anyone that was unemployed. Not because I'm a gold digger, I am financially independent and always have been, but because I wouldn't want to support a man who doesn't work (like my very first teen boyf) and because having a strong work ethic is important to me.

[badgeroncaffeine]

I also agree with tawse57 above, a lot of women are like that...they go for "unpredictable" men and then seem surprised when they act unpredictably (in a negative sense of course!).

[badgeroncaffeine]

It's up to you LuluMai, but I wouldn't go near a woman for who this is an instant "deal breaker"...for me, relationships are about the person, not their money, job or status.

[Llareggub]

I have dated a man who was unemployed and probably wouldn't again. Not because of any particular status thing, but because the impact on his self esteem made our relationship tricky.

[notsuchaspringchicken]

oh - i avoid men like that like the plague. i wouldnt be interested at all in someone like that.

Im also not going to want to date someone with no job. Sorry, but no. Its not about gold digging, its about having the same outlook on life. Unless they had been made redundant and were looking for work.

My last fling worked, but was tight and sponged off me, and i have so little money its laughable. I dont care about what someone earns, so long as they are not a knob about it. I dont even like men paying for dates and always offer my share, or a round or two of drinks, or something equal. I have issues with men paying for me, but its 2012 and i dont see why it shouldnt be equal.

[badgeroncaffeine]

This is the problem you see. I would bet you have a list as long as your arm of " i wouldnt be interested at all in someone like that". The problem is that "perfect" men want "perfect" women.

I knew it wouldn't take long to solve this one...lol

[orangeandlemons]

This was me 15 years ago. I had given up. Was very attractive, but often described as quite serious. I just didn't know what was going wrong. I hated the thought of being "bubbly" to attract men, it just wasn't me at all. I started to think that because I wasn't bubbly/fun/optimistic/outgoing/wouldn't wear high heels/whatever/ there was something wrong with me....but I refused to change to catch some random man. After 5 years and millions of blind dates with real knobs i gave up. I stopped looking or searching and just let myself be me. Then I met DH...

[Thisisaeuphemism]

She said she wants a man with a job, who is not mean and who is not abusive.
You really think she is setting the bar too high, badger?
Blimey.

[ike1]

Oh I dunno badger its not about 'perfect'...my last bf was unemployed ...not that much of an issue but I agree on the self -esteem stuff plus I enjoy meals out weekends away that was difficult cos he could often not afford it. In the end the relationship broke down because he was a powertripper. I think it is fair enough to prefer you partner to by in some form of employment.

[badgeroncaffeine]

Yes, because as I said, she will have a whole host of other "i avoid men like that like the plague" points. As I said in my first post, women very often want much more than they can offer themselves, and therein lies the problem.
Blimey.

[orangeandlemons]

But what's wrong with a list Badger? I tried dating men who didn't meet what was on my so called list. It didn't work at all, and wasted a lot of time. Surely the point of a list is to weed out any misfits before you get going.

Also don't men and women want different things from relationships? Not sure a woman is a golddigger just because she wants a guy with a job. In terms of procreation/biology/anthropology isn't she just trying to do the best for any future offspring?

[ike1]

I could set my bar quite high own my house outright totally financially secure and to an extent would be happy to be the main 'earner' but the guy would have to be not a cocklodger and emotionally very balanced for me to do that.

[notsuchaspringchicken]

no - my list of people i avoid, are as above, the abusive idiots.
which i think, to be fair, its best to avoid them.

I also try and avoid all other kinds of idiots too. I have dumped two men this year, one i was seeing for about 5 months, and one for one month. The first was sponging off me, treated me like a hotel and free shag and not once even took me out or paid. I dont expect the world, but i do expect to me more than a free taxi service/ place to stay/ shag with no effort.

The second i dumped, as despite being good on paper, was wetter than a wet fish and so different from me it was never going to work. An example of this is i am socialable and love having people over for dinner etc... and he confessed that until the last 6 months he had issues with people coming in his house and he got stressed over where they might sit and what they might do to his stuff. Bizzare.

So no, im not looking for perfect, just a normal, functioning, non loser type man.

[LuluMai]

Badger it isn't about judging someone through status or money, it's about values. I wouldn't expect a man or the government to support me while I didn't work and I wouldn't respect a man who expected the government or me to support him. Ds's dad has never worked or given me a penny for ds and I've had to work so very hard to build a life for my son and provide for him. I would never date another man child and I don't think being a lazy sod is anything to be proud of. This is the real world if you don't support yourself that support has to come from others. I'm talking about men who are capable of working, not the disabled or ill.

[badgeroncaffeine]

I think we have another point there.."treated me like a free shag". Women who see sex as something to be paid for (directly or indirectly) are another red flag to most men.