Dating - where am i going wrong and do i just resign myself to being alone.

[notsuchaspringchicken]

Having just spent my 5th christmas on my own, being on my own forever seems more and more likely.

Im 34. Im divorced and have one child. I work, if part time. I have interests and hobbies and am not unattractive, if on the curvey side.

I go out, though its more meals and activities than clubbing, which i hate. I have not had one sniff of interest from any man in the 5 years ive been single.

Ive done online dating for years and never got anywhere with that either.
Having had a break from it i signed up to several sites yesterday, and ive had no messages, not even from the free sites where its known for being a bit of a meat market, where a while back i was beating them off with a stick. Any views i have had have been from men over 40 who look like there are actually closer to 50. Its depressing.

I dont understand where im going wrong and how come i seem to be so unattractive to men. A new girl started at work, shes not pretty, but is thin. And is just 20. Within 2 days she had been asked out by 4 men. I dont get if its my age, or the fact im a size 16, or am a lone parent? or just not what men want????

[stubbornstains]

Message him ike- I bet he'd make an allowance for pink hair!

[notsuchaspringchicken]

no, infact toned blokes dont really do it for me at all. Im more likely to rule out a gym going guy than someone ' normal'

Im not after some adonis, in fact im well known for having quirky taste, i go more for personality really. but agin, thats not got me anywhere.

ive only defended myself when the advice has been spray tans or telling me i need a make over or personality overhall. i dont need either of these things, and have only said as such.

maleview - ive used both, but only the one withthe child if ive been asked for a fully body shot. I know im curvey, i dont see why it should be an issue...and if anyone has asked ive shown various full body shots.

[ike1]

Mmmmwould do stubborn but I've sworn off dating for a while ..like to keep my eagle eye out tho for tasty Morsels...goodluck to those still active tho!!

[HollaAtMeSanta]

I too am apparently intimidating. but frankly, anyone who is intimidated by me at first meeting (when I'm dolled up and on best behaviour) isn't gonna cope with me when I'm being grumpy/hungover/fierce, so I think that's for the best. I don't want to spend my life diminishing myself so that some feeble baby of a man gets to feel bigger.

ike1 unless that hairdresser is also way under 36, he is definitely too old for a mohawk. Take comfort from that

[stubbornstains]

I don't want to spend my life diminishing myself so that some feeble baby of a man gets to feel bigger.

Say it like it is SISTAH! (bumps fists)

So, Ike, you've sworn off online dating but you're still cruising PoF hmmmmmmm?

G'wan......

[maleview70]

If you are using both the 2nd is not as good as the first. It would not put me off at all seeing a picture of you with your child(assuming that is your child!) as your description would state that you had a child anyway. Is it not OD etiquette to show your child?

Anyway had I been OD and looking for someone, your first
Pic would have definately have got my attention. The 2nd not so much as I find it a bit formal.

[MariahScarey]

Think the 38 age limit at 34 is a bit blinkered.

[ike1]

Oh now stubborn you are encouraging me to enter dangerous territory again.. and yeah we are both too ol for our silly hair dos common ground in itself lol....x

[tawse57]

You Mumsnet nickname is notsuchaspringchicken - when I read that I thought you were going to be in your 50s or older... and then I see that you are just 34. Yes - JUST 34.

Mindset is all important isn't it and little things often give our mindset away. If you choose a nickname like notsuchaspringchicken then perhaps that is the message that you are giving out to men. I am often shocked by just how many women write on their dating profiles that they consider themselves old once they are over 30. If you think like that then no man is going to be interested in you and will run a mile.

What nickname have you used on the dating site - please don't tell me that it is the same one? If so, 99.9% of men will not even glance at your profile.

If I am going to date a 34 year old woman I want a woman who is fun to be with and who enjoys life and having fun. (Yes, that most definitely includes sex - in fact, sex would be a major component for virtually all men). So a 34 year needs to telling the men that she is young, vibrant, fun to be with and, yes, keen on a healthy sexual relationship.

I notice that you say you are curvy - when men read dating profiles they read 'curvy' to mean over-weight, fat or even obese.

There are thousands of women in the UK on dating sites who describe themselves as curvy and, bluntly, when you look at their photos they are bordering on clinically obese.

You then mention a friend who is thin who is getting loads of attention... so I think you need to be honest about your weight here... are you sexy curvy or are you fat.... and if you are the latter then you really MUST do something about your weight otherwise the majority of men will not look at you... and you will be only a magnet for those freaky men known as chubby chasers... Dating sites are full of 'curvy' (i.e. fat) women moaning about why men are not interested in them...

I don't mean to offend or to come across as blunt... but I am saying these things to try and help you out. I wish you all the best and am sorry that you have been alone for so long. Christmas just makes thing worse doesn't it.

notsuchaspringchicken - men like young, tasty birds. Change your nickname if this is the one you are using on your dating profiles.

Best of luck.

[HollaAtMeSanta]

I think the second photo is a bit serious/gothy looking. Also I might wonder if you only had one eye, but I am deeply cynical after years of online dating.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

You look stunning in first pic. I would cut dd out and use that as the main one.
I think you come across very well, articulate and strong. There is no need to fluff up.
I would put word out among friends etc that you are looking, plus maybe revamp your profile so it's lighter (NB. Have no idea if it's not light already)
Less words, more pics prob.
When I was 34, I went on guardian soulmates. Bf had become pick of the week or something. I didn't get a single nudge. I like to think DS put them off! (I don't know) on match, I had loads of dates then met DH...
Don't compromise or fake tan!

[SantasNaughtySack]

If you're positive that there is nothing wrong with the way you look, your personality, the way you put yourself across or your dating profile itself, then what advice can anyone give? They are the only things that can be changed to adjust the situation from your end, and it sounds like you like them all just the way they are.

[dreamingbohemian]

I think it's good to remember that in the end there's only so much we can do, a lot of it is just down to timing and luck.

I was practically never single between 18 and 32, then for reasons I still don't understand had nada, zip, zero for about three years. I was exactly the same, just things weren't happening for one reason or another.

I moved to a new city, started dating younger men (don't rule them out!) and eventually got together with my DH at 36 (he's 8 years younger).

You joked about moving and while I would never suggest moving just to find a man, you may find living in a different place helps you find more people generally to socialise with and do the kinds of activities you like, which makes it more likely you will meet someone.

[SweetSeraphim]

Loving all the advice telling the OP to lose weight, or men will not look at her

I'm overweight, and I have never had a problem pulling men. The difference being that I'm not interested in shallow twats

[SunRaysthruClouds]

For what it?s worth another bloke?s view here. I generally agree with Maleview ? you are attractive and you don?t need to worry there.

However having seen your posts you are coming across as very fixed?view, as in ?it?s my way or no way?. It seems odd that you have been on 50+ dates and not met someone who fits your requirements, unless you haven?t been reading their profile and communicating. And I mean really reading and communicating. There is an awful lot not said in profiles and emails as well as what is there in black and white. It may be that you are still thinking of all the things that were wrong with your marriage and are being very specific.

I speak from the other side as it were ? I have done o/l dating twice. Met someone wonderful each time pretty quickly but their personalities came out in the profiles emails and IMs. First time lasted 18 months. This time was on Match and we have been together a few months and there have been no surprises ? it was all there before we met.

I suggest you look carefully at profiles of the interesting blokes, and then contact the ones you like but with a considered email, not just a ?I see you like reading, have you read 50 Shades of Shit?? note. Then really engage.

Oh and not all blokes want women umpteen years younger; there are advantages to having similar ages ? such as childrens ages, similar teen-era memories and so on.

[SweetSeraphim]

Seriously OP, you're really attractive. You don't strike me as someone who would change to please a man, and nor should you. You want someone who likes you for you, surely? Just keep on keeping on and one will turn up.

[tawse57]

i possibly scare men. i have been told i am intimidating. i dont really know why..... im not special at all, and im old and chubby

There you go saying that you are old again. You obviously believe it so perhaps you should just target men in their 70s?

If you are intimidating and you scare men you probably need to ask yourself honestly why you have that reputation? Is it how you truly are or is it how you want others to perceive you. Some women enjoy being intimidating - they usually have a whip in their wardrobes though - lol.

Please stop saying that you are old.

[MariahScarey]

agree - you arent fucking "curvy" aka fat.

you are normal (and pretty to boot)

[MariahScarey]

oh and re intimidating - thats shit. I am fucking TERRIFYING and get on with men who like it.

you wont get on with a man who is a puss

[MariahScarey]

come on twitter - loads of men on there and the ones i interact with are FUN ( and some are single to boot!) huzzah

[SweetSeraphim]

See, Mariah agrees with me. No strong woman wants a man that's easily intimidated.

[MariahScarey]

rraaar

seriously - twitter

[tawse57]

Ditto the view of Maleview and SunRaysthruClouds - just seen your photos and you are attractive looking so that is not the problem.

Which brings me back to the negativity that I mentioned in my original reply.

Just one other thing - I notice that you have a photo of your daughter and yourself here on Mumsnet. I don't know if you have the same photo on your dating profile but lots of men are really put off by photos of women who post photos of themselves and their children on-line.

Women seem to think that such photos say "This is me - this is the package you get which includes my child/children" but the dating site profile information will tell a man whether you have children or not. You do not need to post a photo of your child/children.

A lot of Men simply think it is weird when Women post such photos and, frankly, most of us think it is not the right thing to do as the children have no say in their photos being placed on a dating site on their Mum's profiles... and it could attract the wrong kind of individual.

A man wants to date YOU first and foremost. Getting to know your children is for later on if and when the relationship develops and goes anywhere. Here is a really good article about what Men think about dating site profiles of Women.

13 Things That Men Are Too Embarrassed to Tell You

www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/13-things-that-men-are-too-embarrassed-to-tell-you/

[nje3006]

You don't look 'curvy' which I agree in the OD world is usually code for morbidly obese.
I started OD when I was 41. I hadn't dated for 22 years. I went on a couple of dates but I was pretty fierce at weeding out those I didn't think would be fabulous. I wasn't at that time looking for a serious relationship, I wanted someone to date, go out with to places, have fun with.
I took it pretty seriously, invested time and effort in it once I'd decided to do OD. I agree with the poster above who said the photos are not great for OD. I don't know if they are the ones you use. The one with your dd is not great for a dating photo, I guess you tell people you have a child so there's no need imo to post a photo of her online. The other one also is not really dating material. I think a selection of photos is good, it shows you haven't picked a totally unrealistic 'lucky' snap. I also think years on the photos are good, shows they're not unrealistically old. Btw, I don't know if the photos show your weight realistically, you don't look 'curvy' in the photos so again I don't know if the photos are unrealistic or whether you are being unrealistically harsh on your description of yourself but something isn't adding up on that point.
As for being independent and intimidating. Ime some men are easily intimidated and it's best to just leave them be and hold out for someone who isn't intimidated - they are out there.
I did OD 8 years ago and this year married DH, we met on the Times Encounters OD service. My bff did OD at the same time as me, she also met her current DH online (can't remember which site though). We have another friend younger than us by 10 years who has never married, has no children but has never really got further than a few dates. She is very inexperienced in relationships and despite our best efforts with her profile, dress sense, photos, how to respond etc she is still a million miles off what we both know will work - she's kinda given up now
I guess what I'm saying is it's hard to know in your case whether you're being honest about eg your weight but your pics are not saying the same thing or whether your pics are realistic but your own description is putting men off. I'm not saying it's all about the weight, I'm just using that as an example of checking what you're saying against reality.

[aleene]

Op - you don't need to change yoyr appearance. IMO OD is a game of chance. I meet someone wonderful but it took a while and I found the merrygoround of messages and dates a bit soul destroying.

It may be worth thinking about your expectations. Nothing wrong in high standards but set the bar too high and no one will have a chance.