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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel?

116 replies

SimplySad · 27/12/2012 09:37

So, last night my partner and I were having sex....TMI alert but I was wanking him off and he was watching some porn (this has never previously been a problem as the following never happened before). The upshot is, he turned the iPad to me and said he liked this girls figure, imagine young slim/skinny women with pert boobs (me = mother of 3 with jelly belly and a stone or two over weight) but he then went on to say that he imagined a family friend would like this naked. Cue me feeling utterly crushed.

I am not daft enough to think that he doesn't ever look at other women but he brought someone from reality into our sex life and although he didn't compare our figures, I now feel like a fat unattractive lump.

Am I over reacting? How do I get past this? I actually feel like our relationship cannot be salvaged from this as I feel pretty worthless to be honest. Other than this our relationship is fine other than trivial niggles.

Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
SimplySad · 27/12/2012 09:38

PS. I did namechange but I am not a newbie.

OP posts:
NotMostPeople · 27/12/2012 09:42

It sounds like he thought you'd be more open minded about it Afterall you were clearly ok with bringing images of other women into your sex life. He misjudged the situation.

MissyRain · 27/12/2012 09:45

Talk to him about how you feel.

strumpetpumpkin · 27/12/2012 09:49

i wouldnt like that, but then i wouldnt wank my dp off while he was watching porn either.

Dont mind him watching porn, or even watching it myself, but watching it while you wank him off is rude and I dont think him mentioning that he likes the womans figure in it is any weirder than him watching it while you wank him anyway. I also dont think him mentioning that he thought your friend would have that figure any worse than watching it while you wank him anyway.
I think he probably was trying to get you inolved in some threesome fantasy with her, and its got nothing to do with how slim you are or not.

Id definitely mention hes gone too far if thats how you feel though

Pochemuchka · 27/12/2012 09:53

TBH I don't really know what to say.

It sounds like you aren't particularly confident about the way you look and he sounds as though he was completely disconnected from you and the situation as you were wanking him off while he had his face in the iPad, looking at other women, fantasising about a mutual friend.

What exactly were you getting out of this set up? There's not exactly much intimacy.
Do you feel you have to satisfy him in order to keep him happy regardless of your own sexual/emotional needs?
I'm pretty open minded and of an 'each to their own' as far as sex lives are concerned but you sound really unhappy and low and I'm not sure it's just because he mentioned the friend, I wonder if that was the last straw?

MadAboutHotChoc · 27/12/2012 10:12

You asked "how would you feel"?

I would feel violated and yukky.

He sounds very selfish.

The use of porn when he is on his own is bad enough.

But wanking him off while he's looking at porn and talking about a friend sounds horrible - where is the initimacy? where is the emotional connection? what about your needs? its as if you don't exist for him Sad

dequoisagitil · 27/12/2012 11:26

This whole thing sounds unacceptable - I can understand watching something together and mutually masturbating, but what precisely do you get out of wanking him while he watches porn that you're not even watching together? You're just there to service him. Yuk.

Add in the mention of a mutual friend - yuk again.

He has no respect at all for you and as far as he's concerned, if you have feelings that's your own problem.

niceguy2 · 27/12/2012 11:55

Firstly I think the whole porn thing is a distraction. OP says she was happy with it and it is something they've done before in the past. So it doesn't matter what our personal opinions are on porn. It's irrelevant.

So once that is put aside, the issue then becomes that her partner likes skinny women with pert boobs and OP is by her own admission, not.

The blunt truth is that the weight issues were probably already in her mind and his misguided comments have simply confirmed her worst fears.

So the next step really is up to OP. Are you going to fight to change yourself or let what otherwise you describe as a good relationship go down the toilet because you don't want to lose weight?

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 27/12/2012 12:02

OP, do your sex sessions with him usually involve him doing stuff for you, as well? If this is the only kind of sex you have, it doesn't sound like a lot of fun on your part.
Also you mention 'other niggles'. What sort of niggles? Is he lazy round the house and prone to making remarks that upset you? What he said sounds a bit spiteful to me, ie he intended to hurt your feelings. I suppose it could be a clumsy way of trying to say that he would prefer you to lose weight, but that isn't terribly acceptable in itself. While it's true that some people find a partner who gains a lot of weight less attractive, it's hurtful and unreasonable to mention it - unless we are talking massive weight gain, ie going from size 12 to size 24 at which point there are health issues likely to be involved.

Yama · 27/12/2012 12:07

I would feel that my partner was either extremely thick to not understand that this would be hurtful or that he was being hurtful.

I wouldn't stand for either personally.

Thisisaeuphemism · 27/12/2012 12:09

Crikey. What a dick.

aprilrain · 27/12/2012 12:14

Niceguy are you really suggesting that the OP should address her partner's lack of respect for her feelings / intimacy and emotional involvement in the bedroom by changing herself to be more like his fantasy woman?

Unbelievable!

Thisisaeuphemism · 27/12/2012 12:17

The sex you have afterwards must be really mind- blowing, right, because the idea of wanking DH off while he watches porn on his I- pad is a bit...grim.

But to answer your question, I would feel he was thoughtless and disrespectful.

Offred · 27/12/2012 12:18

I think the porn does matter because I agree with the comment that he probably didn't see what he said as a big deal (I.e. relationship ending) because the porn already brings other people into your sex life. I think it is pretty inhuman not to see the people in porn as real people and I don't believe people (men) really do get off on it because "they are visual", my experience is of that being crap, people who watch porn in my experience have watched it for voyeuristic, power and control reasons or because they have been socially conditioned that it is expected (but this doesn't count as a real interest to me) the thrill seems to come from the voyeurism and the power.

I do not understand why part of a healthy sex life would be a woman wanking a man off while he is turned away from her fantasising about the porn he is watching, the only part of that that seems to be a shared experience is the degradation of your intimate female partner and so I think SGB may be right that he said it to degrade you, that may be what he gets off on.

Offred · 27/12/2012 12:20

I also think why the hell do you need to know how we would feel? What matters is how you feel. If you feel you can't get past this and it is big and important then respect yourself enough to listen to that feeling and explore it.

FushiaFernica · 27/12/2012 12:22

How amazing is your husband's figure OP? You are right to feel upset about this, sounds grim.

dondon33 · 27/12/2012 13:05

Jesus! He wasn't at the front of the queue when tact and respect were given out, was he.

OP, in answer to your question, I'd feel nauseated, degraded, hurt and upset.
I'm also interested to know exactly what you get from this situation - you wanking him while he views porn and openly fantasises about a family friend and fuck knows what else doesn't make for a mutually enjoyable sexual experience.

HotBurrito1 · 27/12/2012 14:04

Simply you are not over-reacting and I have no idea how you get past this. How did you react at the time? Does he realise what an upsetting episode it was?

Niceguy(?), if he develops a penchant for massive women later on, should she then pile on the pounds to please him?

Crinkle77 · 27/12/2012 14:11

strumpetpumpkin why are you criticising OP for her and her partners sexual preferences? That had nothing to do with the original post. If they enjoy it then why do you have a problem with it?

niceguy2 · 27/12/2012 15:43

Niceguy are you really suggesting that the OP should address her partner's lack of respect for her feelings / intimacy and emotional involvement in the bedroom by changing herself to be more like his fantasy woman?

No, I'm suggesting that OP was probably already unhappy with her own weight and that her partner's insensitive comments just brought things out into the open.

Put another way, if OP was truly happy with her own figure and was confident then this would never have become a post. And that the solution could be to get the figure that SHE wants.....not him.

I'm not saying her partner is blameless. Clearly he's engaged his mouth without consulting his brain first. But rather than pin 100% of the blame onto her partner and binning an otherwise good relationship, it might be worth addressing her own issues first. In other words, it's better when faced with a problem to address the root cause rather than the symptoms.

Thisisaeuphemism · 27/12/2012 15:50

You think the root cause here is that this woman is unhappy with being over-weight?

I can suggest a few other root causes.

TeaBrick · 27/12/2012 15:53

I don't believe that the relationship is otherwise good. He watches porn which the op can't see, while she wanks him off?! He obviously has no respect for her at all.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2012 16:04

Wanking a bloke off while watches porn ?

Women really do this ? Confused

Even more unbelievable though is that anyone is remotely surprised this bloke treats his partner like something lower than shit on his shoe

Original poster
SimplySad · 27/12/2012 16:52

Thank you everyone for your comments, everyone has their own take on things and that is fine (I am not offended by Niceguys comments).

With regard to my 'weight issues', I didn't really think I had any before, lol! I am a bit overweight but am not in the overweight/obese catergory. I am larger than I was pre-children and am not as toned up as I used to be BUT I eat far healthier now than I did then, walk my dog for hours every day and am very fit and active. I am just not a size 6-8, 6" shorter/petite, half my age with no kids or responsibilities etc. I am not the person my partner mentioned and will never be even if I did lose a stone.

I've never had a problem before doing this with my partner, it is a small part of our sex-life, it is not like that is all we do or that we werent intimate first. However, he has never said "I think thats the perfect figure" and "I think thats what X would look like naked" either. When he said that, it gradually sank in, I gradually stopped what I was doing, went downstairs and sat in the dark :(

He came downstairs and asked me how I was and I said I didn't want to talk to him about it at that time (not being nasty but was just horrified), he has gone away for work and called me to talk about it but I was at the shops and couldnt talk at that time (though he said he wasn't comparing me with this other person). He comes back on Sunday so we will see....

OP posts:
givemeaclue · 27/12/2012 16:54

How is that 'having sex', its not!