How would you feel?

[SimplySad]

So, last night my partner and I were having sex....TMI alert but I was wanking him off and he was watching some porn (this has never previously been a problem as the following never happened before). The upshot is, he turned the iPad to me and said he liked this girls figure, imagine young slim/skinny women with pert boobs (me = mother of 3 with jelly belly and a stone or two over weight) but he then went on to say that he imagined a family friend would like this naked. Cue me feeling utterly crushed.

I am not daft enough to think that he doesn't ever look at other women but he brought someone from reality into our sex life and although he didn't compare our figures, I now feel like a fat unattractive lump.

Am I over reacting? How do I get past this? I actually feel like our relationship cannot be salvaged from this as I feel pretty worthless to be honest. Other than this our relationship is fine other than trivial niggles.

Help!

To answer the OP's question about how I'd feel: I think devastated might sum it up. If my dh brought up how he thinks another woman looked naked during sex with me I'd be absolutely crushed. I also would not wank him off whilst he's watching porn - maybe I'm just a prude!

But seriously, I am boggled by what the op thought he was doing all along? He might have said it out loud this time but this turning away to be wanked off by someone else while you watch porn can surely only be about improving his sexual satisfaction with his fantasy of other people by pretending he is being wanked off by whoever he is imagining/watching at the time; porn women/women he imagines the porn women are - what does that actually matter? Why is there such a big difference in hurt? I don't actually see it, I would think a good partner would not be anymore likely to cheat with a family friend than a pornstar, I would think being afraid of it being to do with cheating indicates lack of security and trust though.

He isn't really actually fucking them when he fantasises whether he knows them or not and it doesn't mean he will or that he necessarily wants to or that he doesn't want or find the op attractive necessarily. I don't see why he needs porn to "finish off" sex with his partner either or why this needs to be solitary pleasure for him.

I don't agree with the it is ok to do/think but not ok to say either, think if you can't say you probably shouldn't do/think really since saying is merely informing your partner of reality. Conversely if you are upset by saying but ok with thinking/doing as long as it isn't said then I think you are just avoiding the truth of how you really feel. Something I have done quite a lot (not porn related) btw.

well, there's a school of thought that says you shouldn't need porn to have a wank and that the two are not interchangeable

for another thread ?

perhaps

Hive mind? Everyone's arguing with each other! A hive like that would never get any honey made.

hive mind is a stupid phrase thought up by those with opinions that nobody else ever agrees with

Offred, I have explained what the difference is to me so if you can't understand that perspective then I can't make it any clearer. I realise it is not your point of view, which yes I do understand, but it is how I feel (re porn actresses and people who I know)... I assummed he needed/wanted visual stimulation and not an issue I have given a lot of thought to; occasionally I wank him off with porn and then he said what he said and it was like someone threw a bucket of water over me. Strange.

Can I ask why you assumed that? Is he unable to get off without visual stimulation? I mean, apart from what he said, Are you really happy with the situation?

Yes, of course he can, like I have said before it is not a regular occurence, something that 'we do' on occasion. I didnt mind wanking him off to finish him off occasionally, no. Well, not until he said that he thought skinny pert boobs was his idea of perfect and that he thought X would look like that.

There's also the way in which most people see celebrities/actors as in a kind of separate category to people they actually know: celebrities are by definition more sexy, more 'perfect' than 'ordinary' people, which is why it's going to hurt more to be compared unfavourably with an 'ordinary' person.

Sorry...how about you look at some porn of men with ginormous cocks while he finishes you off and say "I bet...insert his mates name... Is built like this, how wonderful" - hopefully that would get the point across of what a twat he is being.

Thisisaeuphemism, now that idea I like!

so do it

and watch the death knell of your relationship

think it's ok now ?

Of course I wouldn't say that, tit for tat is not my style

you will swallow all sorts of disrespectful shit from him though ?

Um, well, not really...Occasionally I wank him off while he watches porn (this I don't mind), on one occasion he mentioned a person known to us (this I do mind). It's not all sorts of disrespectful shit really is it? Maybe because it is out of character, this is why I feel like I do about it?

Ok, but where exactly was he comparing the op to the friend?! He didn't say "she's so much more attractive than you" he said "she is attractive, she looks like the pornstar"... Where is that implication coming from if not the fact he has been regularly turning away from you to have you wank him off to porn he is looking at privately? I.e. actively demonstrating that he sometimes does choose others/fantasy over you sexually and that you thought this was ok as long as you could pretend the women weren't real women or that he had no chance to actually prefer them to you sexually in real life.

Seriously, what exactly is "visual stimulation" if not finding someone else attractive/being aroused by them/fantasising about the images you see? Why can you be visually stimulated by porn but not life? I just dont think this makes sense as an explanation of your feelings.

How is he meant to know there is a line and why have you not acknowledged that actually your assumption that he could sleep with the friend but not a pornstar or a woman who looks like her wrong? Actually just wrong.

He was comparing the friend to the porn star not the op to the friend and I don't see why that is a rational thing to be upset about anyway; that his fantasies when he is with you include other people when you are apparently resolutely not upset, in fact claiming to have sought to be included, and not considering you are being compared to the pornstars when he watches them and fantasises about them. Could you not see a link between feeling low about your look being different to the pornstars and this wanking him off to/watching porn?

It isn't that I'm trying to get you to convince me, the whole point is that what you are saying makes no logical sense at all, seems to stem from insecurity and is on the one hand encouraging something that you then are devastated by if it is actually the real thing that you're upset by....

"Maybe because it is out of character, this is why I feel like I do about it?"

No, you feel like you do about it because if what it says about his character and what it says about his feelings and respect for you.

Don't ignore what your good sense is telling you.

You were upset enough to need to be away from him for an extended period.

Heed what you are telling yourself about this man who likes to be serviced while he fantasises about women in your social circle.

He thought it was about time to go public with that and humiliate you with your imperfections while you tossed him off to thoughts of your more physically perfect friends.

He now knows you won't accept that level of degradation, so he'll have to make do with using your hand to masturbate while he watches porn and secretly fantasises about what young women of your acquaintances look like naked.

But you can't unknow what he just told you.

You can ignore it and how it makes you feel. Or you can pay attention.

A. He isn't regularly turning away from me, it is occasional (as said numerous times). B. As said previously, I do think porn actresses are 'real people', but like celebreties they are untouchables. C. Of course we find other people attractive and are visually stimulated by them but I have never said I find anyone that we know attractive whilst in the middle of a sexual act. D. I previously said that I had explained my feelings and that you don't understand them; feelings are not necessarily rational, they are based on emotions which at tiems may not be rational thought processes. E. I said that I feel crushed by it, it has hurt my feelings. I never said he should know what the boundaries are but now perhaps we will discuss and set some. F. I don't feel low about how I look, that is your assumption. I said that he said that a particular person had the perfect figure and that he thought a person we know looks like that naked. I said I could do with losing a stone or two but feel healthier being the size I am than when I was slimmer pre-children. G. As aforemetioned, feelings are not necessarily rational. For some reason mentioning the name of a person who we know during a sex act left me cold. Some people get that but you don't.

It is interesting to 'talk' to people who are knowledgeable on issues but the conversation is going round in circles now, thank you for sharing your knowledge on the subject with me. I am sure I will mull things over before he comes home and be more clear about my perspective when we talk.

SBRIYL, I am not going to end the relationship based on this one event but I do hear you and we will have to see what the outcome of our discussion on this matter is and also talk more openly about sex and our relationship. The proof will be in the pudding as they say.

Does it make a difference to the point whether it is regularly or occasionally if it has happened more than once?

Porn actresses are most definitely not untouchable. Many prostitutes use porn to advertise. This is an extremely incorrect assumption.

Feelings may not be rational but they can be rationalised and also normally have a base. What you say is the base of these is not a logical explanation.

What is the point in mentioning her body shape if it is not that you feel bad about it and feel like you are being compared and found lacking?

As for c. You have wanked him off to his fantasies about porn though, I don't think he has done the same for you has he? It does rather imply you are ok with it.

not necessarily...perhaps the porn was about BOTH their fantasies ...until he (hurtfully, distastefully, wrongly, insensitively, twattishly) mentioned someone they both know IRL. Which changes things completely.

As the OP said this is an occasional part of their sex life, but still hurtful when he mentions someone they both know in the real world,esp harder when you don't feel like a goddess yourself after 3+ DCs etc...Poor you OP, please do compare him to someone else with perfect body...see how he likes that!

no, no, no

it would be wrong for OP to comment on another man's body, whne they are allegedly sharing an intimate sex act

especially when it's someone they both know

it would be unfair to do that

oh....

I'm simply agog that any woman thinks this completely joyless activity passes for an acceptable sex life.

I mean, really?

Wanking a bloke off to porn and you're 'okay' with that?

Why do you find it acceptable to be 'just a hand'? Do you set the bar very low in your relationships OP?

I've just read the thread and even saw you appeased that dick who suggested all would be fine and dandy if you just lost weight..........another bloke therefore who treated your dilemma like shit and you just lapped it up instead of telling him to take a long walk off a short pier. Other posters had to challenge him but you didn't - you actually seemed to think he had a point.

Is this indicative of how you are in relationships with men - that what ever disrespect they show you, you feel you have to be 'cool' with it?

I think the issue is it is going to be incredibly awkward to ever socialize with that person ever again with her partner present? I mean how would that even work.

In this situation that would bug me the most, how could I socialize with this person again knowing my partner will be undressing her with his eyes. the humiliation of it would be impossible to get over, your partner and you are unlikely to socialise often with jenna jameson for example.