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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help needed please

67 replies

Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 26/12/2012 21:29

I feel I am going mad and don't know if I'm at fault or my bf of 2 yrs.

Background info we have our own places but he stays at mine a lot. Basically he has told me today that its over and he's not happy. Apparently I create tension over his ex wife and he ' can't take my shit anymore"

I admit I do feel jealous of the amount of contact they have but understand there's no choice as there are children involved. I can understand him telling me he's fed up if I'm giving him a hard time, although I'm not as bad as he makes out. It's more the brutal way he's ended it in a phonecall and on Boxing Day when we should have been together. Then messing my head up saying he doesn't want to end it but I must change. Reading this back through now it looks fairly reasonable what he's done but there is a history of him doing this to me over various issues we have had. I've just spent the day crying. Any thoughts please?

OP posts:
scaevola · 26/12/2012 21:37

If he didn't want to end it, he wouldn't have ended it.

Do whatever you need to look after yourself, and to make sure you are strong enough not to go near him again.

MammaTJ · 26/12/2012 21:41

He maybe doesn't want to end it, but is using the threat of ending it to control your behaviour. Not good!! Stay away!!

Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 26/12/2012 21:45

He keeps telling me he didn't want it to end and if I change he hopes it can work. But it's not the first time he's done this . It seems to be his response to problems

OP posts:
JammySplodger · 26/12/2012 21:52

If you're always going to be jealous of his ex, you're not going to change. If he's done the whole 'I'm ending it' thing before, he's not going to change. Let it end and move on.

JammySplodger · 26/12/2012 21:52

If you're always going to be jealous of his ex, you're not going to change. If he's done the whole 'I'm ending it' thing before, he's not going to change. Let it end and move on.

N0tinmylife · 26/12/2012 21:56

So what he is saying is that he doesn't want to be with you as you are, but if you change to fit his idea of how he wants you to be he will do you the great favour of staying with you?

I think you need to get out now, and give yourself the chance to find someone who loves you as you are.

dequoisagitil · 26/12/2012 22:00

Meh. I can't be doing with a guy who blows hot and cold and anytime things aren't going well threatens to end it. If you're insecure, that's the way he must like you. How about taking advice from a pop song, thusly

Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 26/12/2012 22:00

But he's right in saying if I can't accept the ex wife situation then we can't have a future because she will always be there . Isn't he??

Although I do accept thets the case and I love his children there are certain things that crop up from time to time that I get upset about and now I feel I can never voice any of them

OP posts:
Amothersruin · 26/12/2012 22:02

He's a twat who is trying to keep you dangling until you behave in a way he finds acceptable. Go find a man without any ties.

pictish · 26/12/2012 22:03

Exactly how nippy are you over the ex...and tell the truth now. Is your jealousy causing a real problem?

Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 26/12/2012 22:06

PICTISH it's hard for me to assess how nippy I am. I just sometimes have a feeling he wishes he was back there tho he swears blind he doesn't. But it could just be my jealousy and insecurity.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2012 22:07

if you have to "change" to stay with him, you are better off finding someone else with less baggage

and find someone who is less of an entitled fuckwit, who keeps making you jump through hoops...and when you've done that one, he finds another

you seeing a pattern here ?

take this opportunity to put an end to this twat's little despotic reign of bigdickery and find another bloke

if you are happy to date a pillock...there are plenty of others out there

Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 26/12/2012 22:13

AF I get what your saying but what if I am being unreasonable and he has a valid point about my concerns over her making him feel like shit?

I don't know if I'm right or wrong anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 26/12/2012 22:14

I also can't get my head around how he can do what he did today and the way he did it yet say he loves me more than anything

OP posts:
pictish · 26/12/2012 22:15

AF - there's no indication of who is at fault here.
Jealous, insecure partners are very tricky to handle.

It may not be him playing games or trying to get her to change. He may not be controlling. The OP may repeatedly cause grief over something innocent.

It's very difficult to tell.

scaevola · 26/12/2012 22:17

If you don't know if you are right or wrong any more, you are on the slippery slope of losing sight of who you really are.

You'd be better off with someone who likes you pretty much exactly as you are.

JammySplodger · 26/12/2012 22:19

Whether you're right or wrong, this is not the relationship for you. If you've got insecurities, a relationship where you feel you have to change to make it work is not the place to deal with them.

JammySplodger · 26/12/2012 22:19

Whether you're right or wrong, this is not the relationship for you. If you've got insecurities, a relationship where you feel you have to change to make it work is not the place to deal with them.

tzella · 26/12/2012 22:20

I'd get insecure and jealous if my bf spent time with his exw apart from the DCs, gave her gifts, talked about how great she was all the time etc. and I think I'd be right to. But I wouldnt if all he's doing is popping in for a chat and getting on fine with her.
Which is it?

Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 26/12/2012 22:20

It's difficult for me to tell as well Pictish. I think I DO sometimes cause grief over something innocent but equally other times I have a valid point. Example he rarely phones in front of me and says this is because he gets grief however him NOT phoning just feeds the problem and he can't see this as I just get more insecure and feel shut out

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2012 22:20

bottom line is this

a relationship shouldn't make you feel like shit

who has the blame ?

does it really matter ?

if OP has form for fucking every single one of her relationships up due to irrational jealousy...then maybe she needs to look to herself

but just this one ?

walk away if you are not getting out of it what you need

why the fuck not ?

Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 26/12/2012 22:23

TZELLA thanks for your comment. It's the second one so maybe I am being unreasonable in my insecurities. However I still don't feel he's treated me well today

OP posts:
Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 26/12/2012 22:25

AF no I don't have form for fucking every relationship up due to irrational jealousy but then I haven't been in this situation either

OP posts:
Tortington · 26/12/2012 22:26

he hasn't treated you well

you probably are feeling insecure

i thnk you need time to be with yourself and secure in yourself.

if nothing else, telling your dp that he has threatened you for the last time, should give you satisfaction.

take him up on his thread - turn it round and become a strong woman. learn to love yourself, yourlife, your friends, and if someone comes along - great

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2012 22:27

then this situation doesn't suit you

if I ever become single again...I would not tolerate being someone else's second best, someone else's back up to the baggage, someone else's fall back

if you think that is tha case...you are the one best-placed to see it... if you can open your eyes and get past the romantic bullshit