Help needed please

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I feel I am going mad and don't know if I'm at fault or my bf of 2 yrs.

Background info we have our own places but he stays at mine a lot. Basically he has told me today that its over and he's not happy. Apparently I create tension over his ex wife and he ' can't take my shit anymore"

I admit I do feel jealous of the amount of contact they have but understand there's no choice as there are children involved. I can understand him telling me he's fed up if I'm giving him a hard time, although I'm not as bad as he makes out. It's more the brutal way he's ended it in a phonecall and on Boxing Day when we should have been together. Then messing my head up saying he doesn't want to end it but I must change. Reading this back through now it looks fairly reasonable what he's done but there is a history of him doing this to me over various issues we have had. I've just spent the day crying. Any thoughts please?

Tbh I feel I probably do need to change and he has a valid point. I do see his family, not often due to distance but he does try to include me and see the children mostly when he does.

I think what's concerning me is the way in which he ended it yesterday was quite nasty phoning me and saying he wouldn't be there when I got home. I just couldn't do that to someone myself

This man is wrong for you, he will go on to abuse you emotionally. Don't do it to yourself.

Listen to AF and Garlic.

He's been nasty. It should be enough to make you walk away.

Why do you think you deserve so little?

Hissletoe thanks for your post can you clarify why you think he's wrong for me?
So I can get my head straight

You say you don't know if it's you or him. I think it is you andhim. Two incompatible people. Take the blame away from just yourself and accept that together you don't make a happy relationship. And love doesn't come into it. You can both feel love for each other yet still be highly incompatible. It was this realisation that helped me to get out of a damaging relationship. I was so confused because I loved him, yet he consistently hurt me and none of my needs were being met in the relationship. When I realised my love had no bearing on his ability to meet my needs, ending it became a no brainer.

Thanks for that post twattergy. I think you may be right we do love each other, I know he loves me and he does meet lots of my needs but essentially we are incompatible and so I do feel hurt quite often

Also it it's easier to work on your own issues outside of a difficult relationship. It may be that you do need to be more relaxed about his ex but once a dynamic exists like this in a relationship it is very hard to change. however you could learn from this, and if you chose to get involved again with a man with an ex, you take a more relaxed attitude from the start. If you are often hurt, then I don't think it's the right partnership for you.

I believe that all this is about HIS power and control over YOU.

What you are supposed to do now is beg, bow and scrape for him to come back. Promise you'll change (so taking the full blame for this twattish behaviour of HIS) and never challenge him again.

He's showing you who he really is. You've had the Mr Imitation Perfect, and followoing the usual script for manipulative/controlling/abusive partners, after 2 years of 'perfection' he can't keep it up, and has used one of the worst possible seasons to put you in your place

I, for one, would actually take him at his word and make sure that I stayed dumped. No-one would get a second chance after that kind of humiliation.

You do realise that when you fall foul of his ways again, he'll do WORSE than he's done this week.

Who on earth would want to be with someone that dumped a supposed girlfriend on Christmas? Really? Think about it.

I had this kind of idiot in my like, he did the same to me on Valentines Day. I fell for it. Begged him not to go, promised him the earth.

Shit escallated, he became verbally, emotionally and physically abusive.

I should have kicked that twat to the kerb then and there, instead he ruled me like that for 10 years.

When a man shows you who he is, pay attention.

This man is not good for you, he will try to destroy you, but under the guise of it being all your fault, and your issues driving him to it.

Oh and tbh, I think an estranged ex calling to check up on the kids EVERY DAY could be a little controlling/intrusive.

See the flags, the great big red ones that are flying here, and tell him that you ARE taking hoim at his word. Make sure you DON'T take him back. I have a BAD feeling about him.

"I think what's concerning me is the way in which he ended it yesterday was quite nasty phoning me and saying he wouldn't be there when I got home. I just couldn't do that to someone myself"

An abuser could, and would. Your instinct is trying to tell you something. Please listen.

A decent partner would work with you if you were insecure... You're insecure with him for a reason, he's trying to make you doubt yourself, to wrongfoot you and manipulate you into the place he wants to keep you.

He doesn't love you, he might think he does, but really all he wants is to acquire you.

I dumped my Mr Manipulator almost 2 years ago btw, am now with a truly wonderful man who wouldn't ever want me to change. Early days, but there ARE great men out there.

Thanks for all your replies they are giving me loads to think about.

One question though. When we woke on Xmas day and he seemed withdrawn and down and I asked what was wrong, he said he was missing his children. Does anyone think I was out of order for feeling that he really dim
Nt want to be there with me and I said to him well maybe you should be with them. H e took that as an attack and started with the usual ' god can't I even miss my kids now?' And so the quiet mood went on all day culminating in what happened Boxing Day. I'm asking purely because I want to know if anyone thinks I could have been more supportive/ sympathetic. He also took what I said to mean I was insinuating he wanted to be with the ex

You are being unreasonable to see it as him not wanting to be with you because he was missing his children, and the way you said "maybe you should be with them" is all important.

JUSTFAB thank you. I don't think it's the fact he misses his children especially at Xmas that's to be expected. I think it's the fact he withdraws and I get paranoid he doesn't really want to be with me on that day. I should have expressed what I was trying to say to him differently. I really got his back up . I'm not making excuses for him it's just I am aware there are 2 sides

look, he can miss his children

that is ok

but why does he have to take it out on you ?

that is the question

what are you ? Convenient whipping boy ?

get some self respect

I don't see it as she is being whipped. She comes across as demanding at the expense of his feelings for his children and being very unfair. Of course he will still see his ex and if she can't accept that relationship is over then maybe hers with him needs to be.

Thanks just fab. Maybe I do need to think about the way I am and some of the things I say. Funny that what you have said is almost exactly what he has been trying to explain to me.