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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help needed please

67 replies

Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 26/12/2012 21:29

I feel I am going mad and don't know if I'm at fault or my bf of 2 yrs.

Background info we have our own places but he stays at mine a lot. Basically he has told me today that its over and he's not happy. Apparently I create tension over his ex wife and he ' can't take my shit anymore"

I admit I do feel jealous of the amount of contact they have but understand there's no choice as there are children involved. I can understand him telling me he's fed up if I'm giving him a hard time, although I'm not as bad as he makes out. It's more the brutal way he's ended it in a phonecall and on Boxing Day when we should have been together. Then messing my head up saying he doesn't want to end it but I must change. Reading this back through now it looks fairly reasonable what he's done but there is a history of him doing this to me over various issues we have had. I've just spent the day crying. Any thoughts please?

OP posts:
garlicbaubles · 26/12/2012 22:28

If he dumps you every time your emotions get in his way, it's no wonder you feel insecure. Also no wonder you doubt your emotions.

I'd advise letting him go this time, sorry.

Laquitar · 26/12/2012 22:33

and now i feel i can not voice any of them.

You have nailed it yourself OP. He wants you to walk on eggshells and to be afraid to question him in case he really leaves you.

But.. you can be in control and leave him.

kickassangel · 26/12/2012 22:33

It isn't so much what the issue is but how he deals with it. The mature way is to sit down, tell you it's a problem then try to resolve it. The immature way is to have a big argument then try to resolve it. The controlling way is to tell you it's over, then when you are vulnerable say he'll take you back if you do what he wants.

And he's done this more than once.

Stand back and decide if you are jealous, but also think about what else about you he tries to change.

Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 26/12/2012 22:34

That's exactly how I feel that my emotions are an inconvenience to him and he tries to control me when he's decided he's had enough of something. If I say this to him he's turns it back on me saying I control him

OP posts:
HandbagCrab · 26/12/2012 22:36

Even if you were Jenna McJealous, the most unreasonably jealous woman who ever existed, would it be ok to tell you this and effectively dump you on boxing day via a phone call?

You may be unreasonably jealous, I don't know, but I do know it's a shitty thing that your dp has done to you. I do know that dumping someone and then telling them they're not dumped if they will fundamentally change who they are is a manipulative thing to do, particularly at Xmas time.

Perhaps if you do have jealousy issues it's time to look for a partner with less baggage who doesn't play on your insecurities and to also look at yourself and how you can feel more confident in yourself and your relationships too. Best of luck :)

Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 26/12/2012 22:37

Kickassangel : he deals with it the immature and controlling way I would say. He doesn't really try to change to change anything else about me that I can think of.

Yes I would go with the fact I am jealous but it's as you say it's not so much the issues but how it's dealt with that worries me

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2012 22:40

Are you going to listen to all of us, OP ?

or are you going to be a whipping boy to your bf's ego ?

Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 26/12/2012 22:42

AF believe me I am listening to you all its just been a shock and it hurts like hell that someone you believed loves you does this and today of all days

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 26/12/2012 22:45

it's just another day

he treats you like shit today..he will do it any other one

Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 27/12/2012 06:37

I feel so very hurt and let down. Over the past month I felt our relationship was on equal footing probably for the first time ever.

Something happened a short time ago which I can't go into which led to me telling him how I felt I couldn't express my feelings without feeling he would somehow turn it on me or control the situation by shouting or withdrawing.

Anyway upshot is I ended it and had few weeks alone during which time he mostly left me alone but then we met and he promised to be handle things differently. I felt understood for the first time in a long time. All was ok or so I thought till this yesterday and its broken me up. I've gone from feeling strong to vey vulnerable

OP posts:
Ahhhcrap · 27/12/2012 07:05

If he's saying he wants you to change your behaviour then that's fine if he's happy to sit and discuss it with you properly.

Threatening you with the end if the relationship to get what he wants us just cruel and controlling. My ExH used to do this to get what he wanted and I still remember the feelings of panic and anxiety it caused. When I finally had enough and didn't fight for my relationship and give in to his demands and move out, it was him that panicked, but by then it was too late.

You need to think hard about if you want to be involved with someone who will resolve conflict and be cruel whenever you do something he doesn't like.

Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 27/12/2012 07:33

What he can't grasp is that if I do have insecurity issues him behaving this way only feeds them yet he's demanding I stop feeling threatened by ex wife. I just feel very unloved when he does this hence it makes me more insecure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 27/12/2012 07:35

I've tried to tell him he needs to discuss it with me if he's pissed off with something I've done and he just says he's tried but nothing changes. I'm doubting myself so much now I don't know if its me or him

OP posts:
Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 27/12/2012 07:45

Thing is I know I'm not blameless and maybe i do give him a hard time over her

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2012 11:27

You are convincing yourself it's all your fault. It won't be long until you are accepting his list of petty demands. Sad

dequoisagitil · 27/12/2012 11:53

It shouldn't be this hard. He's still being controlling, he's reverted back to type. You would be better off letting him go.

garlicbaubles · 27/12/2012 13:15

He's telling you what to feel. That's insane!

Some people, sadly, just don't get that other people's emotions are real and valid. It's almost as though they think of their partners as toys - you know how a young child's teddy is "sad" when the child has to do something they don't like, and "cross" when the child doesn't know how to express her own anger?

I had a partner like that. It was difficult to get my head round the facts. When he said "I just want you to be happy with me", he didn't mean he wanted me to be able to feel happy, or to create a happy environment, or anything else that might require input from him. He just wanted me to "be happy" as a kind of pleasant backdrop for his own feelings. It was ridiculously hard work ... until I caught on and packed it in.

garlicbaubles · 27/12/2012 13:19

Just realised this might need spelling out more, as it did for me.

A nice man would actively want to help you feel better about it. He would sit down and discuss what to change about the way he conducts his relationship with his ex. He would hear your concerns, reassure you, offer solutions and would make the changes. He'd keep checking back with you that you felt okay.

That isn't happening, is it? He's trying to control your feelings instead.

Laquitar · 27/12/2012 13:31

Imo garlic's post is v.good and i hope it can help you rippedpaper. She is right.

Is it possible to give a couple of examples that have made you to feel jelous?

garlic mine wanted me to 'smile' Hmm

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2012 15:40

I second that garlic's post accurately described what is going on here

Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 27/12/2012 19:44

He has told me I need time to think and see if I can accept that she will always be on the scene cos of the kids. if I can't the relationship will to work
Examples of things that make me insecure: he phones every day to ask about the children, they are friendly and chat away. She sees more of his family than even he does, I feel very much on the periphery.

This makes me sound selfish and horrible and he's probably right that I do have a problem. I would never try to stop him contacting the children and am glad he's a good dad not an arse. He just hardly ever phones her in front of me despite promising he would and I get suspicious. Reading this back I think I DO need to change.

OP posts:
maleview70 · 27/12/2012 19:56

You can walk away, it is allowed.

Original poster
Rippedpaperdrivingmemad1 · 27/12/2012 20:01

Yes I know it's allowed but not easy to do if you care for someone. Plus if I do really have an issue then maybe I should look at myself

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 27/12/2012 20:03

You say you can't now say what you want to him but that is a pointless complaint now he has ended things. Or are you already of the mindset you will be changing to fit his demands?

You feel on the periphary - does that mean you never see his family or have anything to do with his children?

JustFabulous · 27/12/2012 20:04

Do you live together? I am just wondering why he would be ringing his ex when he is with you and why you feel the need to listen in on their conversations. If you don't trust him then you have no relationship.

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