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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think it's time for me to either shit or get off the pot.

70 replies

CrispyHedgeHogmanay · 26/12/2012 18:22

Background
long term relationship ended in March, very shortly after I met a guy 10 years younger than me, we both wanted different things in the future so we've been fwb since then. He's been an amazing friend to me, got me through some really bad times this year - looked after me when I was recovering from surgery and again when something horrible happened. I would say he's my best friend with absolutely earth shatteringly amazing sex thrown in.

Now, he's told me he loves me. Wants to be with me properly. He's been incredibly generous with gifts and doing lovely things for me over the last few days.

I don't know what to do. I think the world of him, can't imagine him not being in my life, but realistically any relationship we have would have a limited time span - maybe 5-10 years because he might want to have children and I absolutely don't - plus I'm probably too old now anyway at 43. He says none of that matters, we shouldn't over think things and just see how things go?

OP posts:

AloeSailor · 26/12/2012 18:35

You need to ask him about what he wants for the future.

Susieloo · 26/12/2012 18:38

I would go with it, it sounds like you would have a great relationship and you might miss out on that if you try and think too far ahead and love doesn't come along that often I don't think. I hope you stay friends whatever happens because he sounds lovely

Original poster

CrispyHedgeHogmanay · 26/12/2012 18:43

Thanks you both.

Aloe, he used to say he really wanted marriage and children in the future, but now he's very vague about it.

Susie he is lovely.. he's not perfect but he's great company, very reliable, good fun and did I mention the amazing sex? :o Downside is he's obsessed with football [groan]

I suppose I'm just scared to make a commitment and then have it all go tits up but it wouldn't be fair not to give him a response one way or the other.

OP posts:

Leverette · 26/12/2012 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/12/2012 18:43

Things change. People change. A declaration that he does/does not want children is no guarantee of anything. So if you are happy and he is happy, why not go for it?

ImperialBlether · 26/12/2012 18:48

You lucky thing!

He is the one who said he loved you. You're not coercing him, are you? He has come to you of his own accord and laid his cards on the table.

Are you really so altruistic that you'll say, "No, no, go and make love with another woman and give her a child"?

Do you love him?

forgetmenots · 26/12/2012 18:52

OP, you're looking a gift horse in the mouth! He loves you! Hooray!

(And talk to him about the children thing and why you are reticent. Don't assume anything.)

Alittlestranger · 26/12/2012 18:53

I think you'd be mad not to try. You can't be responsible for keeping his future options open. Just make sure that it's really clear to him that children will not be an option and that he's actually understood the implications of that.

Original poster

CrispyHedgeHogmanay · 26/12/2012 19:03

You lot are making me smile
You're right. I should just go for it and take it as it comes - there are no guarantees in life are there? I think after a lifetime of shit relationships this is just taking some getting used to iyswim?

I think I do love him, but not that fluttery butterfly kind of feeling, more a solid, dependable, know he's there for me kind of feeling. He knows all my issues and accepts them, is very very honest and truthful. Is always where he says he is going to be, rings when he says he will, turns up at the time he says he will, all the stuff women complain that their men don't do. If he goes to the pub with his mates he usually comes back early, like 9ish cos he says he'd rather be with me than boozing it up wiht the lads

He's currently snoring on the sofa in the other room :o

OP posts:

izzyizin · 26/12/2012 20:24

O Crispy, honey. You of all peope so deserve a generous slice of happiness pie with lashings of cream on top

Go for it, and if it doesn't last you'll have a bank of good memories to call on and the knowledge that you can attract caring and respectful men as well as their despicable counterparts.

something2say · 26/12/2012 21:04

I'd take solid and dependable over fluttery any day x
And that goes for sex too!!!!!

izzyizin · 26/12/2012 21:07

'Fluttery' sex, something? Do you wing it?

SnoogyWoo · 26/12/2012 22:05

Met my good lady in 2001 when she was 41 and I was 27. Still together :)

We have renovated property together, been on lots of holidays, started a business with 2 employees and then lost it when she got breast cancer, she has 2 kids that are now 16 and 21 etc etc

Age is only a number and lifes too short for worrying. Just get on with it and see where the road takes you.

Original poster

CrispyHedgeHogmanay · 26/12/2012 23:21

You lot are stars :)

We've had a bit of a chat, and we're gonna give it a bash, see where we end up.

I think part of the reason for my wariness is because the first few months he was planning on moving out of town, so it was very much only ever gonna be a short term thing. However, he got a new job here so he's staying, which is what's made the difference.

Soooo.. gosh :o

OP posts:

lubeybooby · 26/12/2012 23:24

Awww this is lovely :o

Nothing wrong at all in giving it a go. I wanted more children a couple of years ago... now I don't. People and their wants and needs can change!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2012 11:33

Good luck, crispy x

forgetmenots · 27/12/2012 11:36

Very exciting crispy - good luck!

Original poster

CrispyHedgeHogmanay · 29/12/2012 13:14

Thanks again all of you. I was just over thinking it I think.
have had a lovely few days, he went home yesterday, coming back later tho :o

AF I wouldn't be here without you and Izzy and some other wonderful poster's help so THANK YOU

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2012 13:56

Take care crispy, you deserve some happiness x

girlsyearapart · 29/12/2012 14:03

I was going to ask what team he supports & take my advice from there but it looks like you've decided to go for it so congratulations

Original poster

CrispyHedgeHogmanay · 29/12/2012 14:32

haha.. liverpool.. is that bad?

OP posts:

sleeplessinsuburbia · 29/12/2012 14:49

I have the same age gap and history with my dh, and we're both incredibly happy. I think I had the same reservations/concerns as you but they're gone now. I'm glad you went for it, I really appreciated being told not to stress about it in the early days.

worsestershiresauce · 29/12/2012 15:19

As an aside, 43 is not too old to have children.... just in case even a tiny part of you is wavering. I was adamant I never wanted children, until all of a sudden I did. Life is strange like that.

Hope everything goes well for you - he sounds lovely.

countrykitten · 29/12/2012 16:59

Good for you - go for it! He sounds great and fwiw solid and dependable makes for a great foundation for a relationship. Took me a good while to realise this and I am with someone 6 years younger than me so not so different to you. Age is pretty meaningless if you love each other.

girlsyearapart · 29/12/2012 17:37

No I can live with that- if he's from Liverpool that's even better.

So go for it

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