I don't understand why he's being like this. Am I in the wrong?

[FrenchRuby]

Me and dh have been together 7 years in Jan. I have a male best friend, we've known each other since I was 15 (coming up to 10 years now). For some reason dh hates him, our friendship, and the fact we're close. There has never ever been any kind of romantic feelings between us, it's more a brother/sister type thing. We text most days, but I've never been secretive about it, text just about how out days are etc...
Anyway yesterday best fried text me to say he'd finished work and was trying not to fall asleep in the bus. Then dd got hold of my phone and dh took it off of her and said to me 'I wasn't looking AT your phone but why is sending you a text saying he's home now?' So I explained about the falling asleep thing but he went nuts saying 'he was round here today wasn't he???' Then I got the silent treatment all last night. For a harmless text. I don't understand what I've done wrong? He has friends that are girls and I don't have a problem with it.
This morning he said I don't pay enough attention to him, but I don't see how that's the case? I'm home every night, I sit in the living room and watch films with him and chat to him but most of the time he's in his phone so I give up an play games on my phone.
Sorry if that doesn't make any sense I just don't understand what I've done wrong :(

You met your DH when you were 18, then?

Can you tell us why you had a relationship with him, rather than with your friend?

It doesn't sound as though your husband is much fun in the evenings. Is that right?

Do you have children?

We have 2 kids.
do you mean why did I not get together with my friend? Because we're friends, I've never seen him in that way.

you haven't done anything wrong at all.

He might have done though.

Accusing a partner of being unfaithful often happens when the accuser has been unfaithful himself. This together with the 'you don't pay me enough attention' is part of the justification for the infidelity.

I don't think he has, I mean he'd never have the time. He works a lot and when he's not working he's at home.

Ha, sorry but that's what they all think! Where there's a will there's a way.

That's what everyone says.

There's always the time. People often say they are where they are not - especially work.

I know he's at work because his rota is online. I often check it to see what days off he has to make plans (he tells me to do this, I'm not checking up on him or anything)

Whether or not there is anything between you and your male friend (and are you sure he sees you the same way?), it is ok for your dh to feel jealous. What you need to do is not ignore the validity of his feelings, and try to have a good conversation about them. Do you feel closer to your friend than to your dh? Do you spend more time with your friend? All these things need discussing.

Yes but it doesn't show faked dentist and doctor appts., or longer lunchtimes.

Any other signs? Using porn a lot? Attached to his phone? Grumpy and irritable?

If he's always been jealous of the friendship, there is no reason to think he's having an affair now.

I don't spend any time with my friend! I purposely don't go out on nights out with him because I can't be bothered with the fall
Out with dh.
I went into his work once to say hi (he works in the high street) and dh phoned me and I said 'oh I'm in the shop to get a drink so I'm just quickly saying hi to ***' and he said ' why are you there? Why are you trying to piss me off' I'd just gone to say hi!
I've asked him why he feel like he does and he never really explains just says sorry and then it's back like it always is the next time his name comes up.

Is it time to force the issue with your dh? Make him spell out his problem. There may be things you don't know.

If it came down to choosing, who would you choose?

I should mention that my best friend is the worst but he does get really annoyed if I talk to any other guy friends I have, just not to the same extent as my friend.

I've tried! This morning I did and he said its because I don't pay enough attention to him.
I'd chose dh if course but I don't understand why I should have to :( we've been friends for such a long time.

Doesnt sound to me like your husband is deflecting an affair of his own at all. It does sound like he is very jealous though and possibly controlling too.

Do you go out with other friends, or do you stay in all the time, because it isnt worth the aggro that you get when you go home? Take it from me, that is a relationship killer.

I go out on my own maybe once every 3-4 months but I always get a million and one questions when I get home, first question always being 'did any guys hit on you?'

If his only reason is because you "don't pay attention to him" then he sounds infantile tbh.

He says he's depressed but he won't go and see anyone about it. I told him I'd go with him but he refuses.

Your dh sounds like an abusive controller. He is manipulating you by not liking your friends, having a go at you when you speak to your friends and makes you sit around at night doing nothing because you dont like the fall out.

Id b taking a long hard look at my relationship and possible think about leaving him.

He's supportive in so many other ways though and he's a brilliant dad.
I just don't want to lose my oldest friendship over this, I would actually be gutted :(

If you tell him that his jealousy is jeopardising your relationship, would he go to relate with you to discuss it?

By the way, jealousy has nothing to do with depression.

I dont think he would.

You need to knock this on the head once and for all.

Otherwise it's going to build itself into your relationship dynamic permanently, and chip away at the love and respect.

Sit him down and tell him that unless he gets a grip and stops with this behaviour, your relationship will fail. Maybe not right now, but you won't go the distance.

Tell him this has nothing to do with your friend, and when you eventually leave him because of this issue, your friend will be the last thing on your mind.

Make it CLEAR that you will not stay with a husband who makes your life a misery with his jealousy. A husband who doesn't respect you enough to assume you will be faithful. Who makes it clear he thinks, deep down, that you are nothing better than a slut (yes, use that word. Give him a shock - this IS essentially what his behaviour is saying to you). That you won't have your children learn from a nasty, suspicious, sniping, mean-spirited father and eventually you would make the decision to protect them from that attitude.

Scare the bejesus out of him with a clear picture of what the future holds unless he GROWS THE FUCK UP.

Tell him that as you don't think he's man enough to get help for this, you're warning him now that the other option -splitting- is looking more and more likely.

Then sit back and say - that is your warning. It's up to you what you do.

That's some brilliant advice, thanks I will try that :)

Your husband sounds like a cock

You already modify your behaviour to pacify him...every time you do that, the problem gets worse

If was being reasonable about it, fair enough. But he is not.