Worried DP is lying to me again

[FeelSick]

I can't believe I'm having to write this, particularly on Christmas Eve of all days. But I need to share this and figure out what to do.

Me and DP have been together for 5 years. In the first year of our relationship, I knew he still spoke to his ex now and again. It didn't really bother me, until I found out that when on MSN, they flirted and said inappropriate things and basically it was an emotional affair. I felt betrayed, I lost my trust in him, and it took a long time for him to rebuild it, but he did and we got to a point where we were back to being happy. We now have a 12 week old baby together, as well as my 10 year old DD from a previous relationship before DP.

However, I noticed a while back that DP had 3 MSN apps on his mobile. I thought this was odd and mentioned it to him and he said that when the app was updated, it saved 3 different apps for some strange reason. Thought nothing else of it. When I was using DP's mobile for an app that plays white noise to settle DS, I went to close the app in the background which is something DP is always adamant I should do to save power etc and something I should be doing on my own phone which I never do, I noticed that he had been on MSN and I could see that he had been trying to speak to a girl who hadn't responded. I have never heard of this girl so immediately alarm bells rang for me. I tried to see if there was any chat history but there wasn't. I contemplated asking him who she was since it came up in his apps running in the background and wasn't me snooping, but I never did.

Instead this morning I decided to look at his phone. The past few nights I haven't been able to sleep as it's on my mind. I checked his MSN again but no chat history. I have now turned that function on. I checked his browser history and found a load of porn sites. This shocked me a little as recently he has been different in the way he speaks to me and particularly during sex. He's woken me up a couple of times in the middle of the night for it which I haven't been happy about because let's face it, we have a 12 week old baby and sleep is very precious at the moment! But now I understand why he comes to bed and is horny...

I could probably deal with the fact that he goes on porn sites, but he has also been going on websites where you chat to girls. He has also been googling for this girl he has been talking to on MSN. It just feels so wrong to me and it just reminds me of when he was talking to his ex years ago, and after I had found all this out, I went to the bathroom and threw up loads. My hands are shaking and I feel sick to my stomach. I took pictures of the history on my phone and emailed them to myself as I don't know how to do screenshots on his phone. I want to confront him about it, but I know he'll think I'm overreacting, and I really don't want to ruin Christmas but I just feel horrible about this whole situation. I don't like it one bit :(

Oh and another thing while I'm at it, it was our 5 year anniversary the other day, and he forgot it which really upset me though I tried not to show it. He has also been acting weird lately too, which has been making me worry more too.

Handholding until someone with wise advice turns up

Oh you poor love. I think you are totally justified in kicking his sorry arse out now but I suppose it's Christmas eve and that makes things difficult as you have children. How do you want this to go? Do you want to make it work with him? Could you bear to leave it for a few days to check his phone again and get some more evidence of what he's been up to?
Think calmly and rationally about this and give yourself time to decide what you want to happen so you are in control, not him.

why are you staying with him?

You must feel betrayed.

You do need to confront him at some point.

It will be hard to put on a brave face over Christmas as your Christmas is already ruined thanks to him and his selfish actions.

I don't really know what to think. The way I feel at the moment, I want to tell him to go to his familys over Christmas because I don't want to be round him, but I don't want to do that to DC. I was lying next to him in bed when I found this all out and I just couldn't stay there a minute longer. I don't know what to do or to think or what I want at the moment. All I can think is thank god I went back on my anti depressants a couple of weeks ago cos I'm sure as hell gonna need them to kick in asap :(

HotChoc Betrayed is definitely how I feel. That's how I felt last time, and it just feels like he's kicked me in the stomach. I don't think I'd mind so much if it was just the porn, but I can't deal with the chats and this other girl. That makes it personal.

Convert I think I'll be checking his phone every chance I get now. He usually stays up with DS during the night as at the moment DS is very unsettled because he has a cold so doesn't usually go to sleep properly til 5am. Now I just feel like I can't trust him and leave him alone whilst I go to sleep...

He just came in as DS woke up. I started trying to throw up after he left the room :(

You need to gather your evidence and confront him
Horrible feeling I know

I wish I had been a bit sharper and screenshot his phone the other day. I will see what happens over the next couple of days if I can bare it but I don't know if I can even last today which sucks since we have panto, church and going to my dad's for dinner today.

I understand what you mean about the porn but you need to be aware that there is a strong link between porn and infidelity - sometimes via webcams/chat rooms etc so both the porn and cheating do need to be addressed.

He has form for the cheating and is therefore very unlikely to change

Can you take your DC to your parents for Christmas?

True. Oh god I dunno what to think. I can't go to my mum's as we have a crap relationship and can't stay at my dad's as they have a full house as it is.

Can't stop trying to be sick now. I have to go out in less than an hour to panto but I just feel today is ruined and I'm not going to be able to enjoy myself. He's suppose to be going to the shops today as well to get me a Christmas present as he's left it to the last minute yet again. He had said to me the other day he had gone looking in a jewellers and I just thought that was really odd and urgh I just don't want to be around him right now.

I understand, it wouldn't bother me if DH was looking at porn but actively having interaction with someone else is a step too far. You having to cope with a tiny baby makes all this more difficult.
If he admitted to all of it and said how sorry he was and wouldn't do it again would you want your relationship to continue? That is for only you to decide, it doesn't matter what other people think or would do in your suituation.
I will be honest and say that I had a 'flirtation' if I am being kind to myself or an 'emotional affair' if I wasn't. I was feeling neglected and my DH was so wrapped up in work and this bloke was paying me lots of attention and I just kind of fell in to it. That doesn't excuse what I did but it's how it happened. Nothing really happened but my DH found out and forgave me. I was very lucky and I realised what i had done and would never allow it to happen again.
What I am trying to say is if it was a stupid mistake it wouldn't be so bad but if he has done this before, maybe he will always continue to do so and how can you trust him again? A relationship with no trust is nothing.
Sorry I am rambling now, I just really feel for you.
Can you maybe ask him to go to his parents for Christmas and tell your DC that he is ill and doesn't want to infect you all?

He is acting really badly isn't he? How awful that you can't even go to sleep without worrying about what he's doing. And how highly does he think of you, that he's left buying your present until Christmas Eve.

I think it's easy for people to become addicted to porn online and to chatting to people in an inappropriate way. In my experience it doesn't matter what you do to try to stop it, until he wants to stop, it won't stop.

What sort of man is he normally?

How are you feeling OP?

puds not sure tbh. Just got back home, feel really unhappy, DP knows something is up.

imperial usually he's a good man, very loving and affectionate, tells me more than once that he loves me a day, lately he's been telling me how lucky he is to have me and stuff which I thought was a bit odd if I'm honest, he's a good father, brilliant with my DD who's father is useless, didn't even give her a birthday present for her 10th birthday... And after what happened last time and how upset he knew it made me, I would have thought he would have known better, unless he seems to think that because he doesn't know them personally and then that's ok?? I just don't understand.

convert thanks for sharing that. I've been guilty of it as well, but that was with my ex who made me miserable, hit me and wouldn't let me leave. I started talking to an ex of mine who I still loved and he helped me get out of that relationship. But I wasn't happy and wanted out, so it makes me wonder if that is how DP feels but now we have DS he feels like he can't leave?

I just feel really miserable, want to just cry, DP keeps asking what's wrong and I just want to blert it out but thinking of the DC.

It sounds to me he has already done some cheating , hence the over the top declarations of love and the hint about the jewellers. Prepare yourself for a marriage proposal.

If you want Christmas day on your own with your children that is what you should do. The baby won't have a clue and you can tell your older child something other than the truth for now.

I have thought he might. I don't know what to do about tomorrow. I might try and see if I can get on his phone again later and decide then. Usually he deletes his history so clearly forgot to do so last night. God knows how long this has gone on for. He's gone to get me my present, I did tell him not to bother but he said he wanted to get me one but it's gonna be something that won't mean anything since it's so last minute. I've wrote all my feelings down in a letter, doubt I'll give it to him but its cleared my head a little. But I just know when I confront him, he'll just be like "but its only porn" and won't see it as a problem... Oh god I feel sick :(

If it is a problem for you then there isn't anything wrong with that. Is it a deal breaker though?

Him talking to exes, that is wrong but again, is it a deal breaker?

Him talking on line to women he doesn't know, if it is a problem for you then that is fine. Deal breaker?

I am so sorry you are having this stress so soon after having your baby.

Just quick update as at my dads and got sleeping baby on me but managed to get DD to get his phone off him as she plays a game on there and I just checked his history and there are about 20 more videos/websites he has looked at whilst me and DD were out today. Have taken some photos. Will work out what to do later when DD's gone bed. Shall reply again later.

Home now so I can reply to you properly justfabulous. I'm not sure tbh, I think it totally relies on how he reacts to it when I confront him. If he reacts badly and says I'm overreacting and doesn't consider my feelings then I want him out over Christmas. If he admits it and says he's sorry, I'm gonna have to take some time to think about the next step and what that would be.

I've been able to act normally around him for DC sake but DD knows something is up, she keeps asking if I'm ok and commented that I looked sad earlier. I'm currently hiding in the bathroom as both DC are asleep and I know I need to talk to him about this tonight otherwise there's no way I can attempt to be happy tomorrow!

And I've just been sick again after trying to figure out what I'd even say or how to even start it without giving him the chance to accuse me of snooping and making it out to be my fault in some way... He's not usually like that but I'm worried that's how he'll react.

So I spoke to him. Well I ended up having a panic attack and he kept asking what was wrong so I caved. He told me the girl is just someone he knows and spoke to and he googled her because he was trying to add her on Facebook. He's not been on a chat online with girls website although I've just looked at the history photos I took and he definitely googled the site. He also said "it's just porn". At which point I started crying uncontrollably and he said to me he would never cheat on me and I had to leave so now sat in bedroom wondering what the hell to do next.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. And tonight of all nights. Holding your hand.

I had something similar recently with my DP. I found out he was using porn, he denied it, I checked his laptop for a time afterwards and his use was quite prolific imo.
As other posters have said, if it bothers you, then it is not ok. It wasn't ok with me either.