Worried DP is lying to me again

[FeelSick]

I can't believe I'm having to write this, particularly on Christmas Eve of all days. But I need to share this and figure out what to do.

Me and DP have been together for 5 years. In the first year of our relationship, I knew he still spoke to his ex now and again. It didn't really bother me, until I found out that when on MSN, they flirted and said inappropriate things and basically it was an emotional affair. I felt betrayed, I lost my trust in him, and it took a long time for him to rebuild it, but he did and we got to a point where we were back to being happy. We now have a 12 week old baby together, as well as my 10 year old DD from a previous relationship before DP.

However, I noticed a while back that DP had 3 MSN apps on his mobile. I thought this was odd and mentioned it to him and he said that when the app was updated, it saved 3 different apps for some strange reason. Thought nothing else of it. When I was using DP's mobile for an app that plays white noise to settle DS, I went to close the app in the background which is something DP is always adamant I should do to save power etc and something I should be doing on my own phone which I never do, I noticed that he had been on MSN and I could see that he had been trying to speak to a girl who hadn't responded. I have never heard of this girl so immediately alarm bells rang for me. I tried to see if there was any chat history but there wasn't. I contemplated asking him who she was since it came up in his apps running in the background and wasn't me snooping, but I never did.

Instead this morning I decided to look at his phone. The past few nights I haven't been able to sleep as it's on my mind. I checked his MSN again but no chat history. I have now turned that function on. I checked his browser history and found a load of porn sites. This shocked me a little as recently he has been different in the way he speaks to me and particularly during sex. He's woken me up a couple of times in the middle of the night for it which I haven't been happy about because let's face it, we have a 12 week old baby and sleep is very precious at the moment! But now I understand why he comes to bed and is horny...

I could probably deal with the fact that he goes on porn sites, but he has also been going on websites where you chat to girls. He has also been googling for this girl he has been talking to on MSN. It just feels so wrong to me and it just reminds me of when he was talking to his ex years ago, and after I had found all this out, I went to the bathroom and threw up loads. My hands are shaking and I feel sick to my stomach. I took pictures of the history on my phone and emailed them to myself as I don't know how to do screenshots on his phone. I want to confront him about it, but I know he'll think I'm overreacting, and I really don't want to ruin Christmas but I just feel horrible about this whole situation. I don't like it one bit :(

So clearly, you have not read my posts properly. I watch porn and I am a woman. Am I making excuses for myself also?

I also said that porn use would become a problem for me if my partner substituted it for our sex life or if I felt neglected because of it. If none of that is happening, I (me personally, I'm not forcing my opinion on anyone else) don't see the problem.

And FWIW, I wouldn't watch porn and think 'maybe that woman is being taken advantage of' just as I wouldn't buy a pair of shoes and think 'maybe slave/child labour made these shoes'. If she looks like she's enjoying herself why would I assume something sinister? Believe it or not there are some people who like to make porn and people who like to watch porn. Shock horror!

You just keep telling yourself that and all will be well

HotChoc - probably because the guy is holding a camera the majority of the time? Clearly, you don't enjoy or agree with porn, which is fine. Just because I do does not mean I am 'contributing' to the abuse of vunerable or trafficked women. The porn we watch is standard POV with one man and one woman. The porn my partner watches without me is again, quite standard and normal. No abuse or trafficked women, as far as we can tell

I was once naive about porn until I looked into it and was shocked to discover the realities of the porn industry and its links with human trafficking, prostitution, underage girls and gangs. The porn does not even have to be hard core.

As a mother of teens and fellow human being, there is no way I would want to orgasm to such images knowing what could be going on.

• as a fellow human being

I don't think I am naive to that extent, of course there is terrible abuse involving young women and even children that can be accessed, I just choose not to.

I get what you are saying, I just refuse to believe that every single bit of porn ever made involves abuse/victims/trafficked women etc. I'm not that cynical or negative to be honest.

And, I am quite shocked at the response I have got for admitting I watch porn and asking the OP why her DP's porn use upset her. I did not once say 'it's only porn, give it a rest/get over it, etc' as I understand and appreciate that everyone is different and I would never judge someone for having a different opinion to me.

Shame not all posters have the same attitude.

I judge people who use porn. They are prioritising their own orgasm over the (however small) possibility that they are watching filmed abuse.

We'll agree to disagree then.

I agree there isn't much in the way of defence against a statement like that

The Jaffa Cake equivalent to sticking your fingers in your ears and going "la la la laaaa"