Worried DP is lying to me again

[FeelSick]

I can't believe I'm having to write this, particularly on Christmas Eve of all days. But I need to share this and figure out what to do.

Me and DP have been together for 5 years. In the first year of our relationship, I knew he still spoke to his ex now and again. It didn't really bother me, until I found out that when on MSN, they flirted and said inappropriate things and basically it was an emotional affair. I felt betrayed, I lost my trust in him, and it took a long time for him to rebuild it, but he did and we got to a point where we were back to being happy. We now have a 12 week old baby together, as well as my 10 year old DD from a previous relationship before DP.

However, I noticed a while back that DP had 3 MSN apps on his mobile. I thought this was odd and mentioned it to him and he said that when the app was updated, it saved 3 different apps for some strange reason. Thought nothing else of it. When I was using DP's mobile for an app that plays white noise to settle DS, I went to close the app in the background which is something DP is always adamant I should do to save power etc and something I should be doing on my own phone which I never do, I noticed that he had been on MSN and I could see that he had been trying to speak to a girl who hadn't responded. I have never heard of this girl so immediately alarm bells rang for me. I tried to see if there was any chat history but there wasn't. I contemplated asking him who she was since it came up in his apps running in the background and wasn't me snooping, but I never did.

Instead this morning I decided to look at his phone. The past few nights I haven't been able to sleep as it's on my mind. I checked his MSN again but no chat history. I have now turned that function on. I checked his browser history and found a load of porn sites. This shocked me a little as recently he has been different in the way he speaks to me and particularly during sex. He's woken me up a couple of times in the middle of the night for it which I haven't been happy about because let's face it, we have a 12 week old baby and sleep is very precious at the moment! But now I understand why he comes to bed and is horny...

I could probably deal with the fact that he goes on porn sites, but he has also been going on websites where you chat to girls. He has also been googling for this girl he has been talking to on MSN. It just feels so wrong to me and it just reminds me of when he was talking to his ex years ago, and after I had found all this out, I went to the bathroom and threw up loads. My hands are shaking and I feel sick to my stomach. I took pictures of the history on my phone and emailed them to myself as I don't know how to do screenshots on his phone. I want to confront him about it, but I know he'll think I'm overreacting, and I really don't want to ruin Christmas but I just feel horrible about this whole situation. I don't like it one bit :(

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hope you're doing ok (stupid thing to say, sorry!) follow you're gut on this one. Do what you feel is right and if you think that's asking him to stay away over Christmas then do it. Its just not worth you being ill. Here for hand holding xxxx

And agree with pear if you feel so upset by it then its not ok. That's not a functioning relationship

Really feel for you.

He is minimising and lying, as you predicted.

Have you decided what to do? In your position I would have to kick him out. I wouldn't be able to play happy families at Cheistmas with him.

Agree with other posters, if it's making you feel this bad it is not ok.

One thing that struck me as "odd" with his explanation, is that he googled the girl to add her on fb. So he knows her and talks to her but doesn't know her name to search her on fb? And if he doesn't know her name, how could he google her? Sounds a bit suspect to me but I hope I'm wrong.

It does really sound like he's minimising to me I would be asking him why he's googling web cam/chat sites in the first place. Actually, I would be asking him what the fuck he thinks he's doing even thinking about googling those types of sites I don't know if I would be trying to get more (honest) info from him, or sending him away for a few days, but I would not be just letting it go, you deserve better than that.

Really hope you're ok OP, I too suffer from getting sick when I'm scared/upset..the only thing that works for me is to try to get angry rather than upset, that doesn't seem to affect my tummy as much.

He lied when you asked about it. That for me would be enough and he would be out.

Hi Feelsick, just wondered if you are ok and how Christmas went for you and DC?

Hi all. Things have been a bit all over the place. Very stressful. DP spent Christmas with us. Didn't have the heart to upset DD with him not being here. She's already been upset because of her biological father recently.

We've spoken. DP said that he just looked at the porn because he's been very stressed (which I know is true, MIL is very ill and in hospital) and needed an outlet but we've not been particularly sexually active because 1) I don't think I'm ready to try, and 2) I'm just too tired. He's deleted MSN off his phone, saying he'd rather get rid of it all together if it upsets me so much and will stop watching porn. He got very upset, started crying, something I rarely ever see as it takes a lot to make him cry. He said he felt like I was going to leave him and he didn't want me to so would do anything and feels like an idiot for doing stupid things to jeapodise our relationship.

So at the moment we're seeing how things go. I'm keeping an eye on his phone for now. Any other signs then I think it'll be over.

But just thought I'd quickly update you whilst I can. Thanks for your support xx

They always seem to be able to turn on the tears easily - he's crying for himself, not because he has hurt you.

Keep watching his actions - if he knows you will be checking his phone, he may get a second phone so be warned.

Also what will he do next time he's stressed? He does not need to use porn to have a wank

I really do hope he knows this is his LAST chance...

Not sure what to think about any of this. On the one hand you sound overly anxious [ many of your posts refer to you vomiting...you seem to be being sick most day? As in physically sick, which sounds like a sign of high anxiety to me ] And then there is the 'evidence'....

he sounds like a bit of a dick - and it sounds like he enjoys ' attention' from other women where he can get it.

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you. I doubt he'll change, he sounds like a man child.

Hope things work out for you and he realises how stupid he has been x

I just wanted to add that if he has an iPhone, screenshot is done by pressing home and the lock key at the same time. The screen will flash and the screenshot is saved in images, so you can email it to yourself and delete it or whatever.

That said, I hope that this sorts itself out.

Well I feel like a dickhead. Checked DP's phone and he had googled naked girls last night. I can't trust him and I'm so disappointed and angry with him. Looks like he leaves me no choice. Plus lately he's been trying hard with me, brought me an iPad, going on about engagement rings, constantly saying how much he loves me... I'm such a mug :(

Oh dear. Now you know it was all pretty words and empty promises. This man child is not to be trusted.

What will you do now?

Yup. And tbh I knew it most likely was, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt since it was Christmas and our son was only 12 weeks old at the time. Currently waiting for HV to turn up and once she's gone, I'm going to wake him up, show him the page on his phone, and then tell him to leave. I don't want him near me. I even said to him yesterday that I felt he was being over affectionate as he was constantly saying things like "do you know how much I love you?" and blah blah blah. It felt odd to me and something didn't feel right. I'm just full of anger at the moment, partly at myself for having stupidly given him another chance... Stupid stupid me.

You can hold your head up knowing YOU did everything you could to save the marriage.

He is the STUPID one, throwing away his family, marriage etc all for cheap seedy thrills. He failed you, his DC and himself.

Good luck when you kick him out.

I guess. I'm hoping I can keep a hold of this anger and not get upset when I do. I wish I had friends that lived near by so I wouldn't be alone.

FeelSick - I'm sorry you are so upset and that you feel betrayed by your DP. I can totally understand why you feel this way re. him googling another woman and talking to her on MSN and definitely him going on websites to talk to other women. That is massively out of order and he should feel very much ashamed of himself.

I don't want to get flamed (dons fire-proof suit) by yourself or any other posters on here but I must ask why the porn bothers you so much? I am not defending your DP or saying you shouldn't feel hurt by it, I'm just curious as to why it's upset you (and others who have found their partners using porn) so much?

You mention in your posts that he is very affectionate towards you and that he clearly does want to have sex with you (understandably, you don't feel ready after only 12 weeks of giving birth). My partner also uses porn, in fact he has several sites actually bookmarked on his iphone and ipad. The reason it doesn't bother me is that he still takes care of me in the bedroom and we have a good sex life. It would become a problem if I felt I was being substituted/neglected for porn.

I also don't think you should automatically jump to conclusions about him hinting at marriage as something he has done out of guilt. And I think that a PP saying that he may have cheated on you already and that is why is he has hinted at a proposal (because he feels guilty) is a very cynical thing to say. Men are idiotic creatures (not to say that their behaviour should be excused!) but maybe he hasn't cheated on you and is just being a prat, albeit a big one!

I know I've rambled on a bit and I know I probably haven't even made sense but I just wanted to put an opposing view across. Have you thought about couples counselling? Maybe if you could both talk honestly about things then you may be able to mend your relationship? Like a PP said, just think about whether these things are deal breakers. If they are then, of course, kick his arse to the curb but if they can be worked on and perhaps resolved, think carefully about the options you have available to you.

I don't want to get flamed (dons fire-proof suit) by yourself or any other posters on here but I must ask why the porn bothers you so much? I am not defending your DP or saying you shouldn't feel hurt by it, I'm just curious as to why it's upset you (and others who have found their partners using porn) so much?

Not speaking for OP, porn is a deal breaker for me for various reasons and the two main reasons are that I do not wish to participate in the sex industry where vulnerable (or worse, trafficked/abused) women are being used. The other is that porn can damage relationships, I do not want my DH to be seeking sexual kicks outside of our marriage and there is link between porn and infidelity (often via webcams, chat rooms and escorts).

As for couples counselling - he is incapable of being honest so I very much doubt there is any point. It is only worth it if he is committed to changing and making the relationship work and there is nothing from him to show this.

HotChoc - thanks for your point of view. To be honest, I have never even contemplated trafficked/abused women in porn, probably because the porn my partner and I watch is mostly amature porn (consenting real life couples).

I can't really speak on the link between porn and infidelity because I'm sure there are people that do more than watch porn without their partners, however, I watch porn seperate from my partner and I know I would never cheat on him. So I can say that it doesn't apply to everyone who watches porn, especially if watching porn is a joint interest.

Hmm, yes I see your point re. counselling. Especially after the OP confronted her DP about it and then he googled naked women after she had voiced how hurt it made her.

OP - if you do decide to leave him then at least you can know you did all you felt you could to save the relationship. It will definitely be his loss.

The link between porn and cheating is proven in OP's case. You are right that not every porn user will end up cheating. However the more one uses porn, he/she becomes de-sensitised and starts to look for harder hits via more extreme or more interactive forms of porn...

As for amateur porn - how do you know all parties have consented to the filming AND distribution of their sexual activities

Happy you have no issue with the lying this man has done then ?

That would be the dealbreaker for me (and for many other women)

Your excuse-making for inadequate men is quite something to behold...did you even realise you do it ?

OP, you should not feel stupid for giving him another chance. He is the stupid one. If he had no intention of trying to address his compulsive use of porn, he should have been honest with you so that you could have made your decison on that premise

instead, he misled you and carried on doing what the fuck he liked (knowing it was a dealbreaker for you)

Wave him on his way...those pictures of scantily-clad ladies will keep him warm at night, I am sure

based on that premise

AnyFucker - I haven't made any excuses for her partner, I said that in my original post. "I am not defending your DP or saying you shouldn't feel hurt by it"

In my subsequent post I touched on the fact he carried on doing it after the OP had confronted him.

I was merely curious as to why his porn use upset her. It was a question to understand her point of view, as obviously, it differs from mine. I wasn't making excuses for her DP at all.

I just think I would be more upset about the actual woman he was talking to/googling/msn messaging more than him looking at porn. But like I say, that's my point of view. Just because it differs from yours doesn't mean I'm making excuses for him, he's obviously not taking her seriously and hurting her feelings...why would I make excuses for that?

HotChoc - probably because the guy is holding a camera the majority of the time? Clearly, you don't enjoy or agree with porn, which is fine. Just because I do does not mean I am 'contributing' to the abuse of vunerable or trafficked women. The porn we watch is standard POV with one man and one woman. The porn my partner watches without me is again, quite standard and normal. No abuse or trafficked women, as far as we can tell.

If you don't want to watch it, fine, but don't make others feel bad because they do.

Anyone who considers porn use as "just something men do" is making excuses for them. This man is a compulsive porn user. He rates it more highly than the goodwill and respect of his partner. There is no excuse for that.

No abuse/trafficking "as far as you can tell". You can't tell...that is precisely the point.