Husband never orgasms

[sexlifedisaster]

I'm a regular who has NC, purely because I want unbiased opinions on this matter.

I won't dripfeed, but will start off by saying that yes, we do have far bigger issues - or at least I do, DH is perfectly happy, that have caused MN to repeatedly call "LTB". As I said though, I'm just after opinions on this matter alone.

We had a voracious sex life, really rampant, until our honeymoon, when suddenly DH had trouble coming a few times (had managed 2x a day till then).

It happened sporadically, and I put it down to tiredness, stress etc.

We didn't have sex for 6 months following my pregnancy. In that time I lost a lot of weight (about half my starting weight), have exercised loads, and now have a slim, toned body, that befits a woman half my age. I've also started to get hit on by other guys now as well.

DH is proud of me, he loves to have me on his arm etc. He gropes me in the day... but at night, well - he's always got an excuse. Either that or we do have sex, but it lacks passion and then he doesn't come. He remains hard, but he gives up within minutes.

I admit I do find it a real kick in the teeth. I used to get upset, but don't anymore. I've tried to be understanding, but I am now fed up with it. It does affect my esteem, how can it not? He can't come in me, yet he tells me aout previous GFs who he didn't like, but used for a "shag", who he had no problem getting there with.

I can't help but feel that he's just not into me, not enough. Not enough to be passionate & let himself go.

The other 'odd' thing. He gets up when I'm asleep. I've come downstairs to see what he's at, and he tends to just be on his laptop, having a fag. Of course I'm wondering if he's having a wank, but I've never caught him.

He swears he doesn't watch porn, or masturbate, but he never comes with me anymore.

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Inability to ejaculate could be medical, I suppose, but it's much more common for it to be due to reduced sensitivity caused by over-reliance on masturbation. Suspect he's lying about his midnight trysts with the lap-top. If there are 'LTB'- worthy problems in your relationship already, this sounds like another one.

Thank you Cog. I'm glad you said that, only because it's the only issue he admits we have (though my fault of course).

I don't think it's medical. He's been checked for diabetes, high BP etc, and is fine. It's also progressed, so not a sudden new thing. That and his low libido (for me at least), make me feel undesirable.

I have badgered him about masturbating, even admitting to having the odd sneaky session myself but he just denies, and gets angry that I'm questioning his "integrity".

Nothing wrong with masturbation, of course. But like any other sexual/emotional/physical distraction, if it starts getting in the way of a healthy relationship, it's a problem. I would think he's lying therefore.

No chance he could be gay is there? A formerly-married but now out and proud as gay friend once told me that he could 'go all night' with his ex-wife and never come. Not her fault of course. He needed quite a different stimulus.

Cog I have wondered that, though he prides himself on being red-blooded.

He does like anal, though I guess lots of men do, so it means nothing. He's not even been interested in that lately though.

I did once find some gay porn, but he explained that he was "curious", and was amongst regular stuff.

I guess until he talks honestly then I'll get nowhere :(

This may sound silly but...

Did he just prefer you with more curves? I know that when my weight changes different men pay more/less attention. They can't help it, we all have a 'type' and he obviously LOVED what you were before you were married.

I'm female but guessing that if I was a hips & tits kind of a guy (or whatever) who suddenly found myself with a 'page boy' (or whatever else) I might have trouble too?

Could also be around self-esteem, has he changed shape too? Do you now make him feel fat/unfit?

The other posters may have good points too... just thought I'd throw some other ideas into the mix.

Plus of course sex /isn't/ usually totally separate from whatever else is going on.

Good luck both of you.

How much does he drink?

Thanks Ginger, I don't think so though. He avoided sex altogether when I was bigger. I'm not page boy like, I am slim, but have a waist, big(ish) boobs (they never go).

He makes a lot of fuss over my bottom now, saying how nice it is.

He has no problem getting hard, he even stays hard after he's 'given up', he just doesn't seem to want to 'surrender' himself to me.

He also shuts his eyes... I don't know if that's significant? He used to look me in the eye when having sex, now he shuts his eyes.

Whatever it is I feel shit. I wouldn't cheat, but am being flattered by others, and could easily understand how others cheat... especially if they give themselves to someone who doesn't want them.

Llareggub Nothing, zilch... neither of us drink at all.

DH suffers from retarded ejaculation but has managed it at least twice (we've two DC to prove it). He cannot manage to ejaculate with a condom on. He can only manage it on his own or with me during intercourse (but only on a rare occasion).

OP, I know where you're coming from. It is frustrating. DH is only concerned that I can climax which I do 9 times out of 10 during intercourse (very lucky). Doesn't help me though that I always feel he's not enjoyed himself but he insists that he doesn't need to come to enjoy it. I don't believe him though....surely, male or female, you need some sort of release??

He shuts his eyes? Wow. That would hurt a lot. :(

I had one partner who actively avoided cumming because he said he felt deflated afterwards, and would rather stay in the moment. But it doesn't sound like that's what your H is doing.

I'm at a bit of a loss, but didn't want to read and run, as you sound so miserable.

p.s. DH isn't gay, he's very much into me only.

Do you think it's linked to your marriage? My exH changed almost the moment we got married, I became 'the wife' and as such I was no longer a sexual being in his eyes. If there is no physical reason for his issue then I would see if he would consider couples therapy. Good luck OP

If your other issues that caused the MNetters to tell you to LTB are to do with emotional abuse, I would see this as another facet of the EA. Another way to make you feel bad about yourself - avoiding eye contact, giving up during sex - sounds like an attack on your self-esteem to me.

If the other issues are not about that, then porn and being habituated wank-hand death-grip are likely the problem.

Or a combination of the two options.

habituated to a wank-hand death grip

I don't have any solutions, but do want you to know regardless of the background of your situation or my own, I understand where you are coming from. If there's no medical reason then your H is having a psychological block (think this is why my own DH cannot always manage it).

Men are a simple folk, me included. I will put money on the fact that he is wanking alot and thats the reason he cant come. The anxiety that comes from letting you down over not coming will just add to the pressure when you have sex. Once that thought enters your head its virtually impossible to produce the goods so to speak. The fact that he gets and remains hard says to me that he is still into you but the combination of wanking and anxiety is failing him at the right moment.

Plus there is only one reason why a man uses his laptop alone downstairs in the middle of the night!

sld - your husband's shutting his eyes is the most striking aspect of your thread, tbh. That alone would have alarm bells ringing - especially because he used to be able to hold eye contact with you. He is, essentially, shutting you out. And, I'm so sorry if this is hard to read, the possibility is there that he is closing his eyes to picture what he has almost certainly been watching on his laptop. That sense of split between being with you and what is in his mind might well be what then blocks his orgasm. Too much mind, not enough feeling.

perhaps he's shutting his eyes to concentrate hard (sorry) on 'producing the goods' as snoogywoo puts it. I personally would not read a lot into that. I don't always have my eyes open at that crucial time.

The only time that happened to my DH was once when he had < obviously> had too much to drink and was desensitised but not numb. He gave up after I 'd had enough and for me was getting tedious, and was very late and I wanted to sleep. That was the only time in 22 years, and I've always been and still am a page-boy type, or as I was once told " a pocket venus"< smile>.
It must be any of the above posts suggestions.

About the "anal". It is a reflex action that the male mammals will ejaculate with anal stimulation - that is how they do it with male gorillas under a GA. They are unconscious, but it still works.
A man told me that in the army, they had regular health checkups and a finger up the bum always made them ejaculate.< it was to test for STDs> He was all hetero. Had found it strange the first time he had it done. So, find it very odd that your DH does not. Could be that the prostrate gland has to be touched- not sure on that as not a man.

A finger up a man's bum will only make them ejaculate if their prostate gland is thoroughly massaged ( or if they are already very close to orgasm and the gland is swollen with fluid) , and often only after a lot of practice because it's such an unusual feeling ( or so I've read).

DH has had a couple of prostate checks and he didn't ejaculate .

Those army docs must have known what they were doing then !!
I have seen bulls in a field enjoying themselves, the one being humped I saw ejaculate!!!! Made sure I never looked again as had to pass them on the way to our nearest shopping town. DH was driving.

Lol at the bull story, why did you try not to look again? Did you feel you were being voyeuristic? What relevance has it that your dh was driving? Were you worried he'd see you looking? What a weird story.

I think the gay suggestion might have legs. I think many gay men 'pride themselves on being red blooded' if they won't accept that they are gay, it's part of the way they fool themselves and the world. I'd be uncomfortable if a man I was with looked at gay porn as well.

I agree that excessive wanking seems obvious at first, and something along those lines is the only obvious reason for the late night computer sessions, but there's a couple of things that don't add up:

1. You say that he gives up on sex "after a couple of minutes". That's very early, and the fact that he hasn't come after a couple of minutes doesn't mean AT ALL that he has problems coming. There are many men who can't come that quickly, and probably most who often could but sustain it for longer out of choice or wanting to please their partner.

Shutting his eyes and choosing to stop after a few minutes is not a symptom of a physical problem such as ED caused by wanking. He gets hard; he stays hard; there's no reason to believe on the information we have that he can't come. He just chooses not to. No - there's some wierd emotional thing behind this.

1. The fact that the problem started during your honeymoon seems extremely strange. And I'd doubt very much that after plenty of great sex leading up to that point, that would be the exact time at which he starts being unable to come due to too much porn and wanking. Sorry, it just doesn't add up.

I'd be very wary of over-analysing when I'm not a professional and don't know him and it's the internet - but it almost seems like he had some difficult negative reaction to getting married. Like that changed something in how he felt about you and your life together, and that comes out in the sex.

The laptop wanking thing could be an effect rather than a cause. He could be turning to that because he can't overcome whatever's stopping him having satsfactory sex with you.

You found gay porn and he can't come with you. You really need to be asking this question?

Tired
I mentioned DH was driving to explain that my eyes were not on the road watching for tractors hurtling along and that's why I could see so much in the field at the side of me. I won't say what else I saw as was too pornographic to mention. It did make me feel a bit < very> yuck. And I love cows, but not keen on bulls.