What made you realise your marriage was over?

[myspinninghead]

Just that really?

Not sure how long to TRY for.....

I couldn't stand to be in the same room as him.

He called me nasty names just that bit more than I was willing to tolerate.

I'd realised that I no longer wanted to do all the trying to make it work.

ExH is a feckless, spendthrift alcoholic.

I dreamed that he was falling down a deep hole in the floor of a dilapidated high-rise building. He reached out for me but DC was also in the room and I knew that if I tried to help him, I would be dragged in too and DC would probably fall after us.

I knew there was no point in trying, analysing or hoping after this.

when he went outside for a cig and i caught him texting the OW on a phone that was supposedly broken that was the last straw

When I realised that no matter what I did, no matter what happened, the changes (ie times when things got better) would not last, and that eventually things would go back to being rubbish, when I truly knew that this would be my life unless I did something, at this point the relationship/marriage was over.

'How long to try for...' (assuming the relationship is not abusive, then don't try at all) Try for as long as you want to, and not a moment longer.

If there is no hope for a relationship that makes you both happy/satisfied, don't guilt yourself into staying so as not to disrupt the children, they won't thank you for it.

Do not under estimate the affect a poor quality relationship will have on your (mental) health.

My 2 yr old DS. I realised I didn't want him growing up thinking that sort of behaviour towards women was normal. I was married for 15 yrs before DS came along...

After complainig for years about his behaviour to one of my friends, she suddenly asked me, in the hope of helping me get some perspective, "how would you feel if you were told he is having an affair?" The first thought that came to my mind was " Great! At least he would leave me alone for a while". I knew there and then the marriage was over.

When my dh was violent to me (just the once and 'justified by him being drunk/medicated) but I thought "finally I can leave him" but I took him back and now feel stuck all over again

When he threatened to kill me.

When he had a sexting session with a mutual friend when DS was 4 months old.

I had an MSN conversation with a friend (now my DH) and he said I was one of the funniest people he knew. That night my exH sneered 'you're not funny you know' and I realised that even if he believed it (he later denied it when I was kicking him out) I wanted to surround myself with people that thought I was.

It was a real lightbulb moment and I ended it shortly after.

That made me smile waiting.

How long we're you with exh? And how longs with your dh now?

I had no choice in the matter, I was told it was over. Ironically, when I had TRIED for years to make things work :) And that's all you need to do OP, tell him it's over. I expect you've been brought up to believe that women should 'stick with it', 'TRY', 'stay together for the children' and other nonsense designed to keep women trapped. You're currently waiting for something as serious as more violence to come along that justifies your decision when all you need to know is that, if life is miserable and you see no way through, that's justification enough. I regret the time I wasted TRYING...

I thought he was the strong silent one. Until my eldest DS was desperately ill. Then I realised STBXH was silent, cold, emotionless, cruel, weak, spineless, Lilly livered, and a complete twat!

The second time he had gone to have "space" rang me after the two weeks period. He drew breath to start another pile of shit about why he couldn't get back. I cut him off mid sentence and told him not to bother.

Fast forward 15 years, his now wife informs my daughter (17) that he and she have been together....you guessed it 15 years.

My guardian angel was on the money.

I think I knew that we wouldn't stay together forever but I didn't know how I cold end it, he was horribly jealous,controlling, verbally nasty and spineless. He was also rude to my friends and family. I had told him over the years the things that made me unhappy but he didn't appear to care enough to work on anything.

One day we went to stay with his parents who were not particularly nice people. We went out for a meal with the in-laws and his siblings and his mum started lying about something which I pulled her up on, XH's sister backed me up as his mum was being vile towards me and he just sat there and let her lay into me.

I pulled him up on it after and he said well my sister stuck up for you so there was no point in me saying anything as well.

Something clicked and I knew that was it, within a few weeks he had moved out and was living back home (200 miles away). I should never have married him in the first place.

I should have known when she had an affair but there was a lot of pressure from her family and others to get through it. Needless to say we didn't and I finally decided enough was enough when, after an argument, she wrote me a letter telling me what sort of husband she wanted me to be. I realised that I didn't want to be that person so I left.

When I realised that he'd been coming along to counselling that I arranged after finding out about his affair and meant not a single word of what he'd been saying, as all along he'd been as much in touch with the OW as he'd always been. And he felt nothing was wrong with this really. Took a bit longer for him to actually go but he's been gone 18 months now and it's better for everyone

I realised my ten year marriage, twelve years together, was over when he ran off during the night when my DC and I were in bed. No warning, nothing. Ran off to be with the woman he had met on a game on Facebook. She's welcome to him.

When he screamed in the face of our 4 year old dd for annoying ds. I realised then they couldn't grow up believing that to be normal. I had put up with a lot myself, but wasn't prepared for them to be on the receiving end.

It was a small thing, really- we'd gone to look at a 2 bedroom flat to buy, since with ds1 we were very cramped in a smaller-than-average one bed. When we got back he started making excuses about not being able to afford to move, didn't see how we'd ever be able to afford it (we could)- I just realised that he would always drag us down whilst simultaneously expecting me to magically provide him with all the things he thought he deserved.

That, plus the fact he had a week off work and the thought of it filled me with a sick dread.

when soon to be ex husband decided that he wanted to call it a day! It was MY lightbulb moment, that I realised that I didnt want to try any more either, not even for the kids. Wed be a lot happier without him after the kids had adjusted!
Turned out that he had another woman, who went on to dump him so he decided that hed made a mistake & wanted to come back<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Xmas Biscuit" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/fbiscuit-CayjbMtc.png"> & has tried/is trying every trick in the book to come back! No way, Im happy now!
Kids are ok too with everything

Just a partner not a husband, but:
I finally understood it was over when someone explained that being "confused" is just part of a tired old scrip.

I realised it was over when he told me he was in love with me but loved someone else too.

And I should have realised it was over far sooner. Particuarly when for the first time ever he didn't wrap my birthday presents. Sounds silly but he would normally give me beautifully wrapped and boxed gifts and I just glossed over the frantic scramble for my final birthday. There were many clues like that in fact, I wish I'd had the capacity to heed the first ones.

The prostitutes. The other woman. The pregnancy with the other woman. Still took me a while though. Talk about low self esteem.

When I found myself hoping that the car we were both in would drive over a cliff and we would both die and it would all be over and I would be free.

Still took me another 5 years or so to make the break.