What made you realise your marriage was over?

[myspinninghead]

Just that really?

Not sure how long to TRY for.....

The second time he threatened me with a hammer, I realised if we went on one of us would die. I was so low at that point I thought I'd be okay about dying, but didn't want to go to prison for killing him. I knew it would never get any better and I started making plans.

It still took 9 months to separate. I did what I needed to do to get by.

Big hugs to everyone on this thread who needs them. xxx

When I was happier without him than with him. I dreaded him coming home at night and was always relieved when I got home and he was out.

When he humiliated me in public, more than once. When I realised that I was actually afraid of him when he was drunk.

When I realised my self esteem was shot to shit and I was desperately unhappy. I fell in love with someone else. No one can come between a happy couple. I knew then that my marriage was over.

When I told him I was going to divorce him and his reaction was to ask how much money he would get.

When I walked away and felt strong and happy for the first time in ages.

OP, what led to your taking him back? Do you now think your marriage is over... or are you not sure?

When he started referring to our children as 'little bitch' and 'little bastard'. They were 2 and 3 years old respectively.

I had put up with his verbal abuse for years, but it was water off a ducks back. I was perfectly capable of standing up to him and not taking it on board. but there was no way in hell he was going to damage my childrens mental health.
Once I heard those words I told him to pack and get out of the house while I took the kids to nursery and not to be there when I came back.
best decision ever.

I was with my ex for almost six years myspinninghead. 13 months after I ended it I got together with DH and we've been together nearly four years. DH still finds me funny

I knew for ages there was something wrong with my first marriage but my ex was so gradual in his escalating abuse that I changed into someone who felt it was all they deserved. My saving grace was that in policing all my relationships my ex didn't think to monitor my Internet usage. The people I met online around that time are still huge in my life.

I'm still with my 'D'H as getting out is logistically and financially impossible right now, and a few things other posters have said on this thread ring true for me.

My first big red flag, looking back, was a small one. When I was heavily pregnant, for no reason he kicked my handbag under our large king-sized bed. When I couldn't find the handbag the next morning, I had to crawl under the bed (not easy with back pain and a massive bump) to retrieve it. I asked him why he'd done it, and he told me it was my own fault and walked away. . A small issue, but it opened my eyes. That kind of act is not done by a man who respects and loves his wife.

And yelling at me repeatedly for random things while I was in labour and refusing to hold my hand, opting instead to stand in the corner of the delivery suite and chat to the midwives. I can never forgive him for that.

I was in an abusive marriage and used to bitch about it sometimes.
My turning point was when one of my friends said to me "For fuck's sake, either leave him or shut the fuck up whining!" I left my husband the next day.
Sometimes you just need a kick up the arse and although my mate sounds harsh, if it wasn't for him I would have hung around my toxic marriage for years.

When I asked why he hadnt bought me a gift on our 12th Wedding Anniversary (always got great gifts) and he told me he didnt think he loved me anymore after 17 years together

I had been turning myself inside out and upside down to be perfect wife in the previous 3 years to keep him because I knew how he felt

It was still a huge shock though and taking my head out of the sand and facing up to what I had been putting up with was a painful and sad process

Fast forward 3 years and I am a different person, life is good and I am glad he had the courage to end our marriage

It was gradual; I was very busy at work/hobbies, less sex with DH as I lost interest, separate rooms sometimes to get better sleep, not going out together, doing less together and more with friends, DH finds someone else, so do I. Very gradual but inevitable. I did not really work at it, I was happy back then, but am happy now too.

Interesting answers and food for thought for me

charlottecollins - I took him back because I very much want(ed?) my marriage to work. We have a child together and I hoped I could get the feelings back. I don't know if I can though. I don't feel like I used to at all. The hard thing is that I know it will break his heart if I instigate breaking up the family...

When he told me he'd been having an affair for the whole of our marriage

OP, I may feel similar to you. I've been trying to keep going to keep the family together, and have been worrying lately that he will be heartbroken if/when I leave. Thing is though, in my case, that he will be devastated for the loss of the marriage, the readily available support, the family, the appearance of the whole package - all that and not really me. Maybe not even the dcs, but more the reflected glory when they do well.

It's so hard, but I still feel I have to go.

Good luck charlotte . I hope I can be as brave as you

I posted earlier. I guess the precise moment has been recorded in my diary. The day after the accident I write 'I can't believe this is happening, I may lost my daughter and I have lost my marriage' I knew straight away I could never forgive.

I loved him so very much and he has, over the years, taken that love and wrung it out to nothing. I have forgiven infidelity, anger and many other things. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination either and I am sure I have caused him pain at times.
But, the last month, he has not come home from 'work' before 11 each day, stays out all weekend, refuses to interact with the kids (I am used to him ignoring me) so I find myself in bed mentally totting up the finances and how I will survive when the inevitable happens which it is sure to do.... there is no way back now, I have no love left and his died a long time ago. I need to find the time and space to tell him but it is now a question of when rather than if...

Not married, P for 6 years. Should have left at the beginning when he pushed me down a short flight of steps outside a nightclub.
Some DV, lots if EA etc etc over the years. It was so gradual and he absolutely ruined my self esteem, cut me off from friends and family, very controlling. He was incredibly charming in company and very good looking - think Mel Gibson crossed with Gabriel Byrne and I was totally sucked in.

Walked away after some scrote smashed the back window on my Mum's car (that I had borrowed) and he showed no care or sympathy at all. It was a small thing but just the very last straw.
So liberating to leave, what a waste of 6 years. I never looked back, never saw him again and didn't miss him for a second, that's how I knew that I had done the right thing.

I often wonder what he is doing these days and feel very sorry for whoever he is with now.

Not a marriage, but partner for 10 years. The "beginning of the end" moment will stay with me always. We were renovating a house and I was stripping paper round a socket when I got an electric shock. He shouted at me for being stupid instead of showing concern that I might have been killed. It was like when the world goes into slow motion that exact moment and I knew he didn't love me any more.

It actually took about another 6 months for us to split, when I found out he'd been having an affair. We did 'try again' for about 2 months but I soon realised there was only one person doing any 'trying' and it wasn't him.

It was difficult because we got along, didn't argue etc so everyone though we were happy. I can see now we weren't happy at all.

Bee with DH 6 years now and we are so happy

Nothing is black and white. I still loved my exhusband at the time of our split (abusive alcoholic), but for me it was over when i realised there were more bad times than good. The balance was wrong.

I have since remarried and we have been together 9 years. He is a kind and loving man, we have lots of fun together and i can trust him completely. We are not perfect (who is?), but if i asked the same question, the good times massively outweigh the bad. I can't imagine life without him.

We were on holiday with my in laws.My brother in law pointed out that one of my tyres was damaged and would need changing soon.Ex did nt change it I had no idea where to start and was so worn down I just carried on driving it.Back then I moonlighted quite a bit as we were skint so I would drive a couple of hours work 12 hours and drive home.I could have been killed and he did nt give a toss that's when I knew.It took quite a bit longer for him to finally leave.I kept right on going through the motions for months until one morning I just woke up and knew it had to stop.The day before I was cleaning and I found every photo of me under the kitchen dresser.Clearly the ow had been in my house.Even then he attempted a crappy excuse.Im so mad at myself for being such a doormat!

When he publicly called me a half wit, then abandoned me a town several miles from where we lived at two am with no money.

When, after 17 years of increasing EA, she told me she was having an online affair. My first thought was 'Bingo! There's my escape route'...

When I realised that my relationship with my friends and family were far more supportive, loving and fulfilling.

When I realised that my friendships were nothing like my relationship; the latter being such hard work. When I realised that everyone else close to me thought that I was pretty great and that he should too.

I wasted far too long desperately trying to fix something that never really worked in the first place. He did absolutely nothing to try to fix things between us and checked out of the relationship a long time before I did. Today, I thank him for not having the moral fibre to try to sort things out (I stupidly thought that this was my duty). He left, I cried but then met the loveliest man. I am blissfully in love with a wonderful man who thinks that I am the bee's knees. He makes my heart sing.

If your partner does not think that you are the best thing since sliced bread, then they are not the one for you. xx

When I stopped caring. However I approached things I was wrong-treat him like a child,lecture him,moan and whine so I stopped and he did nothing but sit back and leave me alone as he thought it best to give me space,even though he has since told me he thought i was going mad he still decided not to talk:(so I have filed for divorce and now stand to be thrown out with 3dcs as our home has to be sold because of a legal agreement he has with his family that he neglected to mention to me. I can't look back,there were many incidents but the day I stopped caring and couldn't even if I tried:( from my experience you will know when the day comes

When I realised he was going to die, I was in a bit of a state but I went round to see a friend and sat on her sofa in a daze saying he's going to die and I will be free and sitting there feeling a sense of amazement/relief/sadness/horror and shock all at once.

three months prior to that I had started divorce proceedings and withdrawn them because I was scared of him and what he might do. When I returned to the same solicitor to do probate he was in shock.

When I was unhappy ALL the time. I'd be running, which I love and all I could think was how awful everything was, I'd be shopping, cooking, talking to friends and it was all I could think and talk about. I cried every day, sometimes leaking tears for the whole day.

Finally when I got him out the first week was awful, never felt so low and miserable but then I imagined him coming BACK and that felt even worse so I knew I was doing the right thing.