What made you realise your marriage was over?

[myspinninghead]

Just that really?

Not sure how long to TRY for.....

Purple, that's so tough. I took years and years to make the break too. Bet you're glad you did.

When I realised that if I stayed, I would be sitting at that same table in ten years time having exactly the same conversation but with ten years more swearing, bitterness and disappointment.

Also a partner but of over 14 years so longer than some marriages I guess....

When he was verbally abusive and threatening on a regular basis and it no longer upset me because I had become so used to it.

When he used to drive like a lunatic with DS and I in the car even though he knew him driving like that scared me.

When I was relieved that he slept on the sofa on a regular basis because I would not have to have him near me

When he lied about how much his benefits were and spent the extra he didn't tell me about on cannabis, despite the fact I was studying like a demon and getting super stressed at the end of every month trying to make ends meet that simply would not meet

When he would not let me talk in the mornings because he didn't sleep well and I should not bother talking to him because he knows how much it irritated him.

When I would ask him why he was so abrasive and nasty to me his answer always was "If you don't like it you fucking know what to do". One day I woke up and knew what I had to do. I left him shortly after.

I am so angry at myself for putting up with that on a regulalr basis. I wasted my entire twenties and almost half of my thirties with that man. What a bloody waste

When he shagged someone else and then immediately left me for her

After 17 years together (married 12) I realised that I had dreaded hearing the sound of his key in the front door every night for about the previous 4 years.

He also threatened to commit suicide frequently and would leave the house in a dramatic style. I used to pray he never came back. He always did though.

When walking on eggshells and his crappy moods became the norm - even when we were on holiday in a beautiful place - in that moment, it was over.

Living together 16yrs, married for 10. I realised that I couldn't remember the last time I had enjoyed his company or that he had made me laugh.

He's been gone 9 months and its blissful. I stayed with him about 3yrs too long but glad I'm free now.

Right now!! I'm online in my bedroom, he hasn't spoken to me for 13 days because I pulled him up on bullying dd. And I don't miss him

Looking back I can pinpoint the exact moment I knew it was over, but it took about another 6 to 8 weeks to realise/acknowledge it. Nothing as dramatic as some as the posters on this thread (I found a number for a 'nude massage', although don't think he went through with it). I had been 'trying' very hard for about 2 years by that point and there had been absolutely zero progress in that point - and we had only been married 4 years (together for 8). I figure that if you're having to 'try' (and try and try and try) desperately save a marriage in the first few years and you know that neither of you would be there if it wasn't for DC, then it doesn't bode well for the next 40 years.

I guess you try for as long as there is a realistic and viable chance of getting a good relationship back, so:
a) there needs to have been a really good and healthy relationship previously (as in it wasn't really a big mistake and compromise/settling in the first place)
b) there's actual progress from the trying. I don't think it needs to be fixed and perfect in 6 months, but I would say if nothing in 3 or 6 months, there's a problem, and if you're into years without noticeable progress/change then there's little choice.

I decided to end it because there was no progress and my DC was getting to the age were I didn't want them to start imprinting that as their relationship model, and I wanted him to have parents who were actually alive and would be better people and parents apart than together.

When I came home from work and my then-H (of 10 years) had changed the locks, locking himself inside with my 4 very young DCs. He was shouting that I couldn't come in because I was a 'bad mother' and I could only come back in when I promised to be 'good'.
I kissed my eldest DS's hand through the letterbox and walked away. At that moment I knew I would never, ever, ever, EVER love him again.

Mine died a slow death, but the first time I actually considered divorce was when we got a kitten and H was abusive to him (holding to it and playing at blocking his breathing to the point of it peeing on him - served him right). I actually told him I'd leave him if he continued to stress the cat like that.

It was a real eye opener, because he was just being cruel to the poor thing.

At some point I forgot our wedding anniversary - because I didn't feel like celebrating it, really, although it was mostly unconscious. And there's always the hope that things can get better, and why rock the boat and so on.

Finally, when he threatened to leave, I told him that he could go - he didn't. And when he asked if I loved him, I said I wasn't sure.

Weeks after that he was physically violent with me and even though I gave his a 2nd chance (told him it was over if he did it again), I knew it would happen again and was just a matter of time.

It did, only a month later. I told him to leave and called the police when he refused.
Stupidly, I let him in again, but not reconciled. Because he had nowhere to go.
And said that I would only take him back if he was normal for a whole month - he had refused counselling.
Next day he was still a twat, and the next day he had a few drinks and threatened to kill himself and both me and our DS.
Within an hour I was out of the door with DS, to the police. And we never got back.

Through all of this, I was actually in a better position when I finally left him. I was closer to family and as things are he is pretty much out of our lives.

The point is, I think you realise it's over often a long time before you actually accept it and then a long time before you take action.

It wasn't the other women, prostitutes and far worse. It wasn't the physical abuse or the emotional or financial abuse. It was when he wanted me to rub sunblock on his back and I thought I would vomit if I had to touch his skin. I was so disgusted at the thought of having rub his back, that I knew it was over. More than 20 years of marriage over but it, like many other posters, took a lot longer for him to go. It was when he had disappeared again, leaving me yet again with the children and no money to survive on, that he called me, told me to meet him in an Airport lounge. Here he told me that if I put him BEFORE the children, if I put him above everything, if his needs came before his four children, that he would come home and allow me to continue to be married to him. He shouted all this at me, people didn't know where to look. I walked out in a horrific cloud of the most painful tears, because I knew it was down to me, alone, to tell my expectant and waiting children that their father was never coming home. I had buried my father three days before this, he knew there was no money and he was off. He was off to live with my birth mother, who he had been having god know what with for the last decade.

Life is SO much better now. And I am suprised I am sharing this with a nation of people I don't know! Cathartic I suppose.

When I found myself considering his family's dire medical history as a positive - unless he changes his lifestyle significantly he's unlikely to live til retirement age.

I saw that as my exit strategy and was planning my own retirement without him.
We were mid-30s at the time!

Matureunistudent - I relate to so my g of your post.

NADM, I so know that thing of considering the poor genetics of his family as a bonus. That I might get some freedom when he died early.

When I found out for the third (or possibly fourth) time that despite him promising me that it was all over with the OW, that it wasn't (but he was still happy to keep on shagging me as long as I was stupid enough to let him). Even I had to admit that only one of us was trying to keep things together. Fast forward 6 months and his great love affair is now apparently over and in true middle aged man style he has a new even younger woman who is (you guessed it) the great love of his life . Can't love someone you can't respect I find.

I wish I'd never married mine. Talk about red flags. I didn't know the term then but looking back, I can see he was like scarlet semaphore.

When I realised that he would never admit to doing anything wrong.

When I realised that I had lower self-esteem than when we'd got married 11 years before.

When I realised that he would always put himself first.

When I realised that I was effectively an unpaid skivvy and whatever lipservice he paid to equality to appease me was just that - lipservice.

When I realised that he showed no interest in the dcs unless they could make him look good - that was a biggy; I finally saw how that would fuck them up if they lived with it for long.

As of now, I'm still with him, but hope that will not be the case for much longer!

the first time he hit me was when i knew deep down that was it. the first time was the only time he apologised and seemed remorseful. i thought it was a once off, so i gave him another chance, not rocking the boat splitting up family etc.

then i didnt have the strength to leave and hitting became normal for me so i didnt think anything of it. i learnt to never be able to voice a different opinion or dare to have a negative feeling or comment. i learnt what to do while being beaten to make it stop quicker. i learnt to avoid speaking when he looked tense. this cant be normal but apparantly it is when women talk back and dont listen and are crap at housework.

then i told my parents and they said oh you shouldnt provoke him and make him angry. it must be your fault. patted him on the wrist and went off. fucking useless i hate them for not being there for me when i needed help.

he hasnt said anything nice or complimentary to me in years. i am too fat and ugly to sleep with i am a crap mum crap at housework etc etc push slap shove.

nothing i do or say is right and any beating i get is my fault.

every day i wake up and want to die as i live in fear of what abuse will happen that day. but i cant die as i cant leave my babies with that monster.

i hate him and am trying to start to take steps to leave but its bloody hard. i have no family support in rl everyone takes his side and dont believe me. i should try harder apparantly.

feel like i am going completely mad.

am going to a relatives tomorrow with kids to try and think

anyway obviously leave way before this point but a womans instinct is usually right and if something doesnt feel right chances are it isnt.

and it can take a long time between realising it is over and being in any way able to escape from it.

When a friend committed suicide and everyone was saying things like what could make you feel that bad that you'd leave your children I stayed quiet ...because I could answer.

You will get there, yummy. One step at a time. None of it is your fault. I don't know what I'd do if my parents weren't supportive - that is utter crap you're facing, along with the daily crap he dishes out. ((hugs))

CharloteeCollins thats where I think I am with DH tooo. There's no affairs, no physical abuse nor emotional rwally just nothing left - I have so much more fun witht he DC when he's not here at all. He's got the whole fo the Xmas hols off and I'm already wishing he didn't because we can't just get on and have fun together - he brings me down, doesn't contibute much t the house or the DC and iir I'm not sure we have had sex even 5 times this year. There's no outstanding awful reason to leave like so many of the pepole on here - but increasingly I'm thinking there's no reason to stay other than the DC. I'm currently wishing he wasn't here for Christmas - i think that says it all - today is my point -if it's still like this next year I don't want him here for Christmas.

To sum it up - birthday evening with him - crap
Christmas with him - looking likely to be crap
Not really what you'd expect form a happy marriage.

Dh and I have bee together for 14 years and three dcs. I had been increasingly unhappy for a long time. I stuck with it as didn't believe that the grass was greener. Dh isn't a bad man, we get along generally and enjoy doing the same things. I felt companionship was enough. Yetbinyearned romance and passion. Our sex life was crap for years and, tbh, I didn't fancy dh any more. Someone wrote about not wanting to cream their dh. I can relate to that.

Then our dd was involved in a tragic accident. Dh was also injured and was to blame. She's ok, but nearly didn't make it and has horrendous scars and continued medical needs. That was 18m ago. Since then I dreamed of him meeting someone else to take the decision away from me. We've not had sex for about 20m. The tipping point was a few things: wanting him to meet someone else, being physically repulsed, recognitionnthat I couldn't forgive, evaluating my life on turning 40. However whilst I knew I wanted out without a doubt, I don't know if I could have had the courage to do it. The catalyst was becoming involved with someone else. That relationship is on hold. Dh instantly recognised the change in me and opened the door. I took it and we are in the process of separation. It's hard on us all but I want to have the chance at happiness. I also want that for dh and believe we can be happier with someone else.