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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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86 replies

oldromantic · 22/12/2012 13:24

Help..... Have just seen text messages on my husbands phone as he slept off a hang over on sofa. When he got in I heard text message beeps at two am, felt a bit jumpy but can be paranoid so left it at that. This morning he was saying how much he loves me and our family. I mentioned night texts and he said dunno? Then fell asleep. I tidied up his discarded clothes and took upstairs, his phone was in his pocket... Couldn't stop myself but read it, no messages from last night but five received this morning from apparently a bloke called Dave work.... I want sex, I want to play, hey are you playing me, you blanking? And a sad face..... All separate messages, i panicked and pressed umber, also was alled at one this morning. Have copied number Nd replaces phone. Now feel sick, can't eat, he's gone Xmas shopping, he must know I saw them as hey were marked as read?! Can't be bloke possibly around? Way shall I do? Don't want to ruin Christmas for kids? Feel sick xxx

OP posts:
IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 23/12/2012 13:22

Definitely ask him for phone records now.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 23/12/2012 13:23

Imo it's up to him to prove his innocence.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 23/12/2012 13:31

What innocence? His hand is in the cookie-jar, his fingers are in the till, he's been caught red-handed and 'Dave Work' is running scared thinking the sky's going to fall in on her too. Sadly, sometimes things are exactly what they seem.

scripsi · 23/12/2012 13:40

See if you can check the phone records to see if he called her while out?

bringbacksideburns · 23/12/2012 13:46

Can you call her bluff? Ring her and say he's told you everything and all you want to know is when it all started? See how she responds.

All the deletions etc make it look very dodgy indeed. Bollocks she would send these texts innocently knowing he is married. It's a very strange 'joke,.'

bringbacksideburns · 23/12/2012 13:47

And yes - i forgot about putting it under the name Dave. What possible explanation is there for that? So sorry.

forgetmenots · 23/12/2012 15:52

sorry OP, but they have been caught out by their crap lies. You don't need the phone records unless they will give you strength to leave, because that is what you need to do.

NeverMindOhWell · 24/12/2012 04:06

Really sorry you are dealing with this OP, esp just before Xmas it's hideous for you. Just to add my 2p's worth, I wrote on an earlier thread about my husband's emotional affair last year. Well every time I questioned him about what has gone on and the emails of seen, his stock answer was "it was a joke!". Every f*^cking time! Still makes me mad just thinking about it, your DH is taking you for a fool.

He has already admitted he lied ("stalker" story), he is a liar and has proven he cannot be trusted. Sorry.

ChunkyTurkeywiththetrimmings · 24/12/2012 05:27

Just to add another thought about his lies...

How is it a joke to fake "sex text"? Who is the joke for? What I mean is, if its all about his work colleagues, why did they text? Surely making silly comments & pretending they had texted would be a joke & winding others up/adding grist to the rumour mill?!! But who are the texts for as none of their colleagues would see them, even if they were a joke.

But my arse are they 'joking"...

Sorry OP, but it doesn't seem like paranoia to me. Personally, I would tell H that unless he comes out with the truth, your relationship is absolutely 100% over because you won't be in a relationship w/out trust. If he then comes clean, you can decide whether to forgive & work on your relationship of not.

notnagging · 24/12/2012 05:57

I hope you are okay op & that you can get through Christmas with your kids.

BlooMoon · 24/12/2012 07:46

So sorry, OP, and what a crappy time of year to find out. You've already had lots of good insights and advice. Unfortunately lots of women have already trod this path, and learned painful lessons along the way.

Here's my 2p..
Deep breaths, know that there are people who can help you through this, on MN, family, friends, GP/counsellors, etc. Choose wisely re family and friends; we all have our own agendas and you need unconditional support, not interfering and bossing. That's why MN is good, because people can be straight and bossy, but you don't feel obliged to do things to our timescale.

Eat a little. If you're like most, appetite will have flown away, so make it little bits of what you fancy. Sleep is also difficult. Don't rely too heavily on alcohol.

Do not engage with the OW. She does not have your best interests at heart, even if she pretends otherwise.

You will be busy, so start a list:
STI check very important
Half hour free legal advice
When H is out, find, copy/photograph and keep safe (ideally at a friend's) as much financial documentation as you can lay your hands on.

You don't have to make decisions about your eventual direction right now if you don't want to, but please please protect yourself in the meantime.

Good luck, keep posting, and don't leave MN logged in on any shared devices. And delete your Internet history.

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