Why, whenever I treat someone as they treat me, do they then fall out with me?

[Galaxycounters]

I've posted before about friends treating me badly and walking all over me.

I won't go over old ground, but one friend and I use the term friend very loosely indeed has been take take take, expecting me to spend time on the phone, literally hours, listening to her problems, and then when I've needed a listening ear she has just cut me off and said she has to go. She is also very selfish and gets in a bad mood if things don't suit her. And then on the rare occasion she does listen to any problem I might have, she basically plays devil's advocate and tells me I'm wrong.

I decided to withdraw from this friendship but didn't want a confrontation or an argument so decided to treat her how she treats me. Each time she phones up now I say something along the lines of "I'm going to have to stop you there as I'm bathing mini Galaxy" and cut her conversation off before she launches into talking about herself. I am also very vague with her, if she asks how I am I say "fine thanks" and don't/won't tell her anything about my life as I don't think she deserves to know things about me when she can't be nice.

So she is now being very arsey with me when I see her, and she gets very stroppy when I cut phone conversations short and say I have to go as I'm busy. I've also started doing the same thing as her and playing devil's advocate all the time, if she says someone has upset her I say "she seems nice to me" or whatever. It's like now I'm not her lap dog she throws a hissy fit

I really wanted to avoid any confrontation or arguments but I feel she's creating one.

This has happened in the past before too with others when I've started treating them as they treat me or started saying no to their demands and requests.

Sounds like they are bullies and you are well rid.

Keep contact to a minimum with people like these, and increase your contact with genuinely good friends, and soon you'll find that the people you talk to most are the ones that treat you well (and that you treat well).

I've got rid of a few like these over the years and it is very freeing (I have also heard from mutual acquaintances that these people are still not happy in their own lives, hmm wonder why that is, their attitude and the way they behave perhaps?!)

Hope 2013 is the year you get rid of these 'drains'!

I think it would be best to end the friendship rather than trying to play her at her own game, tbh

You can't really blame her can you? Look at it from her point of view - her great friend who used to listen to her and supports her has stopped without saying why.
Wouldn't you be upset? Are they supposed to just guess why you are acting like this and then modifiy their behaviour based on this guess? How risky is it to do that? Wouldn't it be better to just explain to them how you feel?

I know, deep down, that you are right OnTheBottom, however I have this thing ingrained in me that my mum always said it was important to get on with everybody. Every time I cut someone out I feel like I'm not getting on with people and then feel that's it's something about me not being able to get on with others.

I realise though that the reality is that I have a lot of drains clinging onto me and a lot of people latching themselves onto me and not behaving like proper friends.

She hasn't treated me well though theleanandhungrytype. Surely she must know that? Also in the past I have tried to tell her how I felt and she said I was oversensitive.

Yeah that's what I've done Fanjo. But that doesn't stop her phoning up or me bumping into her. I don't socialise with her now.

To clarify; I don't want to be friends with her any longer. I find her selfish and unsupporting. However there are some situations where I will bump into her and I really don't want any arguments. If I confront her she will escalate it into an argument.

Is it not acceptable to just pull back from a friendship gradually?

Thank you Beata.

I feel from some of the replies that perhaps I'm handling things the wrong way. I just can't see what I can achieve by tackling her. Even if she changes, it's not going to be sincere.

I thought cutting phone calls short when she phones, and not contacting her myself, is a good way of getting the message across. I think it would be more confusing for her if I just listened to her as normal when I don't want to be her friend now, not to mention a waste of my valuable evening time

She hasn't treated me well though theleanandhungrytype. Surely she must know that? Also in the past I have tried to tell her how I felt and she said I was oversensitive.

Unfortuntatley, it doesn't sound as if she does know that.

If anyone ever says someone is 'over-sensitive' then they are usually a selfish bully IME

That's what I was thinking theleanandhungrytype, and why I was wanting to pull away.

The time when I tackled her before she made a very unkind comment about one of my children and when I told her it was unacceptable she said I was oversensitive. She prides herself on her honesty.

Just wanted to say too, she has very very few friends.

I didn't think you were handling it wrong for her sake but more that it sounds difficult for YOU

I feel it's easier this way than having a confrontation or argument Fanjo, because I just know that that wouldn't end well, in fact it would end up being world war 3.

You know, you could actually say to her "I have been treating you exactly how you have always treated me. Perhaps you should think about how it feels."

maybe now she's experienced it, she needs it to be explained to her.

xpost. ww3?

What will happen that you can't handle? Will she punch you? call the police. Will she shout at you? Walk away. Will she bitch about you? Shrug it off.

What can or will she do to you that you cannot handle?

Oh HECT I would absolutely love to do that. I know that will go down like a lead balloon with her too. She's not the kind to admit she's at fault or to back down, she'll say it's all me and that she's a good friend to me.

She'll probably shout, bitch about me and generally try to gang up on me with mutual friends. Our DCs are friends at school. She will probably tell her child not to talk to mine...

Well, if you don't like being treated that way, its pretty obvious they won't like it either. So I don't understand your thread title, or why you play games with your friends.

AnnieLobeseder, why is ok for her to treat me one way but I can't do the same back? I'm not being rude or horrible or saying unkind things, I am merely refusing to listen to her talking about herself for hours when she isn't there for me, and not letting her know any information about my life.

I don't see the point in having a friendship with someone who doesn't act like a friend.

No, she won't admit she's at fault. Yes, she will make out that you are the problem.

What of it?

You don't need her permission to think that she is a drain on you.

I think you can stop turning the tables on her: there is no lesson that she is willing to learn here. Just end the friendship/let it die.

...and focus on treating well the people who are willing to return the favour!

Do you think there's a chance you're just being a touch of a martyr here? We do see an awful lot of these threads on here.

She keeps calling me though, HotDAMN. She phones, texts, and I see her in person at least 3 times a week too.

Am I best off just not answering the phone? I don't want to have to spend hours listening to her talking, it feels like a waste of time. When I see her, I don't want there to be an atmosphere but I don't want to have to chat to her. I'm finding it all really hard