Why, whenever I treat someone as they treat me, do they then fall out with me?

[Galaxycounters]

I've posted before about friends treating me badly and walking all over me.

I won't go over old ground, but one friend and I use the term friend very loosely indeed has been take take take, expecting me to spend time on the phone, literally hours, listening to her problems, and then when I've needed a listening ear she has just cut me off and said she has to go. She is also very selfish and gets in a bad mood if things don't suit her. And then on the rare occasion she does listen to any problem I might have, she basically plays devil's advocate and tells me I'm wrong.

I decided to withdraw from this friendship but didn't want a confrontation or an argument so decided to treat her how she treats me. Each time she phones up now I say something along the lines of "I'm going to have to stop you there as I'm bathing mini Galaxy" and cut her conversation off before she launches into talking about herself. I am also very vague with her, if she asks how I am I say "fine thanks" and don't/won't tell her anything about my life as I don't think she deserves to know things about me when she can't be nice.

So she is now being very arsey with me when I see her, and she gets very stroppy when I cut phone conversations short and say I have to go as I'm busy. I've also started doing the same thing as her and playing devil's advocate all the time, if she says someone has upset her I say "she seems nice to me" or whatever. It's like now I'm not her lap dog she throws a hissy fit

I really wanted to avoid any confrontation or arguments but I feel she's creating one.

This has happened in the past before too with others when I've started treating them as they treat me or started saying no to their demands and requests.

How am I being a martyr?

Because you're painting yourself as a life-long victim

I can paint myself/feel as I wish thank you Beograde.

This is a relationships board. For support and advice. Why reply if you just reply to be unkind and smug rather that constructive?

Sorry if that upset you, but it's kind of demonstrating my point - you seem to suggest you're the type of person people are mean to continually - you're always the victim. I suggest that perhaps the case, and immediately, you go on the defensive, and you're the victim yet again!

It wasn't meant in an unkind way, but meant rather to be an observation

If I wanted a test or an observation I'd see a psychologist.

Your post did come across as mean, whether or not you meant it to. You didn't exactly word it in a nice way! Of course at that kind of statement I'm going to feel offended.

Ok, sorry if it upset you. The observation I make is that you do seem to have a bit of a persecution complex. I wonder whether that might be something you need to change, in order for people to treat you better.

Why have I got a persecution complex? Because I took a rude statement badly? How would you expect someone to take it?

Oh and in cause you're doubting what I say, said friend is unpleasant and doesn't behave as a friend should behave. I wont' put up with it. I don't think many would tbh

The reason I suggested that you might have a bit of a persecution complex, is because you suggest in your OP that you have a long history of friends treating you badly

I once had a friend who genuinely thought that she was always "there" for her friends in need and that no one ever gave her any support back. Her view on reality was very different from all of the friends who cut her off one-by-one as she was so sodding needy.

I just stopped answering the phone to her. It wasn't that hard. Why drag out something in this way? It makes you look like an arse.

I feel upset, quite frankly, that you've taken it upon yourself to decide that I have a persecution complex based on a few posts on a forum, without knowing any of my history or any of the cases where I have been treated badly.

As I said, I posted on here for support and advice, and instead you have made me feel worse, to doubt myself and to feel that my feelings are all a bit silly and that I should perhaps put up with any old nonsense from a friend. Do you honestly think the friend I have described acts as a friend should?

I didn't expect everyone to agree with me, and not everyone did, but the others were at least constructive and supportive, rather than making assumptions about me and my feelings that they know nothing about, as you have done.

I presume when she calls you can see it's her on the display?

So, just don't pick up the phone.

You are not obliged to be at her beck and call. She is not your boss.

Do you think in any way at all that you could be needy and not realise it?

Having read your last overreactive post, I do wonder.

No not at all Keema. Do you not think the friend I described sounds needy?

I've not met your friend. I've only heard your description of her and the rather childish way that you are dealing with the perceived issues with her.

I have, however, read in your own words how you behave and tbh, I do wonder about how needy you are.

Look, I'm really sorry if it wasn't the kind of advice you were asking for - with your "friend", if she's as terrible as you say, then you need to end your friendship with her.

I hope in time you can see that I was trying to make an objective observation, and wasn't intended to upset you. You do seem very sensitive from the little you've posted here.

I think this treating her how she treats you is a bit childish. Isn't it better to treat people as you would like to be treated. If somone no longer liked me, I'd rather they dropped me than played some sort of tit for tat game.

How am I being childish in dealing with the issues? They're not perceived btw. How would you deal with someone like this?

How do I come across as needy?

Oh FFS, I have dropped her,but sometimes she calls and sometimes I bump into her. What am I supposed to do? Talk to her for hours if one of the kids answers the phone in error? Walk off and ignore her if I happen to bump into her?

I don't socialise with her and I don't contact her. What else am I supposed to do?

If you don't want to be friends with her then stop playing stupid games and stop answering the phone to her. People who play stupid games and then whinge about what happens don't come across well.

You are not presenting yourself in a positive light.

How would you deal with someone like this?

Be less available.
Turn down invites.
Stop answering the phone.
And, if need be, state your position (without falling into any accusations/labelling of her behaviour). Eg: "I feel that our friendship is one-sided, and I want to focus on people who have as much time for me as I have for them."

I'm not playing games! What if I bump into her at the school and she asks, for example, how I am? Am I playing games if I just say "fine thanks" and don't volunteer any information?

I think you're being quite unfair, keema, and you don't seem to be reading my posts properly.

Some people are just hard work.

Thank you HotDAMN.

I do the first three. She has text me several times recently asking me to go on a night out before Christmas, and each time I have replied saying I am unable to go. If she tries to talk to me at the school, I am always polite but am vague, as I don't want to spend lots of time talking to her as she will think I want to continue being friends with me. I do ignore my phone most of the time but if she phones the landline sometimes one of the children will answer and say I'm there and hand the phone to me, therefore short of slamming the phone down, all I feel I can do is talk for 5 minutes and then make my excuses and cut the conversation short.

I like the suggestion of stating my position to her, and will certainly bear that in mind if she asks me why I can't go out with her anymore or why I never answer the phone.

I feel quite upset tbh that two posters have taken it upon themselves to label me as childish and needy, when I've tried my best to deal with a situation without confrontation.