Why, whenever I treat someone as they treat me, do they then fall out with me?

[Galaxycounters]

I've posted before about friends treating me badly and walking all over me.

I won't go over old ground, but one friend and I use the term friend very loosely indeed has been take take take, expecting me to spend time on the phone, literally hours, listening to her problems, and then when I've needed a listening ear she has just cut me off and said she has to go. She is also very selfish and gets in a bad mood if things don't suit her. And then on the rare occasion she does listen to any problem I might have, she basically plays devil's advocate and tells me I'm wrong.

I decided to withdraw from this friendship but didn't want a confrontation or an argument so decided to treat her how she treats me. Each time she phones up now I say something along the lines of "I'm going to have to stop you there as I'm bathing mini Galaxy" and cut her conversation off before she launches into talking about herself. I am also very vague with her, if she asks how I am I say "fine thanks" and don't/won't tell her anything about my life as I don't think she deserves to know things about me when she can't be nice.

So she is now being very arsey with me when I see her, and she gets very stroppy when I cut phone conversations short and say I have to go as I'm busy. I've also started doing the same thing as her and playing devil's advocate all the time, if she says someone has upset her I say "she seems nice to me" or whatever. It's like now I'm not her lap dog she throws a hissy fit

I really wanted to avoid any confrontation or arguments but I feel she's creating one.

This has happened in the past before too with others when I've started treating them as they treat me or started saying no to their demands and requests.

Has this happened to you before? This sort of thing I mean.

Galaxy - I am reading your post properly, just like I've read your other threads properly. Every single one of them is about how rubbish your friends are and how people treat you badly and how they don't speak to you nicely or put you down.

Either you have the worst group of friends and acquaintances going, or you have some issues around managing friendships. I stronly suspect that if I was listening to all of the people who you have described being awful to you, their perception would be different.

With that, I am going to bow out as I don't think you're in a place where you can have an objective look at what is going on here.

Galaxy, out of interest, is the same friend you described in another thread, who you'd known from school and treated you as their underdog?

Just make sure that when you turn her invites down, it's because you do have something else to do with other, potentially kinder, friends! (even if you only plan it post-facto)

Confrontation, by the way, is no bad thing. It just means stating two opposing views: it doesn't have to be aggressive or nasty at all.

"AnnieLobeseder, why is ok for her to treat me one way but I can't do the same back?"

Well, it's not, obviously. So either tell her or cut her out of your life. As I said, why play silly games? Are you a child?

You sound like you want to change her into the friend YOU think she should be and that she should recognise what you are doing ie treating her like you perceived that she was treating you. If she could recognise that she would not have treated you like that in the 1st place, if she is the sort of person you describe, she will not have that level of empathy anyway.

But honestly you sound hard work with very little insight yourself

And why go to the 'trouble' of replicating her behaviour - just say our friendhip does not work for me and walk away sans drama

But that's what I've been saying, I cannot get away from her as I bump into her sometimes and our children are friends. If I told her that the friendship didn't work for me then I'm afraid it would cause drama from her. Hence why I was trying to be vague and pull back from the friendship.

Cutting her off, playing at what you say is her own game is causing drama.

You've not been vague or drawn back from the relationship. You've acted in a way that causes drama. Can you really not see that?

I know you are trying to 'avoid confrontation' but in doing so you have ended up being underhanded, bitchy and unkind. I think it would be kinder for you to be more upfront and say you feel that she doesn't have time for you.

I'm sure you dont mean to stoop to a level lower than the original 'friend' but as you are behaving the way you are knowingly and she may well have been doing so in selfish ignorance then your behaviour is worse.

I think it would be better (for you) if you could get over your conflict avoidance at all costs and just assert yourself - it is perfectly possible to be upfront without being unnecessarily cruel, it might be awkward but it'll be quicker than this horrible drawn-out one-sided battle that you're engaged in.

You are not responsible for her drama but you are for your own. Tell her you no longer want to be friends - step away and let her play out her drama and do not get drawn in by it. It really just takes some resolution that you do not want to interact with her and stop looking for some sort of apology from her - it makes you look 'needy' here and I would say probably the same in real life which is possibly why you attract that sort of friend. And so you see her at school and her child is friends with hers - you can have an acquaintanceship with someone and be polite without having to be friends with them