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Original poster

Is this acceptable (dh and coke)

58 replies

mcyawny · 21/12/2012 02:17

My dh has a very colourful history in terms of drug taking. It is much much more infrequent now we have dc age 2.5 and 3 months. As in a night out involving coke once every 6 months. Well tonight he promised earlier no drugs tonight during his Christmas drinks with friends, but has come home very obviously having been taking it. Im not ok with this, think he ought to grow out of it by now. The main problem though is that I just can't trust him. He constantly denies things like this when I know the truth.
Im trying to work out if this is a massive problem or something I should just accept he'll do occasionally.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
mcyawny · 21/12/2012 02:20

Im apparently trying to go to sleep after feeding the baby so may not check back until later.
I just wish he was honest with me but I think he knows he would get a hard time therefore doesn't tell me certain things.

OP posts:
Original poster
mcyawny · 21/12/2012 02:21

Don't know where 'apparently' came from in above post!

OP posts:
WhoPutTheDickOnTheSnowman · 21/12/2012 02:48

What do you want to happen? If you are not ok with it why do think you should accept it? Why should you acquiesce on this?

For me it is a resounding 'not acceptable' - you have a young family, he is lying to you about it, he must also have friends that use.
I don't really want to delve too deeply into my personal credentials in this particular area but you have some talking to do really.

Why does he still use? If it is 'purely' recreational then he can stop for the sake of his family and his responsibilities to them, if he can't stop he has a problem. If he asks why he should stop when it isn't doing any harm - you've got your answer.

I could expand a bit more but really drugs+kids = really fucking bad situation. The fact that 'they won't know' or whatever else is a falsehood. At the end of the day they are illegal, you want him to stop, you don't want an active drug user around children and if alcohol is an issue or exacerbating factor then he needs to avoid that too. If he can't give it up then he is not clean or not a 'recreational substance user' it is not difficult to enjoy child free time without substance abuse unless you don't know any other way to functionally have fun.
I wouldn't have this and, for me, it would be shape up or ship out dad or not.
For you? That is up to you but make sure you are very aware of what is going on, your motives, his motives and what you are risking if there's a slip up.

cronullansw · 21/12/2012 02:53

Once every six months or so, on a special night, doesn't even come close to a ''really fucking bad situation''.

As for the denying it, and promising not to, well, thats different. I'm sure he wasn't going to last night, but got caught up in it with his mates. It's no big deal if thats all he's doing.

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah · 21/12/2012 02:58

For me, both the drug taking and the lying would be enough to signal the end of the relationship. It depends where you draw your line, though.

Original poster
mcyawny · 21/12/2012 03:10

Still awake. Thanks for your replies they have been really helpful. Im not going to accept it anymore. He's destroying my trust slowly over time and I can't take it any more. It's ultimatum time. whether he'll be tempted again i don't know he might get better at covering his tracks and I'll never know what he's doing.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 21/12/2012 03:19

For me, it would be game over.

For me, the father of my children, my husband coming home to his family coked up to the eyeballs is a huge problem.

The thing is, it doesn't matter what we reckon - where's your line in the sand?

expatinscotland · 21/12/2012 03:24

He lies about using. That would be the end. But then, I wouldn't have married a person or opted to parent with a person with whom I had to make bargains about substance misuse. That would have been a deal-breaker for me right there.

Lavenderhoney · 21/12/2012 03:59

He can't grow out of it. He never will. He looks forward to it, and I expect he is taking it more than you think. It would be a total deal breaker for me even before dc. just the money spent on it, unreliability, danger round dc and if they get hold of it when older, dodgy friends you know nothing about or do know and you aren't in the "coke club" so feel excluded somehow from the real fun..

The lying would wear me down to. You have enough with the dc without an unsupportive partner. Could you call a drugs helpline for yourself and ask if in their experience of drug users what might happen? Or what happens in families normally like yours, when the dh takes drugs? It might help you decide if you go on or want the coke to stop altogether.
Does he lie all the time or just round when he is doing coke? If its part of his make up to lie and he wont change then you have to think if you can cope with it never changing.

notnagging · 21/12/2012 04:02

He has a choice op. his family or the drugs. Whether he thinks it is a problem or not is important. If he is willing to change stick by him. If not I'd let him go. Your children will be more aware as they get older & they don't need that influence in their lives. My friends dh was an addict. She left him & he went clean. He is an amazing person now but your dh needs to make that choice.

FellatioNelson · 21/12/2012 04:15

I agree with expat. And that other thread is powerful stuff indeed.
I think people who take recreational coke are usually flashy, self-absorbed wankers.

conorsrockers · 21/12/2012 04:29

How old is your DH? If it's not too rude a question!

Original poster
mcyawny · 21/12/2012 05:57

He's 38. I agree it is important that he also realises it's not okay and stops for that not because I am asking him to.
It is definitely only as occasional as I said in the OP. We don't go out often preferring to have time together. There is no opportunity because he is always working.
He doesn't fully lie much but does tell white lies often when usually there's no need so I don't understand why he does it.

OP posts:
Original poster
mcyawny · 21/12/2012 05:58

Will look at the other thread later thanks.

OP posts:
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 21/12/2012 06:31

Your first mistake was marrying someone with a bad habit, hoping that they will change just because you ask them to. Your second was to set the precedent that lies will be tolerated. Doesn't actually matter if his vice is drugs, smoking, alcohol, gambling or internet porn... if he doesn't see why he should change his behaviour and thinks lying is an acceptable way to carry on doing his own sweet thing, the only thing that could possibly make a difference is to lay down the ultimate sanction. i.e. shape up or ship out.

Lueji · 21/12/2012 07:07

People don't grow out of drugs.
That's why they call it addictions.

Addicts lie.

You either put up with his habit or leave him.
He's not going to stop it because you say so or want to control his habit.

Vagaceratops · 21/12/2012 07:12

Once every six months or so, on a special night, doesn't even come close to a ''really fucking bad situation''.

It does for me, and it obviously does for the OP.

This man is a father, and he should be thinking like one.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/12/2012 07:12

I do wonder what you are getting out of this relationship mcyawny, something is keeping you within this so what is it?. The children now?.

Re this comment:-
"We don't go out often preferring to have time together. There is no opportunity because he is always working".

He's always working?. He does not seem to be spending much if any time with you at all is he?. He will always put the drugs first; you and the children are but of minor concern to him even if you do figure anywhere in his list of priorities.

The people I feel the most sorry for are your children; the adults are letting them down here aren't they?.

whomovedmychocolate · 21/12/2012 07:14

You can always start over today - give him the information: if you use, you lose us. If it's that important to him to keep on taking drugs you at least know where you stand, as a single parent.

Has he considered what will happen if he's arrested and loses his job, or does something really stupid while he's high. Like gets in a car and kills someone. :(

Lavenderhoney · 21/12/2012 07:28

People take drugs and still work. I knew someone who did. It was coke. He had some when he got in the car first thing. People just thought he was an extrovert. If you don't know people who take drugs you don't know what to look for.
I expect he has a stash in the house somewhere. He will deny it. Make sure kids don't find it. It will kill them.

If he wants to change he will have to drop his druggy mates and never see them again. He might see coke as something to look forward to after being a parent and husband , like a reward. It's not a beer on a Friday is it? Although drink in its self is a drug. If he can't stop but says he will til the next time, like he has just done, how often will you allow this to happen to you and the dc? It's not about him it's what you want for them.he can make a choice. The dc don't.

HollyBerryBush · 21/12/2012 07:32

I would walk without a backward glance.

Drugs are for losers.

Yes I am sweepingly judgemental considering I drink and smoke tobacco and some would argue they are also drugs. But psychotic mind altering illegal drugs? No way.

You want this man around your children?

LoopsInHoops · 21/12/2012 07:37

To me, the drugs may or may not be a deal breaker depending on a variety of factors. If he planned ahead and stayed elsewhere, didn't spend much money and able to function normally (no HM issues) the rest of the time, every 6 months doesn't seem terrible to me, but I know quit a few people who take drugs, and although it's not for me, I know it's not the black/white evil that lots of people think it is.

On the other hand, I know what it's like to be the child of a drug addict (actual addict, not recreational 6month-er). If there was any possibility of actual dependance, he would be out of my life like a shot. Believe me, it is horrific growing up knowing that your dad is a useless, dirty, incapable, thieving addict (in my case, obviously not the same for all cases.)

But, as everyone else says, you need to decide for yourself where the line (no pun intended) is. The lying, I wouldn't be happy with, but can see that you're perhaps giving him mixed messages about how much it means to you, which leads to the lying.

LoopsInHoops · 21/12/2012 07:39

MH, not HM, sorry

FamiliesShareGerms · 21/12/2012 07:43

It's the lying that would ring great big alarm bells for me, and this would be completely unacceptable. Sorry