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Original poster

Is this acceptable (dh and coke)

58 replies

mcyawny · 21/12/2012 02:17

My dh has a very colourful history in terms of drug taking. It is much much more infrequent now we have dc age 2.5 and 3 months. As in a night out involving coke once every 6 months. Well tonight he promised earlier no drugs tonight during his Christmas drinks with friends, but has come home very obviously having been taking it. Im not ok with this, think he ought to grow out of it by now. The main problem though is that I just can't trust him. He constantly denies things like this when I know the truth.
Im trying to work out if this is a massive problem or something I should just accept he'll do occasionally.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
marriedandwreathedinholly · 21/12/2012 07:51

YANBU. But I wouldn't have continued to date someone if I realised they took drugs either regularly or even just dabbled. Having got yourself in it though, I would get yourself out of it because his behaviour is totally unacceptable and he is an inappropriate role model for the children.

SobaSoma · 21/12/2012 08:07

People can and do give up drugs. People can and do take drugs only occasionally. All drug-takers aren't losers or self-absorbed flashy wankers. How many women here have men who drink too much or maybe drink too much themselves? Is that not the same? (or worse?). OP you say DH only dabbles now and in my book that's not a problem. I think the lying about it is though and you have to tell him to be truthful. Then you can make your mind up using the evidence. It's fine to tell him it's not acceptable to you and that if he doesn't stop it could be a deal breaker. But for me, if my marriage was in other ways happy, I'd probably come to terms with it.

Original poster
mcyawny · 21/12/2012 08:35

What keeps me here?
The fact we love each other very deeply, we're best friends, we have fun, we laugh together, eat together, sleep together, he's spontaneous and life is never dull. He's on the whole a family man, caring and protective. I can't fault anything else about him. When I said he works all the time it was to indicate he's either doing that or spending quality time together. I know he doesn't do it at other times am 100% sure about that.
I guess Im trying to weigh up whether this thing is enough to end it all. Or if it's worth a try after having it out with him and Im satisfied with his response.
I think deep down he knows it's wrong but can't say no.

OP posts:
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 21/12/2012 08:53

You've rationalised it away really well so far. No need for him to change attitude, behaviour, keep any promises or start taking responsibility because you know how he feels 'deep down' and, besides, you're best friends. So it's all out of his hands the poor dear... he just can't say no. Hmm Nothing changes.

Alittlestranger · 21/12/2012 08:55

I wouldn't have a problem with this, but then I'd be happy to marry a man like that. If the OP does have a problem with it, why did she marry someone like that? IMHO it's not reasonable to expect people to wholesale change just because they have kids etc. Be responsible and discrete, yes, but I think some posters are over-reacting re the "really fucking bad situation".

Original poster
mcyawny · 21/12/2012 09:15

Because he promised to stop? That's why. And there have been maybe lengths of time a year or more where it hasn't been done.
It's more the broken promises and lies.
I am going to be asking him to change his attitude and behaviour, else Im out. Have not spoke to him yet the children are here and he's in bed anyway. I will later though. Im hopeful we can sort this out, if not I'll be posting again asking for advice on separating. Sad

OP posts:
Chopsypie · 21/12/2012 09:18

My husband used to be very similar. I didnt mind, it was never my thing, and I used to lecture him about it (the industry etc) on occasion but accepted it.
Now we have children it is very different. I am a lot more aware of the risks of anything, and wouldnt like to be explaining in 10-15 years time that daddy is dead because he took a risk that he didnt need to and shouldnt of taken.
I explained this once we had our first, that our lives had changed and drug taking was something that was now unacceptable.
Since then he has respected me and hasnt done it.

I understand that every day life has plenty of risks associated with it, as does drinking etc. However I think the drug taking poses a much bigger risk that I would rather he didnt take.

I can understand why you do accept it (I did) however if you think things needs to change (and lets be honest, what doesnt when you have kids?) he needs to respect that and stop. To be honest I think I guilted my husband into, but I dont think he misses it.

I dont really have any advice on how to handle it, but you're not alone Smile

itsallinmyhead · 21/12/2012 09:20

My advice in regards to your situation is simple.

Only you know what is and is not on for you and if this is a dealbreaker for you, you must sit him down, set your stall out for him (so to speak) and if after you've made him aware of the consequences of these actions he steps out of line again, you must follow through with whatever sanctions you told him would occur.

I don't want to get into the whole drugs are bad spiel, we all know that and what's ok for some isn't for others, you must decide where you stand on this.

dequoisagitil · 21/12/2012 10:05

The lying is a major problem. Even, or perhaps especially, the little ones for no real reason.

A habitual liar, one who does it to big themselves up or to avoid consequences for what they do - well, they can make good salesmen and financial advisors etc, but they're not great to live with.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 21/12/2012 10:12

OP YOu paint the picture of a man you love dearly, your best friend etc, yet bottom line is you (as per your first post) can't trust him. For me that would be a definite deal breaker. How can you live with someone you don't trust.

Also, on the drugs front, what is to say that the habit won't creep up from infrequeent to more often...... what if the drugs were bought into the house and the kids found them (I know someone who this happened to),

cronullansw · 21/12/2012 10:33

Yes I am sweepingly judgemental considering I drink and smoke tobacco and some would argue they are also drugs. But psychotic mind altering illegal drugs? No way. - Hollyberry.

Erm alcohol isn't mind altering and psychotic?

So the drugs that you like, taken on a regular, possibly daily basis, are ok, but the drugs that many others like, taken once every few months, aren't ok?

Yes, as you said, sweepingly judgemental, and a great argument there. Alcohol causes huge amounts of damage, and tobacco? Don't get me started about the social costs or the health service costs. But a little toot now and again is so terribly bad?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 21/12/2012 11:04

You're missing the point cronullansw. It's not about the relative merits of a 'toot now and again' Hmm it's that it's unacceptable to the OP and the husband has lied betrayed her trust. An occasional porn-inspired wank might not bother some people either but it's a problem serious enough to break up marriages.

expatinscotland · 21/12/2012 15:44

Whate Cognito said.

sparkle12mar08 · 21/12/2012 16:09

If he 'can't say no' as per your post of 08:35, then he's an addict. Plain and simple.

For me personally, I would never have married or had children with a drug user. It's a deal breaker for me by itself. When combined with the lying and betrayal of trust, it is doubly so.

OhDearNigel · 21/12/2012 16:30

The only "acceptable" in relation to drugs around children is no drugs.

iloveeverton · 21/12/2012 16:48

The problem for me would be the situation he could put the family in.

Merseyside police have a radio advert at the moment warning that they are using drug dogs in bars this Christmas and anyone caught with any amount will be arrested.

What if he phones you from a police cell and he has lost his job, now unable to travel abroad etc because he was caught with coke?

Original poster
mcyawny · 21/12/2012 17:04

Well I spoke to him and he at least didn't try to deny it. He took everything I had to say, and knows it's unacceptable and that it's going to take a log time over events and occasions for me to trust he's not going to do it. I told him if there is one more lie or broken promise that's it for me and that I will be asking him to leave. He wants a clean start and for me to help him by going on a diet, cutting out alcohol and clean living basically. He really wants to do this, feels he has let himself go and that if he's fit again and cutting out the things that lead to temptation he won't have any interest in it. I hope it works out like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
mcyawny · 21/12/2012 17:09

I meant to say thank you for your comments and I have taken everything on board. For me the line is crossed if it happens again. But I can't end it this time without giving him a proper chance.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/12/2012 17:12

"He wants a clean start and for me to help him by going on a diet, cutting out alcohol and clean living basically".

No, the part that is all wrong here is when he says for me to help him. Does not work. He is really not remorseful nor taking any real responsibility for his actions here, he's dragged you into helping him make changes. He has I argue just told you what you wanted to hear. He is not going to change his social circle is he?.

You cannot and should not help him. By doing so you're just further enabling him and acting as his therapist. You are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him anyway. That is fact.

Your main priority should be you and your children and if he really wants to get clean (which I very much doubt) then he should leave and do this without your help.

Lulabellarama · 21/12/2012 17:17

Can I just ask what it is about his drug taking that is unacceptable to you?
I can understand that lying about what he's doing is really not on, but why can you not be alright with such occasional use?
I'm not saying you should be, that's your prerogative, but why is occasional cocaine use any worse than, say, horseriding. They are both expensive and are potentially dangerous

Original poster
mcyawny · 21/12/2012 17:21

It's the lying combined with the fact it's illegal, he could get arrested, lose his job. It alters your mind and is not safe. I worry it could lead to a heart attack or stroke.

OP posts:
Original poster
mcyawny · 21/12/2012 17:25

Aside from going on a diet too (which I want to do anyway) there's nothing else I can do to help anyway. As long as the end result is what I said above, I don't mind.

OP posts:
iloveeverton · 21/12/2012 17:29

What he's suggested sounds good to me- wish you both the best of luck.

aroomofherown · 21/12/2012 17:30

He constantly denies things like this when I know the truth.

As far as I'm concerned this is the problem. Not a twice-a-year coke "habit" (ha!). People who take coke only twice a year are far from a "coke addict" who "will never ever stop and will always put drugs first". It's exactly the same as someone who said they are going to just have one drink at the pub, end up chatting to people they've not talked to for ages, and then have a few more.

No it's not great but it's not a dealbreaker.

aroomofherown · 21/12/2012 17:31

Oh so sorry. I hadn't read the last few threads.

Good luck OP!

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