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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has he been lying to me?

94 replies

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 20/12/2012 19:42

Since I've known him, my partner has gone on at length about his awful childhood at the hands of his foster parents, he received many beatings, including a fractured sternum and skull whilst in their care. He hasn't seen them for years, he doesn't call or send cards. He mentioned he couldn't understand why people like that got paid to foster etc etc and that the council should have to pay compensation for placing him there. I asked him once why he didn't get moved if it was so bad but he said that his foster parents always put on a good front to the authorities.

We went to visit relatives of his last night and the conversation turned to other relatives. While listening to his uncle I learned that the foster parents were his actual parents. His foster siblings were his brother and sister. There was no mention of those awful injuries, or the repeated beatings, just that his mum was difficult to get on with.

He must have noticed that I looked puzzled, as when we left he said he had felt like a foster child. After asking me never to mention anything about the subject to his relatives, he then revealed his dad used to interfere with the other (foster?) children and I would cause problems if "I raked up the past by asking questions".

I tried to bring it up again when we got back to his but he refused to discuss it. I'm now questioning everything, when we've had problems in the past he has blamed it on being a foster child and his experiences and insecurity about that. I have always given people the benefit of the doubt but right now I feel like he's let me down. There is something nagging my gut now, am I right to feel like this or am I reading too much into things?

OP posts:
tribpot · 20/12/2012 19:46

when we've had problems in the past he has blamed it on being a foster child and his experiences and insecurity about that.

Or in other words, the rationale for his behaviour has been a lie. You've probably been asked to tolerate a fair bit because he was a foster child? How convenient.

You are not wrong to be suspicious. Giving people the benefit of the doubt means that some of them will take the piss.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 20/12/2012 19:47

There's an easy way to check out his story, of course, which is to do what he asked you not to i.e. mention it to his relatives. They might not know if he was abused, of course, but it's a pretty peculiar lie to cast yourself in the role of foster child to your own parents and I'm not surprised you now doubt the rest of his story. How long have you known this man?

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 20/12/2012 19:54

I've known him a year, and on the verge of moving in. I'm glad it's not just me who thinks this was a very weird thing to lie about. The fact he's telling me never to mention it to his relatives concerns me.

I'm left wondering if he has lied about anything else.

OP posts:
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 20/12/2012 20:02

I'd certainly hold off progressing your relationship until you've got a bit more information. What are these 'problems' you mention which are excused by his alleged mistreatment? If he was a man that hadn't been mistreated, would you have responded differently? Not been so forgiving?

ClippedPhoenix · 20/12/2012 20:03

And so you should be OP.

Somewhere along the line he has obviously been damaged but you can't fix that. I'd not be moving in with him.

izzyizin · 20/12/2012 20:13

It would seem he went to some lengths to spin tales gain sympathy for physical abuse he allegedly endured at the hands of foster carers.

This was a pack of lies which begs the question of what else he's lied to you about.

Now you've accidentally discovered he lied about his childhood, he's attempted to secure your silence by claiming his df sexually abused other dc in the family home.

Are his dps alive? Have you met, or are there any plans for you to meet, his siblings?

How old is this guy?

izzyizin · 20/12/2012 20:19

Catching him out in lies about such fundamental matters has to mean that all bets are off insofar as your relationship with him is concerned, honey.

This man isn't what he seems and there's no way you should be moving him into your home.

I have some concern about how quickly he come up with the tale of his df 'interfering'.

Do you have dc?

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 20/12/2012 20:24

He freezes me out when I disagree with him. I am of the mind there will always be things we will disagree on and the way to resolve that is by discussing it. Not by sulking. I always seem to be the one making the first move just to make things easier.

He does have an irritating habit of never being the one in the wrong and not just with me. Shop assistants, work colleagues, insurance companies, utility services etc are all "at it" or out to get him. If I raise anything about our relationship his first thing to say is "I've always been good to you. That's right, make me out to be the bad one again".

He never shouts but I get the impression sometimes he is bubbling like a volcano under the surface.

OP posts:
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 20/12/2012 20:25

I'm probably generalising here but isn't it more normal that victims of childhood abuse are usually rather reluctant to talk about their experiences rather than going on about it 'at length'? And I also agree that the speed with which he switched on that 'interfering' story is sounding a warning bell...

izzyizin · 20/12/2012 20:27

Why I not surprised?

Run for the hills now, honey. He's got a supervolcano under the surface and when he blows, he'll take no prisoners be lethal.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 20/12/2012 20:28

Bloody hell love, get away from this creep. He's an emotional abuser with knobs on!!!! Persecution complex, turns the blame onto you for his failings, makes you back down in a disagreement by sulking. And has this pack of lies going about being abused as a kid to justify his crappy behaviour into the bargain?

Dump and run.

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 20/12/2012 20:31

He is fifty, Izzy, his parents are still alive, and his father visits his uncle every other week. He doesn't keep in contact with his siblings, and there are no plans to introduce me. It has taken the best part of a year for me to meet his uncle.

This has thrown up major questions for me, and I'm gutted I've fallen for it for so long to be honest.

OP posts:
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 20/12/2012 20:32

Google Munchausen's Syndrome... because I think that's what this guy has! Like these awful people that shave their kids' heads and tell others they have cancer just to get attention and cash donations.

TalkativeJim · 20/12/2012 20:32

Crikey, dump him now. Red flags aplenty.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 20/12/2012 20:33

From Wikipedia... "Münchausen syndrome is a psychiatric factitious disorder wherein those affected feign disease, illness, or psychological trauma to draw attention or sympathy to themselves" Ker-ching!

izzyizin · 20/12/2012 20:35

It depends entirely on the personality, Cog. Childhood abuse of any kind can be responsible for causing the type of emotional need that manifests as attention seeking or a desire to shock others.

On the other hand, some may feel a sense of deep shame entwined with erroneous belief that what happened to them was their fault and they have no desire to speak indiscriminately about their experiences.

This man's been playing the sympathy card bigtime and I'm wondering why - and, more to the point, what he's hiding as it seems to me he's been laying the groundwork for some unpleasant revelation.

ClippedPhoenix · 20/12/2012 20:36

He's a huge bad machine OP.

My friend is with a man that told her he was abused and she never met his parents for some 20 years. They are lovely and no such thing happened.

He's a shouty arrogant arse that had history of ripping people off in drug deals, that's why he came to London then lied.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 20/12/2012 20:36

OP, your post of 20:24:46 said it all.

Lies or no lies, and I would bet that there are lies, this behaviour is not normal.

I would not move in. You will be even more vulnerable behind closed doors.

izzyizin · 20/12/2012 20:37

What's his relationship history? Has he been married? Does he have dc?

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 20/12/2012 20:37

You're quite right, of course izzy. Still... as long as the OP is looking at him in the rear-view mirror....

izzyizin · 20/12/2012 20:44

Cutting to the chase by avoiding the usual pathways and leapiing over the quantum fence, I'm wondering whether he's the one that's done some 'interfering' and whether his dps have disowned him for this or other reason.

Whatever the truth of the matter, I'm urging you to end your association with him as you don't need a crystal ball to see that no good can come to you from it.

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 20/12/2012 20:46

I must admit the comment about the "interfering" thing out of nowhere, absolutely chilled me. It didn't seem to ring true for some reason, almost like it was a desperate attempt to stop the converation. When we went to bed last night he didn't touch me at all. I thought he was just freezing me out after he had been caught out in his lie. I did lie awake hoping for some sort of explanation but it never came.

He called me today, it was like nothing had ever happened. He was bright, breezy, coming up with suggestions what we'd do at the weekend. I have already arranged to go out with friends as last night left me cold. This morning when he dropped me off his main concern was that I didn't kiss him goodnight before I went to sleep. I think maybe there were more pressing things whirling through my head.

OP posts:
MadameCastafiore · 20/12/2012 20:47

I'd say he has something to hide which he doesn't want you to find out about. Abusing others, previous bad relationships etc...

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 20/12/2012 20:48

Oh he's a liar all right. So what's your next step?

BluelightsAndSirens · 20/12/2012 20:51

Really sorry but the are some massive issues with the lies he has told you. When first reading "my partner has gone on at lengths" something in me said that's not normally the way it happens and you haven't been togeather for a very long time for him t be disclosing such a sensitive past.

And now you have realised he isn't actually fostered but he doesn't want you to discuss this with his family and the. He adds ANOTHER disclosure in to the mix about his dad and saying YOU will cause problems if you mention it Hmm

Do you feel able to sit him down and tell him you are having concerns over some of the things he has said or maybe best to just run for the hills.